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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

or is dh?

49 replies

thenamechanger · 23/05/2014 11:08

Dh has been offered a job which is a little more money and a slightly better job than the one he currently has but would mean him moving to France for a few months with a week here and there back home.
I have 2 small children the youngest is under 1. I have no car and youngest is still a terrible sleeper.
Dh initially turned the job down as it's just not the right time for our family as I'm absolutely knackered with the baby and our eldest is going through a lot at the minute.
Dh comes in today looking for his passport to send off some documents for the job because apparently he's accepted it now..
Without telling me!
He thinks I'm not supporting him and should be glad he's got a better job..
I'd at least like a heads up if your moving away from home for a few months thanks?
Aibu or is dh?

OP posts:

Tinkerball · 23/05/2014 12:49

Is there other problems in your relationship ?

Christmascandles · 23/05/2014 12:51

^^ what coffee says....

I too would use the time to see how I felt without him there. And tbh I think you'll feel a whole lot happier, just you and the DC.

I would also be tempted to put the house on the market without telling him and then watch his face when he saw the For Sale board. Surely if he can make major decisions on his own, then so can you....? But maybe I'm just being bitchy

I don't like the fact tho that he just assumes you will be there to look after the DC. We both know that you would be - dykwim..?

3littlefrogs · 23/05/2014 12:59

I would also make sure you copy payslips, bank statements etc.
It does sound as if he is planning to leave the marriage.
Unbelievable cruel to allow you to move away from your family and support network, then go off leaving you high and dry.
Make sure he leaves the car, check the tax and insurance documents, get your name on the insurance.
Is the house in joint names?

justmatureenough2bdad · 23/05/2014 15:32

i don't really see the connection between his actions and "planning to leave the marriage"

fwiw, i think he has done wrong by you, but i don't necessarily also think it's fair for you to "tell him he can't do it"...perhaps he is thinking, as the primary earner in the marriage, this will benefit you all and may improve his future prospects such that he is better able to provide for you all.... perhaps you could discuss the possibility of using some of the better wages to hire some help for the periods he is away...

also for clarity...you say " a few months with a week home here and there"....what does that actually mean? 3 months with a week home each month? six months with 2 week long breaks... just wondering how unmanageable it is?

JeanSeberg · 23/05/2014 16:09

Yes he should have discussed it BUT I'm sensing he knows you would have told him he couldn't go hence not wanting to tell you till it was a done deal.

I don't see a problem with him spending a couple of months in France? What's with all the LTB hysteria?

dreamingbohemian · 23/05/2014 16:35

Because the only way he can go to France is if the OP does all the parenting on her own, 24/7, with no support, no way to get around, etc.

Of course she has every right to say no, I don't fancy that. If he really wants to go then he needs to persuade her, offer to buy in help, etc., not just go anyway. It's so disrespectful.

Joysmum · 23/05/2014 16:53

I would take the time to change your life too to make your life more independent and fulfilling. Then you are better placed to end the relationship if you aren't happy with him being away.

If it were me and I didn't agree to live like that and was not even considered or consulted, I'd have told him to either back out or big off. You deserve equal say in your partnership.

RedRoom · 23/05/2014 18:46

It seems like he is being pretty selfish: he gets to travel, get a pay rise, the challenge of a new job, plus none of the routine housework and child care. Instead, he's left all that to you. Charming.

Obviously, it sounds like a great opportunity for him and can see why he is keen to go. However, to take make such a life changing decision (especially for your children) without telling you that he was doing so, regardless of your concerns and without proper agreement, is not on. He isn't single. He isn't single and childless and can't just move to another country as if he were. Hectate is right- he should have tried to address yours concerns about transport etc first and found ways to solve the problems he has created.

I totally agree with the others about using this time to see how you find things without him. As you say, you are currently quite isolated due to a lack of friends and transport, so you could see this as a nudge in the right direction to find ways to connect with more new friends. His extra money should be going straight to you to pay for taxi fares plus driving lessons if you need them and then a cheap car. He certainly shouldn't be using it to live it up in French restaurants whilst you walk home from Tesco with two kids and an armful of bags.

RedRoom · 23/05/2014 18:47

Sorry, that is full of so much repetition and lots of typos!

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/05/2014 18:52

Problems with trust and he wants to fuck off to France to live alone for a few months? Sounds a charmer. Let him go, see a lawyer and work out if you want him to come back and visit at all.

BTW if the job is only a little more money, who is paying for the move, flights, travel, calling home, emergency trips if necessary, wrap around childcare to make up for his absence, rent on wherever he will stay, hotel or residence if he needs one, healthcare if different etc. etc?

GoblinLittleOwl · 23/05/2014 18:54

You may find you are happier without him. But you must insist on a car, essential if you are isolated. Also, insist on visiting him in France.

RhondaJean · 23/05/2014 19:04

Ok it was a bit unfair not to talk to you but why didn't he? Is it because you would be resolutely negative perhaps about something which matters a lot to him? If he does this you say it's a little more money now, does it improve his long term prospects?

What exactly did you hope to gain by him NOT taking it?

I'm nowhere near ltb on this yet.

harriet247 · 23/05/2014 19:05

If I were you o
Id see this as a good opportunity to ltb. He clearly doesnt want to be part of this family really. You dont sound happy, and it os so sad for the dcs but at leaat while they are young they will not feel the upheaval so much.
Im sending you a big old hug.

Loverofpeas · 23/05/2014 19:05

It should have been a joint decision. His choice effects everyone, not just him. It's really bad that's he's moving away just when you needed support.

Using it as a trial separation sounds good. Think how you want your life to be and make those changes. If you are too isolated, move or buy a car. Make a support network of friends.

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/05/2014 19:12

Rhonda are you seriously telling me that if someone came on here and said, "AIBU to tell work that I'm going to take the job in France they've offered me, without getting the OK from my DH, because he would be negative about it?" you would say, "great, that's a brilliant idea, leave your DH and very young DC and fill your boots. I hear wine and cheese are nice."?

What exactly did you hope to gain by him NOT taking it? His presence bringing up his children? One of whom is under one!

BoneyBackJefferson · 23/05/2014 19:14

Was the initial decision actually made by him?

RhondaJean · 23/05/2014 20:15

No mrs t. Don't be so daft.

Let's not get overly emotional here. Firstly its a few months, not a permanent move, which will include time back here by him and could include time over there by op and the family. There's no suggestion that he won't be present bringing up his children. Just that he will not be constantly present for a few months.

And yes I do think people should be entitled to fill their boots when it comes to their career actually.

If this opportunity will lead to better things, he is completly right to take it. I would not hesitate to.

And what the fuck do wine and cheese have to do with anything, or is that just a nice little bit of casual racism/cultural stereotyping you decided to throw in for good measure.

DrizzlyTuesday · 23/05/2014 20:21

OP you are SO not being unreasonable.

MrsKCastle · 23/05/2014 20:38

Bloody hell I can't believe anyone thinks he was right to take the job. Taking it has a HUGE impact on the OP and should only ever have happened with her support. It doesn't matter that it's only a few months, that can feel like forever when you have young kids and are isolated.

For some families, this job could be a fantastic opportunity. For some it could be a terrible idea and cause all sorts of problems. And the only way to decide is through a lot of discussion, weighing up pros and cons and a joint decision.

OP, I would make my feelings known. I would outline what I expected in terms of spending the extra money e.g. extra childcare, cleaner so you can rest more during the day as you'll be doing all nights, or whatever will make your life easier. And yes, I would be seriously thinking about whether to stay with someone with so little respect for me.

dreamingbohemian · 23/05/2014 22:09

How is it racist to say they have nice wine and cheese in France?

Finney2 · 23/05/2014 22:30

I'm so shocked that people would think this is an OK thing to do. What if the OP just decided that she fancied going to do a job in, say, Spain and fucked off without so much as a second glance, leaving the husband to do 24/7 childcare? Would that be OK?

So what if it's something the husband 'really wants to do'? I really want to go and be a hotshot writer in New York but I can't because I have responsibilities here and my family always comes first.

I'd LTB if I were the OP. And I've genuinely ever said that before on here.

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/05/2014 00:08

How is it racist to say they have nice wine and cheese in France? No idea dreaming. Since they have appellation d'origine contrôlée on several wines and cheeses, I think the French know they are rather good at this and are proud of it. If Rhonda is actually interested my point was that for a small increase in money and a small increase in prestige, I wouldn't give up seeing my child every day. There must be other reasons, wine and cheese is as good as any (I was being sarcastic).

I understand and agree with the MN consensus that Dads are full and partner parents. That their opinion and love is as important as a mother's. Can't square that with the idea that they can just fuck off for months because their career is more important without a consensus. Utterly bizarre.

I had the chance recently to go a few hundreds of miles away to do some training for work. I checked with DH and my childcare before I answered. That is a few DAYS. Because when you are a family, you are needed if you are a parent. Do you think the Mum could just tell her DH she had found a job abroad and he would have to suck up the consequences? Not a snowball's chance in hell.

Either fathers are important or not. If we believe, and as a feminist and a parent I do, that they are important, we have to have expectations about what that means. Making a unilateral decision about not seeing your baby for weeks on end for months, isn't OK.

dreamingbohemian · 24/05/2014 00:15

Amen, MrsTerry

PrincessBabyCat · 24/05/2014 02:48

Growing up my father traveled a lot and was hardly around. Everytime he got a job we'd pick up and move. It didn't affect me and DB's relationship with him as we didn't know any different. We still have a good relationship with him today.

But, it put a huge strain on the marriage. My mother was constant stressed out beyond her limits. It eventually came down to whether he picked his career or his family. He picked his family and we stopped moving and he made do with jobs in the area.

I don't know what the answer is for this, but don't pass the stress down to your children like my mother did. Do your best to keep a calm and consistent household for them while you deal with your husband.

I agree with some of these posters. See how it is without him, it might be an eye opener that you two aren't really compatible. It might also be an eye opener that you are compatible, but things need to change.

You do have the right to be pissed though. This was a team decision and he should have included you in on it.

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