To think DD's behaviour is not due to her being spoilt?

[PickAUsername]

DD will be 2 in august, and has always been a difficult baby, but I really can't see anything I've done that has caused it.

As a summary...

-She refused food until she was 13 months, health visitors checked for tongue tie, but couldn't see any reason for it. She is now a very fussy eater, but not in an unhealthy food sense, she will just pick certain foods she likes for a certain time frame and won't touch anything else.

-She can't stand getting anything on her hands, this has been more recent, will start shaking and grunting and getting visibly stressed if there is anything from paint to a blade of grass on her hands.

-She has extreme tantrums over the smallest things, to the point of deliberately hitting her head on the floor and screaming for up to half an hour, she doesn't seem to notice me during these and I can't get any eye contact or distract her in any way.

-She has always found getting to sleep very difficult, won't let me settle her to sleep unless she is in the buggy, since giving up breastfeeding at 18 months the only way she will go to sleep is CC, she gets much more distressed if me or DP are in the room.

-She goes silent and clings to me around almost anyone other than DP or my parents. She takes a while to go off in new places and if someone (child or adult) interacts with her she will stare blankly and stay completely still until they go away.

-She doesn't really "play", prefers to empty or fill things, or put lids on or off things, or shut and open doors or gates. When we go to the park and I let her choose what to do she will often spend about 15+ minutes opening and shutting the gate before going in the same circuit up steps and down a slide, getting upset if this is interrupted. If I intervene before she gets into either of these, or she sees a dog (she loves them) then she will play something else but these are her standard games.

-She can only say 3 words (not pronounced understandably but I can understand them) and doesn't seem to have much understanding of what we say, didn't walk until 19 months and still wobbles/falls fairly often

I have voiced concerns to 2 health visitors, one said "no 2 toddlers are the same, she'll grow out of it, they go at different rates", and the other said "Try setting firmer boundaries it sounds like she likes getting her own way and is very stubborn."
Personally me and DP are beginning to think it could be early signs of ASD, but I have brought this up with my parents, and they said she just acts spoilt. They seem to think it's just me not dealing with her behaviour in the right way, but I can't see anything I could do differently to 'change' her reactions.

I always say, what's the harm of getting them checked out? In the US we have friends who've had kids put in early intervention programmes at 3 because if you can treat as early as possible the results can be huge. To me the only downside is you worrying dd has something and it's nothing, but I'd rather over than under react.

She's not even two yet. I'd wait to worry. She might have some LD's (ADHD, ASD, Dyslexia) she might not. The problem with things like ASD/ADHD is that most people do have traits of it on smaller scales. So if you look for quirks you'll see them in every child. All toddlers do weird nonsensical things. It's hard to mark it as a disorder unless it's actively causing problems, and at 1.5 it's hard to really make that call.

My friend's baby is on the spectrum, but they couldn't dx him until he was about 3. He had language delays and was constantly throwing tantrums. However, if she's having language delays you can get her enrolled in early intervention so that if she does have it, you can switch up your parenting style early for her so she can thrive. For now they might just give you instructions on how to teach her sign language so she's not throwing tantrums out of frustration as much.

If it makes you feel better my brother didn't say very much at all until he was about 4. Hardly any words or sentences. He went to school at 5 and started talking up a storm. He's NT as far as I know.

But get her checked, if she doesn't test positive for anything you know you just have a quirky toddler who requires some extra love and patience. If she does have ASD you caught it early enough to do something about.

Good luck!

Reading your post, even part way through, sounded as though she could have ASD.

Good luck with the GP OP, lots of support here and mums with experience of bringing up children with ASD.

Trust your instincts. My DC has AS. Yours might or might not, but I don't think you are being silly in pursuing your concerns. Nobody knows her like you do.

I would definitely see your GP.
Her behaviours do tick many ASD boxes.
The wheels that need to turn to diagnose this kind of thing can turn slowly so it would be best to get it started a soon as.
Good luck.

Honestly though, if you are going to get your daughter seen for further advice, I would bring up your concerns in the opposite order to how you wrote them here, because until the second half of your final point, you could have been describing my toddler, and every other toddler I've met. Food fads, extreme tantrums about the slightest little thing, head banging, shyness, not sleeping and not liking dirty hands are all fairly standard things - maybe not necessarily together, but if you mention her language first and highlight the extent of her repetitive behaviour, they are the things that stand out to me.

When DD was 18 months she only had about 3 words. She used to HATE having anything on her hands. She used to cry if anybody other than DP was around. She didn't really start playing with toys until she was about 3. She dead obsessed with eating crunchy food, she couldn't handle it if something happened that she wasn't expecting....

I had concerns too. Just before her 2nd birthday her speech developed at an unbelievable rate. She LOVES getting muck on her hands....all the usual things really.

By all means get her checked, but try not to worry about it. It may be nothing.

I am a mother of an asd child, I would say get her checked out.

I knew from when DS was a very young age there wasn't something right with him.

Everyone just said he was just naughty or it was a phase, it was because he was teething or because of my parenting.

At 2 he was non verbal and still not eating anything apart from yogurts and oats and apple powdered cereal.

The earlier you get help and support, the better she will be.

Be prepared as DS had a lot of appoinments.

Before looking at ASD - you need to read about Sensory Processing disorder (a lot of ASD children have it, but then so do dyspraxics etc, and can be stand alone) it sounds to me like your daughter is sensory defensive....not a form I know a lot about as my son is sensory seeking....the good news is that a lot can be done if you get the right help, unfortunately depending where you are based, the NHS does not always fund it.
My son has been seeing the team at hopscotch and the change has been dramatic....even if you can't afford weekly therapy, I think they would have great ideas about how to help her day to day.

With language keep it simple.

When my son talks he sounds very intelligent, but he doesn't know what he is saying or the meaning of the world.

I talk to him very simple. Like socks first then shoes.

Even if she hasn't got asd pecs cards could works. Say a picture of water, milk or juice.

None of us are experts but enough people on here urging you to see the GP and get a referral that I do hope you take up the advice.

I got shed loads of help. As all the experts (ignore the HVs) say if the child needs help then the earlier the better and it is INVALUABLE. If they don't "need" it no harm done. If she does need help you want things in place BEFORE she starts school.

Check out the special needs board on here - I can't tell you the relief as you recognise behaviours of the feeling of things falling into place the more you read.

What can also be a revelation is realising just how much you modify your parenting or adjust your routine to avoid tricky/difficult things for your child. It's that point when your disdain for the "you spoil them" train of thought really starts to grow!

Wishing you well. Ignore any grandparents going "there's nothing wrong with her" - they mean well but it's not helpful.

You can do an online test for yourselves to see if you have asperger symptoms and also for us reading the list of how adults with adhd present was very enlightening.

If it is ASD this is the age where you start noticing there maybe a problem well I did anyway mainly speech and the complete inability to concentrate on anything my son was four last week and was diagnosed as autistic at Xmas there is helpmout there if she is if the health visitor is,nt helping go to your gp the earlier the intervention the better.

It's worrying you and you don't feel taken seriously by the hv. Go to the GP.

I can't Internet diagnose either. Given those behaviours, I think the GP will refer you. (We were referred for less).

The SN boards here are really informative and friendly btw, if you have more questions.

I don't think she sounds "spoilt"

I agree she might have ASD

Go to your GP & discuss it - if she is referred & it isn't a problem, then you haven't lost anything

you're describing a mix of my two boys my eldest son was only ever comfortable in his own environment he would not speak to anyone else he was a big one on repetitive play patterns and still gets fascinated by fans flaps his arms about self soothes with rubbing his clothing etc he had a little trouble settling into nursery then school but they were very good and once he gets there he is usually good he is going through an assessment for hyperactivity etc but he is bright and he is articulate he just drives us all crackers too much energy too many tantrums

my toddler is a tantrum on two legs he headbangs headbutts punches himself in the head if someone is in his way he headbutts them too is very attached to me wont settle on someone else if im in the room if he is forced to he watches my every move and howls screams for me in his sleep turns his back on most people and hides behind me (occasionally his dad but mostly me) he is 15 months old im not to worried to be honest he might grow out of it yet he also has very little speech but he comes from a family of chatterboxes so never gets a word in im going to make it a bit of a mission to spend one on one time with him this year see if his speech and behaviour improve or i can see him being assessed in the future too

Yes you need to push for assessment. The way it was described to me (in our borough) is they won't give a label until 7 because most kids with ASD traits 'grow out of them'.. it's been a long hard battle since he was little. You'll learn how to fight.

Push, push and push somemore.. don't be fobbed off and good luck.

I can't diagnose your dd, I'm not in a position to, but 4 years ago I posted something similar on here regarding my then dd3 behaviour. Mumsnetters did point out to me that she could possibly have ASD. Well she was dx last year at 6 with ASD and attends a fantastic Specialist Autistic school. She is coming on leaps and bounds. I echo what others have Said on here, see your GP for a referral to the community Paed.

Spoiled is very different from what you describe. If you're worried then I'd ignore the HV and see the gp. If they don't do anything, wait an month and go back and keep going back (switching doctors if necessary).

Like the others have said.Follow your instincts and don't wait til you're sure there is an issue.

Hi, my ds was my 1st child and at around the age of 2 I was concerned about his speech and strange obsessions he had, told not to worry, at just turned 3 he started nursery, speech improved and he became obsessed with all things egyptian! Hieroglyphics etc but was again told not to worry. Motherly instinct told me otherwise:)
When ds started reception I queried it again at the gp and school only to be fobbed off again so I started to think it was in my head. Only when in year 1 he had a newly qualified teacher who recognised the signs, I was taken seriously, was still a long process, took over 3 years but at almost 9yrs old he was diagnosed with asc.
You know your child better than anyone. Trust your instincts. Good luck.

She could either be a sensitive child or possibly have ASD. ASD is mostly genetic so look around at yourself and at your family. Does anyone seem to have ASD traits, even mildly.

Don't be fobbed off by 'wait and see' and 'setting boundaries'. Push for a referral to a developmental peaditrician. In the meantime, keep a diary.

The one piece of advice I wish I'd been given (we 'waited and saw', he still had ASD though!) was not to wait for a diagnosis - start using the techniques used to help children with ASD right away. you can't do any harm if you do this. Check the NAS website, post on SN, get yourself a couple of books, get on a Hanen course if you possibly can. None of this will hurt, even if your dc then doesn't get a dx, you'll be helping him immeasurably.

I would go and see your GP and ask for a referral.
Some areas have very long waiting lists, if over that time, things have improved, you can drop off the list.

Didn't want to pass by without a comment, I feel for you OP and I know how hard it can be to get someone to listen to you. Of course no 2 toddlers are the same, but that doesn't mean your instincts should be discounted. If you feel something is not quite right then you should definitely go and see your GP. Focus on the repetitive behaviours which can lead to distress and make sure you explain that you put behaviour sanctions in place. These things can take a long time, and of course you feel bad that you're pointing out something about your DD but you are doing this so that she can get the help she needs in the shortest possible time. Good luck OP, I hope you get the help,and support you both need.

Ignore your parent's comments that this is because she's spoiled! They need to gain some perspective and offer help and support.

I can't see it mentioned before- apologies if I missed it .
Is this your first child?

Excellent advice from WilsonFrickett - there are some excellent resources online. I think it's Autism UK, not entirely sure, which is good. These are good techniques to use with any child, asd or no.

We are in the twilight zone between paeds agreeing there's something atypical about ds' social skills and diagnosis. His psychologist has recommended just using the things we'd use with an asd diagnosis and they have been effective. Family life is a bit more manageable at last!