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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mum is a strop with me, AIBU?

44 replies

ScrambledEggAndToast · 31/05/2014 11:10

Prepared to be told IABU but wanted to know what others think.

I love my mum to bits but she has a habit of repeating herself over and over again. Just today within the space of a 1 mile journey, she had said the same thing about 6 times. Where we used to live, every time we passed her old place of work, I used to get a massive long spiel about how awful it was to work there. I knew it off by heart after about the 20th time.

Today, I finally said "you've already said that several times". Just that, politely and non aggressively. She is now in a right strop saying that I am always putting her down. When I asked her when I have done it before, she had no other examples.

I feel really bad that she is upset but this has been going on for years and it's incredibly annoying and boring being told the same thing over and over again.

She hasn't got dementia or anything. I wonder sometimes whether it's loneliness as she hasn't got any friends and, apart from her sister, I'm the only person she really speaks to.

What do you reckon, AIBU?

OP posts:

Joysmum · 31/05/2014 14:33

I've found that as my relatives have got older their world shrinks so they have less to talk about and they are less comfortable with silence.

The best thing I've found is to have a mental list of topics of conversations to distract away from the usual ones.

I feel sorry for the relatives of some of those on this thread

ThaneOfScunthorpe · 31/05/2014 16:11

My FIL does this and it drives me insane. He kind of settles down to tell the story as if he's about to recite The Iliad and we know we're in for a 39th retelling of how he argued with a supermarket manager over some stale buns in 1987.

likeaboss · 31/05/2014 16:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

emms1981 · 31/05/2014 16:54

I'm guilty of doing this, I don't have any friends so only have my husband to speak to, sometimes I forget if I've told him something and when he says yeah I know you told me then it hurts because it highlights the fact that I don't have anyone to talk to.

TalisaMaegyr · 31/05/2014 16:59

Listen, those of you that have lost their mothers, I'm really sorry, truly I am. But please stop trying to make people feel guilty for being irritated by theirs - it's human nature.

OP, my mum doesn't repeat herself really - but she does tell me little snippets of news about people that I don't know, and it drives me mad

And my DP is one of those people that witters on and talks at me for hours... I love him, but sometimes I have to tell him to shut the fuck up

GrendelsMinim · 31/05/2014 17:02

Is she on any medications? I'm asking as a neighbour started getting very confused in his conversations, repeating himself a lot,and it turned out it was a side effect of his statins. Might be worth checking?

Mrsjayy · 31/05/2014 17:05

My dh and I think he is going to drive the dds insane I have heard all his stories a millio times I tune him out I do love him but....

Mrsjayy · 31/05/2014 17:06

Dh witters not sure what the last post was about

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 31/05/2014 17:23

My mother used to do this. As soon as she got to the end of some dull story, she'd start from the very beginning again as if we hadn't heard it before (we had! Dozens of times) or weren't paying attention the first time. With the added bonus of a little tangential stray down a conversational wayside about people I'd never met and couldn't care less about. There were compensations for having to sit through it all. Lots of them, but my god it was a strain sometimes not to shout at her.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 31/05/2014 17:29

Mil does this, although it might be the same thing 4 times over 4 hours. Her mother did it too (I'm told) and DH has a tendency to do it a bit. I think it's difficult to know what's personality and what's dementia. SIBU for being in a piss with you. I wonder whether you can cut her short by summarising whatever she's about to tell you again.

17leftfeet · 31/05/2014 17:31

My ex did this and I think it's because he has very poor conversational skills and it was stories he was comfortable with, from a time in his life when he was happy -but my god I will never be able to drive through Dorset without lipsincing to his bloody stories

Tanith · 31/05/2014 17:35

My DH's nanna used to do this - the same 10 minute conversation repeated over and over - at least I never ran out of things to say :)

GottaGetThisOut · 31/05/2014 17:42

My friend is the same. She's told me countless stories over and over and over again. Realising she's told me over and over and over again doesn't stop her though.

Example:

Friend: Honestly she's so cheeky! I'll never forget the time we were in the pub...
Me: Yeah you've told me before.
Friend: Oh sorry luv I know I've probably told you. Honestly though I just couldn't believe it! She said....

.....and she proceeds to re tell the story despite the fact that she's just acknowledged that she's told me before.

If she's drunk it's even worse. She'll tell the same story several times over the course of an evening.

ItsDinah · 31/05/2014 17:55

It was not unreasonable to try telling your mum straight out. In fact I think you have to try it at least once in the hope she takes it in board and doesn't alienate other potential social contacts. I have found the best coping technique is to exclaim enthusiastically when the anecdote begins "Oh,yes,I remember you told me about that". Continue to repeat some of what you have been told {numerous times} and then try to steer them off on a tangent by asking about something related . You might get some chat you are actually interested in. Most older people have a lot of good family gossip or entertaining or interesting stories about their youth that are worth hearing.

Hassled · 31/05/2014 18:00

I'm not sure if it's the world shrinking - I think your memory just goes to pot after a certain age. I'm late 40s and my DCs are already saying "Mum - you've told me that before". Sometimes I think - yes of course I did, and other times I have no recollection of it - it's actually quite scary.

So I think you were right to call her on it - I'm much more careful now and will say "have I told you what happened on X" before I start on an anecdote, at work or with friends. It's good that I'm careful, that I know my memory isn't as strong as it was - but I needed my DCs calling me on repetition to get there, IYSWIM.

RedRoom · 31/05/2014 18:46

I think she is more unreasonable to take such serious offence at such a very small criticism. If she keeps repeating herself, then that's a fact: why can you not say that to her without her being touchy and feeling you are out to attack her? There's a deeper issue there, surely. Also, I agree with Likeaboss and Talisa the 'be glad you have a mother' guilt trip posts irritate me, and I don't have a mother either. People's mothers can cause annoyance. That doesn't stop because we have lost ours. My ex's mum was a fucking pain in the arse.

Xihha · 31/05/2014 18:55

My mum does this, I like to finish the story for her, then she asks if one or other of my siblings or my Dad had already told me. She's only in her 50's and has done it as long as I can remember.

Amy106 · 31/05/2014 20:34

It sounds like loneliness to me. She doesn't have a lot of opportunities for conversations and tries to make the most of when she is with someone, even if she has to repeat herself to think of something to say. Does she need more hobbies or interests that would get her out and about with others and make some friends?

PleaseJustShootMeNow · 31/05/2014 20:56

I've started doing this in recent years. My daughter always laughs and pulls me up on it. I laugh along but if I'm really honest, it hurts but I don't know why. I do the same to my husband too but he's so forgetful that he can't remember that I've told him a million times already, so I'm ok there.

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