To wonder why nobody, not even a therapist, can love me at all

[YearningHeartache]

I'm not just talking about romance. I'd honestly love some good friends right now, who wanted to spend time with me, who sometimes contacted me first rather than it always being me approaching them. I don't know what is so wrong with me.

I had a therapist until recently, and we had a great connection. We got very close and started to say 'I love you' (sort of like a maternal thing, my own mother has no time for me) and I thought that for once someone did really love me. She showed me so much love, letting me call her whenever I needed to and always having time for me.

But recently she has been disinterested and a bit frosty as well. So whatever I do that puts people off, she finally saw it as well. But I have no idea what it is that I do that's so horrible I'm so bewildered and sad, I don't know what to do anymore. I tried to get help, and really put my trust in this therapist, but I feel like I can't trust her anymore. Although I do sometimes exhibit borderline personality disorder behaviour (you wouldn't know, I am a very private person so I control it, but I do sometimes self harm and feel so worthless and depressed) so it could be bpd making me not trust her. I just don't know.

Thank you all, I'm starting to feel a bit less stupid.

I still cant get my head around why and it felt so genuine, her care for me, which obviously means my radar for spotting bullshit is way off. I don't know how I can ever trust anyone again.

Yearning this is exactly why what she had done needs reporting, people who have been abused can often have difficulties with trust and by her "care" and then seemingly withdrawing it can feel like being abused all over again. You will learn to trust, but only as part of a healthy relationship, which starts with developing a healthy professional relationship with a therapist, this is not this person.

I am shocked to read about this.

As pp have said (and great replies) she has been really unproffesional.

I am so sorry you are now feeling worse and confused by your therapy with her and that, s exactly why you should report it.

She is there to help you not saddle you with more problems.

((hugs))

I wouldn't be surprised if she did mean it - in whatever way meant something to her. Fact is, though, she was the one being paid to create safe boundaries within the relationship, and she failed. This was totally not your doing.

Your therapist should be able to "hold a safe space" with and for you, giving you unconditional positive regard for the time you're in that space. When this practitioner brought her own emotions into it (whatever they were), she broke the unconditionality and placed a burden on you.

Safe boundaries and positive regard are what we should expect to share with friends we make outside of therapy, too, so it's important that we start to learn what this feels like in a secure professional setting. She let you down. You will recover from it, and grow stronger.

She may still love you but cannot behave that was due to her work. I recon she is just trying to put some boundaries in place now as a knee jerk reaction because she realises she has been unprofessional.

Have you been professionally diagnosed with BPD?

If you haven't then get referred by your GP to the local Community Mental Health Team (CMHT) - the NHS Psychiatrist & Psychologists will give you a diagnosis if appropriate - it takes a lot of tests and sessions with a Psychologist to get the diagnosis of BPD or traits of BPD.
(Be honest and open with your GP and you are more likely to get a referral).

I have 'traits of BPD' rather than the full blown PD so i just had therapy sessions with an NHS Psychologist. I have another chronic MH illness so I see an NHS Psychiatrist regularly but you may not need to see one more than a couple of times.
If you have full blown BPD then you can be referred for DBT (Dialectial Behavioural Therapy) which is specifically designed to treat BPD. It wasn't appropriate for my problems but I've heard it's successful, although there's usually a long waiting list.
Even if you don't get a BPD diagnosis the CMHT can point you in the direction of therapy or counselling that is appropriate for your specific problems.

Once you are with the CMHT you can access telephone support 24/7 when you need it, they will talk to you to stop you becoming unwell or self-harming. They only withdraw the support if you really are well enough to not need it.

The relationship you have had with a private therapist who has been inappropriately close then abruptly withdrawn - would be damaging for anyone but especially for someone with BPD or traits of BPD.
I can see why you feel as if you've been cut adrift.

It's really hard to trust people and build relationships when you have these problems, so it feels doubly hard when the relationships end.

It's tempting to feel as if it's your fault with this therapist but keep telling yourself it isn't - it's her fault!

With other relationships it could be just that you haven't met the right friends yet - good friendships take a while to build and the right ones last a long time.
Personally I've got a small group of friends which is expanding as I learn to trust people but it's taken ages to learn to trust anyone apart from my small tight group of friends who I've known since school really. Now I'm making new friends at work which is good.

I'm sure you will manage to find some friends when you have learnt how to feel better about yourself.

As for romance.. arrgghh! that's really difficult to find! I've been on 6 dates with a guy but the texts have stopped for now.. don't know why!
All I can suggest is try online like most people I know of do; it's really hard though and again, like with friendships you have to be secure and happy in yourself really.

So if you haven't done so then I would definitely go to your GP to access the right kind of support and take things from there... good luck.

(Sorry for the essay)

Therapists aren't suppose to be your friend. They're trained to manipulate you (for lack of better word), and she used her skills to hurt instead of help you. She should be reported so that no one else gets hurt by her.

Sorry she did this to you. This is on her, not you.

Hi - a word of warning re what Latara is saying re diagnosis. I had BPD a few years ago and got a diagnosis from an nhs psychiatrist but the NHS REFUSED to treat me as I'd just had some private therapy so they said I did not qualify for treatment under the NHS. I realise all trusts are different but this was my experience. I improved a lot with my first therapist but a few years later still had some issues (traits of BPD rather than full blown at this point) and didn't want to go the NHS again, so coughed up for private Cognitive Analytic Therapy (CAT) which was invaluable and I don't regret the financial outlay for a second (which was not much around £600 for the course of 16 sessions).

I know I've already sung the praises of this type of therapy, which can be used for BPD amongst other things, upthread, but it really worked for me and I presented with similar issues to what you have described.

So if you go down the nhs route, it may work but be prepared for some stumbling blocks along the way and be aware of the alternatives, if you can afford to pursue them.

I am appalled to hear this. You did nothing wrong at all, on any level. She was in charge and you, any client, needed it to be a totally safe place - she made it a very unsafe place indeed. I don't know if she said verbatim that 'this has never happened to her before' (my italics) but therapy has nothing to do with what's happening 'to her'. It's all about what's happened to/with the client.

I don't think you can deal with this with her (because when you tried she accused you of 'projecting' ). She is not a safe person and, yes, she will do this again - and, no, she hasn't learnt a sharp lesson. It is, anyway, not for the client to bear the therapist's 'sharp lessons'.

I really would urge you to deal with this sooner rather than later, or it could well fester and get more complex if left too long - as if you need that! Any complaints to BACP are addressed professionally and thoroughly researched, so please don't feel you are 'stabbing her in the back'. You are doing nothing of the sort, you are flagging up what was very unsafe and unethical practice. To that end, perhaps you could mentally view it as 'making an observation' instead of 'making a complaint'?

As for not feeling loved - those of us who have been messed up can be repeatedly drawn to people who play out the same abusive patterns we were subjected to in the past. It takes work to change those patterns (some very good suggestions on the thread of various therapies that would address these patterns). You are loveable. I'm so sorry this therapist has done this to you ((hug))

OP, I have read your posts since mine and you are in a place I can understand but in time you will feel rather than

I am sorry if this sounds harsh, but you are probably just another mouse this cat has tired of playing with.

If you do report, write everything you can think of down on paper first. It will focus your thoughts, and also for when she inevitibly denies or twists your allegations. If you have written it down, you won't start doubting yourself.

This is so so wrong on so many levels.
She should have maintained the barriers. On one hand she did wrong, on the other hand it proves to you that you are someone who people can care for. Take comfort from that. Yes it went wrong but probably because it was so wrong in the first place. That was not your fault.

You mention that she is qualified but do you know what her qualifications actually are? There are proper qualifications and not so proper ones.

Just echoing what everyone else has said - she crossed the boundaries and that is not ok! It sounds like she has been to supervision and realised that she shouldn't be saying she loves you and allowing you to call her and backed off. She should not be pretending that it's your imagination and ignoring your feelings now, that is so unprofessional and dangerous! Please report her and find yourself another therapist. on your behalf! THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!

Just to be certain, her saying 'I love you' wasn't part of a role play or her assuming the role of someone else at the time? Did the statement come from her?

Hang on, I think she has loved you. I have been loved by therapists and I have loved them. Love is a broad emotion and there is no doubt that therapists can 'love' their clients - it's how they express it that is absolutely crucial. She got personally embroiled and, as you have sadly seen, it was expressed in a way that was not safe and imo howlingly unethical. If she had expressed her love for you safely it would have been so empowering. As it is, she has played out her own unresolved issues. I have to wonder wtf her supervisor made of it all tbh.

No, it wasn't part of role playing etc. She said it verbally and I have it in texts and emails, so I'm definitely not imagining it! To be fair I said it more than her - I could not believe I had stumbled across this person who really did seem to care and promised to never leave.

She has changed her tune now, doesn't say it anymore, and insists things are the same but they don't feel the same because there is a distance and lack of contact and she isn't warm. She is friendly and says insightful things but it hurts. It's really confusing because I suppose this professional distance is how it should have always been, but now it feels like rejection.

This is why I'm hesitant about the reporting, because she's trying to make it all ok and have proper boundaries now. It's just shitty that things became so emotionally involved before.

You were feeling vulnerable- no wonder you got attached! Anyone would have done the same however, it was her job as a professional to not let that happen and she failed in a big, big way. Not only professionally but as a person trying to help as well.

I still think she should be reported- despite trying to 'make it right' now. It is totally inappropriate that someone who behaves like that should be doing that job without some investigation. You are clearly strong enough to manage it but others may not be. Get a new therapist and start again. You can't undo the feelings and relationship you had with her, you need someone to actually help you.

It does make me uneasy to think of this happening with other clients of hers in future. It's not fair and not good enough, and just because I can actually handle it, it doesn't mean I should have to either! I know this is all true.

But then another piece of me thinks if I report her it will just be because she has taken this love away, and that's not fair on her? We all have the right to stop a relationship that isn't working for us anymore, be it friends or partners or therapists? She doesn't owe me a relationship of any kind, and if I can't be satisfied with what she is offering now then the onus is on me to accept that and move on. When it was all going well, I would have been horrified at the idea of reporting her - even though I knew it was unusual for therapists to say I love you, etc - so how can I just change the rules now?

Yearning I am so sorry to hear of your experience with this woman. I'm a therapist and can only echo what others have said. She has broken the first rule of therapy which is do no harm. By not imposing boundaries on when you can contact her and telling you she loves you she is in violation of several of BACP's ethical guidelines. I think it would be beneficial for you to talk to BACP about your experience.

Her recent change of behaviour does suggest she has realised this, perhaps in supervision, she has behaved very irresponsibly towards you and caused you pain, this is unacceptable.

Its quite common for clients to feel intense, loving feelings towards their therapist, but she should know this and have been trained in how to deal with it appropriately. When handled properly it can be a great learning experience for the client.

Perhaps you could arrange to see another therapist to talk through how this has made you feel? That way you could get closure without having to see her again? I suspect she will minimise your feelings as she has realised she has behaved unethically.

Good luck whatever you decide to do

You wouldn't be reporting her because she took the love away, you'd be reporting her because when she took the love away you felt so bad and it lead you to realise how unprofessional her behaviour had been.

No, therapists can't do that. Yes, relationships skit about in rl but they don't, or shouldn't, with a therapist. It is essential that therapy is a safe place - and that means that therapists use what should be extensive training to keep boundaries in place in order to ensure everyone is safe.

It is not you who is changing the rules now, it's her.

on your behalf. This is precisely the shit you've had in your life that you are in therapy to address - she just played it out all over again, with bells on. If you can manage it, you really must report her. Keep records (this thread will help you with that) to get it clear what you want to say. She may duck and dive etc but you have copious and solid evidence eg emails that speaks for itself. What she is doing, and has done, must be reported. It is irrelevant that she has finally woken up and decided to hold appropriate boundaries at last - too late.

I really want to know what her qualifications are? It's such unprofessional behaviour.

Qualifications are a masters in counselling psychology? And other diplomas? Sounds well-qualified to me but of course I'm not a professional. I'm not certain what the difference is between counselling and clinical psychology is?

I don't care what her qualifications are, they clearly aren't enough if she is making such howling mistakes.

Hope you're ok, Yearning. I'm about to make a complaint to BACP about a therapist. ime it has taken a few months to get steady. I don't want a wrangle and won't be engaging in anything ongoing to get 'justice', it'll be enough for me to make the 'observation'. Your case is much more clear cut because you have evidence (a lot of it by the sound of it) and, hopefully, this woman will be off the books until and unless she gets herself together xx

I feel so feeble but I get such panic at the idea of reporting. I just want to resolve it I have nobody else I can rely on and I know I don't have her really now, but when I did it was so comforting. I'm extremely lonely and I don't know what to do, I have built up a good life for myself, but nobody cares if I live or die and the pain of that takes my breath away.