to consider a homebirth I don't want because MIL is terrible with our toddler?

[florrielorry]

I'm seven months pregnant and our ds is 20 months. I also have a 6 yr old dd. My elder childrens births were both low risk and went smoothly, so technically a home birth is a possibility. However, our nearest hospital is at least an hour away (worse in regular, considerable traffic so a long way even if in an ambulance) and personally I'd rather not take the risk and would prefer to be in hospital, but aim to be discharged asap as with my first two.

MIL is the only person we have who could have our ds (dd can go to other gps or her dads if necessary) but they really aren't close at all. She has clear preferences for her female grandchildren and has barely made any effort to interact with ds since his birth. She'll ignore him for hours then suddenly chase him saying 'let me eat you!' etc and he'll scream and cry and she'll roll her eyes and walk away. She's never tried just talking to him or sitting down and playing with him, which he'd be fine with.

Since becoming pregnant particularly I've tried to see MIL with ds regularly to get them more used to one another but she's regularly 'busy' (with female grandchildren mostly!) and when baby is due will only have seen ds twice in the nine months, despite only living 15 minutes away. I hate the thought of ds being miserable with her (she gets cross that he won't sit and watch tv and eat chocolate like 'normal grandchildren') while I'm in labour and giving birth and think it could really sour the whole new baby experience for us all, particularly ds.

Aibu to consider having the homebirth and keeping ds happy? He'd be happy at home pottering around and dh/dd could take him in the other room to play if necessary.

I see that ds has never been looked after by anyone other than dh but might it be time to find a really good babysitter locally? Start using them fairly often, even when you are in the house and ds should be used to them quite quickly. You could approach the local Montessori places/day care etc to find well qualified, good-with-kids people - I have always found great sitters this way. Then explain that you will need cover for your labour - I am sure you could get some really good quality help that you are all comfortable with.

As others have said, who gives a toss if mil is upset? She has created this problem by being useless with her dgs!

Ha! BananaramaLlame. Great minds........!!

Clearly the right answer Whatisaweekend ;)

I am very pro home birth but you do sound a bit far away from hospital for it to be a comfortable choice. Starting to use some childcare and building it up seems like a good answer.

I'm in a similar situation but our childcare option is verygood but I just don't want ds to be upset. I'd prefer dp to stay with ds and me go to the hospital in a taxi and give birth alone ( well with midwives!) I wouldn't be able to focus on labour knowing ds was possibly unsettled.

Could you do that?

The issue of your dp working far away is hard, I'd ask a neighbour if they minded watching ds until your dp got home.

I think you need a talk with your MIL and explain how you feel she is missing out on a great relationship with her grandson that she has with her grand daughter and would she like to spend more time with him. Dependant on her answer you move forward one of two ways.

I also think you need a talk with your midwife and explain your concerns with her. She should be able to advise you of your options and talk through all the different scenarios.

Getting him used to being with other adults would be good. Have some time at friends all together and leave him there while you nip to the shop for 10 minutes, then 15, 20 etc until both parties are happy. Obviously this needs to be friends who are willing to take him when you go into labour whatever the time but it will be of benefit for him generally given he doesn't spend time with other adults.

Other options are emergency baby sitters or nannies but they would be a stranger to him though they will be used to looking after children they haven't met before.

Good luck.

I can't afford to pay for childcare, unfortunately. If it was up to me I'd rather do that but it's hard to say to dh that I'd rather pay a stranger than have his mum look after him. He agrees that mil and ds don't get on but pities mil more because ds would be screaming the house down.

Ex or his parents can't have ds. We've only recently moved to the area and I don't have any friends here, neighbours are elderly and wouldn't be able to have him.

I've spoken to mil before because she's made snidey comments about how ds doesn't like her because he's a breastfed mummys boy, that I mollycoddle him etc and that I should be more like the mums of granddaughters who gave their babies a bottle and left them with her from a few days old. She's stuck in her ways and isn't about to change.

I had all of mine at home, and with the 3rd one dh was working over an hour away. I had never left my older children with anyone for longer than an hour or 2 so had big issues over the thought of leaving them.

With dc2 I went into labour at bedtime so baby was out by 5am while dc1 slept upstairs. With dc3 I had the baby at lunchtime at home while the toddler slept next door. Dh was in and out, I was happy being pretty much on my own.

Just plan your perfect birth that doesn't involve your mil, and worse case you're in hospital while your DH is home/on his way with your Ds.

florielorry i think at some point you will have to be prepared for concessions with your MIL TBH, I can see you really do not want you DC looked after by her but if you cannot afford childcare, have no friends, no neighbours and your DH is working 2 hours away, she might be your only options, at least for the two hours gap for DH to come back from work and take over.

When ever she is so rude to you do you challenge her on it? If not, it is time you did.