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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Selling long term family home.

56 replies

Agggghast · 28/05/2014 05:23

I live in a beautiful but isolated house on a sea road. My late DH and I bought it when it was derelict ( one cold water tap for the first 2 months) and gradually turned it into our dream home. All three of my DC lived here all their lives but are all now at university and none of them intend to return to this lovely but isolated area to live full time. Gradually over the past years all the houses close to mine have become holiday homes.

During the terrible weather over the winter I became increasingly aware of how isolated I am and the past few bank holidays,when the nearest houses have been occupied, has highlighted this. I now feel I would like to sell up and move on but when I mentioned this to my DC they were visibly upset. I entirely understand their feelings but I just can't get my worry about the location out of my mind. I also remember the moaning about the location we heard before they passed their driving tests!

WIBU to move despite their wishes? Part of me feels this is the past not the future but the other part feels I would almost be turning my back on the happy memories of my marriage/ their childhood.

OP posts:

Hairylegs47 · 28/05/2014 05:31

You aren't turning your back on the wonderful memories of the past at all. You are being practical, what happens if you can't drive for some reason? As you get older, so the likelyhood of this is almost a certainty. If you sell now, it's not because you have to, it's because you want to live a little - who knows, it may be a lot depending on the sale price - before you get too old to be able to.

meisiemee · 28/05/2014 05:48

Your DC will naturally be upset to them it's all the memories and they probably thought you would live there forever. However if you told them how lonely it was for you now, they will come round and understand. You do what you have to do, you still have your life ahead of you and they theirs, they could buy it back one day! All the best

HauntedNoddyCar · 28/05/2014 06:01

Yanbu. Actually I think you are very sensible. Yes your dc will feel like you're selling their childhood but you aren't a curator of the museum of them.

I suppose it is harder for them if it is something you and their father renovated as it's such a link to him but it isn't fair on you.

Unless there's some way for all of them to buy it off you then they will have to accept it.

Original poster

Agggghast · 28/05/2014 06:06

It is not so much that I am lonely but I feel vulnerable, if I was ill/ visited by a mad axe murderer/ bad storm it would be very difficult. I would like to move into the same village where I am closer to bus/shop/pub! Plus it would release equity which would allow my DC to purchase flats and get them on the property ladder. But I don't want to upset them more than they have already been and I do feel guilty that yet another village home would become a holiday home.

OP posts:

paxtecum · 28/05/2014 06:14

OP: I'm early 60s and sold the family home a few years after getting divorced and buying my XH out of the house.
I do realise that yours was a happier marriage than mine, but my DCs all had happy memories from their childhood in that house.
Moving was easier than I thought it would. I didn't and don't yearn to live there again.
In your case the community that you live in has practically gone and it is time for you to move and get on with your life, like they are getting on with their lives.

Think hard about where you want to live, size of garden and number of bedrooms, taking into account that in the future you may have grandchildren visting.

A week after I moved from the family home my DD told me that when she thought of me, she thought of me in my new house rather than the family house.
No doubt you have photos of the house and location, that the DCs could have, or you could get someone to do a painting of the house.

I'm saying all this presuming that your DH passed more than a year ago.

Good luck with the house hunt.

GnomeDePlume · 28/05/2014 06:50

My DM moved away from what had been our family home and town a few years after DF died. I know that my older brother was upset by this. He had entertained fantasies of returning to this house and buying it off DM.

Now a few years further on he is looking to move to be near to where DM now lives.

He still has strong feelings for the old house but I think recognises that they are not necessarily rational.

In my rambling way I am trying to say that while your DCs may be upset they will get over it. Some of their strong feelings now are perhaps a sign of just how good their memories are. Another thing is that selling the family home is an indicator of their own lives moving along.

TheOriginalWinkly · 28/05/2014 06:57

So what if your adult children are upset? You have to live your life for you. Yes I was a little upset when my parents sold our family home, but I knew moving was the right thing for them. Plus you'll make new family memories in your new home - we've had parties in the garden in the new house which we never could have in the old one, got ready for DDis' s wedding in the new house etc etc.

Think of yourself for once! People that love you will support you.

Original poster

Agggghast · 28/05/2014 07:10

Thank you all, I think it is rationally the best move. Even if DH was alive I think we would be considering moving. 6 bedrooms is too much for one woman and her dog! Although DS and DD2 are still home for the holidays so I would need a 3/4 bed roomed property. If I am going to sell this is the time, what looks idyllic on a balmy summer's day is less appealing in a gale! Thanks for support sometimes it helps to have the advice of cool heads.

OP posts:

madasa · 28/05/2014 07:23

My daughter reacted like this when I announced I wanted to move. She was 19 and away at university with her own life. She did however say 'mum you've done everything for me, it's time for you to do what you want now' when she'd thought about it.

I moved....she coped.

Waltonswatcher1 · 28/05/2014 07:36

It's always hard .
I empathise .
You are being sensible .
Do it and open your world to new happy times .

FishWithABicycle · 28/05/2014 07:41

YANBU at all, it is your life and your decision.

Your children want to be able to visit their childhood home, but not live there. They don't have the right to force you to live there all year around if they don't want to.

Might you have the means to turn the property into a holiday rental place which you could hire out to create an income stream for you, and then move to a manageable flat somewhere where you feel more comfortable?

You could then all go and stay there yourselves over Christmas so that your grownup children can still visit the family home they love.

If that won't work then by all means just sell up - it's your life.

Groovee · 28/05/2014 08:01

At least you've told them. The first I knew was when my friend told me my mum and dad's neighbours was up for sale. Searched the local website and it was my mum and dad's up for sale too!

They'd bought a new house without telling us!

Mrsjayy · 28/05/2014 08:05

Tell your adult chikdren they are welcome to buy it if they want , they are being nostalgic and a wee bit selfish your happiness is priority here sell it move on and be happy

littledrummergirl · 28/05/2014 08:27

My mil sold her family home just over a year ago. She grew up in it as well!

Her reasons were similar, she was finding it difficult to reach transport links and feeling increasingly issolated as her friends sold up.
She was needing to rely on friends as her dc have moved away(my bad).

She bought a flat in a retirement complex with a manager on site and 24hr monitoring. The local bus stops outside as does the supermarket shopper. She can walk to her village shops and church. She sees more of her friends.

She is happy and it was the best thing she could have done.

One thing I have learnt is that it is important to say a proper goodbye to the family home for everybody. It closes the chapter.

She has two bedrooms so we still go and visit.

Beardlover · 28/05/2014 08:34

Moving is best. Also the upkeep of a bigger house is more - repairs, cleaning etc. Smaller modernish building will cheaper to run and closer to support network.

AgathaF · 28/05/2014 08:34

Do what's right for you. They will adjust.

Mrsjayy · 28/05/2014 08:41

My aunt and uncle are rattiling about it a huge house so their children have somewhere to sleep when they visit as the dd likes her own room she is in her 30s its ridiculous

Suttonmum1 · 28/05/2014 08:42

I think it is important to do this sort of move as early as you can, so you are fit and healthy enough to take on new projects in the new home. Wish my parrents would downsize.

Thenapoleonofcrime · 28/05/2014 08:52

Your reasons for moving are all very sensible, I've found elderly relatives that live somewhere isolated and need a car have found it much harder as they get older- you can't just go for a walk and see people, pick up some groceries and so on. It's not necessarily about being dependent yet, just the ease and sociability of life.

Your children are having an initial reaction, it's emotional not rational. Talk to them individually and explain your thinking. I'm sure they will see that it is about what is best for you. They may not realise you need to move on in your life, and think you will be there forever, good old mum, cooking delicious suppers for when they visit every few months. That's not really a life for you though and you mustn't feel guilty about moving.

I didn't want my mum to sell, it's kind of final, like you can never go back. It's normal to be sad about the passing of time.

whois · 28/05/2014 08:55

WIBU to move despite their wishes?

Absolutely not! Unless they are planning to come and live with you and keep you company?!!

Of course they will be upset, selling a happy family home with links to your DH will be a big deal. But rationaly they must understand it isn't suitable for you anymore and they should want you to be happy.

KeinBock · 28/05/2014 09:08

How long would it take until one/all of your dc were in a position to buy the house from you? If it's in a good location, perhaps you could rent out your house as a holiday let, and then rent a smaller house in the village to live in? Then, when your children are able to, they could buy the house? Just a thought, might be completely impractical!

Original poster

Agggghast · 28/05/2014 09:12

I am only in my, very early, 50's so it is not urgent I am closer to the village. I work full time and drive/ cycle but I do worry about emergencies. In bad weather/high tide I am about a mile from the nearest occupied house. Plus it is huge, 6 bedrooms and 5 receptions, so I spend a lot of my weekends dusting empty rooms. I love this house, it was a small cottage plus boatshed when we bought it and is now gorgeous but simply not suitable for my current lifestyle. I am so torn, this house was a work of love and DH and I devoted a huge amount of effort/ money to it and it became the perfect family home. But that season has past and now I feel it is time to allow another rich London family to use our home a few times a year, seriously though life is too short to spend it dusting!

OP posts:

Helpys · 28/05/2014 09:19

It sounds idyllic, but very impractical. Could you rent it out for holiday lets and rent somewhere tiny? You'd still have the space for high days and holidays.

honeykitten · 28/05/2014 09:24

I don't know, I can see their point a little more than some. My dad sold our family home when I left to go to university and it was hugely unsettling in a way that's hard to explain.

In my case, though, he bought a house to live in with another woman and I wasn't welcome! Also, the house was very tied up with having lost my mum at 14.

I do think if I ever get ridiculously rich, I'll buy that house back :)

I would do it, but try, if you can, to buy somewhere the DCs will be happy with too x

Mrsjayy · 28/05/2014 09:30

Your house sounds beautiful lots of hard work and memories in it could you let it out if you dont feel ready to sell but you are right life is far to short to be dusting

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