To think DD's behaviour is not due to her being spoilt?

[PickAUsername]

DD will be 2 in august, and has always been a difficult baby, but I really can't see anything I've done that has caused it.

As a summary...

-She refused food until she was 13 months, health visitors checked for tongue tie, but couldn't see any reason for it. She is now a very fussy eater, but not in an unhealthy food sense, she will just pick certain foods she likes for a certain time frame and won't touch anything else.

-She can't stand getting anything on her hands, this has been more recent, will start shaking and grunting and getting visibly stressed if there is anything from paint to a blade of grass on her hands.

-She has extreme tantrums over the smallest things, to the point of deliberately hitting her head on the floor and screaming for up to half an hour, she doesn't seem to notice me during these and I can't get any eye contact or distract her in any way.

-She has always found getting to sleep very difficult, won't let me settle her to sleep unless she is in the buggy, since giving up breastfeeding at 18 months the only way she will go to sleep is CC, she gets much more distressed if me or DP are in the room.

-She goes silent and clings to me around almost anyone other than DP or my parents. She takes a while to go off in new places and if someone (child or adult) interacts with her she will stare blankly and stay completely still until they go away.

-She doesn't really "play", prefers to empty or fill things, or put lids on or off things, or shut and open doors or gates. When we go to the park and I let her choose what to do she will often spend about 15+ minutes opening and shutting the gate before going in the same circuit up steps and down a slide, getting upset if this is interrupted. If I intervene before she gets into either of these, or she sees a dog (she loves them) then she will play something else but these are her standard games.

-She can only say 3 words (not pronounced understandably but I can understand them) and doesn't seem to have much understanding of what we say, didn't walk until 19 months and still wobbles/falls fairly often

I have voiced concerns to 2 health visitors, one said "no 2 toddlers are the same, she'll grow out of it, they go at different rates", and the other said "Try setting firmer boundaries it sounds like she likes getting her own way and is very stubborn."
Personally me and DP are beginning to think it could be early signs of ASD, but I have brought this up with my parents, and they said she just acts spoilt. They seem to think it's just me not dealing with her behaviour in the right way, but I can't see anything I could do differently to 'change' her reactions.

I think the comments about her being spoilt and needed boundaries are complete rubbish and extremely unhelpful.

She sounds quite a lot like my DD who is a very sensitive child, shy, quiet, worried about heights/other children/running around, sensitive to being dirty/wet, etc. My DD changed a lot between 2 and 3yo as it is a big developmental period and finds it a lot easier to cope, but if I were you I would ask for help from your GP. If there are some signs of ASD early intervention can only help, if the diagnosis is unclear or gets revised later on, no harm done.

Nobody can diagnose ASD from a description on the internet, and she is still very young, but it is definitely worth looking into this as she approaches nursery age (she is still very young to be diagnosed).

A pp also mentioned sensory processing disorder. Sensory issues are common in children with ASD, but dont necessarily mean ASD. Everything you have said points to some sensory issues.

What ever you choose to do, she doesnt sound 'spoilt'. Fwiw, my DS has Asperger's and lots of sensory issues. He was diagnosed age 5 yrs. That was five years of me feeling like a shit mum and people advising me to use the naughty step more often! Older generation in our families (with the exception of my lovely mum) thought we were 'too soft' on him and that if we just disciplined him better he wouldnt be so 'difficult'. It was very hard on all of us, so you have my full sympathies.

I know some people think they are being useful by pointing out that all children are different and some change totally between 2 and 3, but if there is a problem waiting 6 months or a year won't help. Nobody can say she has an ASD or not, but there are enough parents of children who do have autism saying 'sounds familiar' to merit investigation.

I have a 21yo son who was diagnosed at 3 (so at a time when there was less awareness of autism, even amongst professionals) and a 17yo NT son, my older son displayed many similar behaviours to the OP's daughter whilst my younger son was NOTHING like that. She may turn out to be a 'normal' toddler but most 'normal' toddlers don't behave in this way. Often as a parent, even a first-time one, you just know something isn't quite right and you must trust your instincts.

Follow your instinct. Early clinical input could be invaluable. I think you need to go a bit higher for a professional opinion than your health visitors.

Be aware that there is a gender inbalance in diagnosis of Aspergers and HFA, not all professionals are up to speed yet on the variation of presenting criteria between girls and boys.

autismdigest.com/girls-with-a/

As soon as I read it I thought ASD. Try get her checked! x

I had the same questions about have I spoiled her in my own head with my pfb dd. I had an idea she might have ASD but am also quite anxious generally (yes I might have it too) so was wary of pursuing it.

Eventually someone picked up on it and we're going through referral now. I asked this person if there was any way this was spoilt behaviour and she was adamant it wasn't. One of the ways she explained that was dd's reaction to attention when she's having a meltdown. You can't go near her. Attention makes it worse. Ignoring her is best. Even if she's hurt. Spoilt children would play to the gallery and milk it apparently. So what you say about CC and hysteria stands out for me.

Dd has lots of other odd behaviours too btw! And it is fine to voice that they are different. It isn't a betrayal. Keeping quiet won't make it better.

From what you're describing ASD is a possibility, and if it's in your mind why worry about it when you can get information? If it is ASD or any other developmental need then the earlier you know and get support the better for dd, the younger a child is the better early intervention helps them, they're like sponges at your dd's age.

Go with your gut instincts, you have those instincts for a good reason and in 20 years I've rarely known a mother be wrong when she has the feeling her child might have a missed need. Definitely a Paediatrician referral. Do you have a Portage or Early Years team at your LA who might also be able to advise you and help? If you ring the LA switchboard and ask, they'll find you the right number.

You sound like a great mum, trust yourself.