to ask someone to talk me down

[ilovedthatcoat]

I am panicking a lot right now.

My eldest dd(16) is completely fucking up at school.

We are in Scotland and she is due to sit her Highers and national 5s next year (equiv of mix of A levels and GCSEs).

She has no interests and no ambition. We have tried to get her to pinpoint something that she might like to do when she leaves school in 2 years but nothing. She has no concept of the real world despite our best efforts. We have explained till we are blue in the face that without qualifications she will either have to take a low paid job or go on to college and resit her exams. It doesn't sink in. She just says she will just live at home with us and we can give her money.

She has just sat her mocks and predictably, failed every one. I would not say she is hugely bright but she is capable of reasonable grades and certainly enough to get into an OK course somewhere.

She has few friends and no social life. All she does is sit in her room and eat junk and watch videos. She is overweight and getting fatter by the month.
She is also extremely aggressive and if we try to tell her to study are met with pure abuse and threats of violence, the last time left me in tears and shaking.Which upsets our other dd who has to put up with her aggression and bullying.

The stage I'm at, I just want her to pass her exams so she can leave home. But right now there is no hope of that. My fear is that she will leave school with no qualifications and have to take a job in a corner shop, and continue living with us and making everyone's life a misery! All I want for her is to do well but I feel my hope for that happening diminishing by the day.

Blimey. You have my sympathies OP, she sounds like a nightmare to live with. Your post around picking holes in everything people have said or done reminds me of some people I know and it's draining to be around somebody so negative all the time.

I agree she does sound very unhappy and if your GP isn't any good maybe you can switch surgeries or pay for a private consultation maybe?

I think you might have to address her violence toward her sister immediately. You can't leave it two years in the hope it will stop when she's 18. Your younger daughter has as much right to a lovely nonviolent home as your other daughter. I would try and see a different GP even if you go alone.

As much as I believe she is depressed there doesn't seem to be any consequence to her current behaviour...

I agree Pancake.
I'm not sure this is a situation to be solved by 'tough love'. That has its place of course, but not here.

The aggression and violence are absolutely unacceptable of course...her poor sister.
I think OP, you are going to have to start shouting louder for help. Have you considered talking to Parentline? I think that's where I'd start. Someone out there has got to listen to what you have to say...for your other daughter's sake as much as anything. Maybe Parentline can point you in the right direction, seeing as the gp is useless.

I feel awfy sorry for all of you. There are quite likely a lot of things that your oldest daughter has not discussed with you, that have attributed to her mindset.

I might have been your dd at the same age...minus the aggression and violence. The despondency, weight issues, lack of vision and motivation were all me.
There was no one thing that caused it, and no one thing that would have resolved it.
I was so unhappy, but to be honest with you, I didn't actually realise just how until I was much older.
I'm not sure what would have helped...but I'll think about it.

Maybe she needs unconditional support, but to have to work for her allowance and know that when she leaves school you will always give her a room and meals, but no handouts. Take the pressure off - tell her its OK if things are too much, but if ahe finishes school without qualifications she will have to get a minimum wage job if she wants any spendong money - tell her you love her and will always love her, but that's how it is.

Reverse psycholgy of accepting her doing nothing may work, and if not maybe she'll turn things around later.

Do you think she feels not as good as/ not as loved as her currently more acceptably behaved sister?

I think she does feel overshadowed by her sister, who is generally a very happy sunny girl with lots of friends.
Parentline is a good idea, I will try to call them.
It makes me so sad. She was such a beautiful, happy little girl.

Also are you sure her sister is 100% innocent - could she have been taunting her chubby Billy No Mates big sis (that is how a favoured, slim teen sistr might see her, mot what I am calling her, I hope that's clear!). I remember being the chubby big sister with the petite, skinny little sis who taunted me behind my parents backs and made faux nieve digs "is the stomach of your jeans padded?" [Hmm] in front of them - I was never allowed to retaliate, she was always in the right... it grinds you down... though I was an achademic high achiever and had a couple of very hood friends, so never got too miserable, it was frustrating...

I did try making her work for her allowance, which believe me is tiny - a fiver a week. By making her do chores. She was so abusive and aggressive about it I gave up. I guess I still give her the money as I feel I don't want to make her life any worse by her having no money but maybe I will have to stand up to her and insist again. It is just so draining...
I try to be there and listen to her but all she wants to do is be nasty about everyone - sometimes watching her pretty face just contorted in a sneer as she rips everyone to shreds is quite soul destroying. I have an utterly lovely SIL who has no children of her own, she adores her nieces and tries so hard with dd1, who is so fucking nasty about her!! It would break her heart to hear it and it breaks mine.
Sometimes I'm afraid she is just not a nice person.

I don't think dd2 taunts her. I can't say for sure but she tries v hard to keep out of dd1's way, she is quite scared of her, and she has hurt her quite badly in the past. So I doubt she would go looking for trouble.

May not be that - just a thought from experience :) Could just be she lashes out at her sister for seeming to be all that you want a DD to be, and which she thinks she isn't. She's very young, don't assume what you see now is really her true personality, she dounds so unhappy and unable to see a way out. I hope the Parentline suggestion from others has hood advice.

I really, really hope that's true drinkingtea and she will emerge from this a nice, happy person.

I agree with those who said stop giving her money.
Nobody should get money for nothing.
All my DC had to earn any money they wanted, whether this was doing chores, running errands or some other contribution.

You say she was a happy little girl.
When did she change? Was there a life event, a person, a falling out or change of circumstances? Think hard - there will have been a catalyst.
Look around outside and inside the family.

You may need to go back to toddler management skills.
Buy and cook healthy food. Ensure there is nothing else in the house.
If she has no money she won't be able to buy junk.

Remove the facility for watching videos in her room.
Exercise would really help. Can you think of any way she could be encouraged to walk regularly?

She sounds depressed.

Has she been checked for thyroid problems, hormonal problems?
What are her periods like?

Sorry you are dealing with this, but it needs sorting out. It won't fix itself.

- it sounds so tough for all of you. I have no wisdom to offer on whether or not she is depressed and how to address that. I'll leave that to wiser and more experienced posters.

However, on the exams front, could you get a tutor? Dnephew had totally disengaged with school. He was/is incredibly bright but just wouldn't put any effort in at all. Dniece went through a similar phase. They both got tutors and the turnaround was amazing. Having a new adult outwith the school system and outwith their nagging mums (as I'm sure they saw it) opened up their possibilities. They only had one tutor (for one subject) but it filtered through to their attitude to their other subjects too.

I'm with 3frogs, unfortunately it sounds like she has beaten you into submission. Depressed or no it she knows that she can basically do what she wants.

Wonder if it's hormonal? I'm no gp but certain pills can help moods. Exercise is also a great mood enhancer.

I suspect it half a dozen things all of which added up makes the whole, but sounds very hard for you all. I hope it works out. X

OP I had a very similar issue with my DD being nasty and violent to her younger sibling.

I had to call the police in the end after she attacked sibling and then attacked me (she is bigger than me) It may sound severe but it was the only thing that worked.

I think being warned by the police made her see how awful her behaviour had become, and she has calmed down enormously. She is doing well at college and has a part time job she is working hard at.

I had to cut her off financially as well to get her to get a job - part time jobs for teens are plentiful where we live.

Sometimes I think you have to keep telling them you love them but that there will be consequences for their actions. I can't see much in the way of consequences from what you have posted so far.

My DD also refused to go to GP/see counsellor and once they are 16 you cannot make them go unfortunately - although I guess it may be different in Scotland.

By the way you do not have to wait until she is 18 to make her leave home if things become untenable and you think you would get on better living apart or her aggression becomes a danger to her siblings or you. Maybe you should tell her that?

Good luck, I hope you come out the other side of this with a loving daughter. Mine will even be seen with me in public sometimes!!!

Thank you hampton, and everyone. I think I might look at tutors.

Wow. What a nightmare.

First things first. It doesn't matter what's causing it, there's no excuse for being violent. Ever.

You are allowing your younger daughter to live in a physically abusive situation. You need to put your foot down on that, and yesterday. Obviously whatever you are doing when she is hitting her younger sister isn't work and you need to switch it up and try something different. You owe it to both your daughters to have a safe living environment without fear of their own safety. Even if it means calling the police on her to get through her head that those actions are absolutely unacceptable. Also, make sure younger daughter knows that taunting of any sort is absolutely unacceptable.

Those two need better conflict resolution skills. But you might want to figure it out fast before younger one gets it in her head she should start fighting back and one of them ends up in the hospital, as what happened with two of my cousins. Two of them got physical, one was bigger and naturally the smaller one got hurt and needed stitches.

My cousin ended up moving out and living with her aunt and ended up doing much better. Is there someone that either of the DD's could go live with so they're separated until your oldest gets her shit sorted? They might do better away from each other, and oldest DD might do better in a new environment. My friend growing up went to live with her teacher (nothing shady) because she was miserable at home, she was much happier and better behaved away from the situation. Just a thought.

Seems to me the tutors are the least important thing. Her behaviour, violence and possible depression are what you need to deal with.

Do you think she is suffering from an eating disorder rather than it being just bad food habbits/comfort eating? I don't want to scaremonger at all, but the lack of interest in meals and all the wrappers in the bin could point to binge eating disorder or bulimia. I say this as someone who has recovered from anoxreixa and bulimia, so whilst I may be speaking through the filter of my own experiences it could be worth thinking about. As a teen with an ED I hated my slim sister, and would refuse to see all my friends as everything revolved around food. I also did poorly at school because I was not eating enough to function and I was so very miserable.

It sounds so hard for you, for her and her sister and I'm sorry there is no magic wand. It could be an idea to see if a GP could run some bloods as it she is eating so poorly she could be feeling pretty run down. Also, that could rule out anything hormonal. I hope perhaps you can get her to see the therapists the Drs lined up before, did she say why she didn't want to engage? It can be really scary to be a teen and worry that people will see you as crazy if you get the help you need. Sorry if this post is garbled, on my phone with lots of distractions.