to consider a homebirth I don't want because MIL is terrible with our toddler?

[florrielorry]

I'm seven months pregnant and our ds is 20 months. I also have a 6 yr old dd. My elder childrens births were both low risk and went smoothly, so technically a home birth is a possibility. However, our nearest hospital is at least an hour away (worse in regular, considerable traffic so a long way even if in an ambulance) and personally I'd rather not take the risk and would prefer to be in hospital, but aim to be discharged asap as with my first two.

MIL is the only person we have who could have our ds (dd can go to other gps or her dads if necessary) but they really aren't close at all. She has clear preferences for her female grandchildren and has barely made any effort to interact with ds since his birth. She'll ignore him for hours then suddenly chase him saying 'let me eat you!' etc and he'll scream and cry and she'll roll her eyes and walk away. She's never tried just talking to him or sitting down and playing with him, which he'd be fine with.

Since becoming pregnant particularly I've tried to see MIL with ds regularly to get them more used to one another but she's regularly 'busy' (with female grandchildren mostly!) and when baby is due will only have seen ds twice in the nine months, despite only living 15 minutes away. I hate the thought of ds being miserable with her (she gets cross that he won't sit and watch tv and eat chocolate like 'normal grandchildren') while I'm in labour and giving birth and think it could really sour the whole new baby experience for us all, particularly ds.

Aibu to consider having the homebirth and keeping ds happy? He'd be happy at home pottering around and dh/dd could take him in the other room to play if necessary.

Also if she's capable of minding grandchildren in general I really think you're worrying too much

I'd go for a doula at the hospital and dh looking after the dc or suck up MIL looking after the dc - but you have to figure out in a less than perfect situation what will make you least anxious. My preference wouldn't be for a home birth but that's because I had and expect serious complications. Sorry you have this rubbish hand to consider.

Would the mum of one of your six year old's friends have the toddler? If there are people you see regularly on the school run/at playdates they probably know him better than MIL with her 2 visits in 9 months. By the time I had DC3 I relied on friends and I've also done plenty of minding of older siblings in return. Most people are happy to be asked in these circumstances.

I think as long as she is not actually abusive / neglectful but just a bit silly, they will be fine for a day or so. It won't sour his experience of anything because as soon as he comes home and sees the new baby, he will forget all about staying with MIL. It coukd also improve their relationship as someone suggested.

That would be my preference anyway. If you weren't planning a home birth anyway, you'd be anxious about it. Your DS will be fine and you need your DH with you. Apart from anything else, doesn't he want to see the birth?

But if you research home births and come round to the idea, then you can go got that. But I wouldn't choose a home birth just because of childcare.

Good luck!

Honestly your MIL and your DS will manage to muddle along. DCs are massively more resilient than we give them credit for.

Home births are brilliant if you are relaxed and certain that's what you want, but your not.

DH was with me for first DC, was supposed to be with me for second one as my aunt had come to look after DD1 whilst I was giving birth. Turned out she was really not reliable so DH did drop me in hospital and went back home to check both on DD1 and my aunt.

For the 2 subsequent DCs, we did not even bother trying to find someone to look after the siblings at home, Dh just dropped me in hospital and looked after them; that was actually the only way for me to have some peace of mind.

I have to say, all 3 times I gave birth "on my own" the midwives were absolutely fantastic and even if there was not someone holding my hand all the time, there was always a comforting presence.

What about a close friend minding your ds? Or are there any aunties or uncles who see him regularly who would be preferable?

What's MIL's relationship with your DD like? Would your DS be happier if his big sister was there to help entertain him and maybe make him feel a bit better? If so is there any way MIL could have both of them? Don't know if that would be possible or if due to favouring females that would make her even worse, but could be worth thinking about if she's happy to have both.

Who cares if MIL is livid? If she can't be bothered to make an effort with your DS, I wouldn't be that concerned about her feelings on the matter.

I echo the suggestions to ask baby group people or parents at school gates. I would readily have a school friend over to stay in your circumstances.

I think the suggestion of DH staying at home and you asking a friend to be a birth partner sounds good, otherwise I'm sure if you asked someone would be happy to help out and look after your DS if you explain that you've got nobody to help. Most people would be pleased to help I think.

Don't go for a home birth. You live too far from hospital for it to be safe. My DS would have been dead if I had chosen home birth. We needed crash section and scbu.please don't.

I'm coming from a standpoint where nothing would persuade me to have a home birth, so I want to get that out there so you can decide how seriously to take my advice. I'm also a healthcare professional so I don't find being in hospital stressful. I totally respect the right of people to choose a home birth and wouldn't try to dissuade a friend who was adamant this was what she wanted but you don't sound as though it is what you want.

The reason I wouldn't consider it is about what if something goes wrong. I know that complications during delivery where even a couple of minutes matter are rare but the consequence of that happening to you, an hour from the hospital, is a dead baby. Placental abruption, vasa previa and cord prolapse can and do happen, and can still happen even after prior straightforward deliveries. I have a friend who had vasa previa undiagnosed until labor and her son wouldn't be here if she'd even been in the midwife led unit downstairs, never mind at home. A couple of minutes are that critical.

I know the counter argument that being in hospital is a very stressful experience for many women, which can hamper their ability to labour, leading to a cascade of interventions, which might not have happened if they were at home. Some of these interventions can also lead to tragedies.

This is what you need to weigh up. For me, living 10 minutes from a big hospital, I wouldn't have risked it in a million years. There are people on the thread already who have had very happy and positive experiences of home birth and I have a friend who would be equally as positive. So there isn't a right and a wrong answer for you. But Imho if it isn't the birth you passionately want,doing it for childcare reasons when you are so far from the hospital doesn't seem like the best solution.

haven't read the replies... I had no family around when I had DC2. My husband took me to hospital with DC1 in the car and I gave birth to DC2 without a birthing partner (just MW was present).

All went smooth and he picked us up the next morning (gave birth at 1 am).

honestly, it was fine and actually more relaxed without DP around.

I would advise against home birth if it's not what you really want. As others have said, I think it's important that you feel comfortable about where you're giving birth. If the hour trip to the hospital is playing on your mind you may find it difficult to relax.

I would make the least bad arrangements around the hospital birth (I did have a home birth so am not anti them).

I watched a neighbour' DD whilst her mum and dad went off to the hospital... things moved rather more quickly than planned and they didn't have time to "arrange" anything.... the dad was away for 4 hours at the hospital, then came and picked the little one up (who was fast asleep on our sofa)

You could look on childcare.co.uk and see if you can find a local childminder who does emergency care? She could do a couple of settling in sessions with him so it's a familiar place and then when you go into labour you call her and drop him off. Obviously it would cost (I don't know how much) but might be preferable for peace of mind? You wouldn't have to tell MIL it was a CM, just say it's a friend who knows him.

I am a huge home birth advocate, had 2 , yself, but I don't think it's for you. I would honestly leave dc at home with dh. You can say that it is to limit disruption to the dc to mil as an explanation.

I have no one else who could come with me or have ds. Ds can't talk and has never been looked after by anyone but dh or I so I really think he'd struggle, but more so with mil than anyone else. Dh would have to drive me to hospital anyway as I couldn't drive in labour so I'd be hopeful I could get checked and then have a bit of freedom like last time.

Am a bit worried though as the birth of ds was quite quick and dh sometimes works two hours away. What would I do if this one is quick? Would I just have to have a homebirth because of ds being there? I literally have no one else to have him and mil is away quite a lot too. Bil doesn't know ds well either. Mil would be worse withds if dd was there as iit'd be all 'stop being a baby, your sister isn't whinging' etc

Do you have neighbours florrielorry? Let's think about the worst possible case senario. Your Dh works 2 hours away (Does he work nights too at times?) when you feel it is time for you to get to hospital. What I would do is call you Dh to let him know you are on your way to hospital then knock at your neighbours door ask them if they would kindly give you a lift to hospital (with you Dc as well) drop you to hospital and then take Dc back home to yours (familiar environment)put a DVD your DC likes and stay with him until Dh comes, by that time it would be less than 2 hours for him to be back and take over. I would do that for a neighbour, even if it was the middle of the night and I did not know them that well.

Would the other set of grandparents or ex be willing to take both children on this occasion? As a one off?

I would say a friend would be better then. Try and go over a few times before so he recognises them. Tbh if they take him for walk in pram, feed snacks he likes and play with him he should be fine even with no talking etc. Its only a temp measure. If he has to be cared for overnight and doesn't want to sleep but crashes out on sofa in front of tv that's fine for one night

I planned a home birth for dc2 but had to be induced early due to complications and then although everything was fine, protocol was that we had to stay 24hrs after birth for obs. So you need a Plan B in case home birth doesn't work out.

Also, if you have no back up childcare, what if you do have to be transferred mid-home birth and your dh has to stay at home with toddler? It would be worrying for both of you in those circumstances.

I think home births are great and wish I could have had one, but I wouldn't plan it because of childcare. Your MIL sounds unsuitable and I'd worry DS would associate the unpleasant experience of being looked after by her with his new sibling's arrival so in your situation I would really be looking for an alternative, sorry. I hope you find one and good luck with it all!

I'd ask a mum of one of DD's friends if she could have them both - it doesn't matter that DS can't talk, they can still look after his needs, and if he is with his sister he will feel comforted. Honestly if someone asked me to do this, even if I didn't really know them too well, I would agree happily.

Although you have reservations about home birth, it might be useful to find out about how it actually works in your local area. I chose a HB for DC 3 and for me it was a positive experience.

In my area I was given a box of essentials and prepared for the home birth, but there were 2 caveats. One was that I could change my mind at anytime, including during labour, and request a hospital birth. The second was that if the midwives had any concerns at all about either of us they would arrange immediate hospital transfer by ambulance. This was non-negotiable and I readily agreed.

My point in explaining this is not to tell you about my experience, good though it was. I just wonder if planning a home birth, knowing you can change your mind might work for you? If you are not certain it does keep your options open.

On the other hand, if you are genuinely concerned and anxious about HB, it might be a less positive experience for you. In this case I think the advice by other posters re doula's and a hospital birth is wise.

Wishing you and your LO well

What about working on finding a baby sitter you are happy with and getting DS used to them in the next two months? You could find a mothers help / au pair from another family / student from childcare or similar course. Then pay them to come and play with DS once a week or more often till your due date. Or an emergency nanny type of person, again get them to come and see you a few times over the next few months. Prob a bit pricey, but would give you piece of mind. You could try posting over on the Childcare boards, people often have ideas of what might be possible in different situations.