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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Good manners or am I anal?

31 replies

MrsPatrickDempsey · 31/05/2014 05:54

Is it me or is it the norm these days that people just don't acknowledge or say thank you for gifts? I have 3 nephews and nieces all in their teens - they are my husbands side of family. We are not especially close so I don't have much clue regarding their likes/dislikes so I always send a voucher or money for birthdays. Never get a thank you or acknowledgement. I actually suspended gift giving for this reason a couple if years ago but felt guilty that they sent my two children a gift one year. (Mind you - they don't regularly remember birthdays. Don't expect gifts -btw).

Are my expectations too high? I don't expect a 3 page letter; a face book message would be fine. Do I ignore or send a 'worried about the reliability of the post - did you get it - email'?

OP posts:

ShutTheFuckUpBarbara · 31/05/2014 06:00

They should acknowledge it, yes. Preferably in a quick phone call, but failing that a text/ Facebook message would be better than nothing.

I would send them the email OP, just to make a point.

hellokittymania · 31/05/2014 06:05

I agree, unfortunately teens and manners don't always go together.

lanbro · 31/05/2014 06:13

Always, always thank someone for a gift, so rude not to!

MrsPresley · 31/05/2014 06:24

I find this too

And not just teens! I've been to two weddings in the past 6 months and haven't had a thank you for the presents or even just a thanks for coming! and as far as I know, no one has. I find that really rude, a quick text or a message on facebook, both brides and grooms are on facebook, so no excuses!

Rude! Very rude!

Chottie · 31/05/2014 06:26

Very ungrateful behaviour, I would be concerned that the voucher hadn't arrived.

Monopolice · 31/05/2014 06:33

Never had a verbal or written thank you from any of DH's DN. They know our phone number as SIL will phone to demand ask for X, Y or Z though.

Joysmum · 31/05/2014 08:53

My expectations would start with the parents 'reminding' their offspring to be polite.

mindthegap79 · 31/05/2014 09:28

Yanbu! I once did the worried not sure if it arrived in the post thing and got a reply saying I'd mis-addressed it and a neighbour had had to bring it round! No thank you though. And this from an adult.

wowfudge · 31/05/2014 10:03

YANBU at all. I find that all too often people fail to say thank you. It's just rude.

I have a friend whose kids have never yet thanked me for anything unless I was there in person (rarely). Unfortunately I think I have to lay their lack of manners at her door as they are still too young to know better.

Other friends send lovely homemade cards with photos and messages - always lovely to receive, plus I get useful feedback on the gifts.

okeydonkey · 31/05/2014 10:10

I think this is soooo rude. If you haven't been able to say thank you in person then send a card.no excuses. However I find it OTT when People send thank you cards when they've said thank you on receiving gift and opening in front if me.

tinfoilhat · 31/05/2014 10:36

I've been annoyed about exactly the same thing. I've got 3 nephews and a niece, all in their teens and twenties and I haven't received a thank you for birthdays or Christmas for a few years now. They're all on Facebook, so no excuse in my opinion. I didn't even get a happy birthday on my 40th from any of them!
Bizarrely enough, it was my nephews birthday a few days ago and I heard through my Dad that my sister had the hump with me because I left it to the last minute to ask if he wanted anything special....ffs...

meditrina · 31/05/2014 10:41

A thank you message is both polite and useful to confirm that the present has actually arrived.

Learning to compose a suitable message effortlessly and send it by form appropriate to recipient is a skill which stands people in good stead.

doziedoozie · 31/05/2014 10:43

I stopped pressies at 18 (great relief) except for a cheque at 21.

Just a card at xmas.

choirmumoftwo · 31/05/2014 10:46

My 15 year old DS has already written and posted his thank you's for his birthday last friday. I can't bear bad manners,rudeness or ingratitude.

tinfoilhat · 31/05/2014 10:47

I would get disowned if I did that! It's a total no-no to omit presents to 'children' in our family. Being rude, however, seems to be acceptable...

WitchWay · 31/05/2014 10:56

I have several friends whose children never say thank you for presents, including my SIL. We sent quite expensive gifts for their 18ths (silver penknives for the boys & a silver bangle for the girl) & heard nothing from the eldest at all until MIL mentioned we were worried the gift hadn't arrived & then he emailed about the "awesome" gift - this was several months later. The other boy thanked us months later when we all met up & the girl hasn't bothered.

My own DS is really bad about thanking people but will get round to it in the end, after a suitable amount of nagging. It's the writing of cards he hates, but will phone or text which is better than nothing I suppose.

DollyWosits · 31/05/2014 10:56

Very rude. It take two minutes to write an email.

We stopped giving presents at 18.

cozietoesie · 31/05/2014 11:05

We didn't actually stop giving presents at 18 (after a substantial 18th gift) but now that they're 'adults' they've gone on to the same footing as everyone else in the family. No more automatic gifts regardless of whether they've contacted us (or usually not ) for the last umpty years.

I let the parents know as well - in a non-specific way when we were already talking about something.

ConferencePear · 31/05/2014 11:10

I think the problem is even worse if you choose a gift from a particular store, say for a wedding, or if you send something by post because you are never sure if the intended recipient actually received the gift.
You are then in the position of being left wondering or the even worse one of asking if they received it which inevitably sounds heavy-handed.

emms1981 · 31/05/2014 11:20

I hate this, I always do the chritmas shopping for my DH family, always tell DH I'm not but do because I know he won't, and we get no thank you's, his step father always gets a bag full and had never thanked us in fact last year when I saw him a couple of days after christmas he didn't even say a word to us!
Last year I had a snotty message past on to me that my m.I.l is fed up of hearing people moaning about us not thanking them for gifs, baring in mind that I had a tin of biscuts handed to me at work on new years eve at work from b.I.l via his nan, a selection box left at m.I.ls from a cousin and my s.I.l left some p.js at her mums so nobody came to see us or even let us know they were visiting. I bought some lovely hand made pillows last chritmas from a local lady, a lot of work went into them and my mil chucked hers on the sofa and it was covered in dog hair in 2 mins, I always say it but never again

GoblinLittleOwl · 31/05/2014 11:28

Several times given carefully chosen presents for newborn babies via their grandparents; never even a verbal second-hand thank you. Yet presents given personally to work colleagues, opened at the time and gratefully received, have been acknowledged later with a handwritten thank you on a picture of the baby. Lovely .

emms1981 · 31/05/2014 11:29

My b.I.l never thanked us for the money he had as a wedding gift either, as I understand it after a wedding you make thank yous listing what each person gave you e.g thank you so much for the crappy photo frame or the crappyhand towels

Runesigil · 31/05/2014 13:31

I'm so pleased it's not just me it's happened to. I have 2DN's who have recently had their first babies a few months apart. We sent birth gifts and were thanked. One DN visited and I gave them a gift bag of things I'd bought so was thanked on the spot and it was lovely to see they did genuinely like what I'd given. I also gave an almost identical gift bag for them to give to the other DN and have never heard a word, don't know if they've got them or what, although both DN's and families are in frequent contact.

HappyAgainOneDay · 31/05/2014 13:42

Yes, I've a spate of birthdays at the moment. Varying ages from 8 to 20. I've had only one telephone call to thank me so far and I had to get out of the bath to answer that one.

Frankly, I would prefer a handwritten note but with a second class stamp costing what it does now, an e-mail would be acceptable. The lack of a 'thank you' makes you wonder why you bother buying presents for them but if you have a cut off birthday (eg 21), at least you know it will come to an end one day.

Unfortunately, I like thinking about what to get for whom and succeeding in finding something that I think the recipient will like........ Yes, why do I bother?

wheresthelight · 31/05/2014 15:54

My dsc's looked st me with abject horror when I made them write (proper pen and paper too) thank you notes. Dp's family were even more sshocked to receive them as neither he nor exw ever bothered.

It is polite and courteous but tbh you can't blame kids fir the crap example set by the adults around them

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