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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to put DS in full time nursery even though I don't work or need to?

38 replies

WonderingAllowed · 22/05/2014 10:29

DS is 3 and will start school in September.

I have had him in full time nursery while I was studying. That has now finished. I can afford to keep him in there full time for the next two months until I take him out of nursery for good at the end of July. We will be away as a family for the whole of August.

The reason I want to keep him in there is that I suffer terribly from OCD and panic attacks. I really feel like I am going to drop dead or go crazy so I hate being alone with DS. I figure he is better off at nursery as opposed to being at home with his crazy mummy! I also have no friends or family around so am very isolated during the day until DH and the other DC get home.

I had planned to cur down his hours and spend days with just me and DS having picnics, going to the park and doing crafty shit at home but he was at home with me yesterday and I spent the whole day feeling like I was going to faint. I wanted to spend some quality time with him before he starts school but I don't feel that he is safe when he is with just me due to my OCD. I know rationally he is probably safer with me than anyone else but it is hard to convince myself like this when my OCD kicks off.

I feel like shit putting him in nursery though, while I am at home sitting on my arse. AIBU?

OP posts:
FourForksAche · 22/05/2014 10:33

no, yanbu at all, although I would say it gets marginally less stressful the more you do it. What about just half days? Or just a few days of the week?

Original poster
WonderingAllowed · 22/05/2014 10:34

He has been in nursery since just before he was 2 btw. Part time until Feb this year when I increased him to full time so I could catch up with my degree work

OP posts:
diddl · 22/05/2014 10:40

Could you try picking him up half an hour or an hour earlier?

I think it's a shame for you both for him to not at least come home & have lunch & the afternoon together.

What help are you getting?

forago · 22/05/2014 10:43

How did you cope with part time before February? Maybe go back to that? Then pick him up and go staright out for the afternoon - I always find it is better when out - take him for lunch, go to the park etc (ocd-permitting)

Sirzy · 22/05/2014 10:46

Are you getting help for your OCD and panic attacks?

How will you cope when it comes to school holidays when he is at school? Perhaps use this period as chance to slowly increase your alone time together. Pick him up after dinner one day a week and increase that between now and july so you are spending a day or two together a week?

EmmanuelWoganberry · 22/05/2014 10:46

I agree try part time. But if he’s enjoying being at nursery then I don’t see much harm keeping him there some of the time.

LifeIsBetterInFlipFlops · 22/05/2014 10:48

It's fine if it suits you (and him). Many children are in full time nurseries, including my own (I was working anyway) and it does them no harm.

With big decisions, I always think about how I'll feel when I'm 70 and looking back on my life, would I have wished I'd done things differently?

Perhaps try having say a Wednesday afternoon with him and plan to go places together, it will build your confidence up and give you happy memories of quality time spent together.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

JennyOnAPlate · 22/05/2014 10:51

I think you would really regret not spending dome quality time with him while you can. Can you manage a couple of afternoons with him?

DotToDott · 22/05/2014 10:52

I'm sorry you feel like that Sad. It must be tough not being able to enjoy your son.

Could you have him full-time Mon, Wed, Fri, then on Tuesdays and Thursdays pick him up in time for lunch? Maybe take him to the park or something for a picnic- sometimes it's easier when you're not at home.

To be fair, it's only for another two months, if ultimately you cannot manage it wont do him amy harm to continue at nursery for that time when he is already used to it.

How do you manage in the evenings and at weekends?

BlackeyedSusan · 22/05/2014 11:06

you are not putting him in full time nursery, you are just continuing what he is doing already.

i think the idea of trying to pick him up early occasionally is a good one. it may help you cope a little at a time. or perhaps dropping him off later in the mornings so you have the safety net of nursery to take him to if you need it and you are not coping.

you have to do what is best in the circumstances you are in, not what would be best in an ideal world.

i also think you probably scared yourself yesterday by doing too much too soon.

Original poster
WonderingAllowed · 22/05/2014 11:07

Older DCs are around on weekends and school hols. Don't get me wrong, they don't look after DS! It's just gives me a bit of security knowing someone else is around in an emergency.

Currently my fear is that I will drop dead while alone with DS and he will either get out of the house and get run over or hurt himself in the house in any one of the myriad of possibilities that I mind chucks at me. OR another one is that I may go crazy and hurt him (I suffer from 'harm' OCD). Not that I ever would but the fear that I might is excruciating.

I know the answer sadly. He will stay in nursery full time.

I don't know how I will cope when he is at school. I am hoping to get a job after the school hols. Hopefully I will be so bloody busy my mind won't have time to dream up so much crap!

I have had help. OCD is apparently notorious for being hard to get rid of. I just have to live with it as best as I can at the moment.

OP posts:
PrincessBabyCat · 22/05/2014 11:23

There's never a wrong reason to put your child in nursery. He'll be having a good time and making friends, while you get yourself sorted. :)

DD will most likely be in one when I go back to work, and even if I end up working more intensely from home she still might be in one so I have the day to focus.

ikeaismylocal · 22/05/2014 11:28

It must be really hard for you living with ocd :(

I may be wrong but would looking after him occasionally help you to have faith that it is ok?

It may end up being more of an issue when you have to have him at home with you when he's ill ifyou never have him at home.

What about some regular afternoons with you, one or two a week where you can go swimming or to the park so your never truely alone with him, and then try to build up to a half hour at home and then an hour?

ReallyTired · 22/05/2014 11:29

Does your son enjoy nursery? I was in a similar situation with ds as I was studying and he was in full time nursery. I chose to keep him on for two months as he enjoyed seeing his friends.

There is nothing morally wrong with having a child in nursery full time especially at four years old. The fact is that many children absolute thrive on the structure of being at a good nursery.

Do you think you could use the time to get help with with OCD? Maybe you could reduce the hours slightly and use the money saved to pay for some cognitative behavioural therapy. (I'm sorry if I sound patronising) Does your nursery offer school day sessions?

FourForksAche · 22/05/2014 11:30

Wondering, don't feel bad about doing what you think is right for you though. The child free time might be good for working on the cv and looking for jobs.

Athrawes · 22/05/2014 11:32

How about going and spending time with him at nursery. So you have the security of knowing that someone else is there but the two of you get to spend time together. You would get to know his friends too.

Mrsjayy · 22/05/2014 11:34

I think you are doing your son a huge favour keeping him in nursery this looks like im having a go at you im not but if you are as anxious and ill its best he is there untill you are better are you getting any help with your illness

LittleMisslikestobebythesea · 22/05/2014 11:35

I suffer from OCD too, I have had some treatment, but sadly there is no cure, its about managing it if possible.

Could you maybe try and have one afternoon a week with him where you go to a class or do something? The only reason I say this is once they are in school you can't do this, and its one thing I miss.

You do what is right for you, OCD is a very debitating illness, its really shit isn't it :(

cestlavielife · 22/05/2014 11:44

of course do what is right for you.

keep him in full time nursery and take the time to talk to gp about more help, cbt or whatever you need.

if on a day you feel ok you can always pick him up early.

by paying the nursery full tie you have a choice each day so you not pressured - if you feeling good you can take him out early on that day go off do things.

if not you have the back up. this takes the pressure off you.

cestlavielife · 22/05/2014 11:45

ps unless other parents go into nursery its not such a good idea - ds needs to get used to being at other places without you where you know he is safe. and if you having bad day it s not fair on nursery tbh.

cestlavielife · 22/05/2014 11:46

that was with regards to the suggestion to going and spending time with him at nursery. not such a good idea really. unless all parents go in to volunteer and its normal.. .

Original poster
WonderingAllowed · 22/05/2014 12:02

MrsJay I know I come across terribly in my posts but I am not that bad really. I have always taken DS to toddler groups/swimming etc. My 'illness' plays out in my head and I suffer for it badly. It's barely visible on the outside. I have had lots of therapy. I know why I have this hell in my head but I don't ever think I will get rid of it.

I don't think the nursery will take kindly to me staying with him tbh.

He does enjoy it. He is a bit clingy when I drop him and tells me he wants to stay with me (that's why I feel so guilty) but when I observe him on pick up, before he realises I'm there, he is very sociable and looks happy.

Yes, I think I will ask them to keep him full time. I usually drop him later (9am-10am) and pick him up earlier anyway (sometimes at 4pm normally 5pm). I can't reduce his hours as the nursery operates on a half day/full day session basis from 7am-7pm. It's only 2 months right? Not going to scar him for life!

OP posts:
Gen35 · 22/05/2014 12:11

Dd was ft at nursery and still does 4 days a week 8-4, many parents do this. In your case, i'd definitely do it for those two months. As you're job hunting soon anyway, what's the point of changing his routine? I wonder whether a good idea to post for advice under the MH board?

Mrsjayy · 22/05/2014 12:15

Oh goodness me no you dont come across badly my post was probably too short and blunt all I meant is you are not well your son is happy and its ok for him to be there full time people use nursery and childcare fulltime for loads of reasons not just for work I used to have my dds in nursery for longer because my health isnt great

Iwillorderthefood · 22/05/2014 12:19

How were you with your other DC? Was this an issue that you had when they were small? Is this something that is likely to ease off as DS gets older and more able to look after himself?

You have to do what feels right for both of you. Neither of my DC can really remember what they did at nursery in any case at this age, and they just have a vague sense that they enjoyed it. When a child goes to nursery full time, this is what was normal for them at this time, and they are not likely to feel as if they have missed out because they were at full time nursery.

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