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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To keep job even though I don't need it?

71 replies

itsnicetobeniceto · 24/05/2014 23:40

We have become financially secure. I enjoy most of the time my work. Husband thinks I should leave work and move to be closer to family. We have no family here. They are about an hour away. My job can be stressful. Any thoughts? I don't want to give too much detail as I don't want to out myself. Money has come from a lottery win so have not discussed this with many people.

OP posts:
Stripytop · 25/05/2014 00:37

Can you take a sabbatical? A friend of mine recently took 12 months off unpaid to 'test' out retirement. He had a nice year but really missed his job and went back.

Maybe for 3 or 6 months if 12 seems to long?

Original poster
itsnicetobeniceto · 25/05/2014 00:38

No I already commute enough to work in the other direction Iyswim.
Yes the company for him would be good . My job is my sacrifice then for my marriage. They don't really visit often.

OP posts:
Caitlin17 · 25/05/2014 00:41

OP Yes I think you should continue with your work if that is what you want to do. Work does more than pay bills-it gives structure and routine.

Your point about what will you do all day is a good one. You mentioned you're not old-your friends probably work or are stay at home parents.

Original poster
itsnicetobeniceto · 25/05/2014 00:42

Yes it makes me feel that am selfish. That am putting my job (which anyone really could do with the right training) before my husbands wishes. He would be happier........but I am not sure. And how am I to find out? A years sabbatical is only a year this change would be forever. Once I resign there is no open door. I will be replaced!

OP posts:
Caitlin17 · 25/05/2014 00:44

You are not being selfish. Your wishes count too.

HamAndPlaques · 25/05/2014 00:46

How old are you, if you don't mind me asking?

I think that for many of us, working is good for our mental health. It can help with issues around self-esteem and self-worth to know that an employer literally values your skills and your time.

Do you have a degree? Would you consider further study as a means of creating structure?

Original poster
itsnicetobeniceto · 25/05/2014 00:47

Yes friends and family all would be working. We prob wouldn't see them more. Prob get sick of them? Prob will try to reduce hours and hopefully that is a good compromise.

OP posts:
anotherdayanothersquabble · 25/05/2014 00:49

Don't rush into it.

erin99 · 25/05/2014 00:49

With depression I would worry about giving up work. The structure of working really helps, I think, plus the sense of purpose, self esteem etc etc.

It's a difficult situation for you both but I think you need your friends and "normal life" around you, not random ILs you don't particularly like, and who you don't think will help. I think you are being very sensible and not remotely selfish. Tempting to negotiate shorter hours or a sabbatical perhaps...

Original poster
itsnicetobeniceto · 25/05/2014 00:49

I am early forties. Yes I have a degree. So I think brain would need stimulated. Don't think I want to study again......been there done that.

OP posts:
Stripytop · 25/05/2014 00:52

I mean time off with your employers permission for you to go back after an agreed period. That way you could see how well you cope with not working. If it doesn't suit you, your job is still there waiting.

I think the relocation is a separate issue that you can only tackle once you have decided whether to give up work or to remain in employment.

Original poster
itsnicetobeniceto · 25/05/2014 00:54

The ILS relationships are variable. I don't know where I am with them. For they have criticised me in the past from my looks, to my job and even what I wear. Not always to my face of course. We have a primary school aged child. I don't want to miss with their routine and normal life either.

OP posts:
giraffescantboogie · 25/05/2014 00:54

can you move and get a job closer?

Original poster
itsnicetobeniceto · 25/05/2014 00:58

I agree stripy top I need to make the work decision first. What to do in that year though? No point in temporary relocating....can't really because of child's school. They need consistency during my thinking time. That's why it's hard to make a decision. My depression means I don't trust my decisions. Am really grateful for your advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
itsnicetobeniceto · 25/05/2014 01:00

There is limited work out there in my field. I would no doubt have to change career path. Don't really have confidence for this.

OP posts:
MomOfTwoGirls2 · 25/05/2014 01:06

Could you rent out current home , and rent a house closer to DHs family? Is if possible for you to commute from there ? You could move back 'home' if the expected support from DHs family doesn't materialise.

Original poster
itsnicetobeniceto · 25/05/2014 01:19

That commute would be too far. Nearly two hours. I couldn't do that. Still really not sure......hence still awake!

OP posts:
AlfAlf · 25/05/2014 01:21

I would not want to give up a good job that I generally enjoy.
I don't want to criticise your dh, but please don't lose sight if what you want and need in an effort to please him. Compromise is good, but must work both ways. It really doesn't sound as if you want to move that far or give up work.
What about DC's? I know if I came into money, I would not want to uproot them from their schools, friends etc (I would buy a nicer house but near where we live now :)) because they are happy and settled and I just wouldn't risk jeopardising that.

Beardlover · 25/05/2014 02:59

There's got to be a compromise?

Can he stay with his family a couple of nights a week? Or can you go part time and commute?

Beardlover · 25/05/2014 03:00

Is he in a position to make friends locally?

MrsMook · 25/05/2014 06:54

It sounds like he needs to build a support structure, not take yours away. Is he able to socialise and make his own friends? Could your new financial freedom allow you to pay for a companion?

A need for work is not just a financial consideration. Also his plan of moving would cause significant disruption to your DC.

YANBU

hotcrosshunny · 25/05/2014 06:58

What is your job? I would settle into the win first. So give it a while as you might change your mind about work.

You could take a regular volunteering job, a less stressful job,etc etc which maintains a routine but isn't so demanding.

I would ditch a stressful job in a heartbeat!

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 25/05/2014 07:09

I'd do nothing at all for a while, save for seeing if your employer would perhaps allow some unpaid leave so you can take more holiday.

Have you obtained financial advice? The amount you need in a pension pot for a decent retirement is terrifying. The cost of care is also pretty frightening, is that something your husband might need in the future? You mentioned a what if you separated above, is the money enough for separated living in the long term? I wonder whether you're as financially secure as you think.

Wages are not the only reason you go to work. It sounds like the routine, structure and stimulation are equally important to you. If you give up work, you will still encounter people who are a PITA, there will still be things you find stressful. Being at home under occupied, or occupied in the wrong thing, might be a disaster for you.

StealthPolarBear · 25/05/2014 07:13

can you buy a house closer to his family as well, so you can split your time between the two.
Congratulations :) I do not think you should give up work though. Are you happy in your marriage or do you think this is one of the areas of your life that is contributing to your mental ill health?

StealthPolarBear · 25/05/2014 07:17

I love my job. I think I've got pretty much the perfect balance of pressure vs stress. I believe in what we're trying to achieve. I'd hate that if I won the lottery there'd be an expectation I'd stop. That's why I don't play ;)