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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be gutted to find a "x" at the end of txt, sent from my H's phone to a female work colleague?!

40 replies

OoohBrakelights · 20/05/2014 16:02

To cut a long story short....H and I have not been on terms for a looooong time (that's a whole different story tho'), he's been very distant over the last 18mths or so, but put it down to him "not getting any"! He carries his phone with him at all times but the other day he forgot to take it to work with him, I just felt compelled to look through it.

He has deleted all txt's (which is unusual) but did have two in his sent box one which was to someone he has contact with through work, a 21yr old female (pretty much the same age as our daughter!) that "he feels sorry for".

This is very out of character for him to do something like this, he has never sent me or our kids "kisses" ever (even when things were ok between us).

Do you think I am over-reacting? Obviously I can't confront him about this as I shouldn't have been snooping but........!

Please go easy on me, I'm new.

OP posts:
ilovepowerhoop · 20/05/2014 16:04

what does the text itself say?

RoseberryTopping · 20/05/2014 16:04

Carrying his phone with him and being distant are both massive red flags in themselves, the x at the end of a text is just a small part of it.

Have you spoken about why he has his phone with him so much and his general attitude?

Chopsypie · 20/05/2014 16:06

The x in itself isn't too worrying. I send them to everyone and it's a bit of an injoke between DH and his mates to end texts with one too.
The other stuff would have me worried though.

MissBattleaxe · 20/05/2014 16:07

I think you need to work out whether you have a marriage or not. If you've been distant with each other for eighteen months you both need to sit down and talk about what you want and where this is going. The "x" at the end of a text could be sympton not a cause. It doesn't read like either of you are enthused about each other.

However, your post is just one paragraph and that's all I've got to go on.

PeachTrees · 20/05/2014 16:08

Many people, like myself, use a x at the end of a text but it doesnt mean anything (well to me anyway). It's the fact he's carrying the phone everywhere that's the concern. what did he say in the texts?

MaxPepsi · 20/05/2014 16:08

If he normally puts an X on the end of messages, i'd say it was just habit.

However, you say he doesn't so for him it means something more.

My DH doesn't put an X on any texts except to me, therefore I'd be upset too. However I put them on everything, so when I send them to my boss it's just habit and I doubt very much DH would be upset.

isabellavine · 20/05/2014 16:08

I would worry far more about the distant attitude and general unhappiness than an x at the end of a text.

Thomyorke · 20/05/2014 16:10

I do not generally use the 'x' but find I do when responding to someone who constantly puts it in texts to me. My DP never signs off like that, so I don't with him. On its own if I found this I would not be concerned but with the other stuff and the fact you needed to check his phone are the areas of concern.

FrontForward · 20/05/2014 16:10

I delete all my texts. I can't stand a long list of old texts. I also keep my phone with me a lot because I don't wish to miss calls or texts

I sign off x to close colleagues. So none of that would cause me alarm bells as it's normal for me.

What is not normal is the state of your relationship. That is your problem and needs addressing. Either fix it or separate?

caruthers · 20/05/2014 16:11

If he's not been "Getting any" for 18 months that could be a reason he's distant couldn't it?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 20/05/2014 16:12

Perhaps he takes his phone everywhere because he knows that if the opportunity arises you will look

redskyatnight · 20/05/2014 16:12

I would worry more about why you felt "compelled" to look through your DH's phone. And that you know it is unusual that he has deleted his texts (so you've looked before). There's obviously something you are not happy about. Sounds like DH isn't happy either. Maybe you should try to address that?

Original poster
OoohBrakelights · 20/05/2014 16:18

The message was "I will be here. x"

If he was the type to send "x"'s freely then I wouldn't take any notice, but that's the whole point, it's so not like him to be mushy or over friendly, quite the opposite in fact.

A bit of back-ground....He is an emotional abuser for which I am in contact with Womens Aid for support, I have tried to leave him in the past but he went mad (threats of violence) so stayed, that's why I'm still in this marriage (am making plans to leave tho').

Finding this message has floored me, it makes me feel like an idiot.

OP posts:
CoffeeTea103 · 20/05/2014 16:20

Sorry op, if anything this should give you the motivation to leave quicker. Apart from this text, what you've described is telling enough. I think no point in confronting him, just keep working on those plans to leave this man.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/05/2014 16:21

Then focus on what's actually important. You are leaving, find a way of doing that as quickly as possible. He is abusive, you don't want him in your life. From a really logical, unemotional POV this is good. He is obsessing about a young colleague, who probably isn't interested. That will keep him occupied while you make your plans. I feel sorry for her if she is getting involved. Other than that, you can keep your eye on the prize, a life away from him.

Doinmummy · 20/05/2014 16:21

I think you need to get out of this marriage ASAP . Emotional abuse is so damaging. I think the x on the text is the least of your worries. Womens aid are fantastic , use them to help you get out sooner rather than later.

caruthers · 20/05/2014 16:24

You are making plans to leave but you still go through his phone and are worried about what he's up to?

There are a lot of conflicting messages here.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 20/05/2014 16:24

Well to be fair I think the best thing in the world would be for that text to actually mean something and for him to bugger off into the sunset with someone else and setting you free.

If you have tried to leave him why has this floored you? This could be the best thing ever.

Original poster
OoohBrakelights · 20/05/2014 16:26

Hi Redskyatnight,
I can honestly say that this is the first time I have ever snooped at his phone (and he's had one for many many years), I am not proud of snooping and I never felt a need to do it before, but he has changed and it has led me to become suspicious.

As for deleting his txt's, he would often joke about hoarding his txt's (just being lazy). He would even ask me to read a txt out if one came through while he was driving, and yes he had loads of them.

OP posts:
Doinmummy · 20/05/2014 16:30

What plans have you made to leave? The whole relationship sounds unhealthy for you.

Original poster
OoohBrakelights · 20/05/2014 16:43

Hi Doinmummy, thanks for your reply (sounds like you might just understand why this is bothering me)

Getting out is going to be a long and slow process, I have to get a job to get an income of my own then plan to private rent. So this is going to take some time, but I am prepared to wait.

Proof that he was playing away would give me the ticket I need to throw him out, but he is not that stupid. My guess is that he is flirting with a young vulnerable girl and if this is the case I cannot bear to feel that he and she is laughing behind my back, certainly doesn't mean I still love him.

OP posts:
Doinmummy · 20/05/2014 16:47

The only reason you need to justify throwing him out is that he is emotionally abusive. I've been there x

Lele22 · 20/05/2014 16:49

I'm just wondering if you aren't too bothered about not getting on with him or not giving him any, why are you worried about what he's getting up to? Are you waiting/hoping for him to have an affair? Just can't get my head around people who allow their relationships get like this and wonder why their other halves stray..

WaitMonkey · 20/05/2014 16:55

The x wouldn't bother me in the slightest. The rest would though.

Original poster
OoohBrakelights · 20/05/2014 16:58

Well I won't be snooping through his phone again! As one of you have mentioned, all the more reason to get on with my plans to get out of this nightmare.

Thankyou all for your views, much appreciated.

All the best Doinmummy (one "sister" to another)

OP posts:
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