About nursery feeding DS? (sorry, rather long)

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I genuinely would like to know if I'm being unreasonable because I'm not sure, but please do be gentle with me as it is my first AIBU about my PFB DS.

DS is 9 months old and has been going to nursery one day a week since he was 5.5 months. Over the last few weeks this has increased to 4 days. When we went to look round the nursery we discussed various things with them including our intentions re: weaning. We told them that we didn't plan to do purees and didn't intend to spoon feed DS. We planned to let him eat most things with his hands but for other foods, such as weetabix/porridge etc, we would load a spoon for him and then pass it to him to feed himself. Basically a BLW approach (although I know many Mnetters hate this phrase.)

The owner was supportive of this approach and said that they encouraged babies to feed themselves.

This way of feeding DS has worked fantastically well for him. I'm sure it is pot luck but he has absolutely loved food since day 1. He has been able to feed himself with a loaded spoon since pretty much day 1 of weaning (I think possibly because I used to sit him at a high chair and give him a spoon to play with, before he was actually weaning). He really has taken to food like a duck to water although knowing my luck he will become the fussiest toddler known to man

When he was first weaning, one of the nursery staff told me that they had actually mushed up some of his food for him - it was a piece of meat and she was anxious about him choking. I said this was no problem and I completely understood that they were unable to give him the one to one care that I gave him to ensure he didn't choke.

Anyway, since DS has been going to nursery more days during the week, I have noticed when he is at home and I am passing him a loaded spoon, he is opening his mouth as if to have the food put into it. I don't do this but insist he takes the spoon off me, because I know he is more than capable of doing it. He is quite happy to. Because of this I have wondered if he is being spoon fed into his mouth at nursery.

Today I dropped DS off at nursery and was stood outside the baby room talking to someone. I happened to look back in and could see DS being give breakfast. As I suspected he is being spoon fed into his mouth rather than being handed the spoon. I didn't say anything at the time as I wanted to think things through.

I feel a bit annoyed and upset that this is happening. It's not so much the actual feeding part of it but the fact that they have lied to me about it. I've had numerous chats with the staff at the nursery where DS's feeding habits have come up in conversation, just general chat on picking up about DS and how much he loves his food etc; they definitely know what approach we have taken to feeding DS and have suggested that they are following this method.

If they had come to me and said that they couldn't follow our approaching to feeding DS for x, y and z reasons then I would have understood and accepted that. The nursery staff are great with DS and since he has been going more regularly has grown quite attached to some of them. I sometimes watch him for a couple of minutes when picking him up and he is very happy with them and loves going to them for a cuddle. I've been really happy with them up until this point.

I think I am most bothered because it feels as if they have broken my trust. I also wonder how DS is supposed to make progress in terms of feeding himself if the adults caring for him are actually hindering that. When he was with me all week, bar the one day, he was feeding himself but now he is being spoon fed most of the week.

So, AIBU about this, I really don't know. Am I being too PFB about something which, in the grand scheme of things, doesn't really matter. Or am I right to be upset that they have lied to me? DS is my PFB and I've already been feeling bad that he is now in nursery most of the week and quite possibly soon to be full time (I'm self employed) and that I have little control over his eating habits now, so I don't know whether that is affecting my judgement or not.

I wouldn't be happy. I would ask them why.

a bit u i mean you can't expect all the staff to remember everyones particular way of feeding children unless you're planning on putting a t-shirt with instructions on expect staff to default to fastest way ie spoon feeding the baby its just going to be faster

at the end of the day there is more to life than how you are fed as long as they are feeding the baby does it really matter?

Personally I wouldn't be happy about the lying, and I would mention that. The actual spoon feeding would be much less important to me than a nursery where he felt safe and secure and had bonded with the staff, so I would let that go but it might be different for you.

To put your mind at rest a bit, spoon fed babies do learn to use cutlery. All of the non-BLW babies I know were using cutlery part way through their second year. Just because they are spoon-feeding a 9 month old, doesn't mean that will always be their approach. They may change their approach as he gets older.

The nursery should be accomodating your wishes

The potential to override the baby's satiation cues in the name of speed and ease for staff is worrying

you can't expect all the staff to remember everyones particular way of feeding children

I worked in Nurseries and, err, yes you can.

Sorry I think YABU. If the staff have to do BLW with every child it would take hours and make a huge mess. I did (a very relaxed form of) BLW with DS, but never even considered asking his daycare how they fed him. As far as I'm concerned, when he is with them, as long as he is being cared for then it's up to them to manage their routines and workloads. If you have extremely specific requirements then you need to hire a private nanny or au pair to work for you.

I'd mention to the owner that you noticed him being fed by a staff member, ask if it's a regular occurrence.

If you and ds are happy there otherwise, what will you do if she says he isn't feeding himself?

Are there a lot of babies in his room?

He might just be going through a phase. One of my twins has had regular phases of wanting me to feed her, despite them both having been BLW.

In the end, I don't think it really matters, sometimes you do just have to spoon feed them to get the job done quicker (especially wi th twins, I imagine it's the same in the nursery environment) and I don't think it has the slightest impact on their weaning journey overall.

But the lying isn't great, so probably best to confront them about it.

midnite I thought BLW would be much easier and quicker than spoon feeding in a nursery environment. When I drop DD off at breakfast time at her nursery, the toddlers are handed their cereal and spoon and get on with it. The babies have to wait while most of the staff are signing children in, listening to parents as they hand their child over, cuddling the odd upset child, pouring the cereal and milk etc. It usually ends up with one staff member trying to spoon feed all the babies in turn, so takes a while!

I did BLW and imagine is less labour instensive than spoon feeding!!

deakymum I'm sure there are lots of things which could be done easier or quicker in certain ways but it doesn't mean that the staff should always just take that route. It would be easier (and certainly less messy) not to do painting with the babies, but they still do it. No, I don't expect a nursery to always just default to the quickest way of doing something.

I don't think it is unreasonable to expect them to remember everyone's way of feeding......it is after all part of their job. The fact is that they do know how I want DS to be fed, it's not a case that they've forgotten, as they have led me to believe that they are doing as I asked.

Deepthought that was our reason for going down the BLW route. Both my DH and I have a tendency to overeat and are overweight, not massively so but enough, and I wanted DS to be more actively involved in his eating than just opening his mouth, so that he would be more likely to stop when he was full.

StillSaying No there aren't a lot of babies in his room. I think if they tell me they have been feeding him, then I will still keep taking him there and see how I feel, as he is happy and settled there.

Feesh If it was DS who was being a bit lazy and wanted spoonfeeding, no problem, but they could have told me. At pickup, they tell each parent lots about their child's day and could easily have mentioned this.

I think it is the lying which is bothering me the most, rather than the method of feeding. I just feel a bit let down. I felt I could trust them 100% to look after my DS and now, well, not as much much. If they had spoken to me about it and said that they were having problems, and weren't able to do it the way I'd asked, I wouldn't have minded, I'm really not actually that PFB.

I think that if you use childcare you have to accept that you do not and never will have full control of what happens. I do think they should not have lied...but you can't exercise that amount of control in any busy nursery. Your demands will sometimes take a back seat.

It's not great that they've lied, but I do think you're being a bit precious about the spoon-feeding versus BLW issue. Your child won't become obese because someone else feeds him sometimes. It'll only be a few more months before your child will be self feeding all the time.

that was our reason for going down the BLW route. Both my DH and I have a tendency to overeat and are overweight, not massively so but enough, and I wanted DS to be more actively involved in his eating than just opening his mouth, so that he would be more likely to stop when he was full.

Really? I have no issue if parents want to use BLW, but when my DC were small, aeons ago, a mixture of feeding purees and finger foods was the norm.
My DCs were very clear when they were full - turned their heads away and refused to open their mouths. Couldn't have given them more however much I may have wanted to.

But if the nursery are ignoring your wishes, then yes, you must speak to them.

Like MrsWinnebago says, You have to understand that some things are out of your control when you hand your child over to be cared for by someone else. Keep him at home if you need this level of control over him.

Also, what are your reasons for being so unbending about the way he is fed?

What MrsWinnebago said. Sounds like the little guy prefers being fed.

I think you are probably being a little bit PFB about the spoon-feeding thing, and since DD has been in nursery (since 6 mo, now 3.3), there have been things that I have felt were Very Important (e.g. the length of time she slept for at each sleep, exactly what she had eaten when, etc.) that I have had to learn to 'let go' of a little bit, as I realise they're not always practical in a nursery environment and the important stuff (caring, playing, affection, etc.) has always been spot on. It's also worth thinking about the likelihood of every detail of your conversation with the owner being passed to and remembered verbatim by every single person who might ever come into contact with your son. That might not be realistic in my experience, even where intentions are very good.

With the not telling you, I think they perhaps could have, but maybe they didn't see it as that big a deal, and never thought to mention it.

If it were me, I would mention it at drop off/pick up one day, but not in a 'I don't want you to do this' or in a 'why didn't you tell me' type of way, I would probably say something along the lines of 'I noticed he was being spoon-fed the other morning, is the self-feeding not working out so well here...no? Oh right, OK, we'd really like to persevere so if you can just keep trying and keep me updated that would be great. That way I will I know how to proceed at home'.

That way you have helped them to understand what you want them to do, that you do think it's important, and that you'd like to be kept informed.

Just my thoughts.

D

YAB a teeny bit pfb - and I type as someone who loved BLW and completely agree with the reasoning for using it. However, your dc is still at home with you for 3 days and even (I'm guessing) has a meal or at least snacks with you on the other 4 days. Looking at that ratio, I don't think how they feed him at nursery will be a massive setback.

Saying that, you are obviously unhappy and feel they've broken your trust so I think you do have to speak to them. Have a think about what you want to achieve.

If your ds loves the nursery and the staff then you need to see any conversation as an attempt to rebuild trust because ultimately you don't want to move him to a different nursery. I'd suggest mentioning that you saw him being spoonfed and ask in a lighthearted manner why eg is he being lazy? is it because cleaning up after more than one child would eat into their other scheduled activities? Be open to whatever they say.

I'd not trust a nursery to do as you wish. Now that DS is older, I'm very cynical about just what nursery was doing with him for the 4 years that he went and just what I was paying £45 a day for!

I would suggest using a childminder.

UrigGeller I'm his parent and he is only 9 months old, I don't expect to have any more 'control' over him than any other parent expects to have over theirs at the same age. I've been quite happily sending him off to nursery one day a week since he was 5 months, when it wasn't for work purposes, so please don't suggest that I'm some sort of control freak. His eating has been the only think I have ever requested be done in a particular way. I don't need to keep him at home, I just need the nursery to be honest with me if they can no longer meet my wishes.

If you actually read my posts above properly you will see that a) I didn't want DS to be spoon fed because I wanted him to have more active control over how much he ate, than simply opening his mouth. b) I have NOT been unbending - when they told me they had concerns about letting him eat pieces of meat with his hands, because they were scared he would choke, and had therefore been mushing it up for him, I said no problem whatsoever as I understood they couldn't give him one to one attention to keep him safe.

I also said up thread that if they had told me they could no longer accommodate my wishes, I wouldn't have minded. It is the deceit which I have an issue with and feel rather let down by.

You may be happy for your child's nursery not to be honest to with you about part of his care, but I am not.

The thing is OP, I really don't think it is deceit, I doubt very much that anyone has thought 'I know this parent wants this but I'm going to do something else and not tell them', much less that more than one member of staff would have discussed and agreed to go against your wishes.

It's really not likely to be deceit, it's far more likely to be an oversight, information not being passed along, etc. that they might consider a small one and that clearly you don't.

So of course it's fine to gently bring it to their attention and remind them of your preferences, but I think using words like lying and deceit are turning this into something that it isn't.

I think you should talk to them, but only to clear up what is hopefully just a misunderstanding and not outright ignoring your wishes.

I had a similar experience. My DD went to nursery at 12months. I'd gone down the BLW route and found it really rewarding and it suited DD. I was never specific with the nursery about not spoon feeding her as it actually didn't occur to me- she was eating so well etc I'd forgotten there was any other way!

I spotted her being spoon fed one day and it was a bit startling... In my eyes she was way beyond it and it was a backwards step.

But in all honesty this was one little thing compared to the million other things I liked about the nursery so I let it go. I did wonder if it would change her habits but it didn't and in fact as other similar different approaches have arisen between us and nursery I've put it down to a learning experience for DD that not everything in the world is the same as at home.

Thanks to the more recent posters for some helpful advice. I agree that rebuilding the trust is what's important. He is happy at the nursery and they seem genuinely fond of him, and he of them, and they get excited by the milestones he reaches, so I won't be taking him out of it.

Deliaskis since he started nursery, I've not been at all bothered about any of the things you mention, such as naps etc, as I know it is a completely different environment to being at home.

Delia fair point about the information perhaps not being passed on but I have had conversations about it with the staff who look after him on a day to day basis. I will speak to them about it but will be tactful and look at maintaining what has, up until now, been a very good relationship.

SheilaTheGreat, that's it, it just feels like a backward step.

Lying is the issue for me.

After 5 months of being told my DD was fine at playschool the manager then told me there was a problem. I was devastated to think my DD had been unhappy for all those months.