About nursery feeding DS? (sorry, rather long)

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I genuinely would like to know if I'm being unreasonable because I'm not sure, but please do be gentle with me as it is my first AIBU about my PFB DS.

DS is 9 months old and has been going to nursery one day a week since he was 5.5 months. Over the last few weeks this has increased to 4 days. When we went to look round the nursery we discussed various things with them including our intentions re: weaning. We told them that we didn't plan to do purees and didn't intend to spoon feed DS. We planned to let him eat most things with his hands but for other foods, such as weetabix/porridge etc, we would load a spoon for him and then pass it to him to feed himself. Basically a BLW approach (although I know many Mnetters hate this phrase.)

The owner was supportive of this approach and said that they encouraged babies to feed themselves.

This way of feeding DS has worked fantastically well for him. I'm sure it is pot luck but he has absolutely loved food since day 1. He has been able to feed himself with a loaded spoon since pretty much day 1 of weaning (I think possibly because I used to sit him at a high chair and give him a spoon to play with, before he was actually weaning). He really has taken to food like a duck to water although knowing my luck he will become the fussiest toddler known to man

When he was first weaning, one of the nursery staff told me that they had actually mushed up some of his food for him - it was a piece of meat and she was anxious about him choking. I said this was no problem and I completely understood that they were unable to give him the one to one care that I gave him to ensure he didn't choke.

Anyway, since DS has been going to nursery more days during the week, I have noticed when he is at home and I am passing him a loaded spoon, he is opening his mouth as if to have the food put into it. I don't do this but insist he takes the spoon off me, because I know he is more than capable of doing it. He is quite happy to. Because of this I have wondered if he is being spoon fed into his mouth at nursery.

Today I dropped DS off at nursery and was stood outside the baby room talking to someone. I happened to look back in and could see DS being give breakfast. As I suspected he is being spoon fed into his mouth rather than being handed the spoon. I didn't say anything at the time as I wanted to think things through.

I feel a bit annoyed and upset that this is happening. It's not so much the actual feeding part of it but the fact that they have lied to me about it. I've had numerous chats with the staff at the nursery where DS's feeding habits have come up in conversation, just general chat on picking up about DS and how much he loves his food etc; they definitely know what approach we have taken to feeding DS and have suggested that they are following this method.

If they had come to me and said that they couldn't follow our approaching to feeding DS for x, y and z reasons then I would have understood and accepted that. The nursery staff are great with DS and since he has been going more regularly has grown quite attached to some of them. I sometimes watch him for a couple of minutes when picking him up and he is very happy with them and loves going to them for a cuddle. I've been really happy with them up until this point.

I think I am most bothered because it feels as if they have broken my trust. I also wonder how DS is supposed to make progress in terms of feeding himself if the adults caring for him are actually hindering that. When he was with me all week, bar the one day, he was feeding himself but now he is being spoon fed most of the week.

So, AIBU about this, I really don't know. Am I being too PFB about something which, in the grand scheme of things, doesn't really matter. Or am I right to be upset that they have lied to me? DS is my PFB and I've already been feeling bad that he is now in nursery most of the week and quite possibly soon to be full time (I'm self employed) and that I have little control over his eating habits now, so I don't know whether that is affecting my judgement or not.

Talk to the nursery. Perhaps you need to reiterates your request for this type of feeding.
IMO in the grand scheme of things does it really matter who is holding the spoon? Yes, you have chosen a particular way of doing something but really? The objective is for him to get enough food. Does it matter how the food gets into his mouth?

The not telling you the truth isn't great at all, and I wouldn't be happy about it.

However some babies do prefer to be spoon-fed rather than feeding themselves, especially when they get to the age where the really start liking food and maybe work out that someone spoon-feeding them is a quicker way of getting all the food they want than doing it themselves.

It's like anything to do with babies - routines, slings, all that jazz - your baby will have their own preference and you can't impose too much on them. DD decided at about 8 months that she wanted to be spoon-fed. She worked out from the odd thing like yoghurt that we did spoon feed her (not enough coordination for handing her a pre-loaded spoon) that it was quicker and easier for us to spoon feed her everything.

I would talk it through with the nursery as there is a communication issue here - but there is a chance that your DS has decided that blw is not the way he wants to go?

cantbelieve - the objective is to get enough food into him, but not too much. I believe that a child is less likely to over eat if they feed themselves than if spoon fed. Whether anyone else agrees with that is irrelevant. I am not suggesting ways anyone else's child should be fed, just my own.

I know of some nurseries who will not accommodate BLW, that's fine, it's up to them and the parents who send their child there. But when I chose a nursery who agreed with how I was planning to feed DS and actually said they encouraged children to eat in this way, I think I'm allowed to feel a little let down. By the way, that wasn't my sole reason for choosing the nursery, far from it.

I worked in nurseries and we always took the parents wishes into account, in fact it was a damn sight easier if the parents wanted the child to feed themselves! It's the job of nursery staff to help the child develop the skills and confidence to be independent, feeding themselves is one tiny aspect of this and I would question whether the staff are doing things (not just food related) to make their own jobs easier rather than helping them develop life skills in all honesty .
Mention that you saw him being sponges and reiterate you would like him to be encouraged to feed himself. It's not PFB or precious at all.

Sponges?? Spoonfed!!

Thanks IceGiants. Would you suggest I just mention it to one of the members of staff who looks after him most often or with the manager?

I see your point about being lied to, but please do not believe that bloody book think that a spoon-fed child a) can't learn to feed themselves in the fullness of time (DD very firmly removed the spoon from my hand when she'd just turned one, and has, more or less, fed herself ever since) and b) will be overfed/not learn to recognise when she's full - again with DD it was not hard to see she has a small appetite and wasn't interested in food.

Talk to them about it for sure but it really isn't the huge problem you think it is. I think I'm right in thinking that the Gill Rapley book (if that's where you're getting your info from) has absolutely no basis in scientific fact.

I think the nursery staff are probably not 'lying' to you as such, more likely just a lack of communication/ understanding. The staff in my son's nursery are mostly all quite young and unlikely to be mums themselves. While they are certainly trained for their job, I would think it's possible many would not have heard of BLW or understand exactly what it entails and the reasoning behind it. Unless you have spoken to every member of staff directly (or asked the manager to do so) and clearly said 'you put the food on DS's spoon and hand the spoon to him, etc' they probably aren't clear on what you are expecting. Or don't understand quite how serious it is to you!

IMO, this is probably something to just take a step back from and let it go. Nursery staff definitely want to encourage independence at meal times and a in few short months DS will certainly be feeding himself at nursery anyway. They don't want to be spoon feeding if a child can do it themselves, and if your DS sees all the children around him using cutlery he will quickly become adept too. This is just a very short phase in the many years of parenting that is unlikely to affect your son 6 months from now.

I think yabu. If you are doing blw and they give him the odd spoon of food then bu the of food then by the time he is 18 months or so he will be perfectly good at feeding himself anyway. If he is happy either way and eating well then what's the problem, they won't overfeed him.

I understand about the lying making you unhappy - and would definitely take it up with them

But - you are worrying way too much about blw and I say that as someone who is a big fan of it - I just really really dislike the Gil rapley approach of seeing spoon feeding as evil

As long as your son is given the chance to feed himself he will be fine - I spoon fed my son sometimes and sometimes left him to get on with it - he is a great eater now - as someone above said my son took the spoon himself and started using it with no input from me

This really isn't a big deal your child's relationship with food won't be affected and you should relax about it - in a few months it will be irrelevant anyway because he will eat himself

But as they agreed to do it I think you should mention it