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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel so very lonely

41 replies

Appletreebackyard · 29/05/2014 21:26

I don't know where to start, I feel like I don't really have any friends. I am shy and it was hard when DD was born to get out there to the childrens centres but I did it and I did meet some other mums. Inevitably now the babies are toddlers and people return to work and those friendships are disintegrating somewhat, which is fair enough.

My best friend emigrated earlier this year, and another friend lives so far away that meet ups aren't possible without some major planning. I suppose I was just hoping to meet someone, even just one person who I could meet up with for coffee occasionally. I miss the sending of a text that is just something as simple as "cup of tea?" It makes me sad that I don't have that anymore.

I'm lucky in that I have lots of family nearby but its just not the same. I even answered some threads on the meet a mum board but nothing came of it.

Is this just me?

OP posts:

Toadsrevisited · 29/05/2014 21:33

I felt the same when I had DS but found that I had to keep
putting a brave face on it and going to groups and speaking to people. I hope it doesn't sound pushy when I do but decided that it's better to be proactive than lonely. Are you still going to groups etc?

wheresthelight · 29/05/2014 21:38

I'm a similar situation as my mil was dying when dd was born so I spent most of the first 10 weeks running back and forth to the hospital so I missed all the centres play times etc.

The groups I have been do have been full of late teens/early 20's and in my mid 30's I have very little in common with them. They mostly seemed to be chattingaabout nights out clubbing which is something I was never really into.

I have tried the boards here but nothing in my area really.

I have only really made friends recently as we were able. To afford a swimming group for dd

justmuddlingalong · 29/05/2014 21:38

Non organised places are good for meeting other people. The swimming pool, library or even the swing park. Try to keep getting out and about.

Pancakeflipper · 29/05/2014 21:48

Keep going out and about, cup of tea/meet ups in the park will happen. They just take time and will not happen if you stay home.

And also when your child starts school you may find that opens up another social circle.

I moved to a new area of the country when pregnant with DS1 and had to restart my social life. I had days when I felt so lonely and would see others meeting/laughing and chatting at the park cafe etc. I made friends - lost some when they moved etc but I have made new ones too. Just keep on going out and when you least expect it will end up having a conversation with someone that gets to a cup of tea and cake meet up.

BerniceBroadside · 29/05/2014 21:51

Did you go back to work yourself? If not, could that be an option? Even if you didn't make any friends through work it might help to have adult company?

Original poster

Appletreebackyard · 29/05/2014 22:07

Thank you all for your kind replies, I am still going to groups, I think perhaps I just need to be braver, there has to be someone in one of them who is similar to me!

I did go back to work but I only do two days so I feel a bit out of the loop if that makes sense!

I will take all your advice about keeping on getting out - think I will try the library tomorrow!

Wheresthelight, I am so sorry to hear about your situation.

OP posts:

Pancakeflipper · 29/05/2014 22:14

Believe me there are other mums feeling lonely too, feeling like every other mother they see is having party time!

Original poster

Appletreebackyard · 29/05/2014 22:17

We need to wear badges to stop people being nervous in striking up a conversation! :)

OP posts:

RedSoloCup · 29/05/2014 22:19

I did meet a nice group of people on meetamum when my older ones were toddlers, we don't see each other much now as all the kids went to different schools but it was nice at the time. I think you have to look out for like minded people on there with similarly aged kids so it might be worth trying again.
Once they are 2-3 and go to nursery it's nice to have some of the other mums round for coffee after and you can make friends that way, same with primary school. Most mums I know love to meet up with the kids so don't give up just yet :)
What area are you in OP?

Pancakeflipper · 29/05/2014 22:20

One of the mums who I became friends with said that - said we should wear a little sticker that we flash at those whom we think are in a similar situation, would save a lot of edging around, when actually you just want a friendly chat.

Bumpandkind · 29/05/2014 22:20

. When you have a young child your life and situations change constantly. Just ride this wave, keep getting out. It will pass. I know you're shy but just try to start a conversation with a mum in the park. Im always doing this and have made some nice friends. We all have so much in common and we all feel lonely now and then.

wheresthelight · 29/05/2014 22:25

Thanks hun! Have pm'd you

Our sure start does stickers which I got really excited over til I realised they were just numbers for the queue to have baby weighed.

DontputyourfingerinthejellyNel · 29/05/2014 22:25

Whereabouts are you? One of us may be able to help in terms of good groups.
I moved area when I had a preschool child and a baby, and never really got to making any new mum friends. Even now 4 years on I am pretty friendless, so I feel your pain x

ScarlettDarling · 29/05/2014 22:35

Hi, don't know how old your dc is, but when they start school is a great chance to meet new friends. You do have to be brave though, and once you get chatting to someone at the school gates, you need to suggest going for coffee. And if they say no, don't take it personally and think that they hate you...it Will just be that they are busy, ask again!

emms1981 · 30/05/2014 08:25

I know how you feel, my boys are 5 and 7 now and I'm a sahm. I was working a couple of days a week until last year so I at least got to be arround people.
I don't have any friends, I moved to this town 3 years ago and don't know anyone the school run is horriable standing there twice a day while everyone around you is chatting. I tried a local page on here but no replies.
When the boys were young I tried baby groups but got fed up with it one girl was swearing and most already knew each other.

emms1981 · 30/05/2014 08:27

KoalaDownUnder · 30/05/2014 08:30

Just wanted to say, I'm totally lonely at the moment without even being a mum. People tell me all the time how lucky I am to be able to 'do what I want all the time'. Well, tonight I'm going to a gym session and then home for wine and a DVD, by myself. I know that would elicit groans of envy from my friends with kids, and I understand why, but I'm so lonely I could die at the moment.

Hang in there. There are more lonely people out there than you'd think. We just have to trust that it will pass.

Iseenyou · 30/05/2014 08:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MamaDoGood · 30/05/2014 15:02

I feel the same as you OP.
My children are 4 & 2 and sometimes it's incredibly lonely ??

LancashireTea · 30/05/2014 15:54

I felt the same way as you, OP, when I moved away for a new job with my now ex-boyf. (I know its a different situ, but loneliness is horrible no matter then context). We broke up about a month later and I had to carry on living with the twat him for another 6 months because of our rental contract.

I have never been so lonely in my life, even though I was working. I had friends in London, but it was such a faff to organise a meet up.

I joined a book club as that gave me the chance to meet new people, so maybe that'd help you. I'd recommend the meetup website for clubs, as there are probably some baby friendly ones out there.

Chin up Appletree xx

EEasterChick · 30/05/2014 16:03

I work two days too, and it's a weird balance. If you are in London I will invite you for coffee (-:

ScrambledEggAndToast · 30/05/2014 20:08

I'm in a similar position to you OP. I moved to a new city two years ago which my best friend already lived in (she was from my home town but had moved here about three years previously). She seems to be ignoring me mainly at the moment, I don't really know why but it's really hurting my feelings. I tried to make friends with someone else but it all seems to be on her terms when she decides to contact me. My other good friend lives about one hour away. I saw her at the weekend which was great. If it wasn't for my partner, I would be really lonely. I just don't know how to meet people

Pleasecanisleepnow · 30/05/2014 20:33

I know how you feel. I have a DD who is 17 and I have a DS who is 2.

Before DS was born I had a healthy social life, friends and work colleagues. Since DS, my Xp walked out (when DS was 3 weeks old) and nearly all of my friends have fallen by the wayside as I can't go out like I used to.

I was unable to go back to work after my maternity finished (like I had planned all along) partly because as I was now on my own I couldn't get/afford decent child are but also my DS was in and out of hospital (I nearly lost him a few times).

I go to groups but a large majority of the mothers there are quite a bit younger than me and already have their friendship groups (it's like being back at school :-/). As a result I now rarely have any adult company or fun....

Sorry to be burdening you with my tales of woe, it's quite nice to just get it out actually :-) I hope things get better for you soon (and me :-))

slightlyconfused85 · 30/05/2014 20:54

I felt a bit like this when everyone started going back to work and the group of friends I made when at a baby group met very infrequently. I just kept getting out and about with DD and randomly struck up a conversation with a lady in the library who had two exciteable children. Turns out we had a degree in the same subject and loads in common and have been really good friends ever since. She's my lifeline and we do loads together with or without kids. My point is just keep going out and talking to people someone will turn up

Writerwannabe83 · 30/05/2014 21:26

I think the key to making new friends is to be brave.

A week after I got home with my new baby there was a knock on the door and when I answered it there was a woman standing there who I'd never seen before. She told me that she lived on the estate and had seen I was pregnant and that she knew we'd had the baby as we had "It's a boy" balloons on the front of the house. She handed me a congratulations card and a present for the baby Inside her card she had wrote that if I ever wanted a cup of tea or a change of scenery then I was welcome at hers and she included her phone number. I was really touched by it all and also thought how very brave of her! We now see each other often and it turns out she had recently moved to the area, didn't really know anyone and decided to just bite the bullet and try and form a friendship with me.

I attend two separate groups and in one of them I have been chatting to some women, nothing deep and meaningful just light heart chit-chat. At the end of the last session I piped up that maybe it would be nice to meet up during the week seeing as the session wasn't running due to it being half term. I was quite surprised I said it as I'm also quite shy. The ladies nodded and the day before yesterday three of them came to my house for chat, tea and biscuits. Admittedly it was a little awkward at the start as we don't really know each other and most of our conversation was about babies but at least it was a start.

My breast feeding support group are running a BBQ this weekend and although I will be nervous on the inside I'm going to paint a smile on my face and chat to people as though I'm the queen of socialising

It is really hard I know to try and make new friendships but life is short and what's the worst that can happen of you ask someone for a cup of tea? I doubt anyone would actually say no to you - they'd probably love the gesture. It's just a case of somehow combatting the nerves and forcing yourself to make that extra step no matter how awful and terrifying it may see .

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