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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I feel so guilty...

57 replies

DaphneMoon1 · 25/05/2014 19:05

I currently live about an hour and a half from my parents. I moved to a different city for Uni, met and married a lovely guy from my Uni city, and never moved back home. My husband is the best bloke I've ever met, I love him to pieces and we have a happy life here. His parents live nearby and I get on well with them, they are lovely.

I also have a fab relationship with my own parents, who I see 2-3 times a month. Whilst I know that an an hour and a half is not a particularly long journey, they rarely visit me and I go to see them. I don't mind that so much, I know they're tired with working all week and it means I get to see my siblings too.

I am 7 weeks pregnant with our first child. I told my family this over the weekend and they were, of course, delighted. It is their first grandchild. However I know my mum is upset/worried because she's so far away (they seem to think it's much further than it is) and she hates that the baby will likely have a closer relationship with my in-laws. She hasn't said much about it but I know she's deliberately down-playing it. My parents work long hours in jobs that don't easily lend themselves to taking days off or early finishes etc (my mum is a deputy head teacher and so doesn't like to take time off out with school hols).

In turn I also feel sad that my mum isn't round the corner and I know it's a while away but I'm worried about her not being there just after the birth. I'm also feeling irrationally angry with my MIL as she's so excited and keeps going on about all the stuff she's going to do with her grandchild (also her first). I know she's just excited so I'm trying to keep that to myself.

I feel horribly guilty that my choice to live here is causing them pain. To be perfectly honest I want to move home. My lovely husband has said that if it'll make me happy then that's what we should do. However, my husband is prone to extreme work-related anxiety and has now found himself a job that he loves and in which he is doing really well. I am loathed to risk putting him through that anxiety again by moving him. I don't tell him how much I want to go home for this reason. He'll feel guilty and will insist we move (although I know he won't really want to move). That would be really selfish of me.

Also not keen on moving to a halfway place as we both agree it's better to be close to one set of grandparents than neither. My own parents have promised they'll visit more, and in turn I'll go down as often as I can, but I just want my mum to be there.

OP posts:

diddl · 25/05/2014 19:37

Now I see that I'm really odd as having my mum there was not for me.

I don't get it.

I wanted my husband or to be left alone to do things.

Well, as said, an hr & a half isn't long even if you don't call until baby is just born.

Kewcumber · 25/05/2014 19:39

Like the idea of planning to move in say 5 years though

Don't even think about it now!

You could have three under 5 by then with a fab primary school on your doorstep and your DH could have had a promotion.

Why are you responsible to live near your parents - why do you have to uproot your family? If its such a chore for them - they can move.

Original poster

DaphneMoon1 · 25/05/2014 19:40

Btw I'm sorry for not replying to everyone but I'm reading every post and honestly they're all. really helping me. Thank you all.

OP posts:

HauntedNoddyCar · 25/05/2014 19:45

There are lots of changes you or your parents can make, some short term, some long term. But you're full of scared pregnant hormones and possibly not totally rational.

Don't know how old your parents are but you may find they think about making changes in a year or twos time anyway

SueDoku · 25/05/2014 22:46

I live an hour and a half away from my DD & her family. I do one day's childcare for my DGC every week. DD works shifts, so sometimes I go up one day, stay the night, look after DGC and come home - sometimes I go up in the morning & stay that night - and sometimes I stay for 2 nights and have time with DD as well.....

I'm now retired, but started to see them every week when I was in my last year at work & DD was pregnant (I would drive there after work, stay the night and go into work from there the next morning - early starts but worth it). The distance really isn't far, and the pleasure that I get from seeing them is great...

FraidyCat · 25/05/2014 22:52

The work I commuted to five days a week for twenty years is, at best, an hour-and-a-quarter away.

I suppose an hour and a half is a relatively bigger obstacle if you're not going for the whole day though.

weatherall · 25/05/2014 22:56

Would it be easier if you moved to half an hour from where you are and one hour from your parents?

How long is your DPs commute?

When is your mum due to retire?

Could you move in with your parents during the week for the first couple of weeks after DP goes back to work?

NearTheWindymill · 25/05/2014 23:05

An hour and a half really isn't a very long way away. So, your baby's due in January, let's say mid January. Presumably your mum will come and see you as soon as baby is born for a visit. Could you ask her to make you lots of ready meals for two over the Christmas holidays for when the baby comes (and yes, you will need these). Turkey casserole , turkey and ham pie .

So, let's say your mum visits 15/16 January and fills up your freezer. Your DH then has two weeks of paternity leave to look after you; MIL can pop in and out during the next two weeks and your mum can come at weekends. It's then literally only a week or so until February half term.

Fab, if you ask me and don't forget, your mum gets 13 weeks of holiday every year compared to 28 days, including bank holidays for nearly everyone else

Viviennemary · 25/05/2014 23:05

The distance isn't really very far in the grand scheme of things. You will both just have to make extra effort to see each other.

venusandmars · 25/05/2014 23:20

I am a grandmother, and I live in the same city as dd - about 30 minutes away.

From my experience, while dd was pregnant, and the time while dgc was less than 6 months old, the key support was for my dd and was needed at unpredictable times (the panicked question, the shared delight at a first smile etc). There was no way that I could physically be there for her unless I had no life of my own, no job, and lived next door to her. Fortunately I could rely almost immediately to texts, and I could take time off at relatively short notice to be with her. I honestly don't think that being 15 minutes away or 1 and a half hours away would make any difference to my relationship with dd, my ability to support her, and my relationship with dgc.

As grandchildren grow older, their relationship with grandparents changes - it become what you all make it. My dc lived 2 miles from grandparents, my dsis lived 400 miles away. Yet as teenagers ALL the dgc are close to their grandparents - in whatever ways their individual personalities interact.

Ilovehamabeads · 25/05/2014 23:31

I have virtually the same set up as you, op. My in-laws live round the corner, my parents live 2 hours away and we live in the town where I went to uni and met my DH.

I do wish we were closer to my parents but well we've made our life here now so do the best we can with the situation. My children have a great relationship with both sets of GPs but each is different. They see PIL on an almost daily basis but maybe only for half an hour or so. It's not always quality time, it's just time.

We may only see my parents every 6 weeks or so, but we make a weekend of it, so the kids see them for much longer stretches of time. It also involves a sleepover which just doesn't happen with PIL so an added bonus for kids :) They get to do stuff with the kids that the PIL just don't do, like bath time, bedtime, days out etc.

WitchWay · 25/05/2014 23:54

You're seeing your parents 2-3 times a month - that will continue after the baby comes, I assume? Personally I think that's fine.

crypticbow08 · 25/05/2014 23:59

I really wouldn't vworry about dc not having a close relationship, I live about an hour away from dmum and dsdad, and they have a fantastic relationship with ds, now 5, and they always have! He adores them, and its actually really exciting for him going to see them cause it's not an everyday thing (and he knows he's going to get spoilt rotten)

Relax and enjoy your pregnancy.

SpearmintLino · 26/05/2014 00:08

I'm imagining that your Mum will be retiring in a few years? That will mean she doesn't have the tie of work and will be able to stay for a prolonged period

Icimoi · 26/05/2014 08:36

I suspect the school wouldn't mind her having a day off just after the birth. After all, they have to cope when deputy heads go out for training or meetings or jury service, or if they're just ill.

kalidanger · 26/05/2014 08:44

An hour and a half isn't nothing. My DM lives that distance/time away and any meaningful time we spend together has to be overnight (she's currently reading in my bed and I'm on the sofa!)

The 'psychology' of travel is important. The more times one makes a journey the shorter it feels. I think I would encourage your patents to start visiting you more often. Staying over or visiting for the day, so by the time you have your baby they will have got the hang of the journey - managing timings, changes if public transport or service stations etc if driving. It won't seem so bad once they've done it a few times.

BiscuitCrumb · 26/05/2014 08:45

An hour and a half is not far away. My parents are an hour and a half away. DH's parents are 5 and a half hours a day. I see mine more often obviously but they make the effort as do we. We see them for the day, we sometimes go for a weekend. It's an hour and a half.

It takes me 1 hour 15 mins it get to work every day!!!!

Look don't panic. It'll be fine. If your parents want to see you and the baby they can travel up for the day, or stay the weekend. Don't recant your MIL because she happens to be closer geographically. You moved there. Not her.

It really will be fine. :)

BiscuitCrumb · 26/05/2014 08:46

Bloody typos. Apologies!

Strictly1 · 26/05/2014 08:47

I commute for an hour so 90 minutes to visit family us nothing. Sorry

Strictly1 · 26/05/2014 08:49

They may mind as teachers are constantly slated and reminded of their holidays. I suspect they will expect her to go after school or wait for the weekend. Not saying I agree just how it is.

Strictly1 · 26/05/2014 08:50

Good luck btw

SquidgyMaltLoaf · 26/05/2014 08:55

You'll be fine. One set of my grandparents lived nearly 2hrs away when I was growing up, and the other was a ten minute drive. I was far closer to the first set even though I didn't see them nearly as often.

MrsLindor · 26/05/2014 09:44

I'm another one who just wanted to be left alone with dh to get on with it, definitely didn't want my mother or mil hanging around the house, offering "helpful" opinions/suggestions :)

ICanSeeTheSun · 26/05/2014 09:56

90 minutes isn't that long, IMO your mum could come up every Friday evening after work and be there by 5:30 stay to around 8 ish and be home by 9:30. Come Saturday and spend a few hours.

There is no need to distrupt your family life

AnnaWombourne · 26/05/2014 10:08

My DD also lives some distance from me and as I don't like driving on motorways it seemed like the ends of the earth initially.

However, since I tried visiting her by train - the journey takes 6 hours -I know its do-able and sitting reading a book for a few hours isn't that much of a hardship.

So perhaps your parents need to try out the journey for themselves - stay a few days - and then it won't seem so daunting and they'll know they can get to you whenever they want to.

When my daughter had a crisis last year, I visited her and came back on the same day.

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