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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to talk to my mum until she apologises?

52 replies

ziggy13 · 28/05/2014 11:53

It's quite a long story so I will try and keep it short. Basically my mother doesn't like my DH and his family and never has. She is rude to DH, rude to DSS(15) and rude to my FIL. It's been going for years but finally came to head over the weekend with something she said to my FIL and I am refusing to engage with her until she apologises him.

DSS(15) and my DS1(15) had planned to spend last Sunday night at my FIL's house and this had been arranged for weeks. My mum rang last week and said she would be coming to visit on the Sunday and i told her DS1 wouldn't be there as he would be at FIL's house for the day and the night and she was totally fine about it over the phone.

Anyway on Sunday morning she turn up just as FIL did to pick the boys up and she was in such a mood about it saying things like she hardly ever sees her grandson (her choice btw) and could he not even be bothered to spend a day with her. Anyway just as the were leaving she said to FIL something along the lines of 'I don't know why you want to take my grandson, he isn't even related to you. I find it really strange you want to spend the night with a random teenager' which was followed by 'are you some sort of pervert or something'!

This was in front of DH, FIL, both the older boys, DS2(4) and DS3(2). I think she was completely out of order. FIL does loads for her grandson and they have a really nice relationship and the poor man was really upset about the whole thing and i personally thing he deserves an apology.

Anyway my sister rang up today to shout at me and say i was being really unreasonable, really unfair on mum and that she agreed the FIL was 'a bit weird' to want to spend time with someone who isn't his biological grandson.

So AIBU? I really don't think I am tbh but would appreciate others opinions.

OP posts:
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 28/05/2014 11:56

YANBU at all. Your mum was bang out of order and should apologise for sure - and your sister is the wierd one for agreeing with her.

Your mum was just jealous and acted like a jealous kid.

SallyMcgally · 28/05/2014 11:57

YANBU. Thoroughly unpleasant behaviour on your mother's part. It's lovely of your FIL to spend time with your son. If he didn't you can be sure he'd be being slated for not treating him the same as his biological grandchildren. Your sister needs to grow up as well.

Catnuzzle · 28/05/2014 11:58

YADNBU

minniemagoo · 28/05/2014 11:59

That's horrendous behaviour, not to mention small minded and IMO dangerous from your mother and sister. I am assuming from the ages of your other children this man is in your DS(15) life for at least 5 years not to mention entertaining 1 15 year old is imo harder than having 2 for your FIL.
I would be livid and really feel for your poor FIL.
Definitely YANBU!

IDugUpADiamond · 28/05/2014 11:59

What a nasty thing to say. Your mum and your sister sound jealous. Your FIL sounds lovely, treating your DSS like what he is, a part of the family. Are your mum and sister always this nasty?

Morgause · 28/05/2014 11:59

YA so NBU

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 28/05/2014 12:00

She accused your FIL of abusing your ds Shock she owes him a huge apology!

Family is not down to genetics, and it sounds like FIL is a good un. Your mother said the most appalling thing she could think of. I would be disgusted and ashamed at her behaviour. YADNBU. Your dsis was probably fed a "poor me" line without all the facts and went off half-cocked. No rational person would think this was acceptable.

yellowdinosauragain · 28/05/2014 12:00

Yanbu. Your mum was beyond unreasonable and I'd have nothing to do with her until she apologised in person or in writing to me, fil, and ds1.

Unless she's usually unreasonable I'd cut your sister some slack because she's only had your mum's side of the story which, if she thinks her comment was reasonable and appropriate, is clearly not going to be representative of what actually happened is it?

YouAreCompletelyRight · 28/05/2014 12:01

YANBU

Your FIL sounds normal.

CoffeeTea103 · 28/05/2014 12:02

Yanbu Shock I don't blame you if you never want to speak to her again.

DenzelWashington · 28/05/2014 12:04

Do speak to your FIl to reassure him you don't give your mother's revolting insinuations any mind, he's probably quite shaken.

tryingtocatchthewind · 28/05/2014 12:05

Your mum is being unreasonable, she should be happy that your FIL is treating his step grandson exactly the same as his biological grandson.

QuintessentiallyQS · 28/05/2014 12:05

Blimey, your mother is not really bothered about her own grandchild, and she lashes out and insults a man who is treating both children as family? She is way out of line, and probably embarrassed that SHE does not have the same good relationship with your son.

BitOutOfPractice · 28/05/2014 12:05

IME a lot of older people have this ridiculous notion about family being ony blood relations. Yes xMiL I am looking at you and remembering you ordering me to cut off my nephew when my BiL and SiL split because he was her son from a previous relationship

It is not only ludicrous, it is also really really hurtful

Add to that the implication that your FiL is a pervert and yes, she soes owe him an apology.

Somehow I doubt you'll get one though Sad

QuintessentiallyQS · 28/05/2014 12:06

I bet she has not told your sister the full story.

Purpleroxy · 28/05/2014 12:06

Your ds is not a random teenager to fil. Your ds and your dh's ds are step brother and are living as siblings so a joint visit to FIL is perfectly reasonably. FIL is his step granddad anyway.

Your mum seems to have issues with her behaviour. She is mouthing off like a selfish drama queen. If she really thought that FIL was a pervert then she would presumably have taken action to stop her grandson being in the clutches of such a man. But no, she knows very well that FIL isn't a pervert, she was just mouthing off and being a pain.

Firstly I would straighten things out with your sister. She sounds like she has been poisoned by your mum.

I think a person like your mum will not apologise to FIL, even if asked. So I wouldn't bother with that. I would apologise to FIL for your mums behaviour and say that you are trying to talk to her.

Re your mum, I would try to get her to see sense and if she can't then I would reduce contact, without ignoring her or cutting contact.

Nocomet · 28/05/2014 12:08

YANBU
What a ridiculous thing to say!

Apart from the obvious fact, that FIL is simply hosting two 15y boys and consequently likely actually to see very little of either of them.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 28/05/2014 12:08

Soooooooooo NOT Unreasonable.

By her theory, my ex FIL must be a pervert for taking my DD swimming as my DD is only their adopted Granddaughter.

I'd be inclined never to speak to her again.

wowfudge · 28/05/2014 12:12

You are better off without her if that's how she behaves. Appalling of her. It sounds as though she is jealous your family. As for your sister - I'd be telling her she needs to be sure of her facts before she rings you up shouting the odds when it is your DM who should be ashamed of herself.

FunkyBoldRibena · 28/05/2014 12:13

Of course she owes him [and you all an apology]. What a nasty piece of work.

EmptyNestAgain · 28/05/2014 12:14

YADNBU.
Your mum has been totally offensive. She's also shown herself up in front of both your sons. Teenagers this age usually have a clearly defined idea of right and wrong. She's definitely shot herself in the foot!

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 28/05/2014 12:15

YANBU. I'm not sure I could ever forgive that sort of accusation, especially as it sounds like any apology from your mother wont be genuine. Certainly not now she's got your sister on side and agreeing with her. I'd give them both a wide berth. I couldn't have someone like them round my children.

thegreylady · 28/05/2014 12:16

Gosh we are all perverts here in my wonderful blended family! Dh and I think of all the dgc as ours not his and hers and would never dream of only taking 'blood' dgc for treats. I love my 16 year old dsgs and my dh loves my 14 year old dgd and thank goodness we do. YANBU but your mother is.

PrincessBabyCat · 28/05/2014 12:19

Way out of line. Yes, if she believed that she'd be contacting the authorities. She's just having a go at him.

If someone did that to me, I wouldn't be talking to them either. Your poor DS got singled out at the same time, and she owes an apology to him as well. Of course he's family to FIL.

popmimiboo · 28/05/2014 12:21

Of course YANBU. I'd be concerned about how your FIL is feeling now. He might be fine but could have taken it to heart and be quite upset.
I doubt your mum will want to "lose face" by apologising but at least make sure she knows how disgusted your are and make sure you have a quick word to reassure FIL that you think she was out of order.
Your sister has only had your mum's version of the story so a calm chat with her wouldn't go amiss either!