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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel annoyed that my parents have now said I can't have this money

65 replies

Rkg233 · 23/05/2014 10:37

Probably will get told I'm being entitled but oh well. Just need to get it off my chest more than anything.
DS was born this January and at Christmas my mum and dad said they would buy the pram for us as our Christmas present. They gave us a budget of £500 and we found one on offer for £300 out shopping one afternoon so my mum said buy it and we'll give you the money on Christmas Day as your Christmas present. We didn't have a spare £300 so put it on the credit card, my parents were aware of this but said they'd give us the money on Christmas Day so we wouldn't accumulate any interest on it. We were really grateful for this. I know they said a budget of £500 but I did not expect the rest of the money we hadn't spent, just the money for the pram. On Christmas Day they didn't give us the money and said they'd give it us in January (my sister got an iPad on Christmas Day from them!) I thought fair enough.
It's now May and we still haven't been given the money which means we haven't had a Christmas present. Luckily we managed to pay off the cc. I'm not too bothered about it but we got given our notice on our flat a couple of months ago so have had to move. We're moving tomorrow and have to pay upwards of £1200 in admin fees, the bond and rent for our house tomorrow. We will get the bond back from our flat but not for a couple of weeks. We've also had to buy all white goods as our new house doesn't come with them (this flat did) so have depleted a lot of our savings (which was meant to be savings for a mortgage deposit) and had to put some on the credit card.
Last week my mum said she would get the money to me and this morning she's just text to say she can't afford to give us the £300. AIBU to be annoyed?

OP posts:
WooWooOwl · 23/05/2014 11:10

YANBU. Unreliable people who don't do what they say they are going to do are incredibly hard to deal with.

MargotLovedTom · 23/05/2014 11:12

No, YANBU at all and under the circumstances I think you'd be quite within your rights to pull them up on it (and be a lot more wary in the future).

Groovee · 23/05/2014 11:15

My mum and dad did this to me. Offered to buy the cot and left us to pay for it. They bought a pram for my sister's first child. Cot for the other sister's first child and a cot for my brothers children.

But they bought an £800 pram for their first great grandchild.

So I don't let them offer to get anything now x

Pagwatch · 23/05/2014 11:15

YANBU

It is irrelevant that it is about money - they made a promise which caused you to take on an obligation which you otherwise wouldn't. Backing out is a shitty thing to do.

You know now never to rely upon their word and, whilst I would not mention this again, if they say on another occasion 'oh buy yourself an xxx and we will give you the money' I would very clearly say 'gosh no. I won't do that because I can't afford it'

With regard to your son, give them one chance. They may be better about this with a child [hopeful]
If they then let him down then warn your child not to expect what they promise to actually happen and say to them 'you arn't promising something that won't happen to a child are you - because that would be a really awful thing to do'

MargotLovedTom · 23/05/2014 11:16

fishstix you are a more tolerant person than me! You say your relationship with your MIL means so much that you don't want to fall out with her because of the way she's mucked you about. I'm afraid in your shoes my relationship with her would be completely soured by her disregard and insensitivity.

Viviennemary · 23/05/2014 11:19

YANBU. She should have given you the money as you were promised. I don't think this is unheard of though in families. Money or items offered and then offer withdrawn. Unfair.

doughballdoughballdoughball · 23/05/2014 11:22

YANBU to be annoyed with your parents. I've countless similar experiences with my parents, eg offering to pay towards accommodation fees, then reneging on that when the invoice came through.

YY to getting the jumperoo off ebay. I bought a Jumperoo for each of my kids that way, and was fortunate with the bidding each time I sold it one, made a small profit each time.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 23/05/2014 11:25

I agree, YANBU. It doesn't sound as though you expected your DP's to buy anything for the baby - but they insisted on buying you a pram for your Christmas present & have basically made you buy your own present.

Even though they have a good income, it does sound as though they may still be living beyond their means. I know it sounds impossible, but just think of all those footballers/TV stars etc. who earn £m's & the find themselves bankrupt! So cash flow may be a problem at times, but even so, surely you prioritise paying back the £300 you owe for your grandchild's pram over your umpteenth holiday of the year? Confused

My parents would never have done this to me, and I would never do it to my DCs. So much better to not offer/insist in the first place if you can't/won't pay it back.

Good luck with your house move Flowers.

Tinkerball · 23/05/2014 11:26

Yanbu and you definitely don't sound entitled, is it something you can discuss with them?

TheFuzz · 23/05/2014 11:31

Forget their Christmas present next year !

Ronmione · 23/05/2014 11:31

If your mum can afford it, I would be inclined to ask her why she isn't prepared to give you the money

TequilaMockingbirdy · 23/05/2014 11:34

That's really unfair

diddl · 23/05/2014 11:39

So they can't afford to give you the £300 ever?

That's awful to make such a promise & not keep it.

Unless there have been unforeseen circs in the meantime.

FidelineandFumblin · 23/05/2014 11:41

YANBU at all.

Original poster
Rkg233 · 23/05/2014 11:41

Tinkerball if I discuss it with them they will just keep repeating 'oh we will give you it next pay day/week' etc etc.

diddl - if by unforeseen circumstances you mean booking a week to the South of France next week!

OP posts:
Finola1step · 23/05/2014 11:43

When I read your thread title I thought "Oh here we go" and was ready with a YABU.

But what your parents have done is really below the belt. Thank goodness you didn't spend the full £500 on the pram. And the promising of presents for your ds and then not bothering is really crap.

Next time when there is a promise of something, no matter how small, I think you should reply with something like this... "Thank you but I will have to say no thank you. I have learnt from past experience with the pram and the christening gift that you actually have no real intention of seeing your promises through. So I think it's best that no promises are made. Another cuppa?"

diddl · 23/05/2014 11:44

Oh that's awful-no, that's not unforeseen at all!

If they had even thought to say that they'd have to give £50 a month or something.

Fannydabbydozey · 23/05/2014 12:03

Oh god I've had this too... My dad got a little inheritance from a long lost relative and promised we'd all get a bit as it was so unexpected. I didn't but the parents travelled round Asia for five months! My perpetually broke, no kids, 36 year old sister got some. But she's been plundering the bank of mum and dad for years and years so that wasn't unexpected really. I remember when my gran was dying and she said "I've not really done a will as I'm sure your mum will just split it between you all..." I was thinking...errrrm, not sure about that! I was right! They didn't have much though so I wasn't too surprised (aside from their savings - out of date currency stashed in the loft... Not the best ever idea)

I think you should never promise what you can't deliver - but it seems that isn't the case for quite a lot of people. My FIL does it too - always promising visits and gifts (they live abroad) yet we rarely see them and they've never given presents to the kids in their lives! And they are seriously minted. I don't care what they spend their dosh on - but I wish they'd stop promising things that are unlikely to happen.

I've sadly learned from a young age that i can only rely on myself when it comes to money. Finance and relatives so often don't mix well!

Original poster
Rkg233 · 23/05/2014 12:05

YY - I don't really care what my parents spend their money on. Just don't promise me money when I'm not nearly as well off as you then take it back, especially when you know I've got a lot of things going out this month!

OP posts:
Pumpkinpositive · 23/05/2014 12:11

YANBU, this is very poor behaviour on your parents part. Do they form for this sort of thing? Are they usually profligate and bad at money management?

It's well you know this for the future though, lest they start offering to 'reimburse' you for a new car/house, etc! Shock

mimishimmi · 23/05/2014 12:14

YANBU. I think it might possibly be a control thing too which is sad.

ICanSeeTheSun · 23/05/2014 12:24

I think this isn't about the money, but the fact that they have not delivered on a promise.

I wouldn't be happy either.

akwardsazzle · 23/05/2014 13:13

a few years ago my husband had a windfall for around 5 grand, we had been engaged for years and struggling to save up for a wedding and a house deposit, my dad said go for the wedding and promised my some inheritance money from my grandad when the time came for a house deposit. we had the wedding around three years ago and since then my dad has made it clear that he has no intention of giving any inheritance to us. - its not about the money, although i know it seems like it, but i could kick myself as we would not have spent what we had otherwise. the whole situation makes me feel like a terrible person - being annoyed over something like this. i just wish he had never promised it. YANBU.

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 23/05/2014 13:22

Gosh, how horrible of them. And when you use the pram every day, it must be like a fresh reminder each time. Do you think they favour your sister?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 23/05/2014 13:28

Yanbu and next time she makes some grandiose promise just say oh mum like that's going to happen! And if she exhibits surprise at your reaction tell her it sounds great but we both know it's never going to materialise.