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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am i over reacting?!?!?!?

33 replies

winky0210 · 31/05/2014 22:26

Dearest readers,

please help me, am i over reacting to life?!?!?!?

I am 29 years old, i am married, have two dd and live in beautiful village which is all fab. But i also have no time to enjoy any of those as my days are consumed with either dd's, hubby, house, dogs, his family or my nan.

I have no problem with any of those things and are all about helping family etc. but it just seems that my life is controlled with what others want of me?!?!?! It just seems my life saying is "well if i dont do it nobody else will". so i end up doing all because it is all left undone. My hubby says well just leave it, which is frustrating to say the least.........

out of 7 days i spend at least 4 travelling to and from my original home which is 50 miles round trip for others. I feel it is impacting home life and simple things like getting my hair coloured and cut......my hubby says i am just making reasons not to go when in reality it is others. HIS mother always rings with silly requests when im there and its gotten to the point where i have told her i am unavailable because i am taking my nan to doctors for test (re cancer) and she STILL phones me for stuff....

am i over reacting or is my break down justified.

any help or support is welcome, thanks all x

OP posts:
Sleepyhoglet · 31/05/2014 22:27

Do you work? A woman at my work doesn't want to retire as she knows her mother will expect her to be at her beck and call every two seconds.

brokenhearted55a · 31/05/2014 22:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ArcherAnguish · 31/05/2014 22:32

Work and children here. No time for hobbies or time to myself. DH is great and does loads around the house, but it is very rare that we get time without the children.

I just accept it for what it is and carry on as there is no other option.

Is there any changes you can make to free up some time?

BlackDaisies · 31/05/2014 22:33

Are your 4 travelling days for your nan? That's difficult, could other family members help out with supporting her? Could you put your phone on silent and screen your calls from your MIL? I think you need to book in a few lovely things for yourself and say you're unavailable!

ArcherAnguish · 31/05/2014 22:34

And I'm not really sure it is worth having a breakdown over.

Backtobedlam · 31/05/2014 22:35

I get your point, and often feel the same. Strangely enough since going back to work part time I seem to get a lot more time to do things I want. I think if your at home all the time some people seem to assume you're just sat around twiddling your thumbs with nothing to do, and don't realise that they aren't the only one occupying your time.

Original poster
winky0210 · 31/05/2014 22:37

brokenhearted55a.......i am running my own business so really if i want my hair coloured and cut i should be able to, i myself and my family come from a long line of professionals that are controlled by others from myself, to nurses, to social workers, to prison workers, to lawyers and mod workers.

OP posts:
brokenhearted55a · 31/05/2014 22:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
winky0210 · 31/05/2014 22:41

Thanks for all your replies. I do work but think i just need to say NO more, it just really peeves me when it takes time away from my dd's. i try not to let it effect them at all. always attend parents evening, open days, play dates, parties, homework and all that motherhood entails. x

OP posts:
PlushSuppie · 31/05/2014 22:42

Not really sure what the problem is? You're quite busy and are deciding if you are justified/can fit in a breakdown? Confused

CookieMonsterIsHot · 31/05/2014 22:42

I am confused. Are you saying that you moved 25 miles away from MIL and she still expects you to visit 4 times a week to do stuff for her?

If so, MILIBU.

Say no. Don't make excuses just her you don't have time, which is true.

ArcherAnguish · 31/05/2014 22:43

But that is just working life winky - if you are employed you are to an extent controlled or managed by your boss - if you own your own business what you do is dictated by the customer.

If you want a hair cut you need to ask yourself "what am I doing now that I don't need to do?".

Sometimes there just isn't time and that is just tough - can your DH not take a day off to help you out?

Original poster
winky0210 · 31/05/2014 22:43

but really shouldnt we be able to control our own lives......well maybe in a perfect world.

Think i may start screening as her own dd doesnt feel the guilt of the rejects button x

OP posts:
Original poster
winky0210 · 31/05/2014 22:46

I moved away from home which was a town for a better life for my family, but dont have the time to enjoy it..

and hell no have no time for a breakdown by the look of the schedule for this week x

OP posts:
ArcherAnguish · 31/05/2014 22:46

No we can't control our own lives - we can head in the direction we want, but outside influences will always impact.

brokenhearted55a · 31/05/2014 22:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Backtobedlam · 31/05/2014 22:47

Agree to screening calls-if it's urgent they'll leave a message, if not you can call back that evening and apologise but say you've been flat out (having your hair done) all day and only just got chance to call back.

Brabra · 31/05/2014 22:48

Why is the suggestion from your husband of 'just leave it' so frustrating? If everything is getting on top of you, why not just leave things for others to do?

brokenhearted55a · 31/05/2014 22:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
winky0210 · 31/05/2014 22:48

DH, runs his own business and works 12-15 hrs a day.

Looks like its time to look through some commitments and turn them down and get the balance right x

OP posts:
Original poster
winky0210 · 31/05/2014 22:53

Love how in words it all looks so simple but in reality it seems to hard!!!

think screening is the way forward......do the important and the little bits can be done at a later date.

No worries, regarding typo's.......x

OP posts:
Original poster
winky0210 · 31/05/2014 22:54

Appreciate all suggestions and thoughts will be trying to put them all into practice......all about the balance x

OP posts:
MyLatest · 31/05/2014 22:59

I actually find it quite disturbing how many people on this thread seem to think they are passengers in their own lives.

There are some things we can't control in life but there are many things that we can. Working for yourself is one of the best ways to have some degree of control over your working life. The fact that you are working for yourself isn't your problem OP - I get the impression you have very high expectations of yourself in every area of your life. You need to make changes here.

E.g. you can either say sod the housework or get a cleaner. You don't have to do it all.

You can ask DH to do more by way of appointments / parents' evenings etc.

You can say no to your MIL.

You can look at your commitments and decide which are most valuable. Bin the rest.

You need to carve out some space for yourself, even if it is an evening a week for a hobby.

It's time to get strict with yourself and your family OP. You have the right to enjoy your own life too. You are not a slave and your sole purpose is not to serve others. Women buy into this martyr crap far too often. No one will give you a medal for reaching retirement and realising that your life has passed you by in a blur. What do you WANT from your life? What can you do to make it that way? Break it down into simple, manageable actions. Write down a plan. Put it into action.

Original poster
winky0210 · 31/05/2014 23:10

MyLatest........I have read and re-read what you have written and i absolutely love what you have written. I thought that working for myself would give me that flexibility to do the things that matter. But it turned out so different, my work time went down but commitment went up, love all my family so much but think things need to change so there's some balance.......just so i have time to enjoy, stop and smell the coffee...if you know what i mean x

OP posts:
ArcherAnguish · 31/05/2014 23:16

Don't see anyone saying be a martyr Mylatest.- it is just the reality for many people.

I couldn't work less hours and neither could DH, so we make do as a family. The fact that we rarely have any free time is the life we have made for ourselves. Yes, I could drive a cheaper car, live in a smaller house, eat cheap, processed food, restrict the children's activities and not go on holiday - but that wouldn't make me any happier and it does not make me a martyr.