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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to talk to my mum until she apologises?

52 replies

ziggy13 · 28/05/2014 11:53

It's quite a long story so I will try and keep it short. Basically my mother doesn't like my DH and his family and never has. She is rude to DH, rude to DSS(15) and rude to my FIL. It's been going for years but finally came to head over the weekend with something she said to my FIL and I am refusing to engage with her until she apologises him.

DSS(15) and my DS1(15) had planned to spend last Sunday night at my FIL's house and this had been arranged for weeks. My mum rang last week and said she would be coming to visit on the Sunday and i told her DS1 wouldn't be there as he would be at FIL's house for the day and the night and she was totally fine about it over the phone.

Anyway on Sunday morning she turn up just as FIL did to pick the boys up and she was in such a mood about it saying things like she hardly ever sees her grandson (her choice btw) and could he not even be bothered to spend a day with her. Anyway just as the were leaving she said to FIL something along the lines of 'I don't know why you want to take my grandson, he isn't even related to you. I find it really strange you want to spend the night with a random teenager' which was followed by 'are you some sort of pervert or something'!

This was in front of DH, FIL, both the older boys, DS2(4) and DS3(2). I think she was completely out of order. FIL does loads for her grandson and they have a really nice relationship and the poor man was really upset about the whole thing and i personally thing he deserves an apology.

Anyway my sister rang up today to shout at me and say i was being really unreasonable, really unfair on mum and that she agreed the FIL was 'a bit weird' to want to spend time with someone who isn't his biological grandson.

So AIBU? I really don't think I am tbh but would appreciate others opinions.

OP posts:
FourForksAche · 28/05/2014 12:21

Yanbu, your mum definitely should apologise, so should your sister for having a go.

Viviennemary · 28/05/2014 12:26

I don't get this apologise or else business. Tell her she isn't welcome till her behaviour improves. In a tactful way if possible!

IDugUpADiamond · 28/05/2014 12:32

I don't get that the sister deserves some slack because she only had one side of the story. Precisely for that very reason she shouldn't have had a go at OP before hearing the other side. Idiot.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 28/05/2014 12:34

So your mum's response is to start the hysterics and involve other people, basically hoping to create such a shitstorm that you forget about her appalling behaviour and back down, right?

Hit right back twice as hard. Tell your sis exactly what she said, how shocked and upset all YOUR family are and tell her not to even BOTHER attacking you on this as you're seriously considering cutting contact completely. Accusing your children's grandfather of being a paedophile? Serious stuff.

Hopefully that will stop your sister right in her tracks and give your mum the shock she needs. She's behaved terribly. In your shoes I really wouldn't want her round any of your children.

Bogeyface · 28/05/2014 12:38

Your FIL threw a spotlight on her own shitty behaviour to your DSS and thats why she kicked off, if he engages fully with your son then it makes her look bad.

I wouldnt bother speaking to her again even if she did apologise, horrible woman.

5Foot5 · 28/05/2014 12:41

IME a lot of older people have this ridiculous notion about family being ony blood relations.

But certainly not all. When my BIL re-married his wife had a son already a teenager. My PIL (who are in their 80s now) have always treated him exactly like their other grandchildren and he even refers to them as Grandma and Grandad now.

Shakirasma · 28/05/2014 12:44

I agree with Viviennemary, an apology is not enough to earn forgiveness, a total change in behaviour is what is needed.

However she sounds toxic, I don't think I personally would let her back into my home ever agin. If your want to stay in contact with her then you can visit her but I don't think you should inflict her upon your DH and his family in his own home ever agin. He must be mortified about what she said to his father.

Rhine · 28/05/2014 12:45

I think perhaps what has really rattled your DM is that your FIL is actually more of a grandparent to your son that she's ever been. Calling someone a perfert is a horribly offensive and could cause a lot of problems as a consequence. YANBU!!!!

AlwaysHopeful · 28/05/2014 12:49

Horrible behaviour from your mum. absolutely Ynbu. And your sister is out of order too. That sucks

BitOutOfPractice · 28/05/2014 12:57

5fott5 obviously not all. The OP's FiL is a case in point. That's why I didn't say all. But many do

CrazyCatLady13 · 28/05/2014 13:01

Families are not just made of blood - it's fantastic that your FIL shows such care and interest in his step-grandchildren. It's definitely your mother in the wrong here.

wheresthelight · 28/05/2014 13:10

Wow your mum is a real charmer!!! Your poor fil! I hope he isn't too hurt by it all!

Your mum definitely owes him a huge apology but to behonest he wwon't get it but I would point out to him, your mum and your sister that her behaviour was deplorable and until she apologises for her comments you will be having nothing to do with her and neither will your kids.

My parents have "adopted" my dsc's as their grandchildren and treat them no differently to how they treat my dd. Dss is 10, dsd is 8 and they love spending the night at my parents house cos they have 2 border collies who make the biggest fuss ever of the kids and they love taking them for walks and 'hunting for tiger's with my dad (he is a complete loon and tries to convince any child that tigers live in trees). In fact my whole family have taken to them as part of our family.

Original poster
ziggy13 · 28/05/2014 13:13

Thanks everyone, i didn't think i was being unreasonable. I agree with people who said that about the idea that family have to be blood. She has never considered DSS as family and DH refuses to let him visit there now because of it (the last time we went she bought all her 'real grandchildren' some sweets and said DSS couldn't have any)

I have spoken to FIL and he is still upset and i feel really awful about the whole thing. He still had the boys for the night and they all had a great time but I know both he and DS are still quite hurt about the whole thing.

She is also really jealous about the relationship that FIL has with all the boys and he spends a lot time with them and they all get on really well. My mother makes very little effort with them (which is fine if thats what she wants) but then she can't really expect a close relationship with them.

My sister knew what was said and did say that she shouldn't have said it out loud but she has a similar view as my mum regarding blood relations. She doesn't see DSS as her nephew because he has his 'own family'

TBH i think i am going to stop visits. If she wants to see me then I will visit. She is my mum and still love her. However her rudeness to my DH and our family is getting ridiculous.

OP posts:
EmptyNestAgain · 28/05/2014 13:59

the last time we went she bought all her 'real grandchildren' some sweets and said DSS couldn't have any
WTF? Outbloodyrageous!

IDugUpADiamond · 28/05/2014 14:05

What a horrible person OP, that's just evil

ShakesBootyFlabWobbles · 28/05/2014 14:06

the last time we went she bought all her 'real grandchildren' some sweets and said DSS couldn't have any
This is truly appalling behaviour. Shock Sad

Sounds like some ground rules need to be discussed and if she won't stop treating DSS so badly then you are going to have to put his needs first.

YANBU and your FIL deserves an apology, her comments were out of line.

Thumbwitch · 28/05/2014 14:12

Your mother and sister sound like really small-minded unpleasant people. tbh. Your FIL, otoh, sounds like a lovely man and I know which of them I'd rather stay in contact with!

YANBU in the slightest. Stick to your guns and if she won't apologise, well that's her loss.

I'm disgusted at her petty point scoring, and her horrible behaviour to your DSS as well. :(

Hissy · 28/05/2014 14:41

I would hope that if your DSS was treated so shittily by anyone that you would bollock her for being such a bitch, and remind her how she'd feel if someone treated her GS like that.

She is NOT a positive influence in your family, she is not a 'friend of the family' either, so unless she accepts your DC/DSC as a package then it's best that she keeps herself to herself.

QueenofallIsee · 28/05/2014 14:44

I am not an advocate of it usually but my view is bugger the apology and cut her off. She is disgusting.

minibmw2010 · 28/05/2014 15:10

What did you say to her at the time? Did you make it clear she was out of order? I hope you and DH reassured FIL?

TheHorseHasBolted · 28/05/2014 15:30

YANBU, she was extremely rude and I wouldn't want her coming round again until she has made amends in some meaningful way.

FWIW, some friends of mine have just had their teenage grandson and his friend to stay for the weekend. Nobody saw them as pervy because they invited a teenager who wasn't a relative. Isn't a teenager who isn't a blood relative but has been related by marriage for years even more "part of the family" than a friend?

PrincessBabyCat · 28/05/2014 15:54

the last time we went she bought all her 'real grandchildren' some sweets and said DSS couldn't have any

Sad That poor kid.

Your mom is a bitch.

What's this "real family" crap that goes on with -some- blended families? Every marriage (or even serious relationship) in my family, the previous kids are now ours just like our blood relatives.

thegreylady · 28/05/2014 16:05

I married dh in 1988 and my Mum went for 2 dgc to 5 overnight. She never made a difference between them in terms of Christmas and birthdays. I won't pretend she loved them the same but she certainly treated them the same as did my dad and dh's Mum.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 28/05/2014 16:07

Dear Christ. That makes me a pervert for allowing DD's friends to stop overnight.

OP: Once you've reassured your poor FIL, I think it might be in order for him to write to your DM demanding an apology in writing. What she's done is slander him in front of witnesses. This time it's just in front of family. Unless she's stamped on hard, she might say it again in front of a wider audience.

OnaPromise · 28/05/2014 16:08

Shocking, nasty behaviour. I wouldn't be speaking to her either.