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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Little help

47 replies

Bellezeboobian · 28/05/2014 21:49

I have a 5yr old boy, his 'dad' has never seen him but offered financial help but I've never taken it

him or his family have never ever spoken to me

a couple of weeks ago his mum got in touch via facebook asking could they take him out

i refused but now apparently I'm unreasonable as they've never seen him and I should be facilitating the communication between him and his 'family'

If his 'nan' really wants to see him then I need to be there - I have said this although I don't really want him to see them anyway, but she isn't happy about it.

AIBU?

OP posts:
MrsWinnibago · 28/05/2014 21:52

Is there a reason why you've never introduced DS to his Grandparents? And why you've not taken financial help from the Father? I think you are correct in that your son needs to have you present when he spends time with his Gp...for quite some time too!

Original poster
Bellezeboobian · 28/05/2014 21:53

mrs they have never tried to initiated contact before. My ex-dp left before he was born as that was that. he got in touch a few years ago asking did I need any money and I said no, I didn't need it.

now all of a sudden they want contact, I'm not sure if it's because the 'GP' is ill.

It just makes me feel really uncomfortable :(

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MrsWinnibago · 28/05/2014 21:57

It would do Bellez it would do....I can only advise you to think very carefully. Your son could potentially gain something from a relationship with his GP so for the first move, in your shoes I would offer to meet up with them alone...not with DS...use this meeting a a sussing out period and go on your instincts.

If anything tells you to avoid them then do so. If you think they're ok...offer them to have lunch at your home and with you present. Let them know that the relationship wil be taken very slowly and they won;t be taking him out alone for quite some time.

Original poster
Bellezeboobian · 28/05/2014 22:01

I was thinking about a meeting prior, do you think this would be a good idea? I'm just worried about getting into an argument with them as the 'nan' (as she calls herself) has already tried to be quite volatile via facebook.

I don't want to jeopardise his relationship with his family at all, but he's never had them and is quite happy without them. I don't want to create such a disruption. I just feel they didn't care then, but now care for their own selfish reasons.

Such a hard position. Thankyou for replying mrswinnibago you've been a big help

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Original poster
Bellezeboobian · 28/05/2014 22:08

I'm actually crying now I can't cope with my little boy having to meet these people

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MrsWinnibago · 28/05/2014 22:11

How long have you been friends with them on FB? I wouldn't engage in that if you've never even met them!

If you think (or know) that they're bad people then just don't go there. There's no "having to" as far as your son goes.

Original poster
Bellezeboobian · 28/05/2014 22:13

They added me 2 weeks ago then began demanding contact. Never even met them.

I don't want to judge them because obviously facebook can be so onesided, but they don't seem the sort of people i want to engage with. just stupid stuff she posts and there's an awful lot of her arguing with people and sharing all that 'britain first' stuff.

They can't demand contact by law can they? I don't think they can but I'm worried

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basgetti · 28/05/2014 22:16

I would steer clear of them. They haven't bothered with your DS for 5 years, and they think that the way to approach you is to make demands and get nasty? If they had any interest in your son's welfare they would have made contact before now, and would have asked how they could meet DS in a controlled way that you supported. Tell them no.

basgetti · 28/05/2014 22:19

GPs don't have automatic legal rights. They may be able to get permission to make an application to court, but only if they can prove they have a pre-existing relationship with the child which isn't the case here.

ForeskinHyena · 28/05/2014 22:20

If they're the type to start kicking off on FB I can understand why you'd rather not have them around.

Also it could be awkward if your ex doesn't want a relationship with him and his family are trying to orchestrate that by stealth, accidentally bumping into him etc.

I would definitely sound out the 'nan' about her intentions, don't say too much, let her do the talking and she'll drop herself in it if she's trying to hide anything! This woman is a total stranger to your DS, but worse, she is also the mother of the man who didn't want anything to do with your DS.

It will be a really hard relationship to get right without causing harm to your DS's self esteem and if she doesn't seem like the type to be able to manage this then you have every right not to pursue it. I know some people get very het up about GP's rights, but as far as I'm concerned your DS comes first, not them, so you need to be sure they will bring something positive to his life.

Original poster
Bellezeboobian · 28/05/2014 22:21

Thankyou everyone. I was expecting YABU. I really want to say no.

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Original poster
Bellezeboobian · 28/05/2014 22:22

Exactly foreskin my DS is shy and timid at the best of times and isn't very forthcoming with new people. These swooping in saying they're grab and grandad and being demanding won't do him any good at all

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brdgrl · 28/05/2014 22:27

The way they have gone about it is dreadful, and I think you'd be mad to take your son to meet them. Sorry, this must be terribly upsetting and confusing. Don't allow them to pressure you. You stay in control.

Viviennemary · 28/05/2014 22:28

I wouldn't be keen. Still I supppose you will have to give them a chance. But absolutely don't let them take him away on his own. He must get to know them slowly and with you there. They shouldn't be demanding anything. Bit of a red flag this putting pressure on you.

ExcuseTypos · 28/05/2014 22:32

Thye have no rights and you can't be expected to just let your son go off with a couple of strangers(which is what the are to him).

The fact they think it would be ok to just "take him out" makes them sound rather stupid and not at all understanding of the situation from a child's point of view.

Original poster
Bellezeboobian · 28/05/2014 22:50

They're suggesting days out so it's not like they're proposing a nice sit down get to know you thing.

Thanks all. I just don't know what to type to them? I'm usually so strong with my words but this has just left me completely. I think I'm just shocked by it all.

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Bogeyface · 28/05/2014 22:56

If they had said "We would like to get to know our grandson, would that be ok? What do you think would be the best way to go about that?" then I would say YABU, give them a chance.

But they didnt. They have said that want to take him out without you and without giving a single thought to how he will feel. I rather suspect that if you said yes, take him out and the days was a disaster (inevitably) then they would lose interest again as he isnt playing the part of a devoted grandchild.

For his sake, say no. They didnt explain themselves when they didnt want to know him for 5 years, you dont have to explain yourself now.

Ime, sadly extensive experience with H's family, it doesnt take much for them to drop the flavour of the month when they dont fit in. Any imagined slight or not behaving as they decided you would is enough. No No No.

Bogeyface · 28/05/2014 22:57

Dont reply. Delete and block.

They will probably message you from someone elses FB account, so just keep deleting and blocking.

Original poster
Bellezeboobian · 28/05/2014 23:00

You've just wrote all my fears down exactly bogey and that's exactly what I think they'll do. They've taken to sharing photos of my son writing 'our darling grandson' and their friends have commented Hmm feel like sayin they've never even seen him and didn't give a shit when he was born or 1,2,3 or 4!

In going to block them now.

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fifi669 · 28/05/2014 23:14

Bollocks to that! Complete strangers demanding access to your DC? Who do they think they are?

I live in a small town, all of ex's family live here, all had open invitations to see DS. Two brothers took it up and we see them and their kids a few times a year. The rest (including ex) haven't bothered. If they turned around now and demanded access I'd tear them a new one.

Bogeyface · 28/05/2014 23:14

I have to admit that I am not a "sit on my hands" person so I would probably respond with "Would this be the darling grandson that your son abandoned while I was still pregnant and you never troubled yourself to enquire about?" and then delete and block.

But thats why I get into such trouble, I dont recommend it :o

Original poster
Bellezeboobian · 28/05/2014 23:18

That's exactly what I would usually do bogey I'm the sort who gets in shall we say bother, but this has shocked me with the audacity. At first I was angry and had to refrain from saying exactly the sort of thing you did l, now I've blocked them I'm dying to tell them why. No doubt I will have to at a later stage when they see that I have.

I just had to be clear I wasn't unreasonable I think. I didn't want my heart to overrule my head. Now I know I'm right I'm happy Wink

Feck them. And thanks!

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Original poster
Bellezeboobian · 28/05/2014 23:19

fifi that's crap! My town isn't the bigger but big enough to avoid like the plague

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Bogeyface · 28/05/2014 23:22

Belle whenever they get in touch think "WWMN"? What Would MN Do? And then ask before firing off at them. I do and it has helped me from not losing my cool and looking the bigger fool! For those of us prone to knee jerk reactions, posting on here and waiting for replies gives us the cooling down time we need!

BitOutOfPractice · 28/05/2014 23:22

I think it's unreasonable of them to go from no contact for years bto taking him out all in one fell swoop. It needs them to handle it much more carefully than that.

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