To feel so very lonely

[Appletreebackyard]

I don't know where to start, I feel like I don't really have any friends. I am shy and it was hard when DD was born to get out there to the childrens centres but I did it and I did meet some other mums. Inevitably now the babies are toddlers and people return to work and those friendships are disintegrating somewhat, which is fair enough.

My best friend emigrated earlier this year, and another friend lives so far away that meet ups aren't possible without some major planning. I suppose I was just hoping to meet someone, even just one person who I could meet up with for coffee occasionally. I miss the sending of a text that is just something as simple as "cup of tea?" It makes me sad that I don't have that anymore.

I'm lucky in that I have lots of family nearby but its just not the same. I even answered some threads on the meet a mum board but nothing came of it.

Is this just me?

Thank you all so much, some really good suggestions, whilst its not nice that others feel like this, its helpful to know its not just me.

I am based in Bury, outside Manchester, EEaster Chick, I would definitely take you up on your kind offer if I was in London!

x

I met a lot of people through doing an evening class...

That's my home town (near enough) OP :)

How old is your DD now ? I have a baby and a crazy 2.6 year old !

I think it's the fear that making an offer to meet up for coffee will lead to a deathly silence and no-one taking me up on the offer which stops me.

Maybe all us lonely/struggling with babies people should say whereabouts we are and see if any of us are close?? I've tried the mumsnet local but no one seems to post much on there.

I was just reading some stuff about making friends/being liked.

One of the problems is you give off 'needy' vibes in your anxiousness to be liked.

A suggestion was to think of occasions when you felt happy, laughing, a warmth towards someone else (I wrote them down) such as seeing a good friend/ close family member and having a hug, or maybe you told a funny story or joke at work and everyone laughed with you (has happened to me but not often tbh), or being congratulated by someone on doing a good job (lovely birthday cake, good presentation etc). You recall the happy emotions those gave you and think of them to keep an aura around you.

So you are now emanating 'I'm a happy together person' vibes. Which helps if you are eg joining a room of people you don't know or meeting someone for the first time. I've only tried this for a few days but I feel it does help.

She is also 2.6 Cheshire :)

I think Mrs SeanBeans idea is a good one, seeing as the local boards don't really seem to get much posted on them!

That's really interesting about giving off vibes, I will remember that!

The thing is you can obviously make friends as you have had a best friend, it's just very unlucky when a close friend gets up and leaves. I think it can take a year or two after that to make other new close friends, so don't panic just yet, and do try to stay in touch with your friend that left, she might need a listening ear as emigrating can be a stressful time.

I'm on the Leicestershire/Warwickshire border

I think the giving off vibes thing is so true. I am quite happy in my own company and have a lovely little group of mums from my first ML. I am always up for meeting new people but because i am happy in my own company would rarely make a first conversation opener and usually sit on my own at toddler classes (whilst i hear some parents none stop chatting to each other).
Am always up for a meet up OP as still have family near Bury. Did you always live there, maybe we went to the same school ? Although i am getting old now 37 :(
Yes good idea about peopleposting where they are, might create some meet ups :)

I'm in Norwich :-)

This is probably an unusual view (I have no DC) but don't always think of mums
I happily hang out at soft play/swimming or go for walks with friends that have children, but rarely get asked. I think they presume because I don't have DC that I will find it boring. But it's such a change that I really enjoy it

That would be great Cheshire, I have pm'd you.

I moved to a new town just before I got pregnant and I haven't had any friends at all for two years and a half now. My son is 15 months. I completely know how you feel and I have no idea how to change my situation. I'm in leeds!

Hi OP, I will check my messages.

Hope others manage a meet up too, fx.

Hi,
just wanted to say that when your DD starts school/nursery and gets on the party treadmill you will almost be forced into making a new circle of acquaintances and some of them will become friends.

I think writerwannabe has it when she says making friends requires you to be brave. Put yourself out there even if you know many times it will come to nothing.

In practical terms, I would suggest:

a) go to groups you have an interest in - if you like reading books go to "story and rhyme time" at your library. Maybe give "tapdancing toddlers" a miss if you would sooner have a brew and a marsbar. This way you're more likely to meet mums with similar interests.

b) maybe have a bit of a routine (if you don't already) as many other parents have their own routine. So park on a Monday morning, cafe on a Tuesday afternoon etc - seeing the same faces at the same times will allow familiarity which can be the first step.

c) think about the type of person you WANT to be friends with and then think about the most likely places to meet those people.

d) consider starting up something yourself. You won't be the only mum in your area feeling the same. I remember seeing some a sign in the doctor's surgery about a coffee afternoon for parents and the person setting it up had been supported by the health visitor at the practice.

I know my suggestions focus on mums - that's because kids really are an easy "in" to conversations.

Hope you feel happier soon.