Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Selling long term family home.

56 replies

Agggghast · 28/05/2014 05:23

I live in a beautiful but isolated house on a sea road. My late DH and I bought it when it was derelict ( one cold water tap for the first 2 months) and gradually turned it into our dream home. All three of my DC lived here all their lives but are all now at university and none of them intend to return to this lovely but isolated area to live full time. Gradually over the past years all the houses close to mine have become holiday homes.

During the terrible weather over the winter I became increasingly aware of how isolated I am and the past few bank holidays,when the nearest houses have been occupied, has highlighted this. I now feel I would like to sell up and move on but when I mentioned this to my DC they were visibly upset. I entirely understand their feelings but I just can't get my worry about the location out of my mind. I also remember the moaning about the location we heard before they passed their driving tests!

WIBU to move despite their wishes? Part of me feels this is the past not the future but the other part feels I would almost be turning my back on the happy memories of my marriage/ their childhood.

OP posts:
Trooperslane · 28/05/2014 09:34

YADNBU.

Your house, yours to do with what you will.

I wish my DM had done this. The house was way too much for her bit she wouldn't sell it because it was 'ours'

I'd have loved her to be closer to society and shops - would have made her last years much less isolated and happier.

HmmConfused

Andrewofgg · 28/05/2014 10:01

My DSis and her OH sold a lovely house up a remote track and bought a suburban box because the old house had been a great place to bring up their DCs but was not a place to grow old in. They were then about 66. And they were right.

Objection · 28/05/2014 10:05

Is there a scope to keep it on and live somewhere else?
Perhaps loosen up some money by remortgaging and let it out?
It seems a shame to lose the house you built with your DH
[Flowers] tough decision

LoveBeingInTheSun · 28/05/2014 10:09

Their emotions are about more than just bricks. My mum is selling our old family home and my dad passed away a few years ago. It's too much for her and much as I would love to keep it in our family we can't. It's time for you to move and start anew journey

thegreylady · 28/05/2014 10:16

You need to move. Give them the option to club together and buy it as a family holiday home. Ask them what they see happening to it when you are gone. You need to consider your own comfort and happiness. Tell your dc that they will always have 'home' wherever you are and no one can take away the memories.

Original poster
Agggghast · 28/05/2014 10:31

Sadly it is unlikely any of the DC's would ever be able to afford to buy the house. Not only has it rocketed in value, we paid £18,325 in 1985, so proud we argued the vendors down from £18,500, but the village has changed from a fishing village to a trendy tourist place. 15 years ago our nearest neighbours were a longshoreman and a boat builder now they are a MP and a businessman who turn up 3/6 weeks a year. I could buy a house in the village and have a substantial amount for the DC to use as deposits which would be great plus I would have neighbours. Rationally it is a no brainier, it is just the memories but they don't disappear when the house goes.

OP posts:
specialsubject · 28/05/2014 10:31

sell it and move. Time your kids grew up.

they sound about 15. Clearly they are not if the moaning before driving tests is in the past.

good luck in your house hunt and new home.

happyyonisleepyyoni · 28/05/2014 10:38

OP, it may be that the house is connected with your DC's memories of their father and they feel that by losing the house, they will lose an important link with him too.

ChickenFajitasAndNachos · 28/05/2014 10:40

I think you have made the right decision in deciding to move. I know my story isn't the same but My DH and his family have spent almost 10 years trying to encourage his DM to downsizes and live somewhere with better transport links. She has finally accepted a move is the best thing for her, she is 79 and finding it extremely stressful and said she wished she had done it 10 years ago. The village sounds like it has a lot more to offer you all year round. All the best in your new home.

Original poster
Agggghast · 28/05/2014 10:47

That is unfair, they have been clear in not being against it, they just look so sad, sorry if I gave the wrong impression. Indeed part of the problem is they are so focused on supporting me I don't always get what they really feel. They were with me through my cancer and then their dad died suddenly, then my eldest Dd had cancer herself all in 18 months. They are wonderful so the issue is more about me not wanting to upset them. They would just suffer in silence.

OP posts:
Jinsei · 28/05/2014 10:51

OP, I was gutted when my parents said that they were going to sell my childhood home a few years ago. I was very attached to the house and I couldn't imagine not being able to go back. I tried very hard not to show my parents that I was upset, but I suspect that they knew anyway.

However, it was the right thing for them to do, and I coped. A few years on, I haven't lost the lovely memories that I had of my childhood. A house is just bricks and mortar, at the end of the day. The happiness and wellbeing of my parents is far more important.

LemonSquares · 28/05/2014 11:02

I think do it now early 50's before the whole idea becomes to much - this year or in next few.

IL were trying to but housing market dropped and now few years later the whole idea is a bit too much for them – not sure why as they are not old but it is. Same with my parents there are in an isolated place but now whole idea of moving seems to much - which is worrying as if they can't drive for any reason they would be very stuck.

There might be a few moments of sadness now - but give them a few years and they'll be relieved you did it without having to try and talk you into it or spending a lot of time worrying.

I also think when ever you did do it they would still be a bit sad.

Charley50 · 28/05/2014 11:09

I'd gather together and sit down as a family and really look seriously at the options to see if it's possible for it to be bought by the children, or part bought so that you could buy your new home outright but they could keep their childhood home. Seems these days it is sensible to accumulate property if possible rather than swap one for another.. Although you mentioned helping them with deposits. If this really isn't doable move on and give your home a good
send off; e.g special family gathering talking of happy memories with your DH their DF.
In my family bad decisions have been made about property because of negative emotions. I think emotion plays a part but your quality of life and smart financial decisions scones first.

ChunkyPickle · 28/05/2014 11:09

YADNBU - in fact my MIL had an exploratory conversation with me to feel out how DP would feel about her doing the same in the not too distant future.

I told her that he would be fine with it (he would) - she needs to be closer to town in a smaller house so she's not forever cleaning, or spending ages getting to shops, friends etc. It's completely reasonable, understandable, and whilst it will certainly be a bit sad that's no reason to tie yourself to the place forever.

Helpys · 28/05/2014 11:11

It sounds idyllic, but very impractical. Could you rent it out for holiday lets and rent somewhere tiny? You'd still have the space for high days and holidays.

Beavie · 28/05/2014 11:17

My parents divorced when I was 23 and sold the farmhouse that had been in my family for over 100 years. I'd grown up there, knew every inch of the house and land, and I thought I would be devastated at not ever being able to go back there. But do you know what, when the time came, I really didn't give a shit. It's only a house. And Deborah meaden is very happy there now .

If you think you would be happier elsewhere, then move. Your kids should respect that.

CarmineRose1978 · 28/05/2014 12:29

My mum died four years ago (aged 56), and then last year, my brother died (aged 37). I live about 200 miles away, and don't go home much because I get really sad being surrounded by my mum's things at our old family home. A couple of months after my brother died, my dad told me was thinking about moving a little nearer to my sister-in-law so as to me near his granddaughter (my niece, who is five). But I discouraged him, saying he should wait at least six months because it's not good to make life-changing decisions so soon after a bereavement. It's only now that I realise how selfish and reactionary I was being - I was thinking about him, I just didn't want things to change any more than they already had. Even though I could/can barely stand to go home and be reminded of my losses, I didn't think about how he has to live with those reminders every day.

Your kids probably don't have any idea what it must be like for you - I hope that when they have had time to think about it, they'll be a little less selfish than I was.

CarmineRose1978 · 28/05/2014 12:32

Typos! He was thinking of moving to be close to his granddaughter, and I wasn't thinking about him. No matter how many times I proofread, I still miss things!

melika · 28/05/2014 13:02

It's not them who has to live there, go for it. Sell up and make sure you have a spare room/s if they want to stay. I don't blame you wanting to be closer to shops, friends etc.

PicaK · 28/05/2014 13:07

Were they sad about the house or may it have just hit them that you're getting older? I think they're allowed an immediate emotional reaction. If they keep on being obstructive then i'd give them some grief.

AmberLeaf · 28/05/2014 14:00

Your house sounds amazing!

I think you are doing the right thing, it makes absolute sense.

My Mum sold my childhood home when I was about 21-22 I think, she was going from city life to seaside life, so a bit different from your situation. I was a bit sad and I now and again think 'I wish I could go back 'home'' but I know it was the right thing for her to do and she is very happy where she is, it is also a nice place for us to be able to visit!

Being able to help your children onto the property ladder as well as setting yourself up in a nice little place is too good an opportunity to miss.

Good luck.

homeaway · 28/05/2014 14:16

I think you are right to move, you need to think of yourself as the kids are grown up now. I know that they have ties to the house but in reality they will not come and live at home again. Could you make a book with photos over the years of the happy times you have had in the house on photobox and give everybody a copy ?

silveroldie2 · 28/05/2014 15:03

YANBU. Of course your DCs will be sad, I was when my parents sold their home and it's natural for you and the DCs to have happy memories of your DH being in the house. But those memories will remain and you don't need the house for that.

I hope you can find just the house you want in the village.

CatThiefKeith · 28/05/2014 15:11

Mil sold dh's family home last year. Fil died 7 years ago, and the house was much too big for her.

Dh and Sil were both upset about losing a link to their father but it was the right choice.

Mil is much happier in her new bungalow Smile

Tbh I wish my parents would do the same, but the house has been in the family 80 years, and was my df's childhood home. He insists he will never leave Sad. Sadly he is old school and it's my poor dm that has to try to keep the bloody thing clean. And it's bloody freezing!

HazleNutt · 28/05/2014 15:23

YANBU, do it. If my parents sold our family home, I would be sad, but would certainly understand and support the decision. Neither me or my sister will never live there, so once parents find that the house is not suitable for their needs any more, they should find something else. It's their life.