to ask how you feel about your step-parent/s?

[Madmum24]

Ok genuine question. I assume there will be a range of answers, and I suppose in a way I want to see if my feelings are "normal"?

Big family meltdown recently due to my step sisters wedding. My Mum, who did a lot for her, and treated her the same way she did her own children discovered that out of the 1000+ photos that were taken, that she is not included in any of the 200 photos that they are keeping. My Mum was in lots of shots, both group and family etc, but there is no trace of her at all in the album. My Mum is devastated and really hurt, she has been her step mum for 20 years and was really involved every weekend, doing sport pickups/collections etc.

So this is what got me thinking. I have a step on both sides. Step dad (step sisters father) and a step Mum who married my dad. Because I lived with my Mum and stepdad I suppose I consider him more family than my stepmum, who although did a lot for me, and often professed her love for me, I was more like a guest in their house. If my father died I wouldn't feel any need or particular want to keep any ties with her, IYKWIM? But I can't shake off the feeling that that isn't particularly "normal"! I would only have put her in my wedding pictures as a gesture to my dad, not for me, so I can see where my dss is coming from.

AIBU?

My step mum married my dad when I was five years old, two years after my mum had died. We were encouraged to call her mummy and pretend to be a happy new family but the reality wasn't like that at all because she clearly did not like me or my brother and much preferred her own daughter.

When I was a teenager I refused to call her mum anymore and promised myself that as soon as I left home, I'd never speak to her again. Of course that didn't happen. Now we have a civil relationship and even though my dad has died, we are still in touch and she is grandma to my daughters. But deep down I still feel like that teenager and can't let go of the horrible way she treated me when I was just a small child.

My step dads family are mostly crazy and I have cut them out. I had the normal arguments of your not my real dad etc.

I only met my real dad once and step dad has been there since I was a baby. His family however mean nothing to me they are back stabbers, drug users who live on the dole though "medical mental illness" so ill that they cannot leave the house yet go on holidays/gym twice a week/bingo etc

I have no time for such drains.

I also have (and I feel ill even writing this) a step grandad my grand mother insists in writing in my children's card and grandad and he will never be their grandad he does not deserve that title and as far as myself and my mother are concerned he is purely my grand mothers husband.

I love my step dad very much. We are close and he has been a great dad to me since I was 11 (I am now 40).

I had a step mother for a few years but we did not see a lot of my Dad so it was a completely different relationship. She was not keen on my brother and I being around and my dad want too bothered either! I am not close to my dad because of this and frankly think it's an unforgivable way to behave.

I have a 'step mum' and I have had two 'step dads'
My sm and my second SD are on my wedding pictures. My sm is there because I love her to bits. My SD is there because he was married to my mum and thus was a part of my family.
My SD has since died.
I was thinking about this the other day - if my dad was to die tomorrow I would keep in touch with my sm. I love her muchly. She is good for my dad and is much more supportive towards me when I am struggling with my dcs who both have ASDS. I would also keep in touch with her children even though we didn't grow up together.
If my SD was still alive and my mum died I wouldn't have kept in touch. He had a daughter and I wouldn't keep in touch with her either.
I can't explain why. Maybe it stems from the difference in attitude after the divorce. When my parents split up my mum didn't have a good word to say about my dad and managed to make me feel guilty for having his genes! My two SDS joined in the negatives. My dad, however, for all his faults ( and they are legion!) Has never once been negative about my mum and neither has my sm.
I think step families are very complex and I don't think there is a right or wrong way to be! I know that at my wedding my dad walked me down the aisle but didn't give me away and we had a buffet as the seating arrangements would have been too complex for a formal do!

As a stepmum who has always tried to do right by my DSCs without being too pushy or intense, has never tried to replace their mother (they still have her) and who has no biological children so no favouritism, this thread makes me incredibly sad :(

I think I have a good relationship with them, especially my DSD who is closer to her dad. But who knows what they really think or whether they will want to maintain any relationship with me if he died (which as he is nearly 20 years older than me and in poor health, sadly isn't a far-fetched prospect) if this thread is representational?

There are lots of posts that talk of strong relationships with step parents too though select. Pretty much all of the posts that state there is an issue go into some detail as to why there is a problem. I think myself very lucky to have a great step mum, if things are as you say, I'm sure your dsc feel the same.

I think it can really matter what age you were when the step parent came into your life, the circumstances and for me the big one if the other bio parent is still in the picture.

My mum and (step) dad married when I was 5 - I never met my bio dad till I was 10 and lost contact at 21. I had a (step) sister and brother both older but 6 and 8 yrs old when our parents married.

Their mum was only occasionally in their life as is a selfish stupid bitch (sorry long story).

I think the fact we were a) young b) the step parent had nothing to do with the end of the first marriage and c) the other bio parent was feckless helped a lot.

I consider my (step) dad to be my dad.

I am putting step in parenthesis out of respect as don't feel they are my step dad, sister or bro but real ones.

having said that recently (after nearly 35 years of raising them) my step sis and bro are pulling away from my mum - its horrible to watch and makes me sad but also angry - she was only 21 when she married my step dad and inherited 2 very hurt children -yet they are treating her like this now. She is their kids only grandmother and they do give her that due strangely….

I'm nc with my father and his wife but my stepfather is my dad to all intents and purposes. My daughter is his grandchild without question. I love him to bits and he only came into my life in my twenties.

Thanks for the replies.

As someone above said there are probably a load of unresolved back issues that affect how we feel towards the step parents.

My dad's wife's daughter (ie dss) immediately took to him, started calling him dad very early on although she was 23 and he was her third stepdad and almost took ownership of him, calling him my dad when talking to me and my brother. She had the first grandchild and it was very obvious my step mother was trying to recreate a nuclear family unit with my dad, her and the baby. She couldn't have any more children and I think the fact she didn't have one with my dad killed her. So really me and my children have been sidelined, but in all honesty, whilst I am hurt for the children, it suits me. I would be in between too much drama otherwise!

My dad's new wife is a homewrecking, manipulative, possessive, greedy bitch.
I've never referred to her as a stepmother. She's no mother to me.

No real step parent drama with me,they are just nothing to do with me (not in a unpleasant way).they are just not my family.

I already had two parents,I don't require 4

I get on well with my step mother. My father divorced my mother when I was 15, married her when I was 17. I didn't like her at first, although I was polite (although not warm, I think I mainly ignored her ) but she makes my dad happy. We don't live in the same country now, but she's the one making sure my dad Skypes and calls regularly (he's terrible at remembering stuff) and when we're over, she'll offer to go somewhere, just the two of us. We're friendly, it's not love but I am close to her and would trust her with my DC over probably both of my parents, and she is a lot more practical than them too.

Wow 20 years and you wouldn't want to keep a tie with her. I think that is a little strange to be honest.

As for me well!
My mum and dad separated before I was born... Divorce followed a couple of years later. My mum moved us away so we only really saw my dad during school holidays but not regularly. He met my step mum very soon after separating from my mum so... Almost 30 years together. I have known her my entire life and to be honest, she's the only reason I still have a relationship with my father. Not because he's horrible or evil, but she drives him to actually be bothered calling, sending a birthday card... Arranging us to all get together etc. She's the driving force behind it all and had she not been in the picture i don't think I would have known my dad at all. She is also the person that keeps him in line (he's an alcoholic) and puts up with his nonsense. I admire her for that. I have a half brother and sister in their 20's also. (And older half brother and sister from dad's previous marriage). She was at our wedding and sang a duet with my mum. Was very touching.

My mum re-married.
Once for 2 years, I was very young but I had 3 step brothers and a step sister (along with my real sister).
I still know of them- they are fb friends, and have recently found out x-step dad is terminally ill. I find it sad but too much water under the bridge to reconnect.

My mother also remarried again when i was around 12. Divorced again 5 years later. They had my little (half) brother together. I genuinely loved my ex step dad but he was a selfish man. Turns out it emerged that he had always wanted to be a woman. He divorced my mum in pursuit of this, no takes female hormones etc, but blamed my mother initially as citation for divorce. He hurt her beyond anyone and was deceptive and completely shat all over anything he ever was to me.
He did a lot of damage. I have no sympathy for him. He (she?) is a despicable selfish cowardly excuse for a human being and apart from calling him to arrange collecting my brother to spend time with him, I have absolutely no interest in knowing him or acknowledging him as a step father. He was not invited to our wedding and i very rarely mention his existence. He disgusts me for what he put our family through- playing with our lives because he was 'confused'. Bringing a little boy into the world who now is forced to call his father 'mum' in front of friends (even though he has a mother!!! Who doesn't look like shrek in drag).
Anyway...
Totally outed myself to anyone who knows this about me- but barely anyone does.

Oh and also FWIW, my grandparents played a huge part in my upbringing.
Therefore it was my grandfather who gave me away on my wedding day. He died last year. I miss him terribly.

I know Nunyabiz, it is bothering me why I feel this way! Surely it isn't normal to have someone in your life for so long and not really feel anything beyond the surface feelings for them?

I already had two parents,I don't require 4

^ I think this is a big part for me though

I would be ok with having a relationship with my father's wife but they got together when I was an adult and the news was not tactfully delivered. I was told that my parents had split up when my father came to visit me, closely followed by 'and I am living with xxxx and she is in the car wanting to see you' xxxx being a good friend of my mothers. Hence I don't really care about a relationship with her. As I said, I am glad they are over 200 miles away.

I have a stepfather who came onto the scene when I was in my mid twenties. He was the reason my parents split up.

I think he would like us to all get along and he tries to be nice (he always sends gifts and clothes from his travels with his job) but he won't ever be my family and I certainly wouldn't be driven to stay in touch if he ever split from my mum.
I've never met his other three DC and actually I don't remember their names, which is quite bad considering he's been around for fifteen years ish now. I feel a little ashamed of that now, I only realised it as I was writing. I don't hate him at all. I just dont care. He's nothing to me, in the nicest possible way.

I have never lived with him of course.

DM and DF divorced ten years ago when I was already in my early twenties. DM is now married to DF's former best friend (they'd all known each other since college). DM and DSF got married very quickly after the divorce and I think it's highly likely they were having an affair before DM and DF divorced. DF is still single.

DM is definitely happier without DF (alcoholic) but I don't like DSF. Neither do my siblings. As we grew up, due to him and his first wife being family friends, he always played the part of the jokey uncle. The older we got, the more we began to understand that his jokes were generally racist/sexist/inappropriate. He smokes and drinks a lot. He is very traditional (rather - manipulative and controlling). He also managed to marry my mum just as his business was failing and she came into a large inheritance. Make of that what you will.

DM and me and siblings all get on but we see her less than we would if DSF wasn't around. That's the truth of things. They downsized to a lovely cosy cottage but there is nowhere to stay if we visit. DSF's daughter lives nearby so he isn't unduly bothered by this. We have visited once with DD (2) and never with DS (baby) as DSF smokes and I won't have the children around it. DM says the stupidest things to make excuses for him - eg 'he only smokes downstairs'. She has a vision of us all being one big happy family and that will never be the case. Ironically, she'd have been down on siblings and I like a tonne of bricks if we'd been caught smoking as teenagers so goodness knows where her change of heart has come from.

The home that DM and DSF have now is not and never will be my home. I have a set of keys but rarely go there. DSF makes a big thing about it being his house. He is outwardly rude to DH (super intelligent, left leaning, thoroughly nice man) and I won't sanction that either, so yet another reason not to meet up.

DH and I live abroad now. The last two visits, DM has come alone. This has suited everyone very well. I doubt I'd keep in touch with DSF if DM were to die before him. We have nothing in common.

My stepdad is amazing. He nursed my mum through motor neurone disease and was always there for her.

My mum married him when I was in my early twenties, so its not like I grew up with him either.

When mum died, eight years ago, both my dad and my auntie on dads side came to the funeral, it helped everyone was grown up about things.

I still very much keep in contact. He came to my brothers wedding and is invited to "family do's" as is his new partner.

I do realise this is definitely not the case for everyone, but not all situations are the same.

In short (after much waffle!) there is no "normal".

My stepdad is amazing. He nursed my mum through motor neurone disease and was always there for her.

My mum married him when I was in my early twenties, so its not like I grew up with him either.

When mum died, eight years ago, both my dad and my auntie on dads side came to the funeral, it helped everyone was grown up about things.

I still very much keep in contact. He came to my brothers wedding and is invited to "family do's" as is his new partner.

I do realise this is definitely not the case for everyone, but not all situations are the same.

In short (after much waffle!) there is no "normal".

My parents seperated when I was 3 and we moved to live with my gp's. I only had a very sporadic relationship with my dad-think we saw him again 3 times as dc? Very infrequent contact now as an adult and he has never met my dc.

My mum met my stepdad-although they never married-when I was 9. I hated and was scared of him from the start. He was a compulsive liar and imo most likely a sociopath.He put all our family through hell before they finally split when I was 17. He was also mildy sexual abusive towards me and violent to both myself and my sister.

He and my mum had my sister together but he has not seen her since she was 3 either.

My stepmum and dad have been together pretty much since my mum and dad split. In fact I strongly suspect that they were having an affair before that. My mum maintains that my stepmums eldest dd-my half sister- is not my dads bio child but I don't believe this either. I also have 2 half brothers too.

I don't have a relationship with my former stepdad and tbh I would'nt spit on him if he was on fire. My stepmum is ok but I have'nt actually seen her or my dad in 15 years.

I doubt very much I will keep in contact when my dad dies.

I love both my SM and SF dearly and count myself extremely lucky to have 4 parents. We all have an excellent relationship.

It's definitely about the age at the time and circumstances.

I knew my sf since I was about 5. He was a family friend. His son went to school with my brother and I and we even holidayed together as families.

My parents had very bad problems in their marriage which my mum kept hidden from us.they divorced when I was 16. Married my stepfather when I was 21. It was easy for us to accept why she left My dad as there was so many reasons but my stepfather abandoned his family just because he fancied my mum. I think he's still trying to make it up to his kids sometimes and one of them is in her late 40s now!