To be gutted to find a "x" at the end of txt, sent from my H's phone to a female work colleague?!

[OoohBrakelights]

To cut a long story short....H and I have not been on terms for a looooong time (that's a whole different story tho'), he's been very distant over the last 18mths or so, but put it down to him "not getting any"! He carries his phone with him at all times but the other day he forgot to take it to work with him, I just felt compelled to look through it.

He has deleted all txt's (which is unusual) but did have two in his sent box one which was to someone he has contact with through work, a 21yr old female (pretty much the same age as our daughter!) that "he feels sorry for".

This is very out of character for him to do something like this, he has never sent me or our kids "kisses" ever (even when things were ok between us).

Do you think I am over-reacting? Obviously I can't confront him about this as I shouldn't have been snooping but........!

Please go easy on me, I'm new.

You have obviously never been in a relationship where domestic abuse is involved....Think yourself VERY lucky!

It is very hard to leave an abusive relationship. It took me a few goes. Press on with your plans Op but remember there is financial help if you need it. It's not much but living a life free of worry and anxiety is worth being a bit skint for a while.

Lele22

You have obviously never been in a relationship where domestic abuse is involved....Think yourself VERY lucky!

If he is pursuing (or involved with) another woman then isn't that the best possible outcome? He will sod off, with any luck, or at least put no obstacles in the way of you leaving him.
Focus on getting out of the relationship. You don't have to wait until you have an income - WA can find you a place in a refuge (emotional abuse is abuse, refuge places are not just for women being physically assaulted) and/or help you with priority housing as an abuse victim.

Hello OP. I'm sorry to hear you're having such a tough time. And well done on formulating your plans and getting in touch with WA

Could you contact them again and see if they can help you move your plans sooner?

Thankyou Doinmummy,

I appreciate your reply and I will get there eventually (I can't go on putting up with the grief he causes me for much longer)

Well done on getting out, I totally understand what an achievement it is.

I 'm not going to read anymore posts, feeling a bit sensitive and am tempted to go totally off topic to my original post (some people love to kick you when you're down don't they). It has been enlightening to say the least!

OP try and ignore the people who have no idea. And probably lack the empathy to try and get one.

You will get lots of support here from women who have experienced similar things and can give you advice and guidance and support if you decide to stay.

I know that sometimes it can make difficult reading if you are feeling sensitive but in my whole experience of threads like this on MN, the women here will onlly have your very best interests at heart

Take care

OP, so sorry you are meeting less than supportive reponsnses. Unfortunately this is the AIBU topic and usually very confrontational, and also the really important matters are in your later posts - which people happily ignore in the AIBU scrum.

Being in an abusive relationship is leaving you very fragile - it takes away your self-esteem and self confidence, and undermines your courage. That is the nature of emotional abuse, and it is good you are receiving help from WA before you lose so much self esteem that you have no more energy to rescue yourself..

My advice is to start a new thread in Relationships asking for support to leave an abusive relationship.

The text is susipcious, but in the grander scheme of things, does it matter? If he is abusive, he won't change, your relationship won't improve and things won't ever get better. You don''t need his permission, or a reason to leave - you can leave because you are not happy and because you want to.

I would use this text as a source of energy and motivation to fuel your exit from this man.

Good luck!

If he's an emotional abuser then he'll be attracted to this other girl's apparent vulnerability. Scouting his next 'victim' so to speak.
If I were you I'd ramp up plans to leave quicker, and maybe warn her about him. Of course then you risk becoming the 'crazy ex' but I once sent a calm coherent email to an ex's new gf detailing everything he'd done, and why she should, for her own sake, find someone else. 6 months later I get a "You were so right" email back, but at least I could say I warned her, and she felt able to leave him quicker.

It wasn't mentioned in your original post that he was abusive towards you, that obviously changes everything! Chuck him..best of luck x

TBH I don't understand why you'd be gutted- he is abusive towards you which has led to you (rightly) actively planning to end the relationship.

You do not want to be involved with this man any longer, so why worry about who he may or may not be infatuated with now (although I hope for her sake that she stays well clear)? It does appear a little conflicted.

Best leave him to it. Use this as another reason to (as if you needed one) to leave and move on with your life. Best of luck.

I may be way offbeam with this, but until now this abusive fucker has at least been your abusive fucker and you had him in the box you thought you did

I had a friend in a similar situation. She had (mainly) processed all the abuse, but when he got another romantic interest she was devastated

This is what she said

I agree AF it's one thing having an exclusive relationship with someone (abusive or not) and wanting to split up but it does put another slant on things when there's the possibility of someone else taking your place .

Having said that it's still a horrible realisation that there may be an OW.

I know that I went through so many emotions when I was trying to get out of an abusive relationship , it takes time and I think help from others to sort these feelings out.

OP, having been through this AF has hit the nail on the head, I felt the same way when my abusive ex did the same, it is a really strange place to be.

OoohBrakelights I hope you're OK