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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To find this belittling?

32 replies

ProtegeMoi · 26/05/2014 19:46

Ok genuine AIBU and quite willing to accept I am. Just want to know if other posters would find this belittling.

This time last year I was the main 'housework' person as a SAHM but I have spent the last year doing a very intensive college course which has involved me being out the house 4 days a week and studying / doing homework on the others. This has meant DP has taken over the majority of the housework.

Anyway it's half term, I'm coming to the end of my course and have some time so while DP was upstairs I started cleaning the kitchen, which always involves emptying washing machine, putting wash on etc. We go through a lot of washing in this house!

So while I'm cleaning DP comes down and starts sorting a pile of wet clothes, "was just about to do that" I say but leave DP to it.

I do a few other bits and then go to empty the dryer at which point DP stops me and says they are doing it, I argue back no I was doing the kitchen it's fine. DP then says "it's my job I'll do it" and after a back and forth of arguing over who was doing the washing (madness I know) and DP telling me to do the living room instead I storm off.

Is it just me who finds it really belittling to be a) stopped from doing a job I did for 7 years precious quite fine and b) to have my jobs dictated to me like a child?

I am quite possibly overreacting on this as feeling quite distanced from my family with all the studying I've been doing and just wanted to do some "mumsy" things.

It definitely wasn't a nice, I'll do it have a break stopping me by the way but a I'm doing this so find something else.

So AIBU?
Or should that be am I being over emotional and touchy?

OP posts:
ProtegeMoi · 26/05/2014 19:51

Sorry for how long that is by the way, just re-read it!

OP posts:
ShatnersBassoon · 26/05/2014 19:53

I think it's just a silly spat. Nothing malicious or spiteful from either side.

ProtegeMoi · 26/05/2014 19:57

Oh agreed it's not malicious, just feels like I've lost my place in the household now. What happens once I've finished the course, I keep asking DP what jobs I can and can't do?

I just don't see why me emptying the dryer was such a big deal that they took the clothes out of my hands and stood in front of the dyer to stop me.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 26/05/2014 19:59

He has his routine. It's just the same as my chasing the husband from the kitchen because he's In my way.

Don't think anything of it. We usually split it into rooms so go and do the living room, It's quicker.

ProtegeMoi · 26/05/2014 20:20

Yeah so do we and the kitchen was always 'mine' hence I naturally started there while DP was upstairs.

OP posts:
ProtegeMoi · 26/05/2014 20:21

And living room isn't quicker lol, I'd finished the kitchen and it was just emptying the washing that was left compared to the full toy strewn living room thanks to DD2.

OP posts:
Hassled · 26/05/2014 20:24

You need to talk to him. Explain you're feeling distanced and you're craving a bit of a return to what was your turf.

Yama · 26/05/2014 20:25

Everyone wants the kitchen.

Phoenix2014 · 26/05/2014 20:26

Rather that than trying to get him to put his weight/do his fair share!!

sunbathe · 26/05/2014 20:28

Perhaps your DP felt criticised?

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 26/05/2014 20:28

Feel free to come round to mine - nobody here cleans the kitchen! (Or the living room.)

wafflyversatile · 26/05/2014 20:40

Maybe it's 'officially' his job now and he views it, and your attempts to help, the same way many women seem to, going by many many threads on here?

Yama, I'd rather have the bathroom!

ProtegeMoi · 26/05/2014 20:41

Haha. Well I accept I'm being over emotional. It's just one thing in a long line of things like DD going to DP when she hurts herself which is If course normal now that I'm not here as much I guess I just want my life back when I actually am here and free. Has been hard missing out on so much and I'm feeling quite down about it.

DP thinks I'm being ridiculous. Guess I will go and apologise to her then.

OP posts:
Hogwash · 26/05/2014 20:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 26/05/2014 20:54

Ahhh - well in that case then I think you need to prioritise. The clothes don't know who sorts them - your dd does know who plays with her.

So if you have some spare time sod the housework and go and do something with your dd.

(This is my philosophy which is why I have a house that is a disaster zone but lovely kids.)

WorraLiberty · 26/05/2014 21:47

Maybe it's because you see housework as 'Mumsy' and she sees it simply as housework (which is exactly what it is).

MsVestibule · 26/05/2014 22:06

I can't see why she made such a big deal of it. Is she earning/studying? If not, does she perhaps feel that she's only pulling her weight if she does 100% of the household chores?

Hogwash · 26/05/2014 22:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 26/05/2014 22:35

Hogwash the OP is female, with a female partner.

ProtegeMoi · 26/05/2014 23:28

Correct worra, sorry I just assume people have mind reading abilities and already know lol.

Anyway were all sorted lol, I stopped my over emotional need to step back into my old life and DP has apologised for not realising it got to me and said it was because she thought I was insinuating she wasn't able to do it.

Crossed wires not helped by my crazy emotional state at present. I can't wait for these 6 week holidays to have some normal family time without trying to juggle 900 assignments. At least until it all starts again in September at uni.

Thanks for declaring my unreasonableness lol

OP posts:
ProtegeMoi · 26/05/2014 23:30

Oh and just spotted your post msvestibule, she's a SAHM at present so it's literally a role swap which has been really hard going, so yes perhaps that was part of it.

OP posts:
Hogwash · 29/05/2014 01:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CeliaLytton · 29/05/2014 01:47

I really wish people wouldn't deliberately try to hide the sex of the other party, especially when it is irrelevant. I had guessed dp was a woman by your determination to avoid saying 'he/she'!

That aside, it sounds like you are both having trouble adjusting to your new 'roles' and as pp have said, now that your hours have changed it will take a while to find a balance, which you will.

Xihha · 29/05/2014 02:15

Essay/Exam stress by any chance OP? I got upset because DH got up and asked DD what she wanted for breakfast earlier when I'd already fed her (we'd got up before him).

ProtegeMoi · 29/05/2014 14:46

Celia - I used she / her in a couple of posts, no attempt to hide anything and not sure why sex would be at all relevant.

Xihha - DEFINITEY exam stress, feel like I'm drowning in work at the minute!

OP posts:
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