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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or DH regarding this friend in frequent need?

52 replies

lessonsintightropes · 30/05/2014 00:06

DH and I have a friend who I'll call Dave. We met him when all three of us worked at the same place, when DH and I had started dating.

Two years ago, Dave was dumped by his wife due to his frequent cheating (she was a good friend of both of ours as well). She moved overseas with work and as Dave was such a good friend and having a bad time we helped out - he came to stay with us twice, once for a couple of months, once for four months. His mental health can be pretty poor which I think was a contributing factor in the reasons behind his marriage breakdown.

However when he was staying with us, he and DH used to sit up drinking and watching films til all hours, ruining our weekends. He left various bits at our house and sometimes wouldn't sleep in the spare room but on the sofa and tbh his feet stank, making the living room unusable as his stuff was scattered all over it.

We helped him get on his feet - I even vouched for him to get a job at a company I was doing some contracting with, which he was then sacked for having committed a criminal offence.

I feel like we've helped Dave enough and over the last few months with some real stresses in our own lives, have distanced myself from him. DH still sees him for a manly beer.

Have just had a whopper of a row with DH because he's texted asking to stay over tomorrow night. Neither DH nor I know the circumstances but what I do know is that we have plans for Saturday seeing my family and I just can't deal with Dave's shit at the moment. DH thinks I am being massively selfish and unreasonable. Who is BU?

OP posts:
Vintagecakeisstillnice · 30/05/2014 09:09

So basically hes a cheating liar who has taken the piss out of your Friend (his ex,) your hospitality, and affected your professional reputation. . .

Anything else?

Why havent you changed your number?

Your DH is being very unreasonable, to let him back in the door even if you didnt have plans, though I suspect he didnt pick up any of the extra work caused by a long term house guest and just saw a live in drinking buddy.

Id also be inclined to point out to your DH that Daves selfishness has had a big factor in where he is now, does he really want to act as badly?

pictish · 30/05/2014 09:10

It's one night folks, and he's the dh's friend.
I understand the Op would not want him staying for an extended visit ever again...I wouldn't either....but seeing at it's one night, it might be pertinent to know why he wants to come on that specific date, before lowering the portcullis.

If it's just to 'hang out' then it's a no, because OP and her dh already have plans in place, but if he needs a place to sleep because of another reason, then why not?

expatinscotland · 30/05/2014 09:14

Because when he comes over the OP's husband stays up all hours getting pissed and that fucks up plans for the next day.

pictish · 30/05/2014 09:21

Again...as a one off I'm not really seeing the biggy...and besides that's the dh's call. If he chooses to let his family down than he is answerable. I don't see why the friend gets the blame and the cold shoulder.

expatinscotland · 30/05/2014 09:33

It's the OP's home, too, that the friend wants to stay in, uninvited. He has form for pisstaking and gave no details about when he is LEAVING.

The DH can meet him for a beer, but it's enitrely reasonable to not want an invited overnight guest when you have plans the following day.

eddielizzard · 30/05/2014 09:37

yanbu

he can fuck off.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 30/05/2014 09:58

I would agree to him staying on the following conditions:-

  1. He sleeps in the spare room
  2. He is up and gone by 9:30 (or whenever) the following morning
  3. Your dh is up, showered and ready to go to your family by 10am on Sat am no matter how hungover he is
  4. Your dh does all the clean up of the spare room, lounge etc before he goes to bed on Sat night to a standard that you are happy with.

Any breaking of these terms and Dave is never invited again.

CerealMom · 30/05/2014 10:22

The 'friend' is a piss taker.

No is a complete sentence (for DH and the friend).

EndoplasmicReticulum · 30/05/2014 10:27

It won't be one night though, will it.

It will be the first night of many until you lose it with him and chuck him out. Meanwhile he'll have cluttered up your front room and made it smell, eaten all your food, made a mess and just generally pissed you off for weeks.

Speaking from experience, but our "Dave" was when we were younger, I wouldn't stand for it now.

BuggersMuddle · 30/05/2014 23:30

We have an 'inform' agreement about arranged visitors (to ensure all dressed and because DP would invite a mate into a shit tip whereas I would not - because of where we live a random on the door is unlikely) and 'agree' about any sleepover.

The previous might be peculiar to us, but I can't imagine a house where I pay the mortgage and am confronted with a random evening or morning. YANBU.

Original poster
lessonsintightropes · 31/05/2014 02:05

He's been sacked, again, and wants to crash at ours again, for an indeterminate period, again. Turned up to the pub with a binbag full of stuff. Another friend has offered a one night solution - can't do it again.

OP posts:
PrincessBabyCat · 31/05/2014 02:24

Because when he comes over the OP's husband stays up all hours getting pissed and that fucks up plans for the next day.

That's not Dave's fault. DH is a grown man who can make his own choices.

That said, I still wouldn't let him stay over.

You've helped him out with a very reasonable amount. Instead of working to get on his own two feet, he's blowing it. There's a fine line between needing a leg up, and taking advantage of someone. He didn't even respect you enough to stay in the guest room.

Our friend needed a place to stay for only a week and he helped out around the house and made sure that he wasn't encroaching on our space. We didn't mind him staying, and he didn't take advantage. My brother needed a place to stay for a bit too and he didn't take advantage either but we kicked him out because we wanted our place back.

I have no problem helping a friend in need. But I'm not my brother's keeper either.

wobblyweebles · 31/05/2014 02:31

Dave can get a room at the YMCA.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 31/05/2014 06:52

It's about time Dave took some responsibility for his own problems.

MaryWestmacott · 31/05/2014 08:07

You've done your share for him, it will be months, and it will only be a temporary solution to Dave's problems, because he'll do it again. Good thing you said no. Stick to it.

AElfgifu · 31/05/2014 08:12

Where is he now? not at yours I hope.

diddl · 31/05/2014 08:17

I wouldn't entertain a habitual cheat tbh.

I do think that your husband is as much to blame though.

Maybe you need to tell him that it's you or Dave.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 31/05/2014 08:52

I think YANBU to say no to Dave. I'd be pissed off at DH making weekend plans at short notice without consulting me first unless there was an emergency.

Itsfab · 31/05/2014 09:11

His MH might have been a contributory factor but surely the cheating was a huge part?!

However, YANBU and if your DH has said yes without checking with you first then I would tell both of them to sleep elsewhere tonight. Of course, given you have plans your DH should have straight away said no. Would he have said yes if the plans were with his family?

Ah, sacked again. No. It is time he grew up.

pictish · 31/05/2014 09:13

Well in that case it's a no.

Trills · 31/05/2014 09:20

YANBU

He's not just unfortunate and down on his luck - he got sacked for criminal activity. That means that he's not grateful for your help or trying to make the best of things.

expatinscotland · 31/05/2014 10:16

No fucking way he'd be at mine for even one night. DH would be well aware, too.

He's a serial fuck up.

chipshop · 31/05/2014 11:33

DP has a couple of these so I sympathise.

One is an alcoholic but won't admit it. Turns up at ours when his DW kicks him out. Last time he spilt curry all over our lounge carpet, which was completely ruined. So as you can imagine I'm a fan.

The other one is a cokehead who used to be loaded, great girlfriend, lost it all due to his habit. Last time he stayed for a month, our kitchen table has never seen so much action! He drank all our booze (a LOT) and promised to replace it all for ages afterwards. Eventually turned up with about 20 bottles of rose. We both hate rose, I'm still bitter.

Doinmummy · 31/05/2014 11:42

Does he pay his way when he's stays?

It would be a no from me- criminal, serial cheater , free loader, untidy- absolutely no.

Original poster
lessonsintightropes · 06/06/2014 22:44

Thanks for all the replies and apologies for a late response.

  1. He has never offered to help with bills
  2. He has form for coming for 'one night' and staying for months which DH is too soft about
  3. He always seems to find a way if we don't offer.

DH and I, after much heartache and rows (v rare for us) have agreed he's not to stay any more. We can help in other ways but having him move in essentially just before we move house is just not an option. DH has backed down on me being the bad guy in this situation too, and realises he was being unfair in asking me to take 'Dave' in again.

OP posts: