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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or DH regarding this friend in frequent need?

52 replies

lessonsintightropes · 30/05/2014 00:06

DH and I have a friend who I'll call Dave. We met him when all three of us worked at the same place, when DH and I had started dating.

Two years ago, Dave was dumped by his wife due to his frequent cheating (she was a good friend of both of ours as well). She moved overseas with work and as Dave was such a good friend and having a bad time we helped out - he came to stay with us twice, once for a couple of months, once for four months. His mental health can be pretty poor which I think was a contributing factor in the reasons behind his marriage breakdown.

However when he was staying with us, he and DH used to sit up drinking and watching films til all hours, ruining our weekends. He left various bits at our house and sometimes wouldn't sleep in the spare room but on the sofa and tbh his feet stank, making the living room unusable as his stuff was scattered all over it.

We helped him get on his feet - I even vouched for him to get a job at a company I was doing some contracting with, which he was then sacked for having committed a criminal offence.

I feel like we've helped Dave enough and over the last few months with some real stresses in our own lives, have distanced myself from him. DH still sees him for a manly beer.

Have just had a whopper of a row with DH because he's texted asking to stay over tomorrow night. Neither DH nor I know the circumstances but what I do know is that we have plans for Saturday seeing my family and I just can't deal with Dave's shit at the moment. DH thinks I am being massively selfish and unreasonable. Who is BU?

OP posts:
crazydashboard · 30/05/2014 00:08

YANBU

BakerStreetSaxRift · 30/05/2014 00:22

Hmmm, of it was an ordinary genuine friend in need, I'd say YABU.

Given how much you have helped him previously, and that he is a shady criminal, I'd say I'm with you. I think the friend sees you as a soft touch.

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 30/05/2014 00:23

Yes I'd be inclined to explain to the dh that he's taking the piss now. Good luck.

bochead · 30/05/2014 00:35

If you have him yet again, you aren't helping him but enabling his dysfunction.

I'd find the work thing utterly unforgivable if I'd stuck my own rep on the line to help a friend.

Stick to your guns.

EverythingCounts · 30/05/2014 00:37

YANBU. You've done more than enough. Tell husband he can go and move in with Dave if he's so keen.

BOFster · 30/05/2014 00:41

Ah, so many of us have a Dave in our lives Grin. YANBU. Dave will find somewhere else to crash- they always do.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 30/05/2014 00:55

He can't stay overnight tomorrow as you've got plans. I daresay one night will lead to another stint of several months yet again. If your DH is so keen to spend time with Dave perhaps he'd like to rent a flat with him and leave you in peace?

To be honest, after he betrayed both you and the employer I'd have cut him out like a cancer. If your DH can't see this he needs a good kicking.

WaywardOn3 · 30/05/2014 04:17

There's a song that goes along the lines of 'a friend in need is a friend indeed, a friend with weed is better'

Does he have weed? ;-)

You've really helped him enough and it's time he stood on his own two feet.

There's a David near us who's a recovering alcoholic nice enough bl

WaywardOn3 · 30/05/2014 04:18

... Bloke but very time consuming if he manages to catch up with you

saintlyjimjams · 30/05/2014 07:01

YANBU

AElfgifu · 30/05/2014 07:06

YANBU he needs to learn you are not his safety net. it will do him the world of good to hear "sorry, you can't come at that time, we have plans"

winkywinkola · 30/05/2014 07:22

How can you be selfish? You've helped him so much already.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 30/05/2014 07:23

YANBU, there's only so much you can do. Will one night turn into what? Weeks, months again?

Your family life is important too.

flippinada · 30/05/2014 07:36

Yanbu at all.

I've dealt with People like Dave before. They are takers and will take from you until you have nothing left to give.

If he does have mental health issues that's sad but not your responsibility.

LIZS · 30/05/2014 07:40

yanbu , you already have plans and have helped him before but he has not helped himself. Tell your dh you cannot have him in the house again but eh can meet him elsewhere if he so chooses. There will be others he can doss with.

pumpkinsweetie · 30/05/2014 07:43

Yanbu, you have let your marriage take a back seat for long enough. It's time to put you & your dh first and stop giving this guy so much of your life.

You have tried all you can to help him and unfortunately he cannot be helped. Maybe he needs a kick up the bum to give him the get up & go to move on.
Basically he needs to help himself, you have tried long enough.

Misfitless · 30/05/2014 07:54

Your DH in BU, definitely not you.

DH needs to support you, not Dave, on this one.

If you don't mind doing it, if I were you, I'd phone Dave myself, either with or without DH's knowledge, and tell him firmly that due to pre-arranged plans, he is unable to stay.

That way you get in there before DH does (who might say Dave can stay.)

Sorry that you and DH have had massive row about this. If that's where being genuinely lovely/helpful/supportive/ selfless gets the pair of you, I bet you're wishing you hadn't bothered.

You could perhaps mention during said phone conversation, that the text has resulted in a massive row between you and DH, and you'd prefer it if Dave didn't ask to stay over again, but that might be shit advice, not sure!

I wouldn't be apologetic during the phone call. Saying "Sorry Dave, unfortunately you can't stay as we have plans," might be interpreted by Dave as "If only we hadn't made plans, then of course you'd be most welcome to stay!"

Sounds like Dave's ex OH had a lucky escape!

MaryWestmacott · 30/05/2014 07:54

Compromise that DH goes over to see Dave tomorrow night or tonight to check he's ok? It doesn't suit you to have Dave visit, does your DH feel obliged to look after Dave? Does Dave have any family or other friends he could turn to?

Fairylea · 30/05/2014 07:59

Maybe it's just me but I find it incredibly rude of someone to ask to stay over. Surely it's polite to wait for an invite?? Even if they're having a rough time it's common etiquette to talk about the problems in the hope that the other person might extend an invitation. No one should just invite themselves.

On that basis and with the history your dh is being massively unreasonable, as is Dave.

Reminds me of You, Me and Dupree. The film.

Clutterbugsmum · 30/05/2014 08:10

Sounds like you got the wrong 'friend'. You should have stayed friends with ex wife and left Dave to get on with his own life.

You have done your turn helping Dave get back on his feet it never going to work because he doesn't want it or need it to work.

He stayed with you twice and not done what you have ask. It probably won't wouldn't be such an issue if he just stayed rather then invaded your home.

If dh insist that Dave stay make them both aware that you will still be going out to your parents on Saturday as arranged so Dave will be up and gone by 9.30am, and your dh will be going to your parent no matter how hungover he feels.

SanityClause · 30/05/2014 08:12

YANBU, obviously.

Perhaps your DH can find another way of helping Dave that doesn't involve him staying at your house.

Oh, and mention to DH that you think he is being massively selfish and unreasonable for expecting you to have Dave to stay, when you already have a lot on your plate.

pictish · 30/05/2014 08:25

Why does he want to stay over? Is there a particular reason for the overnighter?

Hissy · 30/05/2014 08:51

Yanbu, you can call time.

Personally i'd not pick up the pieces for someone who cheated on their wife.

He's a drain. He doesn't have that lightbulb the rest of us have that goes off when we reach PITA territory.

Time to tell him that friends is ok, but he has to sort out his own issues and stand on his own 2 feet.

expatinscotland · 30/05/2014 08:59

Put your foot down. You have plans.

wtffgs · 30/05/2014 09:04

YANBU!