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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Another Wedding one

26 replies

StackALee · 30/05/2014 17:13

But not about me, just somethig someone I know is going through.

Should the mother of the bride (Who is paying for wedding) go to help choose dresses for bridesmaids?

or is it ok/normal for the bride to go and do this with her bridesmaids without mother present?

OP posts:

Clargo55 · 30/05/2014 17:16

Well I think it would be nice to include her, but maybe the bride saw it as a nice girls day with her friends.

I also do not think the dresses should be the mothers choice.

onetiredmummy · 30/05/2014 17:16

Its usually between the bride & the bridesmaids, but if the MotB is paying for them then it would be graceless to say she can't go as well.

I suppose it depends on the MotB's motives, is she of the mind that because she is paying she gets a say in all of the decisions?

Arsepaste · 30/05/2014 17:16

It is perfectly acceptable for the bride and the bridesmaids not to need the mother of the bride along when picking their dresses. Mothers of the brides don't even need to be there when the bride is picking her dress, either. Mine wasn't, and she paid for it anyway.

littlepeas · 30/05/2014 17:18

I think it should be up to the bride and bridesmaids. I actually don't think the parents of the bride should have any real say in the wedding at all, even if they are paying. My cousin recently got married and his wife's parents paid for everything and dictated a lot - I felt really sorry for them (though of course they could have paid for it themselves).

Arsepaste · 30/05/2014 17:19

(I didn't ask her to, btw, and as it only cost 50 anyway, it wasn't that big a deal)

Nanny0gg · 30/05/2014 17:19

It used to be the case that MoB would be involved, especially if she's paying.

Etiquette has pretty much gone out of the window in these matters today, however.

I think though, it would have been kind of the bride to ask her along.

SanityClause · 30/05/2014 17:22

If the MOB is paying, it would be extremely rude not to invite her, if she expressed an interest in going.

However, it would also be very rude to demand to go because "I'm paying".

Vintagejazz · 30/05/2014 17:23

" I actually don't think the parents of the bride should have any real say in the wedding at all, even if they are paying"

I have to say, I don't agree with this. If they're paying they should be included in some of the decisions and certainly allowed to invite their own friends as well as the B&Gs.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 30/05/2014 17:26

I wouldn't say anything is 'normal' now days.

My bridesmaid and I went together to get her dress, my mum only came shopping once to look at dresses for me (we don't live nearby), and infact I bought my dress when I was on my own!

Chopsypie · 30/05/2014 17:37

I did invite my mum to choose BM dresses but my BM were my sister, neice and sis in law, so would have been strange to have a girlie shopping day and not include her.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 30/05/2014 17:42

I don't think there are any hard and fast rules about this?

MissBattleaxe · 30/05/2014 17:50

I think since the MOB is paying, it's gracious to invite her. If she doesn't come, I would say the rule of thumb is don't take the piss if she's paying for it all.

meditrina · 30/05/2014 17:51

This isn't covered by rules.

It's to do with the relationship between mother nd daughter. Nd for the to have grown to some sort of show down (where an external authority is sort) suggests that communication is not good.

I hop that both can work to restore it. Else the wedding might prove to be a wrecker, not an enhancer of family life.

magpiegin · 30/05/2014 17:55

Although it would be nice to invite her I don't think it would be on for the mother to dictate what dresses were bought (unless cost was a problem and she was paying). Surely a mother of the bride would want to pay and have the bride have the day she wants, I don't think she should dictate anything and especially not have her friends there!!

Appletini · 30/05/2014 19:06

I have to say, I don't agree with this. If they're paying they should be included in some of the decisions and certainly allowed to invite their own friends as well as the B&Gs.

Why? It's not their wedding.

I think this is ridiculous and the Motb shouldn't be such a mumzilla.

ChickenFajitasAndNachos · 30/05/2014 19:14

Tricky one, DH and I paid for everything ourselves so things were easier in a way. Is the DM actually paying for the dresses or giving some money and the bride has decided to use it on dresses and other things. Is their a budget?

indigo18 · 30/05/2014 19:17

Good grief, I've heard it all now. Mother of Bride should pay but not invite her friends, or have any say!!! What planet are you lot on. Entitled does not begin to cover it! If you are lucky enough for your parents to pay, why should they not invite friends to share the day? I think it would be very sad indeed to allow your mother to pay for a dress but not have the joy of accompanying you to choose it! I am truly flabbergasted by this attitude. If she is paying for bridesmaids' dresses and would enjoy the process of choosing, then she should be included. Otherwise, get off your arses and pay for it all yourselves.

ohldoneedtogetagrip · 30/05/2014 19:17

I'm going again with DD1 and her bridesmaids to look for dresses next weekend. I was asked to go along--did not demand and l am paying for them. oops DH and l are paying for them

Bogeyface · 30/05/2014 19:19

Traditionally the FOB paid and the MOB organised the wedding to suit his budget, the bride and groom got what they were given.

So if the mother is paying then yes of course she should be involved in the decisions, its her money after all! If you dont want other people to be involved, pay for it yourself, its that simple.

In this case I would say that yes the MOB should be involved in choosing the dresses even if only from a budgetary point of view. If the bride announces that she has chosen dresses that are twice the amount MOB is prepared to pay then you have an issue, but if MOB is there then she can guide/remind the bride of the cash limit.

Peanut14 · 30/05/2014 19:24

No I don't think the MOB needs to be there or feel she should be there but it would be nice if she was invited.

Personally I think that the B&G should pay for their own wedding these days, a contribution from the parents is nice but not the parents of the bride paying for the whole day.

Does the MOB feel she should have a say in the dresses?

meditrina · 30/05/2014 19:36

"Why? It's not their wedding."

Because they are paying and wish not to be overlooked. Perhaps the B&G should just take over the bills, then they need not take anyone else's views into consideration at all.

Original poster

StackALee · 30/05/2014 21:44

Just seen the replies.

Mob had a great deal of involvement with picking the wedding dress, bride now wearing lovely dress that is nothing like the style she wanted. Mob very anti-original style.

Bride says she wants a day with her bridesmaids and for them to have a part in the decision making re what dress to but. MOB is very upset, thinks dresses not chosen by her will be wrong.

OP posts:

LemonBreeland · 30/05/2014 21:54

MOB is being unreasonable if she thinks she can veto choices and that things won't be right if she doesn't pick sounds like she wants the wedding to look her way, and that is not right, no matter who is paying.

Eminybob · 30/05/2014 22:17

I was a bridesmaid last year and mob came along when we were shopping for dresses. I didn't think anything of it, it was nice to have another opinion. And we had to try on A LOT of dressed to find something which suited both me (busty size 16) and the other bridesmaid (boyish size 6) so we needed all the help we could get!

Eminybob · 30/05/2014 22:19

Just read your last post stack. different scenario to mine, mob didn't want to make the choice, just be there to help. So in your scenario mob is BU

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