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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mum is a strop with me, AIBU?

44 replies

ScrambledEggAndToast · 31/05/2014 11:10

Prepared to be told IABU but wanted to know what others think.

I love my mum to bits but she has a habit of repeating herself over and over again. Just today within the space of a 1 mile journey, she had said the same thing about 6 times. Where we used to live, every time we passed her old place of work, I used to get a massive long spiel about how awful it was to work there. I knew it off by heart after about the 20th time.

Today, I finally said "you've already said that several times". Just that, politely and non aggressively. She is now in a right strop saying that I am always putting her down. When I asked her when I have done it before, she had no other examples.

I feel really bad that she is upset but this has been going on for years and it's incredibly annoying and boring being told the same thing over and over again.

She hasn't got dementia or anything. I wonder sometimes whether it's loneliness as she hasn't got any friends and, apart from her sister, I'm the only person she really speaks to.

What do you reckon, AIBU?

OP posts:

Perfectlypurple · 31/05/2014 11:13

Yabu. Its just one of those things about getting older. My mum does it all the time. It doesn't cost me anything to just let her witter on.

mercibucket · 31/05/2014 11:14

A mile in the car? So 3 minutes? I would worry a bit about repeating something 6 times in 3-5 minutes tbh. Maybe see GP?

Mrsjayy · 31/05/2014 11:15

Yabu you should smile and nod my mum has the same coversation everytime I see her is dd at school is dd working is dh working it is irritating though

HecatePropylaea · 31/05/2014 11:15

I know you said it is not dementia, but has she always done this? Even when you were a child? Told you the same thing several times within a short space of time?

Because it doesn't have to be dementia for it to be as a result of old age, iyswim.

Original poster

ScrambledEggAndToast · 31/05/2014 11:17

I know I should just suck it up but when you can predict exactly what is coming next it makes me want to reach for the The ironic thing is, she always complains that he sister does the same, although her sister is the queen of it

OP posts:

ScarlettDarling · 31/05/2014 11:17

I know how annoying that can be, my dad is very similar, but he's very ill and doesn't get out at all, so i honestly don't think he's got much to say and ends up repeating himself continually. Personally, i bite my tongue and just let him repeat himself. As much as it can drive me mad, i know how hurt he'd be if i pulled him up on it. So yes, i do think yabu, but i understand why! Buy her a cake and apologise for being snappy !

melika · 31/05/2014 11:20

Be glad she is still with you, wittering on.

RyvitaBerry · 31/05/2014 11:24

Maybe she's repeating herself because she doesn't feel you've heard her.

Just try being really sympathetic and repeating back to her what she's said with a really sympathetic tone. Ok, try it once. If it doesn't work and she keeps going on then well at least you've tried the sympathy thing!

There was 'a thing' I used to go on about and couldn't let go because I just felt really angry that people didn't acknowledge how hard it at been for me to be at the receiving end of such bad behaviour. I have let it go now, but looking back, it would have been easier for me to let it go sooner if I'd felt like people got how hard it was . My mother was the stiff upper lip get on with it, move on, no point going over old ground type.

MammaTJ · 31/05/2014 11:24

My exH used to do this when we went past somewhere he lived while growing up! I would just say 'You never did!' or get in there first!

Quite effective!

Original poster

ScrambledEggAndToast · 31/05/2014 11:25

I do feel bad tbh but she made me feel bad for saying that I am always putting her down. In fact the opposite is true. I am very grateful for everything she does for me and always thank her and show my appreciation where I can by helping out doing odd jobs and things.

OP posts:

CanaryYellow · 31/05/2014 11:25

My mum does this, it's like Groundhog Day sometimes.

We've had the same conversation about the venue of a family party several times now. The last time, I told her she's asked me the same question a few times already and she denied that she had. So now I'm actually genuinely worried about her. And she's only 60.

Does your mum actually recall telling you these things already?

HecatePropylaea · 31/05/2014 11:31

If it is that she doesn't feel heard, then perhaps when she starts the sentence, you could say oh yes, you'd said that ..... and repeat the story to her.

Standinginline · 31/05/2014 11:42

I know it's annoying but sometimes that's habits from people that you've got to take on along with that person. I went through a stage of pointing out (in my head ) things my mum did that annoyed the hell out of me. But ,I realised that I'm equally as annoying in different ways like I do tend to repeat myself ,I do tend to glaze over if it's not a subject that interests me ,I do jump to conclusions etc... Would be hurt if someone pointed it out.

chipshop · 31/05/2014 11:46

My DPs both do this. Can you learn to tune out while sounding like you are listening? I think about all sorts and just make the odd "yes" "uhuh" noise to keep em happy.

confusion77 · 31/05/2014 12:07

I don't think you should tune out. In fact you may already have tuned out, and as a result she repeats herself more.

My mum does it a lot and also reacts badly if I point it out. I find 'yes, you just said' works well.

pinkdelight · 31/05/2014 12:31

My mil does this, drives me potty, but I do the nod and smile and stealthily cut in and change the subject whenever possible. Sounds like your mum is embarrassed and unnerved and so said the 'putting me down' thing defensively, so that she didn't have to deal with the reality. Do you think she's half aware of it and a bit scared by it? It could well just be standard aged garrulousness, but keep an eye on it. YANBU btw.

Doinmummy · 31/05/2014 12:37

Sitting at the table with my elderly parents, Mum tells me the story about the boiler (boring enough in itself) then Dad, who's been sitting there listening, tells me the same bloody story .

It happens every time. It's like a bloody echo in the room.

FunLovinBunster · 31/05/2014 12:43

A loud "For Gods sake, Mother. Stop repeating yourself" usually suffices.

Doinmummy · 31/05/2014 12:44

I have many conversations with them along the lines of:

Dad: did I tell you about the neighbours and the fox?

Me : yes Dad you did

Dad: well , the neighbours feed this fox ............

FunLovinBunster · 31/05/2014 12:46

Or, how about "Just shut the fuck up Mother. I didn't ask to be born."

Helpys · 31/05/2014 12:48

Tune out or talk yourself.
She's connecting by chattering.

WynkenBlynkenandNod · 31/05/2014 12:49

I think it is a big fear for a lot of people that they will get Dementia and then end up in care, hence her hostile reaction. Also difficult if she doesn't know she's doing it as to be told you are and not remember must be unsettling.

It is highly annoying but does 'ah right' and trying to lead onto another subject work at all? I think if people don't have much interaction with a variety of people it does affect their social skills and they lose the ability to self monitor what they are saying to some extent.

However, though annoying there are many wirse things she could be doing and if you are sure there's nothing underlying going on then I think grit your teeth and try diversion.

springbabydays · 31/05/2014 12:50

Yanbu I also find things like this annoying (but am probably guilty of the same thing sometimes tbh)

This sounds quite excessive though. Are you quite sure there isn't something else going on?

CarCiKoTab · 31/05/2014 12:55

Oh bless you, I don't think YABU. My mum is exactly like your mum, I talk to her everyday but I'm quite open with my mum in respect that I will tell her straight for example:

Mum: Did I tell you that I bought a new dog toy?
Me: Yes about 300 fucking times
Mum: (Laughs)
Me: Well you do insist on repeating yourself

She's learned to see the funny side now. Try and make a light hearted joke about it, she'll come round.

odyssey2001 · 31/05/2014 13:02

I think you are being very unreasonable. I would give anything to hear my mum tell me the same thing six times. I will never get the chance to hear her say anything ever again. Feel grateful for what you have and stop being so selfish.

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