That I'm upset about something DP said or as it's truth should I accept it?

[FatUglyMum]

I have a young baby of 5 months old and since becoming pregnant to now I'm 2 stone heavier than what I was then. I've never been my ideal weight and have struggled my whole life with weight and self esteem issues but last year I was a little bit happy with my weight and appearance although it still wasn't ideal. My partner told me about 3 years ago that he wanted me to lose weight as he basically didn't feel attracted to me, so although it hurt, I knew I was overweight and I tried to lose some and I did. This afternoon, the issue came up of weight and he basically said again that he wants me to lose the weight, he doesn't feel I care about myself and that's selfish as it affects him. Maybe he is right but it still hurts and even more so that I've had a baby and since the turn of the year I've lost half a stone, I am trying in my own way but I think he expects me to be hardcore about it when actually I take time to lose weight. I hate and always have hated my body so I wonder if this is making me feel so hurt by his comments or should I just man up (as they say) and accept truth I'm fat, unattractive and undesirable

That's horrible-it's one thing wanting to support you if you wanted to lose weight, or worrying for health reasons, but to say its unfair on him?! I bet he's not so perfect himself, but loving someone is about caring about them for who they are, not attaching conditions to it.

yanbu to be upset at all, i would feel exactly the same if my DH said those kinds of comments to me.

In my opinion u should be loved unconditionally if he has chosen to have a child with u.

there is a big difference between calling someone fat and unattractive and delicately mentioning their weight in a way that shows u are simply concerned more in a health way.

and as for his 'it affects me' comment, id have told him right where to go!

well done on losing half a stone! Keep it up and have a look at others ways that could help u reach your target but do it for yourself not your partner

He sounds like an arsehole. Your baby is only 5 months old and already he's pressurising you into worrying about your weight when you are still recovering from birth and looking after a very young baby, presumably still waking in the night.

If he had said that he'd like to look after your baby so that you can have some time for yourself to relax, nap, go to the gym or whatever else you fancy doing, fair enough. But rather than being supportive he is making you feel awful about yourself, which inevitably ends up making most of us reach for the comfort food.

My DP and I have both put on a bit of weight since we met. I still fancy him as much as ever and he says the same of me whether or not that is true . Wg support each other with healthy eating and exercise but would never criticise each other, having both been insulted by previous partners for weight issues.

Is your partner otherwise loving and just being very blunt in his attempts to help you get fitter or is he (as I suspect) not very helpful or supportive and holds you to very high standards which he probably doesn't live up to himself?

He's really not being supportive. And is actually being cruel with what he's saying.

Your baby is 5 months old?? Teeny baby that needs your attention.

Please change your user name.

And I've just re-read your post, your baby is 5 months old that's nothing! Do not get down about this, bloody hell your baby is still brand new, enjoy your baby and although don't forget the weight, if think u need to lose it, it just doesn't need to be a major priority right now.

i recently joined an evening swimming class, my baby is 6 months and im really enjoying that. Its a nice form of exercise i think. Good luck

You're not unreasonable to be upset about it however perhaps your dh us just being honest and not meaning to be unkind. As you yourself feel unhappy with your weight then maybe you can lose it with his help Try the 5:2. It's an easier way.

Ohhhh can you join an expensive gym, leave him with the baby 4 times a week and go to swim/work out.

Mind you baby is only 5 months so you are still recovering from pregnancy and birth.

Is he usually so crass and unsupportive.

I would tell my husband if he put on weight and I no longer felt attracted to him, but the difference is that you have a 5 month old baby. I wouldn't feel bad about 2 stone of extra weight when I have a five month old baby. The general rule is 9months on and nine months off, but it often takes much longer.

If she told her dh he is a wank badger would that be being cruel to be kind maddy?

Tell him to fuck right off op-you have a very young baby to worry about. The only weight you need to lose is him.

Gosh, he sounds an absolute delight, doesn't he. I hope he is buff as hell and helping look after your baby whilst he makes time for work and keeping buff.

DH and I support each other with healthy stuff. By giving each other time for the gym, talking about how the family can eat better and do things like grow vegetables to get DD into this. We want to be a good example and also stay healthy for each other and DD.

What we don't do is judge and criticise and say that we don't find the other attractive. You have a tiny baby to look after AND you have done really well with your self-care as well. Good for you.

So since the start of the year you have had a baby and also lost half a stone.

Well done.

Good start.

Keep going for you and your baby.

Point that out to him and tell him encouragement rather than negativity will help you get there a lot quicker.

Any one who makes a woman who had a baby 5 months ago feel unattractive and undesirable needs to look at themselves first.

Tell him 9 months up, 9 months back down again, shortly before you tell him he is cruel, unattractive and undesirable

If you are doing something about losing the extra weight, he really has no right to criticise, so YANBU to be upset.

If my DH ever said I should adjust the way I look to please him, I would show him the door faster than his head could turn. Your "D"H is a cruel selfish bastard who does not respect you and considers you his personal property, put there for his amusement and fulfilment.

Let me guess, he does fuck all housework and childcare too, yes?

OP

I am sure you are neither a fat or ugly Mum. Half a stone weight loss with a five month old baby is really good going.

Unless he look like fucking Chris Hemsworth tell him to fuck off! He sounds like one horrible cheeky cunt! He'd fucking be despised by me I had my last baby almost 8 years ago and I'm still 5 stone overweight. Luckily my DH can see past the size of my arse and realises I'm also a person and his wife. People change, bodies get older, have babies, put on weight and lose it. He needs to remember that you're a person not just there as decoration! Although if he's been like this in the past he is only going to get worse. Tell him that unfortunately him being a selfish fucker is having a massive impact on you and could he please STFU as you're sick of his whining.

OP - please change you're user name. There's a 5 month old that thinks you're the most wonderful, beautiful, fabulous and dynamic person there is. You are that child's world.

Maybe he is the one with the problem. My ExH constantly used to say I would look lovely if I just lost half a stone. I used to hide food in the house so he didn't know I was eating it. He's the one that had bulimia and an image problem. You need to concentrate on your baby and looking after yourself and he needs to realise that bodies change shape and we can all strive to be healthy but he shouldn't be putting pressure on you like this. It is very shallow of him.

My husband put on a lot of weight done years ago and I honestly didn't fancy him. I still loved him. I didn't tell him as I didn't wang to hurt his feelings. After he'd lost weight I told him. He said he wished I had told him years earlier as he had noticed I had distanced myself. I now think honesty is the best policy providing it's done in a supportive way and not critical.

Tell him you know a good way of losing 12 stone (or whatever his weight is) all in one go. You've not long had a baby fgs. Add that if he'd like to employ a personal trainer and a cook for you, you'd be happy to go along with it....

My partner is very fit and slim and "buff". Me, less so. I have borne two of his children; it's had more of an effect on me than him. He still loves me and has NEVER commented on my appearance since the kids.

Theoretically I'm a size 10 - but definitely NOT the size ten I was in 1995!

You are not a fat ugly mum.

Your husband is an entitled, unpleasant prick who sounds as though he doesn't love you.

You only have one life, so don't spend it with someone who doesn't value you.