I think I am

[flixybelle]

My dh gran died last week he was very very close to her as were our dcs
(I dont get on well with any of his family nothing major,but just not best friends.)
The funeral is in half term my dd (7) has asked to go. DH and I were undecided but then MIL announced that they were having a humanist funeral and as we are Christians thought it was probably best if our dcs didn't go as I think it's a bit confusing for them. (I was a bit put out that they are having a humanist funeral when my dh requested anything other than humanist as his family whilst not avid church goers believe in God and heaven etc and he felt it was a bit hypocritical and has automatically excluded my dds which they knew in advance it would.) No one was ever suggesting a religious service but a civil service instead. However we have just gone along with MIL wishes. As with every detail she has asked dh opinion and then disregarded it.

DH suggested that after the service I pick our dds up and bring them to the wake where we could have do balloons or lanterns release or whatever for them to say their goodbyes which is what we did for my Aunt when she died 2 weeks ago. MIL has now booked the wake at only pub in the whole area where children are not allowed the pub holds no special meaning to anyone its just a pub .
So I have said that I will attend the service but afterwards would rather be home with my dds than attend the wake (only said that to dh.) Plus childcare is a bit of an issue as my mum has an exam that day and no other family to look after them so friends will be having them.

So firstly AIBU in being annoyed that they have excluded my dds and secondly to not go to the wake? I think I am but I really really dont want to go.

I think, generally speaking, you should accept that your mil has just lost her mother and so She is probably feeling all sorts of emotions right now.
Perhaps some compassion and understanding would not go amiss?
You can remember your Dhs gran in whatever way you wish, please don't impose your feelings and beliefs on anyone else.
You can release balloons, lanterns whatever at home, or at a special place with some significance to your Dhs gran.
It's not about you, your dh or your dd I'm afraid. If you do not wish to go to the wake, then of course, don't go.
I am sorry for your loss.

I can see where you are coming from.

Perhaps mil doesn't think dd should attend at her age. Some people don't. Perhaps that's why she has made it so child unfriendly? Is mil a good grandmother in general?

I think let it go and perhaps let off balloons or something privately yourselves.

lweji That's perfect why didn't I think of that that makes sense, thank you. Maybe dh could speak to celebrant and ask that he is careful in his wording?
saoirse I didn't really want to have that conversation on the funeral day that's the part I think would be confusing.

OP, sorry about the pub situation, and sorry if my post sounded sharp, I didn't mean it to, it's only when I read it back to myself and hour after posting that I realised it sounded a bit harsh.

Sorry this is such a mess for you.

Badvoc I am in no way imposing my beliefs on anyone if I was I would be suggesting a church funeral and burial but I am not. I haven't spoken to MIL regarding funeral, I have all sorts of compassion. I was at the hospital on the night she died from 6pm-6am (only nipping home to put dd in bed) MIL has been here for dinner practically every night and I am the one who will be cleaning out the house etc. I have been nothing but supportive.
shew Thats what my mum said... suppose we will see. She's ok she loves my dds dearly and they adore her. However only if they are in no way an inconvenience to her life and plans. She never includes them in any plans, gatherings etc and I feel with Granny gone this will only get worse.

Treacle Thats ok it suprises me that there are pubs like this left tbh.

People deal with death differently. She may not want children around while she grieving, or maybe she doesn't want the grand kids to see her upset.

At both my great grandmas' funerals we had a great big party afterwards with music and spirits. When my grandma's die it'll probably be the same deal, and again when my parents die. Honestly, I was thrown for a loop with MIL's funeral where it was all gloom and doom the whole time.

Yes humanists explicitly do not believe in a god

I don't think that's true - I attended the wedding of a couple of religious humanists. I think it's not common but I see nothing in humanism - using the "human experience" (science/philosophy/whatever) to create a code for living our lives and seeking knowledge - that is necessarily inconsistent with belief in god.

I agree that if it's a private function in a separate room then children should be allowed but you could check on this. I'm not really in favour of young children attending funerals apart from in exceptional circumstances. But that is a personal view and I wouldn't expect anyone else to share it. As each family must do what is best for them.

Flixy....then continue to be so and let your mil bury her mother the way she wishes.

Are you sure that you are annoyed because of the arrangements? Couldn't it be part of your own grief at the passing of a family member?

I suspect you want to exercise control over death- but you can't , so you are trying to exert control over the next best thing, the funeral arrangement. Which isn't your place and you shouldn't even try and influence.

You need to relinquish control, let whatever feelings are there come.

Support your Mother in Law (who has lost her mother) best you can, and your husband and your children in whatever it is they want to do (why not let them go to the funeral if they want?). And recognise that you too in your way are grieving.