To think that a lot of what mums are expected to do is skilled and difficult?

[wol1968]

I don't just mean the emotional, social, negotiating, dealing-with-people sort of stuff that everyone gets wrong at some point, especially the ones who think they're doing it right. I mean the technically tricky, proper difficult things that you actually have to be shown how to do at some point. For instance, I was reading the headlice thread the other day and was at how judgey a few posters were and how dismissive they were of the very real difficulties of wet-combing nits out of Afro hair belonging to wriggly DCs who are probably yelling in pain. I hate hair. I'm no good at it and always manage to pull and tug, and every style I do falls out in 10 seconds flat. I have done my DD's ballet bun in the past, but she prefers to do her hair herself now.

Similarly with cooking. I'm an OK cook but know a fair few people who are a danger around knives and heat and will never really master a meal. And yet it's sort of expected that we should be able to do this with no real training. And what about spotting possible health issues, dealing with illness in others, knowing when to call in the professionals? Timetabling and admin? It's not all ' not very common at all actually sense' stuff. Where do you learn it?

I think there's a whole new skill set that needs to be learnt when we become parents. It's a fine balance

I agree that the domestic and child rearing skill set is a very real one and that to a large extent our starting point is the skill set passed down by our own families. Some people get a screwdriver, others a full set of power tools.

But, like all things, continuing education is largely up to oneself and, if you determined to learn and apply yourself, you can acquire new skills and hone existing ones reasonably easily.

I have learnt to co-ordinate 6 people's timetables and excersise routines, learnt to really cook/about good nutrition, learnt how to really empathise in tricky situations/discipline/negotiate/be fair, learnt how to teach phonics/reading/to care for themselves/do chores, learnt how to deal with nits/how to keep a house tidy/how to take care of myself when there is so little free time. Some of these I probably did to a lesser extent pre kids.

I don't think a lot of what you mean is restricted to mums. It's to do with having a skill set for adult life when you leave home.

I have to admit that I've started a list of skills I would like my DC to have before they turn 18. Things on the list include: basic cooking (can cook some meals), budgeting, basic bike/car maintenance, basic DIY, simple sewing (e.g. sew on a button).

But didn't you have to do this pre-children? Yes there's more of it, but I certainly had to feed myself, monitor my own health, do laundry, clean, hold down a job etc all before I had children.

YANBU. Sometimes I have terrifying moments where I stop and think "I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing, I've spent DD's life completely winging it and it's a total fluke that we've got this far with no real disasters."

It's like having a high pressure job with zero training. Yes instincts count for a lot, but instinct is quite frankly useless when I'm trying to cut her nails whilst shes doing some sort of crazy octopus dance or when I just can't figure out what's making her poorly.

This is why MN is good. In MN world it's ok to wake up every day feeling ill prepared, you'll seldom get judged (in my experience) and you'll usually find someone, or several people, in the same boat as you. Yes there are a few judgey bums but unless they say something helpful I tend to flick the Vs at the laptop ignore them

No I don't think anything you've listed in your OP is 'skilled' and it's certainly not restricted to 'Mums'.

Some things are difficult at first, but that's just life really. The more you do it, the better you get.

Any NT parent who is a danger around knives and heat and who will never really master a meal, should probably have thought long and hard before having kids.

But having said that, these things have never been easier to learn now that the internet is so popular.

To think that a lot of what parents mums are expected to do is skilled and difficult?

Personally, no, I don't think so. But I am at work contemplating something very technical that I don't have a clue how to do, after which I will battle a senior VP about something political...

It's just being an adult, isn't it?!

Fancy dress is a good example. My DS often comes home from school announcing that he needs some obscure outfit, us usually a short notice. He will say "My teacher is sorry she forgot to put the letters in our bags. It's the day after tomorrow. We don't need to buy things, she says just to use stuff we have at home already".

What does his teacher think we have lying around at home??! How much spare time does she think I have? This is a skill I haven't mastered at all.

They are skills that require practice for them to become skills, imo.
I am useless at dds hair as well, she does it herself now, or if need be I ask a friend etc, for special occassions.

Morning

I do have the fancy dress skill, but have had 3 dc gothrough this stage now so am well practised

.. and with the availability of Google, so many things are literally at our fingertips.

To take the fancy dress example, there are numerous examples of how to make just about any outfit likely to be required by school.

I have hair down thanks to having little cousins that let me play with their hair growing up. :)

But things like cooking beyond basic meals like spaghetti or breakfast foods, are hard for me. Luckily I have a husband that picks up my slack in that area and can make almost any meal I find on the internet.

Not everything is intuitive. I brought my baby home having no clue how to take care of her. Her first bath I poured water over her face to rinse the soap off and she started coughing and choking. DD's first cold I didn't even know she had a fever until she had a runny nose because she wasn't acting sick, I just thought she was warm the previous days because she was in blankets. It was sort of trial by fire. But a few weeks in the trenches and I think I've got this baby thing down I hope!.

I am absolutely crap at doing girls' hairstyles, especially anything involving plaits. And bad at role play, Lego construction, weaving looms and other crafty impossibilities, and ironing hammer beads.
Hopefully my DC's still love me!

It's the coordinating 6 people's lives that I struggle with

Loverofpeas - I agree, the coordination can be really difficult, especially when you have DC at different schools in different places with different timetables and different school politics/culture to master, plus different extra-curricular stuff...

Totally agree op.
Its even harder when a member of the family has sn/ health problems

YABU its just part of adult life

It is not skilled.

It might be better to be informed, but simple cooking, organisational and household tasks are not 'skilled' nor the sole responsibility of mothers.

No-one enters parenthood without prior experience of cooking, household tasks and basic such as washing, healthcare.

As for things like when to refer to gp etc, from the amount of times my friends and acquaintances take children to the doctor, it seems most err on the side of caution and beyond.

Nothing about basic family life is a skilled occupation. It is just life. Any information you like is at your fingertips, along with support and real time opinions. Being a parent is the easiest it has ever been.

The people I know in real life who claim "there is nothing to it" about family life are always (a) divorced and single (b) have children with major problems. Always.

The ones I hear who say there's no skill attached are the first on here saying how they can't cope with this and that.

Glad when hols are over, can't cope. Can't dorole play with my child.
can't manage my dh he's having an affair/ visiting lap dancers etc.

Yes, lots of skills to hold it all together. For some it comes naturally to others they have to work hard at it, others don't get it at all

Yes, they are skills but they're just life skills - no different to the sort of things any other adult has to learn to ensure they live long enough to see the next sunrise.

I don't think it is especially skilled, you can make it more difficult than necessary but it's not necessary. Ballet buns and extravagant meals are just not needed. Cooking really is very easy, I'm not a fantastic cook but I can make about 10 different meals that are fairly healthy, dp can make about the same amount so we have a variety of basic, healthy meals each week. You can find cheap easy meals online with very easy to follow instructions.

The skills that are needed to raise children are just the same skills needed to live your own life just adjusted
slightly.

Why on earth is it just mums expected to learn these new skills? Surely dads have just as much need to learn these ever so difficult skills?

Well as a childless adult I was able to whip up a meal with ease but was hopelessly I'll prepared to do so whilst settling a fussy baby and listen to a child chuntering on about the inner workings of an excavator.

Similarly, I could have told you how to get rid of lice but not how to get a child to sit still and make soothing 'it'll be OK' noises whilst containing my own horror of having to deal with blood sucking parasites

It's not just a skill it's an art.

The hardest bit is hearing this distant rumble of discontent and intervening before a problem arrives.