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AIBU?

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Original poster

about double barrelling after marriage

38 replies

2boysandcounting1 · 30/05/2014 12:11

I got married almost 7 years ago and at the time i spoke with my husband about not wanting to take his name but rather to double barrell but he was not impressed so stupidly i changed my name. Im an only child and so was my dad. My dad died 3 years ago and it is eating away at me about double barrelling my name while my 2 sons are pre school age (my eldest goes to school September and i wanted to do it before then). I hate the idea that my name has gone. My husband name will carry on regardless due to his brothrs and nephews and its not like im asking him to get rid of his name just add on mine.

I'm aware a name is not that important to some people but it is to me, my husband even said he doesnt see the problem and he is not that bothered about his name. I feel he wants me to do something he is not prepared to do himself.

My husband wont talk about it and last night said to me that he would do it i would be waiting along time. I asked him if we could sort it out before September and he said no. I then said did he mean when (god forbid) his mom is no longer around and he said yes. I said that it was not his moms decision and by then the boys will be to old to do it as i wanted to do it while they are not aware of their last name. I also feel that he is putting his moms feelings above mine. His mom has been divorced from his dad for over 20 years so dont get why she would have a problem anyway!

Sorry, just feel stressed out with it all as im due a third baby in November and dont want to register baby's name just in his surname and want to sort it out but he gets up and walks away when ever i try to talk to him. Advice appreciated.

OP posts:
StarSwirl92 · 30/05/2014 12:22

If he didn't care he wouldn't be so stubborn. my name is important to me too and I expect my partner to understand that. I think he's hoping you will forget.

MaidOfStars · 30/05/2014 12:28

i spoke with my husband about not wanting to take his name but rather to double barrell but he was not impressed

You should have stopped right there (from someone who didn't even consult her husband about not changing her name...) Wink

There's nothing to stop you being double-barreled, is there?

cantbelievethisishppening · 30/05/2014 12:33

Not sure what to advise really. I kept my name after I got married. It was very important to me as my dad died when I was young and we are a family of daughters. Clearly this is important to you so he should be a bit more sensitive to your feelings. This would bug me to.

Original poster
2boysandcounting1 · 30/05/2014 12:34

In hind sight i wouldnt have taken his name. He sees it that i don't want to be married but i told him it's because i dont want my name to die out and as my dad has now gone it feels horrible. I could double barrell my name but i want it for my children to and need his consent for that.

He said he doesn't understand it and finds it weird. I think he is scared of other peoples reaction, mainly his family.

OP posts:
MaidOfStars · 30/05/2014 12:39

Can you do a "soft" name change on this? Change yours and the childrens' to include your maiden name as an extra middle name?

So instead of John Peter Smith-Jones, you could have John Peter Smith Jones. And so on.

CurlyBlueberry · 30/05/2014 12:40

Personally I wouldn't double-barrel because I think you're then taking the easy option for yourself (giving your kids both parents' names) and that choice is then taken away for your children's children, they can't do that without triple- or quadruple-barrelling.

I do think that trying to force your husband to change his own name isn't fair, it's his name, but equally you should have a name you're happy with too.

Original poster
2boysandcounting1 · 30/05/2014 12:45

That is definately worth considering Maidofstars. When i changed it after i got married i don't think i anticipated how strong i would feel when my dad died. It feels like a link to him. Apart from my mom i dont have any other family left with my maiden name. My husband on the other hand is from a big family.

OP posts:
Youdontneedacriminallawyer · 30/05/2014 12:45

You could just start using your maiden name-married name as a combo on everything you do without having a formal name change. So, eg, your passport would have your married name, but from day to day you can be John Peter Smith-Jones.

I use my married name in work, as it's much more unusual than my maiden name, and I'm the only one, but on FB and in lots of other places I am John Smith-Jones.

I share your feelings about the family name dieing out. Both my father and his brother had two girls, so the name stops with us. My father was philosphical about it though, and pointed out that there will be lots of other branches of the family that we may not even know about where the name will carry on.

Interestingly, only two of the four girl cousins have had children (all girls), and we both gave our first born our (same) maiden name as a middle name.

MooMaid · 30/05/2014 12:47

I double barrelled and we're unsuccessfully currently TTC.

This is a conversation we're going to have but I know my DH doesn't want to take my name (as double barrelled) or for our children to have a joint name.

I maintain it's like this (as my name was important to me too).

Getting married is a merger, not a takeover, therefore I want to merge our names, not have him take-over everything. I don't love him any less but my name is important to me and I want us to have "our" name, not just his name, and the same will go for any DC's we have.

Whether or not he'll agree to this is doubtful but at some point we're going to have the talk again

There's no easy answer as he won't do anything he doesn't want to do but try to rationally explain why you want to do this, and hope he can see its important to you too.

As for taking the easy option as future children cannot double-barrell - who says they're even going to want to. They can choose any name they want, all of it or part of it. I'm afraid it wouldn't stop me doing what I want now, as I don't know what they'll want to do in the future!! They may be sick of a long name and choose to drop some of it but at least that is their choice and they'll be old enough to make the decision

Original poster
2boysandcounting1 · 30/05/2014 12:49

Curlyblueberry, i understand what you mean regarding children with double barrelled names but it would be their choice then if they wanted to drop a name upon marriage or stick with double barrelled. Also i'm not asking my husband to change his name, just myself and children as they are 3 and 22 months so young enough at the moment to do it but i wouldnt want to do it once they were aware of their name.

OP posts:
FryOneFatManic · 30/05/2014 12:49

I would not be with a man who thought he had the final say on what name I use.

MaidOfStars · 30/05/2014 12:51

Personally I wouldn't double-barrel because I think you're then taking the easy option for yourself (giving your kids both parents' names) and that choice is then taken away for your children's children, they can't do that without triple- or quadruple-barrelling

Whyever not?

John Peter Smith-Jones marries Mary Jane Davies-White. I can map at least 18 possible combos available to them (I think....), not counting merges or just the plucking of a new name out of a hat.

Dontwanttobeyourmonkeywench · 30/05/2014 12:54

Both my children have a double-barrelled surname because it was important to me that they had a connection to my roots (I'm not British) but they are known by DH's surname because it's easier to spell. I am also known as DH'S surname but kept mine when we got married. My siblings have no DC and no inclination to get married so it's something that my Ddad finds comforting too.

Wantsunshine · 30/05/2014 13:00

You can start using a double barrelled name anytime. Just start filling in all forms using it. You can change it at the bank with your marriage certificate. When you fill in the school forms do the same for your children. If your DH is that bothered his mum doesn't have to know.

Neverknowingly · 30/05/2014 13:05

I personally think new double barrelled names are naff but that is just IMO.

Clearly it is important to him, whatever he says and in understanding why it is important to you I can't dismiss that it is also important to him. The fact that he has a large family does not mean that he would not want to pass HIS name down to HIS children just as much as you do.

So YANBU to want your name to carry on but I think YABU to dismiss his feelings and similarly HIBU not to discuss it properly and admit that actually it does matter to him.

Mitchy1nge · 30/05/2014 13:07

I thought when couples double barrelled they both did, so they would share a common family name, why would just one person change their name?

MaidOfStars · 30/05/2014 13:09

why would just one person change their name?

Because they want to? Why do you need a common family name in entirety?

Is it not clear that Mr Smith, Mrs Smith-Jones and children Smith-Jones (or Smith or Jones) are a family?

YoungBritishPissArtist · 30/05/2014 13:16

Getting married is a merger, not a takeover You're spot-on, MooMaid.

I'm Hmm at men who think their wives and children will automatically bear their name without question.

Bue · 30/05/2014 13:17

Well this isn't very helpful to you, I know, but I wouldn't have married someone who insisted I change my name to his (and I didn't)!

However, equally you cannot force him to add your name to his! (Which is what it sounds like you want to do?) As others have suggested, why don't you just start using a double barrelled name yourself?

Mitchy1nge · 30/05/2014 13:18

I don't think you do need a common family name, I say you but I mean I don't have one, but always thought double-barrelling was a nice sort of mutual thing that couples did. Haven't known one half of a duo doing it on their own that's all. Was just wondering.

AntinousWild · 30/05/2014 13:23

How do you officially change your surname? I wish I'd never changed mine and am going to change it back or double barrel. DH is supportive in my case. Good job, isn't his choice.

Igggi · 30/05/2014 13:29

Get divorced. Call everyone by your original name for day-to-day purposes.
Seriously I couldn't put up with this attitude. I kept my name, in hindsight I'd have been ok joining our names but just had this suspicion that he would not use the double name in practice.. Kids have my name as middle name.
(Maybe I should get divorced too Blush )

Mitchy1nge · 30/05/2014 13:37

I changed my name when I got married because I'd already had THREE surnames growing up (mildly tumultuous start in life) and it is a lovely name which suits me but my (estranged) husband has subsequently changed his to something mad anyway because he thinks he is much more famous than he actually is

Chippednailvarnish · 30/05/2014 13:51

Your husband sounds a knob. Your name, your choice.

hellsbellsmelons · 30/05/2014 14:03

I'm double-barrelled. My DD is too.
My Ex never took my name though.
I did it for similar reasons.
2 girls with our surname. My DSis can't have kids so it is just me to carry on the family name.
As it turns out my Ex is a complete knob and my DD can't wait to drop his part of her name and just use mine.
So our name will continue, for a little while at least!

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