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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feel a bit sad at how dd ASD has been treated by dance school

51 replies

Aeroflotgirl · 23/05/2014 11:17

My dd 7 has been going to dance school for about 1.5 years, the leader seems nice, she used to run the disabled line dancing group, which I used to adults with disabilities to. At first dd loved it, but her behaviour started to deteriorate and she would not do a full session. I payed for a carer to take her dancing instead, she responded very well and started to do full sessions again and seemed a lot happier.

A few weeks ago the carer told me after she had been dancing that the teacher told her not to bring dd in for a few weeks as they are doing shows, I thought ok there must be competitions going in, or others are doing exams. This week when I called the dance school to enquire when to take dd back to dancing I was told that this sat her dance class that she attends is having a show, which appears I have not been told about and dd app wars to be excluded from.

I feel so hurt, they could have found her a small part and her carer would have been there to support her. Therefore her class have been preparing for a show without her Sad. I have taken tge decision not to send her back, have been recommended a very good dance school by someone who knows of Autistic chikdren who attend it. I phone up and the owner sounds very positive so she will try there.

I just feel so Sad dd was excluded without the dance teacher telling me or contacting me.

OP posts:
Thenapoleonofcrime · 23/05/2014 11:22

That is such a shame. The most sensible thing would have been to have called you, outlined the show, discussed whether and what your dd could do in it and have a little contingency plan in case it didn't work out.

Sounds like you might be better moving anyway.

Original poster
Aeroflotgirl · 23/05/2014 11:26

I know, she has my contact details, the manager of the care company (specialist Autistic trained carers), told me that the teacher should never have told the carer not to being dd, she should have contacted me directly. Seems spineless to me.

OP posts:
3littlefrogs · 23/05/2014 11:26

That is really awful. Sad
However, as the parent, I think you should have clarified things with the teacher as soon as the carer told you that she had been asked not to take DD.
Communication is so important and checking up is not the responsibility of the carer.

MammaTJ · 23/05/2014 11:33

I wouldn't be a bit sad, I would be furious. Find a different dance class for her, one that will be properly inclusive. I accept that may be difficult for your DD, but much better that than going to a class that is happy to take your money but not happy to include her in all activities.

Original poster
Aeroflotgirl · 23/05/2014 11:46

I know three, I just accepted that there might be shows that some are doing, competitions,when I heard this week that her class are actually doing a show, when I called them, I could not get through to her dance reacher. I tried calling 4 times. So have another dance school in mind.

OP posts:
Original poster
Aeroflotgirl · 23/05/2014 11:50

I think they have made it clear so I am not going to waste my time trying to get through to them. She is starting another dance school in June to see how she gets on and take it from there.

OP posts:
shazama · 23/05/2014 11:59

I would ask the dance school what they envisaged the purpose of your DD attending their dance school was.

Other children go presumably to learn the dance skills to be able to perform in the annual show.

They learn the dance skills to be able to take exams and pass grades.

DD's behavior was not great - you employed a carer to enable her to still join in with the classes.

I would put to them that they have discriminated against your DD and have not given her the same opportunities as others in her class.

I would then tell them that it has cost you £x for lessons over the past 18 months and an additional £x for the carer - and all for them not to even consider DD for the performance.

I would then ask them for a full refund as her going seems to have been utterly pointless.

I can't imagine how dissappointed you must be, the money that I spend on DS's dance lessons is only justified by the annual show and I can't wait for the next one. In the first one this October, he just stood on the stage and looked awestruck, not really doing much of the routine, but it was such an incredible moment for me and I'll never forget it.

Hopefully the new school will be much better and you'll both have a better experience there :)

MammaTJ · 23/05/2014 12:00

I really think it is a horrible thing for them to have done and am furious on your DDs behalf. It would have been one thing for them to offer to let her take part, discuss with you whether she would have coped or not and then leave her out based on what you said, but entirely another to leave her out and not even let you know it was taking place.

I am glad you have her booked to start somewhere else. Please gain assurances from them that she will be fully included with them.

moldingsunbeams · 23/05/2014 12:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

allcatsaregrey · 23/05/2014 12:14

I feel for you and your daughter that is a horrible way to treat a little girl. My daughter has a speech disorder and suspected ASD and I pulled her from her ballet class when at the end of term show the other girls refused to partner with her and shunned her while the teacher and parents let them. I was proud when she stood up in the middle of them and declared loudly "I don't want to do this anymore".

Original poster
Aeroflotgirl · 23/05/2014 12:48

Thanks everyone, I will try the dance school again. Good on your dd allcats, she obviously knew they were nit treating her well, I hope that she finds another more nicer dance school Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Aeroflotgirl · 23/05/2014 12:50

It's a pay as you go thing, so I did not have to pay in advance

OP posts:
naty1 · 23/05/2014 13:04

Could it have been a need to reach a certain level/ standard.

Also i suppose from the teachers pt of view the show may be why parents pay for lessons and she wants it as good as possible to keep the students and get more. If your child cant be controlled may walk out of it at last minute etc.
Not right though.
To let you pay be exclude her.

Could others have also been excluded if they werent very good etc

BlackeyedSusan · 23/05/2014 13:10

gently remind them about the equalities act and that asd is a protected disability. and ask them what reasonable adjustments they are going to make so that she will not be discriminated against.

vrtra · 23/05/2014 13:14

Frankly I would take them to court - but then disability discrimination really fucks me off. Surely there is a way to include her in performances which are part of what you are paying for.

Original poster
Aeroflotgirl · 23/05/2014 13:19

That's not right naty, they shouldn't be happening, everyone should be included whatever their ability and disability, dd has ASD not naughty. Tgey should accommodate her disability, even if it is giving her a tiny role in the show. They seemed quite relaxed and easy going so I thought. The dance school she is going to is quite prestigious, their students have role is tv and theatre, but their attitude could not be different, the owner has said they would never treat a student like that. They do have chikdren with ASD in their school.

OP posts:
allcatsaregrey · 23/05/2014 14:18

thanks :) I think she decided that ballet maybe wasn't the sport for her. she now does judo and swimming. I hope you find a decent class for your daughter. unfortunately discrimination is something we are getting used to.

Original poster
Aeroflotgirl · 23/05/2014 14:28

That's fantastic allcats, I expect Judo is much better, nicer attitude too. Some of these dance and theatre places can be snooty

OP posts:
shazama · 23/05/2014 14:54

Having given this extra thought through the day - they accepted your DD to do lessons KNOWING her additional needs and should have advised you at that time if it would mean that she could not attend while taking exams and rehearsing for shows. They would have known in advance or in the run up if she did not know all of the steps and IMO should have included her regardless.

I saw a lovely picture on FB of a babyballet class with a girl in a wheelchair - she looked so happy to be included with other girls her age (around 2).

candycoatedwaterdrops · 23/05/2014 15:18

Aw that is so mean. Poor DD! I could not disagree more with naty it's a weekend dance school, not the royal ballet company. It's not about being perfect, it's about children showing what they have learned.

I hope DD is happier at her new place. :)

icclemunchy · 23/05/2014 15:37

That's awful :(. My DD goes to ballet and I know for a fact that every child I matter ability or even of they've only been to two lessons gets a part Inthe annual show. The instructor even makes parts for those who for whatever reason can't/won't do the traditional parts.

I hope your DD enjoys her new class and gets to be in a show where she shines Smile

PrincessBabyCat · 23/05/2014 15:50

What? Isn't that breaking some sort of discrimination law? Angry

I did ballet as a kid and kids got frustrated with me because I was hyperactive and uncoordinated. I ended up leaving because they were being mean to me, even though the instructor kept trying to crack down on it.

I went on to do track and swimming where I got along much better with my team mates because my individual performance didn't affect their scores.

In anycase, the instructor knew your daughter had ASD, and still charged you money for lessons. I'd demand all your money back since they felt the need to take your money but not include her. How low. I could rant on and on. Just know I am pissed off on behalf of your daughter.

Hopefully her next school is better! :)

naty1 · 23/05/2014 16:57

Actually i said if that was why they excluded her its not right....

hoboken · 23/05/2014 17:35

Without naming the dance school at first, try contacting the National Dance Teachers Association and/or The National Association of Teachers of Dancing to ask about policies for children with special needs. If you get any info, if there are policies, then quote those to the dance school.

Extremely bad form and discriminatory.

Owllady · 23/05/2014 17:52

It's definitely disability discrimination :(