to ask how you feel about your step-parent/s?

[Madmum24]

Ok genuine question. I assume there will be a range of answers, and I suppose in a way I want to see if my feelings are "normal"?

Big family meltdown recently due to my step sisters wedding. My Mum, who did a lot for her, and treated her the same way she did her own children discovered that out of the 1000+ photos that were taken, that she is not included in any of the 200 photos that they are keeping. My Mum was in lots of shots, both group and family etc, but there is no trace of her at all in the album. My Mum is devastated and really hurt, she has been her step mum for 20 years and was really involved every weekend, doing sport pickups/collections etc.

So this is what got me thinking. I have a step on both sides. Step dad (step sisters father) and a step Mum who married my dad. Because I lived with my Mum and stepdad I suppose I consider him more family than my stepmum, who although did a lot for me, and often professed her love for me, I was more like a guest in their house. If my father died I wouldn't feel any need or particular want to keep any ties with her, IYKWIM? But I can't shake off the feeling that that isn't particularly "normal"! I would only have put her in my wedding pictures as a gesture to my dad, not for me, so I can see where my dss is coming from.

AIBU?

Hi,

I think all step families can be complex. I have both a step mother and step father.

At my wedding neither my father nor stepfather gave me away.

My stepmother wasn't there but my stepfather and father are in the same amount of pictures and my mum is in all of them I didn't plan it this way it just happened.

In my situation, I wasn't close to my dad or my stepmother. I don't rate my stepfather that much either but tolerate him because of how happy he makes my mum.

My dad has died and my stepmother is taking me to court over my inheritance so you can imagine what I think of her.

On mum's side my stepfather has 3 children, 10 grandchildren and 1 great grandchild. Mum has my brother and I but is always wanting everyone to be one big happy family. She gets involved in everything her stepchildren do and has to be included but I feel very separate to them even though they've been together 20 years too.

No it's quite normal you anbu.

That's a real shame. I would say your stepsister is being unreasonable not to have at least made the gesture to include your mum. Seriously? Was she not even in some group shots? Seems a bit petty but could also indicate some problems your dm is not aware of which might be worth addressing.

I have a great relationship with my dsm. She is the most 'stable' of her, df and dm. We chat on the phone and try to help each other out as much as possible. She and df were the first people to babysit dd on her offer.

What is awkward though is that my dm would feel awkward if she were involved in certain situations so I didn't feel I could invite her to my baby shower which my dm was very involved in organising or certain pre wedding events when I got married. I try to be discreet though.

Thanks for the replies.

Just want to reiterate that the AIBU is not related to the lack of my mother in the album, that was what instigated my own thoughts as to how I feel towards my own step parents. My mother obviously thought that due to the time and money that she has lovingly invested in her dsd that she would mean something to her. In the same way that my own dsm probably thinks the same. But I don't! Like I said she is nice, but if my father died I wouldn't keep relations with her. I consider myself to be an easily attached person, so it bothers me that despite the time I have spent with her, that I don't really have personal feelings towards her. Mind you there has always been an under tone of her doing the things to "keep" my father.

My mum died and I have a stepmother. I have never lived with her as was early 20s when they met (now mid-30s). I was upset when she was in my db's wedding photos where mum should have been. She's not in mine as I married before she was on the scene.

She is a good person, but I find the relationship tricky. Doesn't help that my dad has the empathy of a breezeblock.

mrsnec I think you have hit the nail on the head with the "inclusion". I also feel quite separate on my dad's side. I consider my dad to be my family, and her and my dad to be family, but we are not a family together IYKWIM? My mother in particular in her desire to be "a family" tried to get me to call my dsd "dad" :-0 and my father by his first name!

Yes, it can be an awkward thing at times. I do wonder why I seem to have a deep aversion to my step mother. She was very intense from day one, buying me lots of very expensive things, telling me she loved me like her own etc and I do wonder if that made me a bit wary of her.

Did your sister deliberately leave her out of the photos or did she just not think?

I'm wondering because I wouldn't be bothered either way if my stepmother was in my wedding photos or not! (I think she is in some).

I don't think you're unusual in your feelings. When people get remarried and form blended families they often assume everyone is as happy as they are about it. Adult children in particular don't really care as long as their parent is happy. I don't think I would make much of an effort to see my step mum if anything were to happen to my dad. Not because I don't like her, I do, but she doesn't mean much to me despite being in my life for over 20 years. You can't force feelings.

My stepsister refused to even have my mum at her wedding. 2 years, 2 babies and babyshowers and christenings later she's changed her mind!

My mum was devastated at the time but now accepts my stepsister had her reasons and all is forgiven. I just never question it as all of us have different opinions.

I have similar feelings as you towards my stepfather and all of his family for that matter. I am not ashamed of feeling like it either.

It does seem it was deliberate. Lots of photos were taken with her, even my mum's sister features in the album in a group shot but my mother isn't there at all. This will never be mentioned to my step sister by the way, but I think my Mum will be reassesing the relationship she thought she had.

Step sisters mother is very much alive and kicking, so it is not as if she has died and step sister finds it painful to see someone in her place.

I tried to tell my Mum I wouldn't want my step mum in the album either, but I don't think that went down too well!

As a step -parent, I have a good relationship with my 'kids' (inherited when they were teenagers) but neither have photos of me in their houses, I have tons of them in mine. I'd be a little upset to not be in a wedding group photo, though, and I would be very surprised if they cut contact upon DH's death. I know where I fit in their lives.

As a step-daughter, I haven't got a single photo of my DSM, and like the poster above will probably stop contact when my dad dies, not out of spite but because I don't really 'get' her. I think she would be upset, so I'm a hypocrite, really.

Like someone said above I think when blended families come together they think if they are happy then everyone else follows suit. It just isn't that easy though!

My dad barely introduced us to his partners - it was quite embarrassing when he died and everyone was asking 'how is (his partner)' - I didn't know, we'd only met her a couple of times. She had 2 daughters, I met one briefly once but never met the other.

My dad married my step mother when I was an adult so I never lived with her. When my mum was alive things were very awkward as my mum had a very strong dislike of her although she had nothing to do with thr breakdown of my parents marriage which had been in trouble for years. It meant family occasions like my wedding were difficult. Since my mum died I have become very close to my step mother. She has definitely become a mother figure to me and a grandmother to my dd who was born after mum died. I often ferl conflicted about this because of how mum felt about her, but I get on really well with my step mum and am grateful that my dd and I have her in our lives.

wink is that it? Do you think that the step parents become much more invested in their step children's lives than vice versa? My mother certainly felt that she knew her place in her step daughter's life, but she was wrong. Perhaps do step parents who have a fondness/close relationship with their step kids assume that the feeling is mutual?

That is interesting Fox. Strangely despite my apathy towards them I do want my children to feel like they are their family. I wonder because both my parents are alive that I feel my dsm has no "place?"

I think it depends on each families own dynamic.
I had a step mother for 10 years. My mum passed away when I was a teenager, and my dad moved on very very quickly. It hurt me and my sister when he rushed in to marriage again (dating was one thing, and we were glad to see him happy but marrying so soon was a step too far!). He was re-married less than a year after my mum died, on the day before what would have been his wedding anniversary with mum, and I found that to be very poor taste.
We were forced to spend time with her, and emotionally blackmailed by my dad to accept her as "our new mother". As if anyone could ever replace my wonderful mum!
I think had I met my step mother in a better way, not been forced to give up my plans to spend time with her, been forced to live with her in her home (and told you can have xxxx's - grown up, married step brothers room until he needs it!) then forced to move again when dad married her, I might have liked her.
But everything was moving far too fast and I was still grieving so deeply for mum whilst this all went on. Dad was ready to move on, we weren't, we didn't understand his need to rush in to marriage with a woman he knew all of 6 months on their wedding day.
I had her at my wedding, despite the fact I didn't like either of them very much at the time. She is in one photo that made it in to my album, but to be fair my dad only made it in to 2, and I chose them based on how the photo looked (quality of the shot, how many people had their eyes closed etc), not who was in them.
Your step sister may have many reasons for not choosing photo's with your mum in, they maybe totally innocent reasons, such as the photos with your mum in were blurry / out of focus etc. Or maybe your step sister did it intentionally, and if that is the case, I can see why your mum is hurt.

• just to clarify, she is no longer my step mother, they got divorced over a year ago, and I haven't heard from her since. Nor do I speak to my dad though, but that is a whole other story!

We had a very similar experience little princess - dad moved another woman in practically before we had got our heads around the fact our mum had died!

Then she banned us from visiting - 'they've got to learn to stand on their own two feet' that was horrible.

I have a stepfather. My dad died when I was 14 so no stepmother obviously. He got together with my mum when I was 18 and they were married when I was 21. He didn't raise me, although loves me more than his own daughter (but that isn't hard because she's actually horrid!). I don't even call him my stepfather, I call him my mums husband, but my children call him grandad and I do get him a Father's Day card.
He is very much included in my wedding photos. Despite not raising me at all, he is my mums husband, grandfather to my children. Of course he was in my wedding photos. I'm not surprised your mum was hurt, I would be too!

Madmum24, an interesting question. I came on the scene just after their parents divorced, and (because I was young & stupid) I didn't invest time or effort with either step-child for a good couple of years.

The natural relationship grew with step-son as he got to senior school age, and we started to share interests in art, film, etc, which his dad (nor mum) & he did not. The natural engagement with step-daughter is really only happening now, 14 years and 2 grand-children on.

I know they both love me in their own way, and step-son in particular gives back time & affection (I was his 'date' for his graduation, rather than his Mum, for example) BUT I will only ever be a step parent. That's fine by all of us, I think.

I have both, my stepdad is like a father to me, he has been in my life for years, and treats me like his own child, in fact he has higher expectations of me than his son!! He gets a dad card on fathers day, and he is grandfather to my dd. He is probably the one I turn to in times of trouble. I always say it is easier to be a father, but not so easy to be a dad.
My stepmum has really made it obvious that she is not happy to have a step dd that is my age even thougn she is old enough to be my mum. I make her feel old and she never wants to be referred to as a grandparent. I have respect for her and I like her, and tbh she likes me too, we get on well and have a good relationship but not like a mother.
Everyone was in my wedding pics, the pic with the parents of the bride and groom has them all in- its like a group shot on its own!!!! I would never want anyone to feel like I didnt include anyone.

It is interesting in that I have had two step mums my dad doesn't waste time and the first one was rather non-investing. She worked away at weekends so we rarely saw her. She never overly tried to become involved, or take the role of step mother. We were there because she was with our dad. AND I actually preferred her! What you saw was what you got.

Current step Mum just tries too hard to the point that it is annoying and seems ingenuine. Eg, if you say you like a certain brand of clothing, the next week she will have updated her wardrobe to that brand, claiming that she has always loved them etc. She has two grown up children of her own who are older than me and my siblings, so it is not as if she is craving a "family".

I find it hard to keep in touch with family. I have a step-dad who became my adoptive father. I live abroad, he doesn't call us, and I don't call him. We're just not that type of family. He did take a HUGE backseat to my mother while we were growing up, and I guess I just don't feel so close to him. He has been through a lot in his life, losing a child, emigrating, etc.. and probably has some GREAT advice. My mother has a new H, but I don't view him as anything other than a pain in the arse her H.

I didn't meet my step-mother until my mid 20s (nor my bio father, lost contact young), he has now passed, and contact with SM is sporadic. She is on my FB. She is the DM of my 2 younger siblings, so I will always keep in contact with her. She is really lovely, and I wish that I'd had her growing up, she would have been a nice balance to my mother. She is not great at keeping in touch. When DS1 was born we picked out her 'grandmother' name, and she asked what we would like as a gift, I suggested something small and useful which would remind us of her country. DS1 is now almost 7yo, have yet to receive anything.

... I should have said, SM would have been in my wedding photo's apart from the fact DF died 2 days before said wedding. NIGHTMARE!

I technically have a stepmother, as my father remarried. However, as he got together with her during/after we left home I do not consider her to be one, rather she is my father's wife. Perfectly pleasant, we get on ok, but I am under no illusions that, should my father die before her, we would have any further contact. We did take pictures of her at our wedding but am not sure there are any in the final album.

DH and I have 4 step parents between us. 3 of the step Mothers. None of the relationships are great.

DHs relationship with step Dad is hairy. He was and is v hands off except to tell DH off. To this day makes no effort despite being around since DH was a teen.

My first step-mother was an all out mad woman who separated DF from all his family, then dumped him for someone richer. His new wife is lovely, but not really involved with us.

And DHs step mother is a huge Narc who we now avoid after she slagged of DHs mum to our DC.

Not a good picture of step parenting really.