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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For not wanting to be Mary Sodding Poppins!

45 replies

Notsoyummymummy1 · 01/06/2014 20:24

I'm a SAHM so don't get much chance for a break from childcare but it's really starting to annoy me that every family do I end up looking after the children (three under three - one being mine). Everyone else just ignores the kids unless one of them hurts themselves and I don't mind doing my bit but sometimes I just wish somebody else would take over.

Today was a prime example -.familly BBQ and they all just sat around chatting while I monitored the little ones on their ride on toys. I didn't even get any bloody dessert til I growled at dh to take over!!! By then the ice cream had melted!!

When the inlaws come over they give a token acknowledgement to dd then go off for a cup of tea in the other room. DD gives up trying to get their attention so I end up playing with her again. Then they reappear just as they're about to leave, interrupt DD's game demanding that she comes and gives them a cuddle!! I know it sounds petty I just feel a bit taken for granted sometimes! Anyway else feel like the family childminder?!

OP posts:

ROARmeow · 01/06/2014 20:32

No advice for you, but YANBU.... I often feel the same.

wheresthelight · 01/06/2014 20:33

Yup and worse here as have it when dsc's are here too and then ignores by everyone when dp gets home

Would love a break but never gonna happen til dd goes to school in what 3-4 yeyears

MrsWinnibago · 01/06/2014 20:34

Why don't you just sit down then? How old is your DC? Is he or she the littlest?

You don't have to play with your DD every time the inlaws fail in their duty you know.

mommy2ash · 01/06/2014 20:37

i think yabu. nobody has asked you to be mary poppins you are putting yourself in that role and feeling hard done by afterwards.

next time sit down and have your food. tell your dh to mind your dd.

KingJoffreysBloodshotEye · 01/06/2014 20:40

Be exactly like Mary Poppins...

Chat to your umbrella, acquire a large bag and pull weird shit out of it at random, dance on street art and befriend some grubby, singing men with variable accents.

No one will let you near their children.

RabbitSaysWoof · 01/06/2014 20:44

If you have got 3 children together surely they can be each others playmates with a grown up needing to play to.
I'd supervise from my seat while socializing myself.

MrsWinnibago · 01/06/2014 20:45

Only one of the children is the OPs Rabbit but your advice still makes sense.

LizLimone · 01/06/2014 20:47

Whose are the other 2 children and why aren't they around?

Can you ask them to step in and keep an eye on the kids while you run off and hide go get some food?

NormHonal · 01/06/2014 20:47

Yes, this has usually been me at family gatherings, but my youngest is now able to play independently and I won't be doing it anymore!

MrsWinnibago · 01/06/2014 20:56

I always remember being at a family gathering and I ended up with three kids...and the desserts were brought out and everyone swarmed like locusts and nobody thought of me...now I'm older and wiser, I'd have elbowed through with the baby on my hip as extra girth...and grabbed my share before the fat bastards scoffed the lot.

Then, as a relatively new parent I was all shy.

Original poster

Notsoyummymummy1 · 01/06/2014 21:00

Oh KingJoffreys - you made me laugh out loud!!! I do ask others to step in but they just say "they're alright playing on their own!" - despite the fact that my niece falls over and injures herself every two mins!! Just don't feel comfortable abandoning dd to her own devices at just the age of 2. I tried stepping back a little but then discovered the three of them climbing onto a window sill so haven't felt brave enough to do it again!!!

OP posts:

dancinggerald · 01/06/2014 21:07

Think it sounds like a matter of different parenting approaches. TBH, it would probably irritate me if someone was hovering over my dc when I'm giving them independence, then implying I should be with them. One of mine is 2. But then I was probably different with my first.

spritesoright · 01/06/2014 21:11

Is your complaint against your in laws or the parents of the other children? I don't think you can expect in laws to play with their dgc even if I always hope for it.
Sometimes I make suggestions like "why don't you play with your aunty now" and she usually takes the hint (aunty does) but overall I expect to have to take care of my own child (though not others, that is cheeky).
I know what you mean though. You think that a family gathering would be the one place where you could let others take over childcare for a bit while you have a break but alas, not always. Unfortunately it sounds like the other parents are expecting a break and taking you for granted in the process.
What happens if your child is taken away from the others (maybe briefly). Surely someone else would have to step in? (At which point you could drop yours into the mix again).

RabbitSaysWoof · 01/06/2014 21:12

Same as dancing, I like to let ds (2) have space to play without being closely shadowed.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 01/06/2014 21:17

Whrn your IL's come over, why are you in a different room?

All sit together and chat while she plays then encourage interaction?

Am I missing something there?

Original poster

Notsoyummymummy1 · 01/06/2014 21:23

The inlaws like sitting in our Conservatory and as much as I try to encourage dd to play in there she often won't - she stays in the Lounge or wanders between the two rooms.

Complaint is against all of them really!!

Never thought it might be irritating to the other parents that I supervise - trouble is one of them does end up pushing the others around and I don't feel dd and dn are quite equipped yet to deal with it. Am not always involved in the playing am often just watching from the sidelines.

OP posts:

foslady · 01/06/2014 22:04

Know this one well. Today at local large park area (that has 2 major arterial roads bordering it so if child abducted could be taken off in many directions) ended up with my dd befriending another girl (approx 9 yrs old). Thought said child was on her own as had not seen an adult with her for the two hours we were there. Dd asks if she can buy an ice cream, so I ask the girl if her mum lets her have ice cream as I wouldn't buy for one without the other for her to reply, "It's ok I'll ask mum", mum being nowhere near play area or water area and cannot see either from where she's sat so end up keeping an eye on other child for another two and a half hours whilst mum chills out under a shady tree....

RabbitSaysWoof · 01/06/2014 22:16

I would probably let my 9 year old play in a park in daylight too without feeling the need to be in the immediate vicinity.
My friends 9 year old walks to school alone.

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 01/06/2014 22:22

Yanbu - it's all very well people saying they let their 2 year old play on their own. A lot of toddlers are rubbish at playing on their own or with other kids. It is annoying to be the only one prepared to babysit them.

I often hear the other adults saying oh it's so good to see them playing nicely. Completely ignoring the fact that I'm there encouraging them to share and take turns and not kill each other

"Oh don't worry about whenshewas, she can't have a drink anyway" (I was 33 weeks pregnant and left minding 5 kids while they had drinks - bastards bitter)

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 01/06/2014 22:25

by the time dd is 9 I very much hope to be sat under a tree instead of playing with her at the park

Original poster

Notsoyummymummy1 · 01/06/2014 22:35

Oh my God Whenshewas - that's so true!!! Everyone says how well the children play together but they don't - I'm always breaking up arguments, stopping impending accidents and getting them to share!!!

OP posts:

foslady · 01/06/2014 22:59

A normal park, yes but thiis is a large area and the other mum didn't know which part she was in and in all that time never came over once to check she was ok. Would you not just move to another part where you could see them? I let them get on playing but made sure they were in line of sight for most of the time

PrincessBabyCat · 01/06/2014 23:13

I grew up in a huge family with a ton of cousins. We were constantly left unsupervised. We all got into trouble and swore each other to secrecyhelped look after each other as kids. There were a few times I was watching my baby cousins and I just walked away from them and left them to it. They're all still alive and thriving 20+ years later. :)

The best thing you can do is just walk away. If their kids get hurt, two things will happen: The kids will learn on their own not to do something and the adults will learn to watch their children. They're not going to die falling off the window sill. They'll learn after enough bumps and bruises.

RabbitSaysWoof · 01/06/2014 23:16

Not at 9 tbh. Its just gradual independence if a 9 year old isn't going out on their own they will be soon.
This reminds me of a thread where someone was slagging off their neighbour saying they have been dumped on because the neighbour went out in the car and left their ds playing with the op's ds in the street so now op cant go out as they have to wait for the neighbour to come home, but the op had assumed that responsibility and just had a more neurotic different idea of the level of supervision needed.

CookieMonsterIsHot · 01/06/2014 23:42

Oh god, you've hit on one of my pet peeves: parents who insist on hovering over my DC.

My bloody SIL hovered over my toddlers at family gatherings totally ignoring my statements that they were fine. To her, a bruise or an argument over a toy would be a parenting FAIL, which is the worst thing that can ever happen. Her constant hovering meant she missed dessert and conversation just like you notso. She can do a superb cats bum face.

Obviously a toddler does need some adult supervision. A parent should provide that supervision.

A hoverer like my SIL can make it near impossible for anyone but herself to supervise. You see, when anyone else was in charge, she would regard them as neglectful and start doing it "properly" by hovering.

A family event without her was much simpler. DH and I shared the supervision (sometimes with other parents too).

There are simple rules:

Formally hand over control:

"Mr Cookie, you are in charge of the little Cookies now while I have wine and chat". Do not be a martyr, ask others to take a turn if they don't offer.

The person in charge parents their way. No interfering.

If you are not in charge you should sit on your arse, eat, drink, chat be merry, dance to cheesy pop or whatever floats your boat. Do not stealth parent!

If injury, upset or mess occurs, the parent in charge sorts it out. Everyone else remains sitting on their arses unless specifically asked to help. Do not make cats bum face at parent in charge. Do not make any face or statement that implies that parent in charge is a bad parent for allowing whatever happened to happen.

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