about double barrelling after marriage

[2boysandcounting1]

I got married almost 7 years ago and at the time i spoke with my husband about not wanting to take his name but rather to double barrell but he was not impressed so stupidly i changed my name. Im an only child and so was my dad. My dad died 3 years ago and it is eating away at me about double barrelling my name while my 2 sons are pre school age (my eldest goes to school September and i wanted to do it before then). I hate the idea that my name has gone. My husband name will carry on regardless due to his brothrs and nephews and its not like im asking him to get rid of his name just add on mine.

I'm aware a name is not that important to some people but it is to me, my husband even said he doesnt see the problem and he is not that bothered about his name. I feel he wants me to do something he is not prepared to do himself.

My husband wont talk about it and last night said to me that he would do it i would be waiting along time. I asked him if we could sort it out before September and he said no. I then said did he mean when (god forbid) his mom is no longer around and he said yes. I said that it was not his moms decision and by then the boys will be to old to do it as i wanted to do it while they are not aware of their last name. I also feel that he is putting his moms feelings above mine. His mom has been divorced from his dad for over 20 years so dont get why she would have a problem anyway!

Sorry, just feel stressed out with it all as im due a third baby in November and dont want to register baby's name just in his surname and want to sort it out but he gets up and walks away when ever i try to talk to him. Advice appreciated.

I have a double barreled name as do my DCâ??s and exh. My name is important to me and there was only me and my sister and I wanted to keep my unusual name. I'm very glad I did 20yrs later. Me and both my DCâ??s now tend to only be known by my maiden name, although obviously use our full name on legal documents.

I love the term used above by the poster who said its a merger not a take over - well said

Or follow the Spanish way:
DH has his surname
I have my surname
DS has two surnames (without hyphen)

We could choose the order of the two surnames, ie mine+DH or DH+mine. We went for what sounded better: DH's (2 syllables) + mine (3).

Disclaimer: there aren't really 'middle' names as such in Spain, so his name isn't overly long!

If DH dictated ehat I could or couldn't do with my own surname, I'm afraid I'd tell him to go blow a goat or fuck off dickface

Whenever I have to explain why I double barrelled and DH didn't, the merger/takeover analogy works perfectly. The person I speak with still might not see the point of why Ifeel so importantly about it but they do understand my point of view

That old saying about a merger not a takeover is true but it doesn't appear very equal if one changes name and not the other, for example only one going double barrelled. OTOH no one can force anyone else to change their name or stop them from doing so, so it's up to each individual. We never really discussed double barelled but I certainly wasn't changing my name if DH didn't. We never really discussed it, I just told him I wasn't changing.

It's the question of DCs surnames that is the tricky one as that's where both parents are entitled to have input. Double barrelled seems sensible in that case.

yeah that's what I don't get

I only know couples who have both done it, obviously, they married one another so it's a sort of symbol of their union I suppose rather than one person merging their identity into their partner while the partner just stays the same?

I'm sorry that your husband is so unwilling to understand your point of view.

I had a (wonderfully unusual) double barrelled name as my maiden name, which I still use for work, but use my husbands surname socially and for legal documents. This suits us brilliantly, but I don't think my husband would have minded if if kept my surname for everything. Our future children will have 'our' surname, so my maiden name won't be carried on through us.

I have three brothers though, so growing up had assumed there would be plenty of opportunity for them to carry on my maiden name. In fact, it probably won't turn out like that, my older brother's wife has kept her surname and their DS has a double barrelled named made up of her surname and one of my brother's. My middle brother and his partner don't want to get married or have children, and my youngest brother's partner is Spanish so they'll be using a combination of names too.

I think my point is that there is no one-size-fits-all solution, but you and your partner are supposed to be a team and I think he's being unreasonable in not compromising. I don't think he should have to change his name, but from what you've said you're not asking him to do that. I don't think double barrelling makes it harder for your kids, if anything it gives them more options.

I hope you can resolve this soon, I'm sure you don't need the extra stress while you're pregnant.

OP, regarding yourself, you can start using any surname you want, whichbis essentially all you did when you took his surname when you got married. Unless you changed your surname by deed poll (which I'm presuming you didn't!), then your 'real' surname remains your maiden one. It's legal in UK law for people to adopt any name they want, within reason, ie Fuckface KillTheQueen wouldn't be allowed, which is all people do if they take their partner's namee upon marriage.

Your H has no say in what surname you use for yourself. As for your DC, you do need to come to some sort of compromise. I am with the other posters who wouldn't touch a man with a bargepole who had even the briefest notion that he had any say over what my name will be upon marriage, BUT that's not helping you right now. It comes down to a fundemental lack of respect for you, and a sexist view of you as some sort of possession of his, however unconsciously buried that might be. You bore those Dc, and I bet you've done far more with and for them than he has, and yet he doesn't want their surname to reflect you? He can get to fuck. You need to keep on at him about this, I totally get where you are coming from.

I never changed my name, and my DS has a double-barrelled name. DH was perhaps even more determined than me that this would be the case, and I'm a mega-feminist with a bee in my bonnet about not changing surnames.

I know two couples where only the woman is double barrelled and don't actually know any where the man has double barrelled. So I don't think it would raise any eyebrows. However in both cases the DCs have only the husband's surname.

I also know a few couples where the parents have kept their own surname and the DCs have double barrelled. There are a lot of options.

I think all you can do is ask your husband how he would feel if he had felt obliged to lose his own surname on marriage and not have it for his children. Get all the paperwork done for your existing DCs so all he has to do is sign it (I don't know what is involved, but if he's anything like mine he would just never get round to it).

Im double barrelled as I love my family name. My DDs are not. It doesn't matter really.

OP I think you are both entitled to your opinion on this, but whats worrying is your man's outright stubborness on this...what does it matter to him if you/DCs have double barrelled names? You're not missing out his name at all. It just seems an easily solvable problem even if to keep the peace really, that he is refusing to move an inch on. Despite or because of, knowing how much this means to you. I don't know...I could be wrong...but I have "Red Flag Control Issues Alert" running through my brain. I hope Im wrong. But the addition/taking on board of his (what da hell does it have to do with her?) mummy's opinion doeesn't bode well...

I second the suggestion of adding your surname as a middle name. Have done it with myself by deed poll and both children when registering them. Then they can use it as they wish. Personally I'm not a fan of a double barrelled name but that's my opinion. Each to their own and all that!
:-)

Thankyou for all your repllies, sorry only just caught up with the thread as been out all afternoon. I said to my husband that its not like i'm asking him to get rid of his name, just add on my birth name. Also to add that it would be nice if he double barrelled his name but its up to him and not a problem if he doesn't want to (although annoying that he is not prepared to do it when he expects me to take his) but i would still want to double barrell it for myself and boys. Do you have to pay to double barrell your name? Also how do i use it at a bank for example if i don't have any document that it is my name?

I think your marriage certificate could be shown to the bank - after all there is no document that "proves" your name is Mrs DHname, the marriage certificate doesn't do that either, just shows the name you both have. I suppose the problem here is that you have more leverage earlier in the relationship, after you've already changed your name and named your first dcs it is harder !

I think people should be called whatever they want, but I really don't get this bollocks so many people seem to spout about "carrying on the family name". Your family name, unless it is also double barrelled, is usually your father's surname. Your mother's surname, for the majority of people, has already "died out" of your particular branch of the family. That's what has to happen, otherwise you would end up with a ridiculous number of names.

I didn't particularly want to change my name on marriage, because I preferred my maiden name to my husband's. However it was important to both of us to have the same name, and to have the same name as our children, so I changed it. I occasionally miss my maiden name, but I don't give a toss about carrying on the name. Unless your surname is unique (very unlikely!) then it will still exist somewhere else in the country.