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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to consider dyeing my hair because of what my 6 yo dd's friends are saying

33 replies

Easycare · 27/05/2014 21:42

My dd told me tonight that some kids in her class say her mum (me!) looks 'like a grandma' and 'looks 89' because of my hair. I'm only 39 (40 next month so looking old is a bit of a sensitive topic at the moment) and have undyed shoulder-length hair. It's pretty grey/white but my - much cooler than me - younger sister assures me it looks great. I like the colour but every so often do worry that it's making me look older than I am.
I do wear make-up and dress fashionably but am a bit overweight.
I asked my daughter if she wanted me to change the way I look and she said she likes me the way I am, which was lovely. However, I don't want her to be picked on because of me.
BTW this is my very first post but I've been lurking for about 3 years!

OP posts:
BrianTheMole · 27/05/2014 21:46

It sounds lovely. I wouldn't dye it.

gamerchick · 27/05/2014 21:46

I do admire you.. I found my first grey hair a few years ago and pulled out about 12 before I got a hold of it.. i've been all sorts of colours since Grin

If it concerns you then there is no harm in having a shot.. the good thing about hair is it grows out. But don't do it for anybody else, it's your hair.

BarbarianMum · 27/05/2014 21:46

It's up to you but I personally don't take style tips from 6 year olds. Showing your daughter that women should change their appearance in response to negative comments is also a bit dubious to my mind.

Scousadelic · 27/05/2014 21:52

At the age of 6 my daughter and her friends thought perfection was looking like a Barbie. As a fat brunette I was lucky my DD, like yours, thought I was fine as I was.

I wouldn't fall into this trap, altering your appearance to impress 6 year olds is a hiding to nothing. Personally I would just prime your daughter to say it is silly or not very kind if her friends make those comments

HemlockStarglimmer · 27/05/2014 21:52

I would teach her how to deal with rude comments from other people rather than alter the way you look, if you like the way you look.

I'm 52, overweight and sometimes use a walking stick. My daughter is nine. She has had some really mean things said to her by some children at school. She knows the comments don't bother me (actually some of them do but I don't let her know that) and she now shrugs them off. When she tells me we have a laugh about it. Sticks and stones and all that.

I'm working on the weight but there is nothing I can do about my age and arthritis.

Original poster
Easycare · 27/05/2014 21:53

Thanks BarbarianMum. I agree with you! I think it's just struck a nerve. I used to be quite self-conscious about my appearance and thought I'd got over it. I know it's ridiculous but it's made me wonder - if the 6 year olds are talking about it, does that mean the other mums are too? Silly eh.
I probably do stick out a bit - I think I'm the only naturally grey mum in her class. There are a few grey grandmas so it's understandable the kids associate grey with being old

OP posts:
EmmanuelWoganberry · 27/05/2014 21:54

To a six year old, everyone looks old. Your hair sounds fab, leave it and teach your DD to eyeroll!

FourEyesGood · 27/05/2014 21:57

I agree with BarbarianMum - dyeing your hair would send the message that you have to change to please others. Your hair sounds great anyway!

Congratulations on your first post - I thought I'd lurked for ages before posting, and it was only a few months in my case!

soundevenfruity · 27/05/2014 21:59

It's quite unbelievable how bitchy 6 year old girls can be! Is it the only thing that is going on? Do they make nasty remarks about anything else? It's an awful thing to say to your friend whichever age you are so I would be worried that somebody was intentionally mean to my daughter. Saying that, I have been dying my hair for quite a few years and find it really fun.

Original poster
Easycare · 27/05/2014 22:02

Thanks everyone. I didn't let her see it bothered me.

I need to toughen up if I'm getting affected by the comments of a few 6 year olds. Since 'Frozen' I thought they'd all think grey hair was cool - maybe I'm not quite Elsa material.
It also reminded me of a few months ago when she saw a photo of me with blonde hair, only from about 3 years ago, and said 'Mum you looked like a popstar!'
I think I'm going to carry on rocking the grey, but maybe work a bit more on my saggy bum, tired face etc!

OP posts:
Arriettyborrower · 27/05/2014 22:05

My mum went silver grey at 30, I was self conscious but it didn't cause me any real problems, in fact I did think I had to get over myself a bit when I felt embarrassed, and I only had vaguely teasing comments from other kids.

Her hair is a lovely colour, don't dye yours - it's you and whilst I understand you don't want your daughter to feel uncomfortable I think it's also important for children to see people are all different and shouldn't conform to any perceived ideas of appearance.

Arriettyborrower · 27/05/2014 22:07

Thinking back I'm sure kids used to say my mum was an old granny!! I think I just remember thinking what nobs they were!

Godcreatedcricket · 27/05/2014 22:08

I am 37 and am completely grey (found my first grey hair when I was 14!). I occasionally ask my hairdresser to dye it but she always refuses. Just always make sure you never have a "frumpy" do. Well done you for embracing the grey hair...

Original poster
Easycare · 27/05/2014 22:13

Thanks everyone.
Yes 6 year old girls can be mean! I imagine my dd is no angel and gives as good as she gets though - I've seen her with her younger sister!

I think I've got a bit of a hang-up from my own school days. I had tatty hand-me-down clothes and a bowlhead haircut done by my mum, and was teased quite a lot. Because of that I'm probably over-concerned that my dd should fit in.

(I don't know how you do that thing where you highlight a previous poster's name sorry!)

OP posts:
EyelinerQueen · 27/05/2014 22:14

Don't do it. You sound fab and your DD loves you as you are. Besides, teaching her to change her appearance to avoid criticism is a terrible idea.

I'm 33 and mostly grey. I'm also one of the hottest mums on the school run. And DD loves my hair and my slightly out there appearance in general. Grey does not equal old and boring anymore Smile.

Original poster
Easycare · 27/05/2014 22:14

Arrietty I like your style! I'd do a smiley face if I could.

OP posts:
TheCraicDealer · 27/05/2014 22:23

You're considering letting a group of six year olds style you. Think about how ridiculous this is.

So what if they're getting this off their mums? They're probably just sniping because they wish they had the balls to go grey rather than remain slaves to their six-weekly highlighting appointments. Kids always find something to take the piss out of, if you suddenly started dying your hair they'd find something else and your DD would think you should change just because people point out you're different.

As an aside grey hair can look very striking, but you have to have the right style to stop it being ageing. But if your Dsis thinks it's alright you're probably grand!

EddieStobbart · 27/05/2014 22:30

My 7 yr old DD tells me how pointy and red my nose looks which is nice. She also told me the other day I smelled like a needed a wash - we were about to go out and I'd had a shower a couple hours before!

I let it wash over me, she's 7 - though not without telling her that it isn't polite to comment on people's appearance if they don't ask you to!

Both DDs wax lyrical about their grandparent's "big tummies", nightmare. Proving difficult to knock that one on the head.

Runesigil · 27/05/2014 22:46

Hi easycare, your hair sounds fabulous as it is.

To add different stresses in your posts, look below the box you type in and there are quite a few different options with instructions, look down there under the heading Emphasis
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supersop60 · 27/05/2014 22:50

Your hair sounds lovely and so does your daughter! I dye my hair fairly regularly, but I am 54 and my son is 9 and I am old enough to be the mother of some of his friends' mothers!

supersop60 · 27/05/2014 22:50

What am I saying? - he's 10!!

tabulahrasa · 27/05/2014 22:51

6 year olds think everyone is old...a 6 year old once thought my sister was my daughter...I was 22 at the time and my sister was 20 Hmm

Though obviously it bothered me as I'm still going on about it years later, rofl

But seriously, don't do things to please random 6 year olds or you'll have to start wearing full on disney costumes.

Alisvolatpropiis · 27/05/2014 22:53

Everybody looks old to children that age. When I was 6 I thought my class teacher was old. She was 25 Grin. So younger than my mum by 3 years. Mums are ageless aren't they though, to their children.

Original poster
Easycare · 27/05/2014 22:54

Thanks runesgil

OP posts:
thebodylovesspring · 27/05/2014 22:59

Bear in mind that the 6 year old might not have been 'mean' kids say what they see.

However this us about how you feel about yourself.

My first grey hair was my last but that's me.

Your dd sounds great and you tell her to give it back if needed.

If it's any consolation my 15 year old dd looked at me the other day and commented 'are you going out in that'? Cheeky mare.