I think I am

[flixybelle]

My dh gran died last week he was very very close to her as were our dcs
(I dont get on well with any of his family nothing major,but just not best friends.)
The funeral is in half term my dd (7) has asked to go. DH and I were undecided but then MIL announced that they were having a humanist funeral and as we are Christians thought it was probably best if our dcs didn't go as I think it's a bit confusing for them. (I was a bit put out that they are having a humanist funeral when my dh requested anything other than humanist as his family whilst not avid church goers believe in God and heaven etc and he felt it was a bit hypocritical and has automatically excluded my dds which they knew in advance it would.) No one was ever suggesting a religious service but a civil service instead. However we have just gone along with MIL wishes. As with every detail she has asked dh opinion and then disregarded it.

DH suggested that after the service I pick our dds up and bring them to the wake where we could have do balloons or lanterns release or whatever for them to say their goodbyes which is what we did for my Aunt when she died 2 weeks ago. MIL has now booked the wake at only pub in the whole area where children are not allowed the pub holds no special meaning to anyone its just a pub .
So I have said that I will attend the service but afterwards would rather be home with my dds than attend the wake (only said that to dh.) Plus childcare is a bit of an issue as my mum has an exam that day and no other family to look after them so friends will be having them.

So firstly AIBU in being annoyed that they have excluded my dds and secondly to not go to the wake? I think I am but I really really dont want to go.

YANBU - A Funeral is a very private time for all and people grieve in many ways. However they are only excluding the DC's from the wake, you have decided that the funeral would be not appropriate for the children.

So for your familys loss.

Why would it be confusing for them to attend a humanist funeral? Surely they have to learn about other beliefs and practices at some point? Why not now?

Does the pub not allow children even when it's a private function? usually the rules for private functions are different, have you rung the pub to ask?

I cannot see any way in which your DH has a say in what kind of service his DGM has. Her, she could have a say before she died and her wishes should be respected. Her DDs/DSs has a say and should find a way of saying goodbye that is meaningful to her. Your DH? No real say.

I also have no idea why your DD couldn't go to a humanist service. I have an atheist family and would see nothing confusing or worrying going to almost any religious funeral. With DD.

The wake is annoying but do you think she picked it because DH is making a fuss about everything else?

I don't know if it will be confusing for them - might just provide you with an opportunity to discuss different people's beliefs. I am Christian, my Dad had a humanist funeral and it was beautiful. It was done in such a way that I felt able to relate my beliefs to what was said IYSWIM.

So it might be OK...

You want your MIL to plan her Mothers funeral around your 7 year old?

Who "is the family that believe in God?"

If your DH's Gran didn't leave specific instruction for a Church service and MIL doesn't want it, then MIL has the right to say goodbye to her Mum without the God stuff thrown in.

I don't understand why it would be confusing for your children. Surely they are already covering different beliefs in the school curriculum?

Perhaps go home and have your own Rememberance party, which includes Eco/animal friendly lanterns.

Of course they will have to and do learn about other faiths , however dhs family are not humanist. I have been to 3 humanist funerals (with this same celebrant) and he made a huge point of this being the end of the line nothing more no heaven etc Firstly I think for a christain child that a harsh thing to hear about their granny at 7.That is why I have chosen not to take dds as at the moment after 3 deaths in 3 weeks the only comfort I can offer my dd is that they are safe in heaven together and we will see them again.I appreciate not everyone feels that way but that is our belief. Also the celebrant will say that and then MIL will be doing her eulogy about granny being reunited with her husband and brother. I find that as an adult confusing it's very conflicting.

Treaclethey are not having a private function as such its just reserved seating in a pub with a buffet at lunch time not separate from the pub. I have checked and children are not allowed.
mrsterry My dh was very very close to his gran he lived with her for a while saw her several times a week. They are only a small family just MIL DH and DB and his mum asked for both her sons help in planning the funeral, but then had disregarded everything dh said. Is it the norm to only have 1 person plan the funeral?
birds No I don't want her to plan it around my dd just not to plan it in a way that means my dd cannot attend any part of it for no apparent reason.DH family are all christened and believe in heaven or something of that ilk. My family are Catholic but I am in no way suggesting a catholic or remotely religious service. Gran did leave a funeral plan as it happens which include a hymn and the lords prayer but had said since she bought the plan that it seemed a little old fashioned. Gran also spent the last 7 years saying that she was fed up of living and just wanted to go be with her husband again!

Humanism isn't a faith. Neither is atheism for that matter but people aren't humanist as such to use humanist celebrants. This really isn't confusing. Your DD will be fine. She wants to say goodbye, she should. Sounds like a lovely girl.

If my DD goes to state school in the UK she will have regular, "worship of a broadly Christian nature" and is expected to not get confused. One funeral won't confuse your DD.

I'm very sorry for your recent losses.

You can be religious and humanist.

My grandmother had a humanist funeral despite the fact she herself was a Christian ( don't get me started) and again the celebrant made a point of saying there was no afterlife, this was it, the end. So YANBU. I found it upsetting and I'm a bit agnostic and an adult. It was hurtful. And my vicar warned me it would happen - so I would say more likely than not.

Mrsterry Thank you its been a horrid few weeks. DD's are at Catholic school. My dd is finding her own faith along the way my Faith is a liberal sort of catholic with anglican and other bits thrown in. We are not fundamental and don't attend church every week or even every month but 100% believe in heaven.Maybe I am being stupid but I think the concept of no heaven nothing else will be a confusing and upsetting thing for a child to come to terms with.When we talk so frequently(given the recent circumstances) about heaven. I think it is an unnecessarily difficult situation that I don't want to put a grieving 7 year old in hence why I think it would have been better for them not to go.
I just felt that my MIL should have made the funeral in some way accessible to my ddS either the service or the wake so they could say goodbye in some way but I had a feeling that I was being UR as MIL has just lost her mum. Dh hasn't made a fuss btw he just answered when asked his op.

It's interesting because I can see, even as a third generation atheist, how much nicer and happier it would be to tell DD, when her other GPs pass, "they are in a better place, you will see them again in many, many years". I know why that would be a comfort. However, your DD will find her own way and part of that is letting her experience other people's ideas. Even at hard times.

Maid How can you be both I thought one excluded the other.
Corus The other option was a civil funeral so no ordained minister but not humanist just a professional civil celebrant no mention of God or anything. This humanist celebrant actual says something along the lines of we do not believe in another life, we believe that when we are gone we are gone we do not live on.
I can't express how much that it is untrue that my dds are not exposed to other faiths and people of no faith. Its hard to convey in writing but we really really are not like that. I have lots of friends from different backgrounds and therefore so does my dd we have Muslim friends other christain friends buddist etc and friends with no faith and we discussed the obvious differences in the faiths BUT as yet none of that has included the fact the heaven is not real. My concern is currently at 7 my dd believes that Granny is in heaven and someone saying there is no such thing would be difficult for her at this time.Plus Granny believed in heaven also.
longtall That has been my experience of humanist services also and I fully respect other peoples choice and for 2 of the 3 funerals I went to (I planned 1) a humanist service was the most appropriate.

mrs Thank you for understanding it is easier for her I think to bear and even (as my friend says) its just a lie that people tell themselves to feel better then it makes her feel better.
Corus Perhaps I could make a compliant afterwards but that really doesn't solve my dilemma and it would feel petty. Its not about encountering people in life generally who have different beliefs its about this precise time. Sort of like when you find out Santa isn't real you don't tell people who still believe on christmas eve. Yes she will have to deal with it eventually but not right now and not in this manner.
I have chosen not to let my dd to protect her, rightly or wrongly but what I feel is the best. My original AIBU was AIBU to avoid the wake and to be upset my dds cant come?

We have sort of talked about people not having any faith we have talked about why some people don't go to church but to be honest it hasn't really been an issue until now. Yes a civil ceremony was available but the humanist celebrant was picked because he was used at another funeral and MIL liked him (dd didn't know that person)

Regarding the humanist service, if the children ask I'd point out that it refers to the body. It is the end of the line, and some people believe we have a soul that goes to heaven and others don't.
I think that's fine.

Can u not just tell her some people dont believe in heaven but u and your dh granny did and shes in heaven now whatever anyone says. Also will she really listen to every word of sermon? Most 7 yr olds would be miles away in their heads during a service ...

I have called and they can't come at all no children allowed on the premises. I am also shocked by it but more shocked at MIL disregard for anyone other than herself my dh is hurting to. His mum was a single teen mum and they lived with his grandparents was very close to his nan.