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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask someone to talk me down

44 replies

ilovedthatcoat · 29/05/2014 16:18

I am panicking a lot right now.

My eldest dd(16) is completely fucking up at school.

We are in Scotland and she is due to sit her Highers and national 5s next year (equiv of mix of A levels and GCSEs).

She has no interests and no ambition. We have tried to get her to pinpoint something that she might like to do when she leaves school in 2 years but nothing. She has no concept of the real world despite our best efforts. We have explained till we are blue in the face that without qualifications she will either have to take a low paid job or go on to college and resit her exams. It doesn't sink in. She just says she will just live at home with us and we can give her money.

She has just sat her mocks and predictably, failed every one. I would not say she is hugely bright but she is capable of reasonable grades and certainly enough to get into an OK course somewhere.

She has few friends and no social life. All she does is sit in her room and eat junk and watch videos. She is overweight and getting fatter by the month.
She is also extremely aggressive and if we try to tell her to study are met with pure abuse and threats of violence, the last time left me in tears and shaking.Which upsets our other dd who has to put up with her aggression and bullying.

The stage I'm at, I just want her to pass her exams so she can leave home. But right now there is no hope of that. My fear is that she will leave school with no qualifications and have to take a job in a corner shop, and continue living with us and making everyone's life a misery! All I want for her is to do well but I feel my hope for that happening diminishing by the day.

OP posts:

trambampoline · 29/05/2014 16:20

It sounds like she could be depressed? Would she go to the gp with you?

Original poster

ilovedthatcoat · 29/05/2014 16:21

Yeah we have been to the GP. They arranged counselling for her which she refused to go to. She is depressed I think. And it manifests itself as anger and aggression. I think her lack of friends and her weight make her unhappy.

OP posts:

onetiredmummy · 29/05/2014 16:22

From your OP it sounds as if you are attributing her attitude to pure laziness.

Could it be something else? If you were describing an adult I'd be asking if there was depression or some kind of stress somewhere that affecting her confidence.

drinkingtea · 29/05/2014 16:23

Is she depressed or afraid to try in case she fails? Only think that because of your last few paragraphs. Is there a pastoral care system at her school? Maybe you could ask if they can have a no pressure but do you need some support chat?

Don't focus on her weight, it makes you sound as if you view her with contempt. I can see she must be hard to live with atm but she sounds very unhappy, based on your post.

hesterton · 29/05/2014 16:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pictish · 29/05/2014 16:24

Sounds to me like your daughter's despondency regarding school is rooted in deep unhappiness. Her self esteem is most likely very low.

I am hoping that your own callous sounding attitude towards her is merely symptomatic of your current frustration with the situation.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/05/2014 16:25

Has her attitude/behaviour changed recently or has she been like this for a long time? Are school concerned that she is underperforming and have you spoken to them about the aggression and threats etc? If she has few friends and no social life might she be being bullied or under a different kind of stress? Can you rule out drug use... often a cause of behavioural change?

Original poster

ilovedthatcoat · 29/05/2014 16:26

I don't think she's afraid to try as we tell her and her teachers tell her that she is more than capable of passing her exams. Occasionally she will pull her finger out and do well in a test and she's always so pleased afterwards.
I only mention her weight as it's another worry for me - she really is piling on a lot of weight and I think it's contributing to her depression. I have not mentioned it to her though I try to have/make healthy food at home, she spends all her allowance on junk food though.

OP posts:

EmilyMortimer · 29/05/2014 16:27

Very difficult for you to live with but she does sound pretty depressed.
Is there anyone she would talk to? Family friend? Your sister? From what you've said her narrative could be "they don't care about me ... no one does ... " etc (Obviously not saying this is true)
Has she always been a loner?
Could she go to the GP with you to get some ad's to give her the boost to get through the next year or so?

Original poster

ilovedthatcoat · 29/05/2014 16:29

pictish, if you have nothing useful to say please don't bother. I am posting on here because I am so worried, not because I am callous! I have no idea why you would think posting something like that would be in any way helpful.

She has always been like this. I'm sure she isn't using drugs. School are not that helpful, it's a huge school and not a great one but it's our only local option. I don't think she is being bullied. Her friends did try for a long time to get her to go out with them, they used to call round a lot and still invite her places but she doesn't seem to want to go.

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EmilyMortimer · 29/05/2014 16:29

That's what I was thinking cogito. Sounds as though something could be underlying it all.

Suefla62 · 29/05/2014 16:30

If she's not trying at school or helping in the home why us she getting an allowance? She also needs to be told that after she leaves school, she either gets a job or there will be no money from you.

Pancakeflipper · 29/05/2014 16:30

Poor her and poor you. Could she be suffering from depression? Scared and anxious of life as a grown-up. Or just not got the drive you want her to have?

I think you might need to break this down into little bits and not look at the entire thing. And try to help improve the bits that will help her and make her happier.

Interests/ hobbies - has she anything she likes that you can encourage and do with her? Even if it is just a fortnightly cinema trip with you where you have fun together instead of you feeling anxious and her knowing she's disappointing you.

Sounds like she's floundering in life and scared. But the violence has to stop and I think it will if she feels positive. If you think she's depressed be worth you going to talk to the doctor and look at therapies to help her so she doesn't become a reclusive adult.

EmilyMortimer · 29/05/2014 16:34

Ah iloved what a shame. So people do like her but have given up on her. And she perhaps didn't want to go because of shyness, awkwardness and so on. It's a self-perpetuating circle.

Sounds a bit airy-fairy but what about something like visualisation?

EmilyMortimer · 29/05/2014 16:35

Good post pancake.

Guitargirl · 29/05/2014 16:40

She definitely sounds depressed. Does she do any exercise at all? It could be something underlying, problems at school, or it could be that she 'just' needs some more fresh air and exercise. It all becomes a vicious circle I think, as an under-active teenager I remember those feelings but IME some high-impact exercise can work bloody wonders. What about kick-boxing? Am not trying to minimise, a genuine suggestion!

Original poster

ilovedthatcoat · 29/05/2014 16:43

Yeah the violence is really bad. She makes her 14 yo sister cry at least once a day - even if she looks at her the wrong way she'll shove her flying or slap her. Which is why I often feel that the best thing would be for her to go off and go to college herself as at least dd2 would have a more pleasant existence. The gp is not really that helpful as she said both times we went they would only refer to a psychologist if violence was happening at school too. I have wondered about ADs so maybe that is worth a try.
She doesn't have any hobbies unfortunately. We have tried to get her interested in a few things, it's like the kiss of death though the moment we try to support her in something she likes she immediately loses interest and says she doesn't like it any more.
I do feel so sorry for her but short term I just want to find ways to help her study and do well and ultimately face up to reality. I'm obviously not going to turf her out at 18 but her genuine plan appears to be to just leave school and sit at home while we give her money. I don't want her to be scared, in many ways I feel she is not scared enough and if she knew that we WOULD show her the door at 18 she might have more of an incentive to work hard and get on!

OP posts:

Chippednailvarnish · 29/05/2014 16:43

I'm not suggesting this as a solution, but what do you think would happen if you stopped giving her anything but a roof over her head and three meals a day?

Original poster

ilovedthatcoat · 29/05/2014 16:44

She does no exercise. I am very aware of that. She won't leave the house and school is across the road so no exercise even getting there. I am a member of a nearby gym with a pool and have offered to pay for her membership but she wasn't interested.

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Pancakeflipper · 29/05/2014 16:47

Chipped, I think she'd feel more lonely, more unloved, more resentful and nothing would improve. I am not saying make her life comfy but emotional and practical support and knowing there's support in her family may help a lot more in the long run. She's young and her life sounds pretty miserable.

Original poster

ilovedthatcoat · 29/05/2014 16:47

The thing with her friends was that she felt annoyed and angry with them all the time. Said that they were always doing things that wind her up and that all they are interested in doing is sitting in the park/cafe and it's boring. Everyone annoys her, she finds it hard to spend time with people. I can't think of a single person she doesn't find it hard to spend time with - whenever we see anyone she will spend time afterwards picking apart what they said and did and if I try to say, come on, nobody's perfect, they didn't mean to annoy you, she gets furious with me and says I should be on her sde.

OP posts:

Original poster

ilovedthatcoat · 29/05/2014 16:52

Her life is miserable Pancake but I don't know how we can make that better. She has a lovely home, she knows we all love her and care about her, but she has an anger and sadness inside her that I don't know how to fix. I think her weight does make her unhappy but only she can address that.

OP posts:

MaryWestmacott · 29/05/2014 16:54

She sounds depressed to me, go back to the GP with her and insist she needs ADs. You might find you have a very different girl in your house after they kick in.

Original poster

ilovedthatcoat · 29/05/2014 16:54

Chipped, even the three meals a day are a struggle! She won't eat breakfast, I often find her packed lunch in the bin, and when I make her dinner says she'll just have it later. Then I find her bin overflowing with pringles and milkshake bottles. I take her shopping with me and allow her to choose what she wants for dinner - I try to steer her towards the healthier options but the stage I'm at, anything is better than crisps and Coke. But she won't eat it.

OP posts:

SpringBreaker · 29/05/2014 16:57

Stop giving her an allowance. If she doesnt go out, she doesnt need money. If she hasnt got money, she cant buy the crap that is making her fat. If she loses weight and feels better about herself, she will gain confidence.

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