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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"You look soooooo tired"

37 replies

Amber76 · 01/06/2014 10:45

Yesterday my sil told me repeatedly how tired I looked. That I looked awful, was I alright?, had I got my bloods done recently?

I felt fine and thought I looked fine! And said this back to her repeatedly.....arrrrrgh. I think she was really rude but dh says she wouldn't see this as rude at all but as well intentioned concern.

Now I was a bit tired because of being up and on the go since 5am with two small children but I had make up on and felt I looked acceptable.

Maybe if she said it once it would be okay but she said it a least ten different times in different ways.

I told dh that the next time she says it I'm going to retort with "yes you look awful as well" but he says that would be really rude.

So, any suitable responses to someone who keeps telling you that you look tired when you feel that you look fine?

OP posts:
PeachTrees · 01/06/2014 10:54

how rude of her! I'm keeping an eye on this thread as I get it all the time. My problem being I'm ghostly pale and if I don't put on any make up I always get 'you tired?' , 'you ill?' , 'the baby keep you up?'

I'm sick of saying NO I naturally look like shit Angry.

RedRoom · 01/06/2014 11:31

Say 'Yes, I'm tired. Of you telling me in a roundabout way that I look like crap.' Then smile a dazzling smile.

Joysmum · 01/06/2014 11:35

Now I was a bit tired because of being up and on the go since 5am with two small children but I had make up on and felt I looked acceptable

So did you tell her that?

Also there's a big difference to looking 'acceptable' to somebody who doesn't know you, and family and friends noticing a difference.

Lanabelle · 01/06/2014 11:46

I'm with Joysmum I think its better for someone who knows you (and she is family so I take it she does) to say actually - you don't quite look yourself, is everything ok? I think your DH was right, she was maybe just a bit concerned you were under the weather or something, maybe wanted to help.

Lots of people say "oh wow you look great for someone running around after two small kids" and think to themselves 'maybe there is something wrong' or 'my god she looks like crap, is that what having kids does'
but it takes someone who actually cares to say you know what - you don't look right, you look really tired, is everything ok? those are the genuine people.

Nomama · 01/06/2014 11:46

Ah! I may make you smile then....

Many moons ago I met SIL early in the morning, just coming out of her house. She looked so ill, green/grey skin, so pallid, truly awful.

Now, despite the fact that we didn't really get on that well I realised that she at least needed help getting painkillers and non alcoholic fluids, so I offered to help her out until she felt better, telling her that she 'wouldn't be doing that again in a hurry', referring to what I had imagined had been a really heavy night.

She looked daggers at me and, without a word, turned, went indoors and slammed the door in my face.

BIL later told me she always looked like that until she put her make up on!!!

That was the first time I realised that you could have naturally green tinged skin and not be ill. I haven't worn much make up since.

Looking back, that probably set the stage for our entire relationship since Grin

Ellisisland · 01/06/2014 11:47

My MIL used to do this all the time until DH had a word with her about annoying I was finding it! At first I used to say 'I'm fine just a bit tired. Kids work you know how it is' and move on but after I had 12 hours sleep and still got the comments I jut started saying 'well I feel fine but thanks for making me feel like crap' or 'thanks for saying I look like shot' or I would try and get in there first and ask her how she was feeling cos she looked awful.

YANBU it's really rude.

Ellisisland · 01/06/2014 11:47

*shit not shot Wink

littlegreengloworm · 01/06/2014 11:48

Ha ha, she was impressed I'd say nomama

Original poster
Amber76 · 01/06/2014 12:26

I did tell her about being up early with the kids and that I was finding them full on at the moment.

I understand that it is well meant but it drives me mad.

If she was so concerned for my well being then instead of telling me I looked awful she could have helped me a bit with the kids. Baby is 11 months and is determined to climb stairs, knock over knick knacks, etc. so needs to be watched closely the whole time - she could have taken him off my hands for twenty minutes and let me have a cup of tea in peace. Instead she stands there watching me dealing with a toddler and new born in a house that is not childproofed and tells me repeatedly that I look rotten. Even though I looked in the mirror and think I looked fine! (Her house, family gathering type thing).

I know my children are my responsibility and not anyone else's but this would have been a way of helping me as opposed to criticising how I look. I think commenting negatively on someone's appearance is rude, however well intentioned.

OP posts:
MyLatest · 01/06/2014 13:03

What is your relationship with her like generally? That will give you an idea of whether she is just getting the boot in or is genuinely concerned.

MyLatest · 01/06/2014 13:07

FWIW I had a 'friend' who used to do this. After a while I realised that she did it on the days when I looked nice - if I was wearing something new or had bothered with make up, basically when I looked good and felt hapoy and confident. She was trying to take me down a peg and make herself feel better. Needless to say she is no
longer a friend Wink

SmileAndNod · 01/06/2014 13:13

You have an 11 month old and a newborn? You're entitled to look a bit tired. I get this a lot too but then I do look rough but no actual offers of help so that I may get a break Confused.

Some people don't think before they speak.

ShakesBootyFlabWobbles · 01/06/2014 13:23

Tell her you've been up most of the night having the best sex of your life... several times over. Wink

AnotherSpinningFuckingRainbow · 01/06/2014 13:31

I hate this crap. Why do people think it's ok to basically tell you you look like shit? I get this ALL. THE. TIME. So much so I have considered getting business cards printed out that have "Not Tired - Just Ugly" printed on.

I wouldn't mind but it's usually complete strangers, how would they know what I looked like normally?

4seasons · 01/06/2014 14:06

Get in there first next time! Ask if she's feeling ok , is she not sleeping ?
Also think the " having the best sex of your life " suggestion is great . Mind you , if I said that to my SIL I'd be questioned about it .

My SIL always looks me up and down and then when my DH isn't listening makes some oblique comments about my weight ( I'm only 2 stone overweight for goodness sake .. used to be skinny and now I'm not .... get over it .... sorry , I'm calm now )
She also uses the " tired " comments so I have decided that the next time we meet up I am going to follow my own advice and get in first with the personal comments .

Mil ( bless her cotton socks) , and to a lesser extent FIL used to always say this about DH when we met up and also used to ask .... "has he put on weight / lost weight ??" . Wanting to make sure that their little boy was being fed properly by yours truly.Got absolutely sick of it and eventually said I had no idea and suggested they asked him as I was not in charge of his weight.

Aspiringhuman · 01/06/2014 14:09

Drives me up the wall. In my case it's usually followed by "how can you be tired?" Yeah because I always do fuck all, bastard Angry.

Dolcelatte · 01/06/2014 14:31

I agree with all of the above but also perversely feel 'got at' when people tell me how 'well' I look.......

ThingsThatShine · 01/06/2014 18:22

Yes it's really rude! Especially to keep repeating it.

Dolce latte I think you look well can come across like, you normally look shit but somehow today you look ok!! So maybe that's what makes you feel got at?

offtoseethewizard64 · 01/06/2014 18:32

A neighbour told me the other day that 'I looked like I needed a holiday' just as we were telling him about our forthcoming short break. I think he meant well, and I definitely did need the holiday, but spent the next few days wondering what he meant, as I am physically in good health, not particularly sleep deprived and haven't actually known this neighbour very long. I am hoping he was just making conversation.

I did get fed up in my teenage years of people asking me if I was alright as I 'looked pale' though. I have naturally pale skin, but have never been particularly ill. I'm afraid it just means now that as son as the sun appears, i try and get a bit of a tan (unhealthy I know) just so I don't look so pale - the irony of it.

wheresthelight · 01/06/2014 18:33

Saying it once is concern repeating it over and over is just plain nasty!

flossy101 · 01/06/2014 18:42

This is my MIL , she is obsessed with asking me if I'm tired!

I used to find it v rude, as it was every single time I saw her. So now I do the most deliberate dramatic over-the top yawns and then state immediately that I feel on top of the world . DH say I'm childish

Dolcelatte · 01/06/2014 18:47

Aspiring, I think you are right!

myusernameis · 01/06/2014 19:22

Another pale person here who gets accused of being tired/ill a lot. Yawn yes I am a bit tired of being told I look tired. I usually tell them I'm naturally pale and ask them to please stop being racist towards me.

wintertimeisfun · 01/06/2014 19:29

i have a friend who does this. really pisses me off so much so that i have asked her in the nicest possible way not to keep doing it. she is the only person i know who does this. i have bags under my eyes due to genetics, always had them and obviously got worse as i have got older. when someone tells you you look tired they are basically saying you look bloody awful/haggered. i never say this to a female friend, not unless there is a very specific/related reason. goes against the sisterhood me' thinks...

PrincessBabyCat · 01/06/2014 19:36

The perfect response to that is. "Yes, I am! Can you take the kids for a bit so I can nap?"