Feel a bit sad at how dd ASD has been treated by dance school

[Aeroflotgirl]

My dd 7 has been going to dance school for about 1.5 years, the leader seems nice, she used to run the disabled line dancing group, which I used to adults with disabilities to. At first dd loved it, but her behaviour started to deteriorate and she would not do a full session. I payed for a carer to take her dancing instead, she responded very well and started to do full sessions again and seemed a lot happier.

A few weeks ago the carer told me after she had been dancing that the teacher told her not to bring dd in for a few weeks as they are doing shows, I thought ok there must be competitions going in, or others are doing exams. This week when I called the dance school to enquire when to take dd back to dancing I was told that this sat her dance class that she attends is having a show, which appears I have not been told about and dd app wars to be excluded from.

I feel so hurt, they could have found her a small part and her carer would have been there to support her. Therefore her class have been preparing for a show without her . I have taken tge decision not to send her back, have been recommended a very good dance school by someone who knows of Autistic chikdren who attend it. I phone up and the owner sounds very positive so she will try there.

I just feel so dd was excluded without the dance teacher telling me or contacting me.

Thank you very much for all your support, I haven't still been able to soak to her dance teacher, she is miraculously unavailable. Princess I was the same, I did ballet at 5, but my mum was told not to bring me back as I was too hyper and uncoordinated, same with Spanish dancing. Tomorrow is their supposed stance show for dd class (the dance school secretary told me). Dd will start on 21 June for 4 lessons to see how it goes.

I just feel,so sad, before I had the carers on board to support, I got the impression that they were inflexible regarding dd disability, teacher suggested a shirt break when dd mealtdowns were at her worse, and said she was difficult to cope with. Then I started to pay for support and her behaviour was so much better.

OP looking forward is it possible for you to take your DD to her dance classes yourself instead of having a carer take her? Some dance schools (not many, but some) allow parents to be in the room during the lesson or at least have windows into the room so you can watch the lesson. That way you can keep an eye on how the lessons are going. Not to check up on the school, but so you can support your DD.

My DD has been dancing since she was 2, at different schools when we move house, and the only term which ended up a disaster for her was one where they had lessons in a room with a solid oak door so I couldn't see or hear what was going on in the room and parents were not allowed inside. I do think some children while young need parents' support in class - teacher should be fine with it as long as you are only supporting (not interfering).

Some teachers, sorry to say this, will take the easy way out and exclude any child who needs extra effort in being included and I would guess it was easy to tell the carer not to come back. She may not have had the guts to say that to you in person.

This isn't uncommon my little boy ASD was excluded from his nativity at his nursery as he is non verbal they said I could bring him to watch with him sat on my knee I refused he is willing to be inclusive unfortunately others aren't willing to include him I find it sad!

Kawliga dd does better without me, I used to support her in dance but I was not working out so decided to try a specialist autistic carer which really helped

This is so sad. How has your DD taken it, or have you managed to keep her essentially unaware?

My eldest is Autistic. He's been on football teams (as the first aider), had an active role in the school play (as set coordinator and in charge of drawing the curtains - although he did get a bit bored towards the end and tried to end the show early by pulling the curtains).

He used to keep score at PE lessons after warm up because his dyspraxia makes it hard for him to enjoy participation in the team elements of sport.

Good teachers can find roles so that events are enjoyable for all. I really hope that the new dance school does this for you and your DD.

At DS's current school (he's in an ASD unit linked to a mainstream school) he's in charge of getting drinks to the children who want them when they finish their races on sports day. He's really excited about it - its a serious and important job!

OP, how do you know she does better without you - do you mean she seems happier after lessons if you were not there at the lesson? Or do you mean the teachers told you she did better without you? Just that those teachers are the same ones who later excluded her. It's hard to know how a lesson went if you were not actually there, no matter how much you get reports. If it's the carer who told you she did better, was the carer there beforehand to be able to compare?

Sorry, not trying to make a thing about it, just thinking this school just took the easy way out because they didn't have to tell you to your face.

No she is blissfully unaware, does nit have a clue thank goodness. Kaw, she seems happier and calmer with tge carer, mabey I'm over anxious, mabey it's because I'm her mum.

Yes they did, tgey relayed it through the carer that there are shows on and dd should come at such and such a date after them, what they failed to mention is that her class will be doing a show, to which dd is not included. I found out her class were doing a show this week when I rang the school to find out when dd classes were resuming. The secretary told me that this sat dd class us doing a show, it and the penny dropped.

That they would be rehearsing for the show, and did not want dd there

Glad to hear your DD is unaware, but for you.

With the new school, please try to be there yourself rather than have a carer. If possible, you are her mother, you are best for her even though you might feel over-anxious. When your dd is older and looks back on these years she will remember you being there for her. I think of dance as something I share with my dd just by taking her to lessons, and waiting there for her and just sharing the experience with her really. She doesn't always behave perfectly but I'm there to see the good days and the difficult days. Try to relax, don't be too hard on yourself.

Kawliga I understand your sentiment but in the case of my Autistic son my presence is an excuse for him to not partake. He would live out his life within his bedroom given the chance. Unless he's exposed to life and to an extent put into situations that he's not completely comfortable/ doesn't know how to behave properly he'll never develop toward his potential.

Sending him out with trained professionals is not the easy choice but it is essential that he tentatively finds his own feet away from my protection and trys to learn to handle the world a little on his own (with support).

It means that I am there at home ready to share his experience when he gets home. He realises he can survive outside the house. That other people can support him (I want him to outlive me)! Its taken years for me to realise that wrapping him in my arms of protection isn't something I'm going to be able to do all his life so gently nudging him in the right direction for a degree of independence is the way to go.

With my younger son being on the sidelines is great but with the eldest its really not the way to be, its tough not being there too.

Kawiga it is extremely difficult for me to be there, dh us working, I don't drive (school is 10 miles away) and I gave an active toddler with no family or friends who could regularly take care of him. I could not adequately support her whilst trying to get ds not to run around and climb. Yes in agree missformum that is exactly what used to happen, dd knew I was there, would cry if mealtdown so that mummy can rake her home. She will quite happily stay at home all day which is not good. With tge carer she is do much better, her participation us better, plus it is logistically easier for me. I just used to find tge whole thing stressful and dd would pick up on that.

There are autistic children at dds full time vocational dance school (we think dd may have aspergers). They can struggle with the pressure or socially but they are still capable of dancing at a high level.

Is this discrimination not illegal?

I totally agree, if you have an autistic child it is so important for them to be able to function without mum and dad at times and will help develop the skills in adulthood. Of course I would go to her dance presentations, shows etc

I just want to say that I've been through a very similar situation this week with my daughters dance school....she has cerebral palsy, has given them a lot of commitment...and it's been made clear that she's not really welcome in their show, no has she ever had one of the certificates they give out weekly to acknowledge progress...despite being there a year and a half. Sometimes you have to pick your battles, and I've chosen to walk away from this one. It's really hard to find classes where people understand what inclusion is...sadly they're unlikely to ever work it out. I hope you find something better. Much love xxx

Oh no smo how awful, your poor dd. I'm just going to walk away with this one I think. Smo have you found another dance school for dd?

I think so...I've a friend with a disabled daughter who has been very happy with hers...so going to give it a try. We did try disability dance, but my daughter doesn't have a learning disability and didn't enjoy being out of mainstream. X

That is fantastic smo, dd us high functioning but goes to an autistic school dye to it's calm therapeutic environment and specialist staff. I want her to be out there in the community with her nt peers, as her communication and interaction has really improved.

We had an almost identical experience. DD (6, with ADHD) had been going to ballet class for 18 months and tap for 6 months. I'd sent back the forms for the show, with the money. It was only on the day we had to go and get the tickets for the show and I'd queued for an hour that the teacher said when I got to the front "oh I meant to speak to you before, I don't think DD will be doing the show".

This was in front of all the mothers I'd been queuing with for an hour.

She spoke to me the following week - bit late - and said the other mothers wouldn't like it if DD mucked up the dance. The previous dancing school my DSs went to, the teacher would have sent one of the Big Girls on with her to hold her hand.

I took her out of ballet and wrote to the teacher to say I wasn't paying the term's notice either.

She stayed at tap and all was OK, until we went back after Xmas to find that all the girls she'd been in the class with for over a year had gone up into the next class, and she was left there with a new load of 5 yos. When she told me she didn't want to go anymore I didn't try to change her mind and we stopped going. I couldn't believe they'd done it to her twice .

Sad to hear others have had the same problem.

Oh no. Talullah that is awful, your poor dd . I guess dd would muck up the show, it's awful that they care more for their precious shows than children!

Omg what an utter bitch, serves tge dance teacher right she has no children.