Am i over reacting?!?!?!?

[winky0210]

Dearest readers,

please help me, am i over reacting to life?!?!?!?

I am 29 years old, i am married, have two dd and live in beautiful village which is all fab. But i also have no time to enjoy any of those as my days are consumed with either dd's, hubby, house, dogs, his family or my nan.

I have no problem with any of those things and are all about helping family etc. but it just seems that my life is controlled with what others want of me?!?!?! It just seems my life saying is "well if i dont do it nobody else will". so i end up doing all because it is all left undone. My hubby says well just leave it, which is frustrating to say the least.........

out of 7 days i spend at least 4 travelling to and from my original home which is 50 miles round trip for others. I feel it is impacting home life and simple things like getting my hair coloured and cut......my hubby says i am just making reasons not to go when in reality it is others. HIS mother always rings with silly requests when im there and its gotten to the point where i have told her i am unavailable because i am taking my nan to doctors for test (re cancer) and she STILL phones me for stuff....

am i over reacting or is my break down justified.

any help or support is welcome, thanks all x

No one is saying be a martyr Archer but lots of women sleepwalk into that role, mainly because society praises them for it. ('Oh you're such a caring mother / wife / daughter / granddaughter etc. Your home is so tidy. You're so good endlessly ferrying your children to X, Y and Z.) You have made conscious choices about your life and seem to be happy with them. The OP is not happy which is why she has written the thread. Something needs to give and at the minute it's her health and happiness.

I think it is very easy to get railroaded into a life we don't want, especially when kids come along. Some people accept their lot and go with the flow. I happen to think that life is short, precious and passes in a flash. I decided that I didn't want that to happen so I made changes and stubbornly carved out some time for myself. If I don't my mental and physical health suffers. It is doable but sometimes it can be hard to see that when you are feeling overwhelmed. Ironically it can sometimes mean working much harder in the short term. In my case it meant a period of effectively working two jobs so I could go self-employed. It hasn't been easy all the way but I have time and flexibility that other people dream of. It is possible but it can mean changing your expectations and taking time to figure out what is important to you.

Winky a book you might like is Be your own life coach by Fiona Harrold. It's very short, sweet and in between the motivational guff it has some really good, searching exercises to help you figure out what you want from life. You sound like you work very hard and you absolutely deserve a chance to sit down and enjoy a cup of coffee and smell the roses. Otherwise why bother being your own master? Being self-employed is only a good thing if you can make it work for your benefit.

I find it odd you think others are doing this to you. you are doing it to yourself. you need to better prioritise things in your life. if your nan is ill that fifty mile round trip sounds worth it, she will be a long time gone. if your mil is asking you to do silly things just say no.

I agree that you need to take control and start prioritising. I would continue to answer MIL's calls (keeping them brief), otherwise she'll not get the message that you're not available for everything she wants.

It's like I'm reading about me.

I have discovered I have impossibly high standards and I take on a lot because I'm the best one to do things. I like to feel valued and I give because I enjoy feeling valued. However at the same time I resent it.

I finally realise that my resentment is misplaced, people aren't putting things on me, they are treating me the way I've trained them to! I'm the one with the problem because my friends and family aren't grabby or thoughtless.

I find it hard to say no, hard to let things slip but I've gradually been working on all of that. Life is better since I realised this is something that only I can change and that I actually want to change it. I won't pretend, it's hard changing the core of who I've been and my be vigour for the past 41 years.

*and my behaviour

Why are people saying "that's just what happens" "no ones life is their own once they have dc/ a job" ??
My life is my own. People will treat you as badly as you let them sometimes.
If your MIL is making demands on you, direct her to her own son. After all, she is his mother.
Sorry about your Nan. Concentrate on the things that are really priorities, and ignore all else.
You know you dont have to attend every play date/ pta event/village fete, don't you?
And of course you should be able to get your hair done! Jeesus Christ, when did it become over entitled to want to be able to get to the hairdrssers now and again? I am glad I don't live in that world.

I think you have to break down (not literally!) what it is that is taking the time.

I can't believe all the people on here saying suck it up. If you suck it up plus working for too many year you get burned out, tired and exhausted.

You don't have to live at everyone's beck and call, I suggest you write down the things you have to do in a week and then look again at them- discuss with your partner what is reasonable, think about what is absolutely essential and then do that and only that.

I could fill every evening with visiting elderly relatives, baking cakes for my ill neighbours, calling friends, indeed I would love to, but I work f/t and have children to look after. You have no help at home from your partner. That means that this amount of traveling is unsustainable and affecting your family life.

Who gives a if everyone else is tired, exhausted, rushed off their feet and making themselves ill? Go right ahead- I think it's better for you as a mum to be healthy happy and have a manageable workload that is sustainable in the long term.

If you can't afford a life coach, buy a book on it and look at your priority tasks- everything else is optional, even if MIL has a paddy or your friend feels a little sad you didn't have that chat. Ditch the rest for a few weeks- say to the 'extra' people or tasks- my gran is ill right now so I'm going to prioritize that. Or my dd needs some time at the moment, I'm prioritizing that.