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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dd's 1st birthday - politics

38 replies

wheresthelight · 20/05/2014 19:40

Nit strictly an aibu although I probably an a bit!

There is a small group if us that met at a baby playgroup I get on very well with 2 of the girls and with the third I thought we git on fine. Anyways over the last bank holiday weekend friend 3 had organised a small event at a local park and friend 1 and her hubby invited myself, dp and the dsc's along (our dd and dp's 2 kids) and said they would ring us on the day to confirm tines etc. Anyway no phonecall happened but wasn't too bothered as dp and I had gone out for the day.

Anyway saw friend 1's hubby last week (sahd) and asked if they had had a good time at the event thing. He looked very awkward and apologised for not ringing but said friend 3 (happens to be his step mother in case it'srelevant) had told friend 1 and 2 not to tell me aanything as she didn't want me there. Friend 1 and hubby pointed out that she was being very mean and they had already invited me. Excuses were made along the lines of I wouldn't know anyone and friend 1's hubby pointed out I knew same number of people as they did. He eventually left it as didn't want to cause a row etc but was really embarrassed.

Forward to this weekend and dp and I have been discussing dd's birthday which is in the middle of the summer hols so want to get invites out early so we know numbers. I want to invite friends 1 and 2 and their partners and kids and had every intention of inviting friend 3 but now feel really quite awkward about it.

I know it sounds petty and school yard politics but I have spent a long time building my self esteem after years of really horrible things being done to me and I feel like I ought to stand up for myself but equally I don't want to cause an issue with the other friends.

Wibu to not invite friend 3 as I really will be on edge all day having her there or do I just be the bigger person?

OP posts:

Miggs28 · 20/05/2014 19:44

You be the bigger person and invite friend 3 making sure she feels welcome on the day. Don't lower yourself to her level.

YouTheCat · 20/05/2014 19:45

Invite friend 3 and be the bigger person.

If she doesn't come then at least you aren't being a mean cow like she is.

PleaseJustShootMeNow · 20/05/2014 19:47

Personally I wouldn't invite any of them. I've got no time for all that bitching and backstabbing. In my opinion friends don't do that to each other and neither do they go along with someone else doing it either.

Original poster

wheresthelight · 20/05/2014 19:51

Me either please but friend 3 is a very domineering character and from what I known her from other people no one goes against her wishes. And being the step parent of friend 1's hubby I can understand why he let it drop.

I don't want to look like the bitch but equally I don't want to feel like a doormat.

OP posts:

Topaz25 · 20/05/2014 19:52

Why would you invite her? She's not acting like a friend to you. She was told that she was being mean by excluding you and did it anyway with no explanation. I would either ignore her behaviour or address it by asking her what's going on but I wouldn't chase her by inviting her to events when she clearly doesn't want to spend time with you. I wouldn't want someone who was unkind to me around me or my family. You could play games trying to be the bigger person and make her look bad or you could actually enjoy your DD's first birthday.

BauerTime · 20/05/2014 19:56

Fuck being the bigger person! Invite friends 1 and 2 in front of 3 and tell her 'sorry but its friends only'.

I know that it would be petty and childish but she excluded you after she was told you had already been invited. That's nasty. Have nothing more to do with her, the bitch.

Blithereens · 20/05/2014 19:59

I wouldn't invite her in a million years. She's made it clear she doesn't want to socialise with you so she can go boil her head!

Nanny0gg · 20/05/2014 20:00

Don't see why there is any need to invite 'friend' 3.

Just invite the other two.

indigo18 · 20/05/2014 20:01

I wouldn't bother with any of them; 1 and 2 could have said they wanted you there and had already invited you. Spineless!

Lilaclily · 20/05/2014 20:03

no one goes against her wishes

That's bollocks

Don't invite any of them
Don't get involved in the dramas

Your dd is 1
She won't care whose there

Aeroflotgirl · 20/05/2014 20:05

Yes invite friends 1 and 2, sod being the bigger person, or don't invite the lot of them as tgey did not defend you.

Tinkerball · 20/05/2014 20:07

Oh for god sakes regarding being the "bigger person", why on earth would you invite this nasty piece of work to anything you organise, life's to short. Inviting her to me would be playing a game rather than just inviting the people you want to be there. I take it you have talked about it to friends 1 and 2, what do they say about what happened?

Pimpf · 20/05/2014 20:09

Wy should you be the bigger person, she's made it clear how she feels, I vote friends 1 and 2, stuff "friend"3

PrincessBabyCat · 20/05/2014 20:11

Why would you invite someone you don't like?

Being a bigger person is for things like no gossiping at the playground about her, not inviting her over as a guest in your house.

I personally wouldn't let anyone who's company I didn't enjoy in my house. Life is too short to put up with idiots.

YouTheCat · 20/05/2014 20:13

I still think be the bigger person because it sends out the message that I'm not going to let a petty twat annoy and intimidate me.

Back in the days when my ex mil wasn't speaking to me, I took great delight in chatting politely and amicably to her. She hated it. Her face was a treat but being vile back to me when I was being soooo nice would have just made her look like a massive git.

andsmile · 20/05/2014 20:14

Friend 1 and 2 not 3.

I totally get how you feel. I have had similar happen. I need to work on my LSE (would you recommend anything btw?) but I cut out a soured friendship.

Its made me way more discerning about who i spend my time with.

gamerchick · 20/05/2014 20:15

I wouldn't invite any of them..spineless fuckers.

If you don't invite her and if she's the type you've described then it's likely she'll try and put the kybosh on them attending themselves or if you do invite her she might try and put the kybosh on any of them attending just to be a cunt and then making you feel horrible on the day.

There's no way any of my friends would treat me like that.. that's appalling.

maninawomansworld · 20/05/2014 20:15

Sod the lot of them. 'Friend' 3 is a b*tch and 'friends' 1 and 2 are at best spineless yes men / women.

Have a nice day without them.

DizzyKipper · 20/05/2014 20:19

I don't really understand why you'd invite some one to your daughter's birthday who doesn't actually like you? Inviting them regardless isn't being the bigger person, it seems to me more like being wrapped up in how others see you and rather pointless. Just invite who you want there. If that's friends 1 and 2 so be it. If that excludes friend 3 so also be it.

Itsfab · 20/05/2014 20:23

I wouldn't invite any of them. One is a bitch and the others are too weak, in awe of Miss Bitchy Pants to stand up for you. They would rather suck up to her tan stick up for you.

Itsfab · 20/05/2014 20:24

*than stick up....

EverythingCounts · 20/05/2014 20:28

Don't invite someone who tries to cut you out of stuff. You owe her nothing. If you did invite her, she wouldn't see it as you being the bigger person, she'd see it as you still being under her thumb like others are.

starlight1234 · 20/05/2014 20:34

For DC first birthday they have no idea what is going on. It is about a memory for you. Invite the people you want to invite .

On a different level find a group of friends who don't have to do all the politics. It is exhausting and no fun at all

emsyj · 20/05/2014 20:47

I would normally say be the bigger person, invite everyone, smile and don't be offended etc 'keep it light' and all that... BUT these people have shown you who they are. Believe them! They aren't nice and they aren't your real friends. Delete them from your life. Don't have a showdown with them or try and reason with them, just say nothing, smile and say 'Hi' if you see them out and about but keep walking, and if they contact you to ask whether they have done something to upset you, say 'Gosh no, don't be silly!' then don't be drawn any more.

I am always saying on here how you should keep expectations of friendships low and that most friends are just casual, fun type social friends and we shouldn't expect them to be loyal, caring, there-for-you type besties - but this really is beyond the pale. I am pretty thick-skinned with friends but I wouldn't retain any of these people on my Christmas card list.

parentalunit · 20/05/2014 20:57

Invite none of them. Stand up for yourself.

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