Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or is dh?

49 replies

thenamechanger · 23/05/2014 11:08

Dh has been offered a job which is a little more money and a slightly better job than the one he currently has but would mean him moving to France for a few months with a week here and there back home.
I have 2 small children the youngest is under 1. I have no car and youngest is still a terrible sleeper.
Dh initially turned the job down as it's just not the right time for our family as I'm absolutely knackered with the baby and our eldest is going through a lot at the minute.
Dh comes in today looking for his passport to send off some documents for the job because apparently he's accepted it now..
Without telling me!
He thinks I'm not supporting him and should be glad he's got a better job..
I'd at least like a heads up if your moving away from home for a few months thanks?
Aibu or is dh?

OP posts:
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 23/05/2014 11:10

Of course your DH is being U!!

It's a massive decision to make which impacts the whole of his family, not just him so no way should he just decide and tell you after.

What the hell was he thinking?

Original poster
thenamechanger · 23/05/2014 11:12

I have no idea? I'm in shock I think.. I don't know if I want to be angry with him or upset at how little he thinks of my involvement in such a huge decision..

OP posts:
NightOfTheCactus · 23/05/2014 11:16

YANBU. Your relationship is supposed to be a partnership. In partnerships, decisions like this should always be made together. I'm actually pretty shocked that he thinks this is acceptable, especially when you've made your feelings known already.

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 23/05/2014 11:19

YADNBU Your 'D'H is BVVVVVVVVU and a disrespectful arse. You are supposed to be a parnership and be making decsions like this together not him making it unilaterally.

Twat...your 'D'H not you.

SlimJiminy · 23/05/2014 11:21

YANBU. This is a huge decision and not one he should be making without discussing it with you. What if you'd accepted a job that involved going overseas too? Without discussing it with him first? Would you just leave the kids at home to fend for themselves? Complete arse.

3littlefrogs · 23/05/2014 11:21

He is behaving like a single, childless person.
I would be very shocked and upset by this. Sad
I don't know what to advise TBH. It sounds as if you have very different views around marriage and parenting.
YANBU at all, but your DH may not accept that.

Original poster
thenamechanger · 23/05/2014 11:22

WIBU to LTB?

OP posts:
justmatureenough2bdad · 23/05/2014 11:27

could you move to france?

Original poster
thenamechanger · 23/05/2014 11:35

No I wouldn't want to move our eldest schools as we'd be moving back after a few months. It's not a long stay but long enough to consult your wife about!

OP posts:
HappyAgainOneDay · 23/05/2014 11:53

I agree with the others in that he should have discussed it with you. Now that the deed is done, it would be nice for him if you were to support him in the new job. Any new job is daunting at the beginning and this is a better job so he'll be happier in this one than his previous one.

Yes, you'll have to deal with the children by yourself but look at the positive side. You won't have to cook his evening meal, you won't have to do his laundry, you won't have to buy his food. Will his meals and accommodation be provided free? If so, you'll save on electricity, water and petrol.

dreamingbohemian · 23/05/2014 12:00

YANBU

And no you don't have to accept this as done, tell him you're not willing to do it.

There's loads of advice to be given if you want to make this work but given he did it without consulting you, I don't see why you should make it happen.

Original poster
thenamechanger · 23/05/2014 12:09

He's already agreed to it and has said he can't say no as he's already turned it down once and won't go back on his word now which I do kind of understand. Doesn't stop me feeling so livid at being left out of the decision.
I feel so deceived and I already have issues with dh including problems with trust.
I feel this may be the straw that broke the camel's back...

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 23/05/2014 12:17

So he won't go back on his word to his boss.... but he'll go back on his word to you? How is that right? You agreed he wouldn't do it, then he said yes anyway.

If it were me, I would make him use the extra money to hire in extra childcare and home help while he's gone, whatever support you need. Then when he comes back I would LTB because I would never be able to trust him again.

What other support do you have in RL?

MangoBiscuit · 23/05/2014 12:21

Shock He's gone right through unreasonable and is way out the other side somewhere. I honestly don't think I could stay with my DH if he pulled something like this. Sorry OP.

Original poster
thenamechanger · 23/05/2014 12:23

Not much dreaming, my mum's not far but has a full time job and dh's parents aren't well enough to look after dcs for more than an hour or so.
I'm quite isolated where I am with not having a car and I don't really have any friends.
I agree that he's not on by going back on his word to me, I don't know what to do. I'm a SAHM and feel quite trapped in our relationship for lack of a better term.
We've been together since we where young and if always just felt like his wife and since having children I feel like wife and mother and don't even know who I'd be alone anymore.
I'm not happy and this is just the icing on the cake.

OP posts:
Original poster
thenamechanger · 23/05/2014 12:24

I have* not if sorry

OP posts:
diddl · 23/05/2014 12:27

I think it's terrible that he accepted it without saying anything!

So, after the few months of being in France-what then?

How long is a few & when?

BarbarianMum · 23/05/2014 12:32

Shock YANBU!

Well, to my way of thinking, by doing this he has pretty much left you. Certainly, if my dh behaved like this (Ie made such a massive change in our living arrangements without my agreement) I would consider that he'd left our marriage. And there'd be no popping back for the occassional week here and there either.

Coffeethrowtrampbitch · 23/05/2014 12:34

That is terrible. Could you move house before he leaves, or take an intensive driving course and buy a car? I know you might not be able to afford to do these things but if he has a wage increase you could put expenses on a credit card and pay them off. Anything to avoid being isolated without transport and two small children on your own.

Fundamentally I'd prepare for life as a single parent now when he is away, and decide when he comes back from work if you are willing to continue the relationship given that he is in no way treating you as an equal.

Original poster
thenamechanger · 23/05/2014 12:40

That sounds like a good idea coffee, like a trial seperation, I could see how I feel without him.
I feel like this might be the end, I can't see myself trusting him after this like others have said. I just feel so sad for the dcs :(

OP posts:
dexter73 · 23/05/2014 12:43

I agree with BarbarianMum. He is leaving you and going to live in another country even though he knows you don't want him to go and will be stuffed when he does. Sounds like he is doing what he wants to do without a thought for you or his children.

HecatePropylaea · 23/05/2014 12:44

Does he not have a car? If so, I'd say that my minimum requirement would be that he leaves the car with me for the duration.

Accepting a job that massively impacts on you, without bothering to make it a joint decision must feel like a massive 'fuck you'. I think that he has a responsibility to solve the problems he has created by accepting this job. So what solutions for the problems he is leaving you with does he have?

SanityClause · 23/05/2014 12:46

You seem really lost, OP, but this could be a fabulous chance to work out who you are outside of "wife" and "mother".

Who do you really want to be? If you could just up sticks and let someone else hold the fort, what would you do?

Then see how you can go about becoming that person. (I'm not suggesting you do just leave your DC, by the way, I just think you need to work out what you want, then see if you can make it happen.)

FunLovinBunster · 23/05/2014 12:48

YABU. Learn how to drive.

3littlefrogs · 23/05/2014 12:49

This may be an opportunity.
Wave him off, then see how you and the DC get along without him.
You may find life easier.
You may re-evaluate your life and make some decisions.