To be unhappy with what DD is eating

[CheeryBakewell]

Just over a month ago I started working late (6pm) 3x a week. My DD(11)now spends these afternoons being looked after by her best friend's mum. I found out yesterday that they go to McDonalds almost every time, as well as having other junk food snacks.

DD's best friend and her sister are swimmers. Both parents made it to the commonwealth games but didn't reach the Olympics, so lives being lived through kids and what not. They swim every morning from 6.15-8am and afternoons from 4-6. Understandably, they need their food! DD is very happy to watch the swimming training and will usually get on with some homework or something but they always go to McDonalds straight after. I understand that perhaps the mum feels she can't leave DD out if she is getting food for her two, but DD told me that she once said how she knew dinner would be waiting for her at home to which the mum replied "oh well some chips won't hurt!" I did casually bring it up with her, and said how I don't really want her having two dinners (I didn't actually mention McDonald's incase she thought I was judging her or whatever) so just said she has dinner waiting for her at home. To which she replied "ok fair enough. But DD plays hockey 4x a week so I'm sure it won't hurt her."

This annoyed me because she's assuming I don't want her eating McDonald's because of weight gain... As we all know weight gain is merely a by product or a bad diet! I don't want her eating McDonald's 3x a week because it's horrible for her, in all ways. I understand that with the amount of exercise her DDs do they need to eat a lot but IMO I don't see why it can't be a lot of healthy stuff. DD eats well but you present an 11 year old with the option of chicken nugget and chips knowing they'd "only" be getting some fish pie later, you know which they'll chose.

And to make it worse they're always given chocolate and sweets when picked up from school. And not little things either! I'm talking slickers bars, kit kat chunkies, Mars bars. I give DD after school snacks but again, apple or mars bar?

I know I probably sound very judgemental over what she feeds her kids. And I also understand that it may be tricky giving your children all these yummy things and saying to my DD "sorry your mum said no." Of course she shouldn't have to change what she is feeding her children just so mine doesn't feel left out but I don't know how to approach this. Should I just sit down with DD and discuss it? What do I say? And I know some of you may say I should look into another after school option but she really does seem to enjoy watching them swim. Plus she gets a fair amount of homework done as she's not distracted by other friends being around etc.

Any insight here would be really helpful :) thanks everyone!

Oh I didnt see you mention that - does she take a packed lunch?

Seems like I do. The girl is her very best friend of 7 years so she loves going to the swimming and everything but I agree it's not fair to make her watch them at burgers and chips while she has a sandwich.

Not a whole packed lunch. She has a big cooked lunch at school which is usually mac and cheese or spag Bol or something so she's never usually very hungry in the afternoons. But she has a couple of snacks on days I work late and the other 2 days she will have a slice of toast and a piece of fruit or something when we get in at around 4.30

So tell DD to have a chicken nugget happy meal with fruit instead of chips, this really is no big deal. And the fact that you ASKED her to look after your DD (she didn't offer) really means you can't dictate what they do or don't eat

"All she had to do ..."
She didn't have to do anything - she is doing you a massive favour. And all you seem to be doing in return is moan!

Because I'm a school governor I've recently looked at the school dinners in 8 schools. Perhaps it's just this borough but none of them were 'big cooked lunches'.

They're a light meal, which is the way it should be considering kids will then go and run around the playground or do PE.

So I wouldn't over estimate the size IYSWIM.

I am actually very surprised about how relaxed people are being. I don't think there's anything wrong with not wanting your child eating McDonalds 3x a week, I wouldn't be at all pleased either. I agree there is nothing wrong with feeling like she should have said "I take the girls to McDonald's after swimming, should I get * something too or will she have dinner later?"

I also see the point that she is doing you a massive favour, so you can't be too choosy. But telling your DD to keep it a secret from you isn't ok. Talk to DD. Or look into other options

'Big cooked lunch' at school? Last time I looked, school dinners are anything but. They are often paltry and not very nicely cooked. I think she is doing you a huge favour and you are being incredibly ungrateful and rude. Sorry.

WorraLiberty I'm just going by what DD says. She is very rarely starving after school. She choses what she wants and it's usually just a slice of toast and fruit or something like that. Knowing her she probably isn't even hungry enough to eat a whole McDonalds meal but when it's presented I suppose it's pretty hard to resist!

As pp said, she could EASILY choose better options at McDonald's - fish fingers or nuggets and a fruit bag, with water or milk. Fries are not compulsory, neither are burgers, milkshakes or fizzy drinks. She could even choose a grilled chicken salad or grilled chicken salad wrap.

Going to McDonald's isn't the problem, the food choices made once there are.

I haven't (amongst the 5 threads) seen anyone saying the OP is wrong in not wanting her DD to eat McDonalds 3x a week?

The general consensus has been that the OP needs to sort childcare rather than put her DD and the other family in this position.

I'm actually going to jump in and defend OP here. I don't think you are being ungrateful for not wanting your child to eat muck 3x a week. That's perfectly reasonable. I wouldn't take someone else's child to a fast food place for a big meal without consulting the parents, knowing that they would have supper later on.
And telling your DD to lie about it is wrong. She should have been honest with you straight up and told you that her DD's get hungry because of swimming, and did you want her to give your DD supper too or have her wait until she got home and eat her snacks.

Yes she is doing you a big favour but telling your child to lie to you and feeding her horrible food is not a "favour" that's just wrong. And if all DD is doing is watching her friend swim for 2 hours, it's not as if it's hard work.

I do agree with other posters though who have said if you are not happy, then find an alternative.

Yanbu to not want her to eat McDonalds 3 times a week.

Why does she need to be at the swimming and then watching another family eat dinner, can't she just go and sit in a library and do her homework?

There are ways around this with some sensible communication. You need to be a bit firm but friendly with the mother and explain that no-one who doesn't exercise like her daughters can eat a Mcdonalds meal three times a week on top of their evening meal and not start to gain weight. She just probably isn't used to having to think about this as both her girls exercise so much

Talk to your daughter, explain the difference between her friend and sister and the amount of exercise they do and that if she eats like them she will put weight and that even if she doesn't the food isn't good fuel for her body on a regular basis (and three times a week is regular by anyone's definition).

Then once a week make sure she has nice but sensible snack with her that she can eat while watching her friends swimming so she can go to the Mcdonalds and not be too hungry to just have a drink.

Once a week she can have the Mcdonalds (agree which day she will do this to keep things simple) but she should only have a small snacky meal in the evening (beans on toast/jacket potato - something not too big)

The third time she can have a "snack" at mcdonalds - choose something that has an appropriate number of calories for a snack (check the menu online and give her the list of things she can choose from.

This won't address all of the "rubbish food" issue but it will improve it.

In the end you need the childcare so some of this you need to accept, otherwise as others have said find an alternative after school arrangement twice a week and just use this arrangement once a week.

I agree there are lighter options that DD could have but it seems that they go to the drive through and the mum just orders for them. I suppose DD would be too shy to say "actually can I have ....."

I do take these comments on board. And I'm ashamed that I come across ungrateful. It was more DD/best friend's doing. I was going to put her in the after school club but her friend suggested she go with her after school to swimming. Best friend then asked her mum who said it was fine and I asked her separately to make sure it wasn't a problem.

I was really just looking for a tactful way to approach this. And as I say I wasn't happy about the secret keeping or her implying that I only cared because of "weight gain."

I will take some time and think what to do. The lighter meal choice sounds reasonable. Perhaps I can speak to the mum and ask if she could have a smaller meal as she has dinner waiting at home.

Ikeaismylocal it was her choice. She likes spending the extra time with her best friend before/after the swimming and she seems to enjoy watching it anyway. She's always watching swimming if it's ever on tv. It wouldn't be my first option but she really hates after school club so this seemed reasonable

But you're still going to have to trust this Mum to police your DD's lighter meal choices.

Can you really do that now you know she told your child to lie to you?

To be honest, I can see the other Mum giving this up as a bad idea that's causing too much hassle.

She may be the one to suggest alternative childcare.

Worra I haven't actually mentioned it to the other mum apart from that one time when she accused me of only caring about her weight and saying it was "fine" as DD plays hockey 4x a week. But I don't think she really realises how annoying I find it.

I will try with the lighter meal option. If after next week she's still eating whole meals and being told not to tell me I will arrange alternative care.

thanks for the suggestions bumbling. That's not a bad idea. I'll see how it goes over the next few days.

No but you are going to have to mention the lighter meal option surely?

Can you trust her to Police it?

I haven't read the other threads, so this may have been addressed elsewhere. Does the pool have any lanes open while the friend's DDs do their training? Can your DD be persuaded to hop in and do 10 laps and get out and do homework while waiting for the others? If she's that keen on watching swimming, why not do a bit herself? The others must be doing their homework later in the evenings, so it's not like the swimming training time is the only time your DD could do homework.

Just a thought. Might not work. Other than that I'd be saying go to swimming once a week at most, and sort out a CRB-checked taxi back home to help sis cook dinner, the other 2 days a week. That would be a bonding opportunity for your DDs that would be worth having if it worked well (my sister and I would have been seething with dislike at opposite ends of the house at that age, so it wouldn't have been a bonding opportunity for us, but I'm assuming not everyone is as maladjusted as we are )

Could you ask your dd to choose a salad or a wrap on 2 of the days and just have nuggets+chips once a week and then just not give your dd dinner at home?

I don't think your dd needs to spend 3x afternoons a week with her friend, especially as her friend is busy swimming most of the time.

Does your dd change school after the summer? In which case I don't think half a term of McDonalds is going to harm your child and it is probably not worth mentioning.

Alternatively could you not just ask the other mum to leave your dd at the swimming pool and you pick her up there so she doesn't have to even go to McDonalds?

MarkMinowski no the pool is cut off just for the training. The whole place itself is just for competitive swimmers, its not like a regular swimming pool. It's not just a swimming club but these kids are being trained up for the Olympics and so on! pretty intense.
ikeaismylocal no DD won't be changing schools. She's been there since nursery and loves it! And it's a good school so even though it's a bit far away we'll keep her on as she is very happy there. Will see how the lighter meal option goes and work from there :)

Don't forget to give your DD some money to pay for the meals too

I've only just thought about this, but it must be expensive for the other Mum to feel she has to include her.

Yes, surely you are paying for the meals ?