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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or is friend rude?

31 replies

topbanana1 · 29/05/2014 14:45

Prob a bit of both.

Had arranged to meet old school friend this week but didn't specify date/where. Said I'd look for something interesting nearer the time. Left it at that.

Had v stressful weekend as successful in a job application which wanted a sample of my work - spent weekend working on this (due by Sun night) - v stressful and unplanned. Felt quite ill on Mon. Friend messaged on Tues to say it's now this week, when will we meet. I had a surprise phone interview for this job Tues night so replied after it was over saying I'd try to find something. Felt ill and v busy Wed - tried but failed to find anything inspiring and had to go to stuff at my kid's school so facebooked Wed afternoon and said let's make it Thurs.

Then messaged her today with suggetions.

All this time, she's not bothered to reply at all. Know she's seen my facebook messages - but nothing. No response.

I know she's very busy as she's about to emigrate but I am also very busy - work, job applications, 3 kids etc (she's not working full-time, no kids). So bit peeved she's not bothered to reply - to suggest another date, somewhere we could go, if tonight is OK.

Now heard nothing from her so assume I'm not meeting her but it's annoying as I wasted a lot of time trying to find somewhere suitable to go and she won't reply to facebook and her phone is off!

AIBU in expecting someone to reply to messages? Or AIBU in having not fixed the date/event earlier in the week, as I'd originally planned (not knowing I was going to spend ages on job application)?

Pffff.

OP posts:
PoirotsMoustache · 29/05/2014 14:51

I appreciate you were busy and stressed over the weekend, but you didn't get back to your friend about meeting this week until this week was part-way through and she'd reminded you about it. You don't say what time she messaged you on Tuesday, but it looks as though you took a while to reply due to the phone interview. Then you didn't get back to her till Wed afternoon and you're moaning that a day later she didn't get back to you. Is that correct?

If so, you really aren't in a position to complain about her not getting back to you quickly.

brunette123 · 29/05/2014 14:53

Do you mean you messaged her today with a view to meeting either today or tomorrow? To be honest I'd find that short notice. I'd prefer it if someone told me earlier in the week that they had an interview and were tied up preparing and weren't able to look into where/when - even if someone has other things come up, if they let me know I will at least be able to plan my week. I don't think that it is reasonable that she should potentially have to keep Tue/Wed/Thur/Fri free.

brunette123 · 29/05/2014 14:54

Sorry just saw you messaged her Wed. Maybe she is naffed off and cba to reply

QuizzicalCat · 29/05/2014 14:55

It's you, sorry.

sonjadog · 29/05/2014 14:56

I think YABU. You have been too busy to make plans and out her off and now you expect her to rush to answer and see you? Maybe she will contact you later when she isn't busy, or maybe she has found other things to do this week.

BlameItOnTheMoonlight · 29/05/2014 14:59

Yep sorry, YABU. She will be feeling under pressure to see everyone before she emigrates. Everyone wants a piece of you when you move abroad.

FrenchJunebug · 29/05/2014 15:00

YABU the fact she has no kids or not working full time doesn't mean she has no life or plans.

WorraLiberty · 29/05/2014 15:07

Why does no-one ever pick up the phone and speak any more?

Honestly, half the problems with friends and family on MN could be solved with a phone call instead of waiting for texts or facebook messages etc.

Original poster
topbanana1 · 29/05/2014 15:18

I've tried to call but her phone goes straight to answerphone! So assume it's out of battery. But there was no reason why I had to do all the organising or she couldn't call me/message me about what the plans were if she wanted to check. I replied on Tues as soon as I saw her message and said Wed/Thurs, then replied again on Wed afternoon to say Thurs once I realised Wed wasn't going to work out.

But agree that yes, I probably ABU for not replying to her earlier. She probably thinks I don't want to meet up/am making up excuses. But have actually had an unusually stressful knackering week and felt so ill yesterday I couldn't face trying to organise stuff let alone go out. But yes, she probably doesn't know/believe me.

OP posts:
LangenFlugelHappleHoff · 29/05/2014 15:26

but there was no reason why I had to do all the organising or she couldn't call me/message me about what the plans were if she wanted to check

Maybe knowing you are so busy with work/projects/interviews and children she thought it would be best foryou to orginise the plans as a lot more has to fit around you and your responsibilities

Nancy66 · 29/05/2014 15:31

you made too vague a plan to start with.

If someone says to me 'let's try and meet up next week' I half expect it not to happen.

But: ' Let's meet on Wednesday at 6pm outside W H Smith'....I'll be there.

Thurlow · 29/05/2014 15:31

have actually had an unusually stressful knackering week and felt so ill yesterday I couldn't face trying to organise stuff let alone go out.

Maybe she's having a crap week too and, like you, hasn't told you about it?

I think it's you as well. I'd be annoyed if a friend said we'd definitely be meeting this week, they said they'd look into something to do, and by Tuesday evening - almost half way through the week, in my book - they hadn't got in touch. I'd assume they'd forgotten about it and then, when I did get a message on Tuesday night, I'd probably be a bit childishly irritated by that.

Original poster
topbanana1 · 29/05/2014 15:32

Maybe. Don't know. I know I should have got back sooner but has been a v hectic week and trying to coordinate this has added to that. Would have planned week quite differently and made better use of my time if not planning meet up - frustrated as could really have done with the time spent organising. And the time spent stressing now.

Oh well. These things happen.

OP posts:
Original poster
topbanana1 · 29/05/2014 15:36

Agree would have avoided all the hassle/potential for misinterpretation/huff-taking if just spoken on the phone! But can't get hold of her...

So yes, she's probably deeply huff-ridden now. Which is a shame, as she's a very old friend. And about to bugger off permanently abroad.

Hope she's just too busy to reply - possible as assume she is busy with moving. But equally, wish she'd been more proactive with dates if she was busy every minute and trying to squeeze me in, so neither of us wasted time expecting/making arrangements that weren't going to work out.

OP posts:
Original poster
topbanana1 · 29/05/2014 15:38

And Thurlow - wasn't 'half way through the week' - I suggested last weekend, or next weekend, but she said not free then. So it was reasonable to assume the week started after the bank holiday weekend ie Tues. And continued till Fri.

OP posts:
Bearbehind · 29/05/2014 15:39

You do sound a bit of a drama queen tbh with all this v stressful, v busy, felt ill etc.

From what you've said you just had to do some unplanned work at the weekend and didn't bother getting in touch with your friend, as you'd promised to, until it was convenient for you and are now annoyed that she's doing the same.

Thurlow · 29/05/2014 15:46

Just trying to show different opinions, OP. I would see someone making contact on Tuesday as getting near halfway through the week. Your friend might have seen it that way. I prefer to know more in advance what plans are - you're friend might be similar.

I think I'm going to take back the "as well" in my earlier comment. It really does sound like it's you. In your OP you said that you had offered to make the plans - so it's a bit off to get annoyed with your friend for not getting it touch with you, when you were the one who said

Original poster
topbanana1 · 29/05/2014 15:55

Fair enough. I did say in OP that I thought it was both of us.

Bearbehind - don't think you're really in a position to know or pass judgement on whether I'm a drama queen or actually, yes, had a v stressful week and did feel ill. I juggle several jobs, 3 kids (2 on half term this week) and have had major worries about elderly parents' health this week (not mentioned till now but not aiding my mood). So having to spend 2 days producing a high quality piece of work for what would be a dream job (doubt I'll get it - v competitive :() unexpectedly, did add to my workload and stress levels a lot and put paid to various other pre-existing plans. Not my friend's fault. But not planned as a deliberate slight either.

OP posts:
Original poster
topbanana1 · 29/05/2014 15:57

And Thurlow, I didn't say I was expecting her to have organised it, or cross she hadn't (I'm not), but if she hadn't heard from me and was busy, she could have just rung or messaged me to find out.

OP posts:
Thurlow · 29/05/2014 16:01

I'm just putting it from her perspective, topbanana. You'd made rough plans, she didn't hear from you, she probably thought you'd changed your mind. I'm not disagreeing that you've had a rubbish week, but imo if you've made some plans but don't have time to entirely see them though, it equally wouldn't have been hard for you to drop a quick text saying you still did want to meet but had been too busy to do what you said you would do.

Bearbehind · 29/05/2014 16:05

I didn't say I was in a position to know or pass judgement on whether you are a drama queen- I said you sounded like one- which from your
OP, is true.

How hard would it have been to text/ call / message your friend as soon as you had been given the work assignment and either postpone or ask her to make the arrangements?

Instead you ignored her until it suited you and got arsey because she didn't drop everything to respond to you when you did bother to contact her.

This is clearly going to be one of those threads.

OP- AIBU
Everyone- Yes
OP- well I disagree

Repeat endlessly

CaptainTripps · 29/05/2014 16:11

Showing my age here but....

...just pick up the phone, folks.

I know I'm old fashioned but geez. All this texting business and to-ing and fro-ing.

Original poster
topbanana1 · 29/05/2014 16:22

Erm, BearBehind - if you recall, I suggested in my OP I was probably to blame as well. So hardly a drama queen.

Nor does it make me a drama queen for stating (correctly) that I've had an unusually bad week - that is your judgement. Sometimes people do have bad weeks. Doesn't make them all drama queens if they mention it.

It's been useful to get others' feedback - if I ever speak to me friend, I'll try to say sorry for messing her around. But that comes across better in speech than message, which was what I hoped to do. Assume friend hasn't deliberately switched her phone off just to be impossible to contact, but agree with CaptainTripps that this would all have been much more straightforward if I could have just spoken to her!

OP posts:
Original poster
topbanana1 · 29/05/2014 16:30

Ha! Have finally had reply from friend - she is out and about and not been able to look at links I sent; suggested weekend instead. :)

Glad there is innocent reply and no huffy intent. :)

And I said sorry for being crap with organising, thanks to you helpful people. Grin

OP posts:
Bearbehind · 29/05/2014 16:30

Yes, but you keep insisting you are both to blame.

You're not both yo blame- it's just you.

The drama queen comment had nothing to do with who was to blame anyway, it was because your OP was full of comments like v stressful, v busy, felt ill- it was all a bit self centred.

You should have contacted her earlier and have no right to think she is rude because she hasn't responded to you instantly.

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