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AIBU?

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Original poster

Re Slide Wars

32 replies

puntasticusername · 18/05/2014 22:54

Just curious as to what others think about this incident, really...

I was at the park today with DH, both DSs and DPIL. DPIL were supervising DS1 (age 3) on the slide (DMIL at the top, DFIL waiting at the bottom - stay with me, this is relevant Smile) while I was on the other side of the park feeding baby DS1, with DH keeping us company. So I didn't personally see any of the tale I am now to relate...

I'm told by DPIL that DS1 went down the slide, and was immediately (ie no time for him to have got off the bottom) followed by another boy, age approx 5-6. So the older boy's feet hit DS quite heavily in the back - I'm told he cried at the time, but he's been fine since; it clearly wasn't a serious injury.

DFIL took exception to the older boy's apparent ignorance of slide etiquette and, noting that the boy's father was nearby (and had done nothing to either direct his DS's use of the slide, or get him to apologise to DS once it was clear he'd hurt him), he said to the boy "hey, you know you shouldn't come straight down the slide after other people like that - you will hurt them, like you did my grandson. You need to give them time to get out of the way. Your daddy should have told you that".

The boy's father replied directly to DFIL, something along the lines (I'm not sure) of "Hey, a direct conversation about this would have been ok, actually". I'm not sure if/how DFIL responded - I think he just shrugged/smiled (probably in a well-you-should-have-been-supervising-your-child-more-closely-in-the-first-place superior sort of way, if I'm any judge).

DFIL said that the next chance he got, the other father made "a rude face" at DFIL and flipped him the bird - in full sight of the children of both families. At which point DFIL laughed and said "Oh, you want me to swivel on that, do you?" and walked off. The other family retreated to the far end of the (large) playground and we had no further contact with them.

In my view, DFIL was perhaps a little out of line in addressing his somewhat PA remark to the child, rather than to the father for whom it was really meant, and then being a tad smug maybe about parenting "standards". OTOH, I think the other father was probably more at fault for not teaching his son how to use a slide considerately in the first place, not making his son apologise to another child that he then hurt (though accidentally, of course) and then being unreasonably aggressive about it when challenged.

However, I only have DPIL's account of the incident - not that I've any real reason to doubt them at all, but: they have both been known to get distressed at "modern" parents' failure to make their children conform to their own, fairly high (which I'm very happy with, don't get me wrong, me and DH are definitely more on the stricter side than the permissive) behavioural standards; they do get upset when they see DS1, who is their PFG, get hurt, however trivially; and DFIL, wonderful as he otherwise is, does have a temper on him. He usually has it well under control, but it's possible that he was more aggressive to the other parties in this incident than he and DMIL have led me and DH to believe.

So, what is the consensus please - was the other father being a dick, or are my PIL being UR in their expectations, or something in between...?

OP posts:
Original poster
puntasticusername · 18/05/2014 22:55

Bugger, that was very long, sorry. But at least I used paragraphs, right? Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
puntasticusername · 18/05/2014 22:57

And sorry again, proofreading fail - it was baby DS2 I was feeding, not DS1...

OP posts:
Dumpylump · 18/05/2014 22:58

If dmil was at the top of the slide supervising, why did she not ask the other boy to wait a few seconds?

Original poster
puntasticusername · 18/05/2014 22:59

Oh sorry, forgot that bit - she said she did just that, but he ignored her and went straight away.

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BlackeyedSusan · 18/05/2014 22:59

I had not spotted that mistake, now I am giggling at the thought of extendingnipples!

WilsonFrickett · 18/05/2014 23:00

PA never ends well and FIL was definitely being pa. He can't know that the other parent hasn't spent years re-inforcing slide ettiquette and that on this one occasion the child forgot. Of course, parent shouldn't have flipped the bird - but as I've said before on here, the trouble with pa behaviour is that it leaves the others person no-where to go, except to the land of cross.

Original poster
puntasticusername · 18/05/2014 23:02

Susan after bf two kids, they are definitely extended quite far enough, thanks Smile :p

OP posts:
Original poster
puntasticusername · 18/05/2014 23:06

I agree actually, Wilson. My first thought on being told about this was "well he's a kid - with the best will in the world, all kids just forget stuff sometimes, in the heat of the sliding moment, even when Old Enough To Know Better". I was a bit put out that his dad didn't seem to care that his DS had hurt another child, though - surely a little "sorry" might have been considered appropriate...?

OP posts:
BackforGood · 18/05/2014 23:07

What Wilson said - if a child does something in a park, then just remind them nicely - there's no need to start saying "your parents should have taught you" type comments, it's just asking for trouble.

WilsonFrickett · 18/05/2014 23:10

Yeah I know OP. I don't think either come out of this brilliantly tbh.

Original poster
puntasticusername · 18/05/2014 23:14

Yeah, at a guess DFIL will have been trying to keep a lid on his natural inclination to go ballistic at the fact that his grandson had been hurt - he could have done worse, but maybe he could have done better too...

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Chocolateisa7adayfood · 18/05/2014 23:19

The older child should definitely have waited before going down the slide! FIL was right to say "wait" but maybe his way of doing it wasn't the most tactful ...
Can someone explain "flipping the bird" please? Never heard this expression before! Sounds like the boy's dad took offence, but he should have been supervising.

Original poster
puntasticusername · 18/05/2014 23:35

Sorry Chocolate (awesome nn btw Grin) - it means he gave DFIL the finger.

Thanks for all the responses - think they've solidified my original thoughts. An unfortunate incident and while well-meaning, DFIL's actions probably kicked off a worse outcome. Will try and find some tactful way to suggest this to him for next time!

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sunshinecity17 · 18/05/2014 23:53

Your FIL sounds a bitof an arsehole.That loud comment about his dad's parenting was just uncalled for.Kids do what they do, if doesn' mean that they have never been told it is wrong.One day it will be golden boy grandson hurting another child by his thoughtlessness.it's what little kids do!
Also, with so many adults supervising, why did one of them not whip your DS off the slide when they saw the otrher child coming down?

kawliga · 19/05/2014 00:04

Maybe your FIL was not quick enough getting your DS off the slide, equally important imho especially if you can see there are other DC at the top who will be coming down in no time.

I taught DD both sides of the slide etiquette - do not start going down when there's a child still on the slide. Also, when you get down, get off at once, there might be a child coming down swiftly behind you who will kick you in the ass if you don't move off quickly enough.

Similarly on swings, both sides matter - do not swing your legs into a little child crossing your path, and also do not cross in front of other children swinging.

Original poster
puntasticusername · 19/05/2014 00:08

Yeah, fair point about DS maybe not getting off quickly enough - I'm not sure what happened, as I wasn't there, I'd guess "it all just happened too fast" etc etc.

Hopefully he'll have learned now Smile

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SaucyJack · 19/05/2014 00:11

Your FIL was being a bit snide, but the dad should have had the grace to suck it up seeing as it was entirely the fault of his child/lack of supervision IMO.

GreenEyedGoblin · 19/05/2014 00:12

FIL was being totally ur.

My kids are well brought up, polite, kind and thoughtful kids. But they've still played too roughly, come down slides too quickly etc before. Kids will.

I am fairly mild mannered and laid back but nothing would piss me off quicker than some idiot parent/grandparent in a park making rude and pa 'your parents should have taught you' comments TO my child.

You do NOT make derogatory remarks about parenting TO a child. I would be furious if someone did.

AllDirections · 19/05/2014 00:48

So your FIL looked to see if the dad was going to deal with his DC's behaviour and when he didn't he told the child that he shouldn't have done what he did?

Sorry but I can't see the problem. Ok maybe he shouldn't have made the parenting remark but as the parent did nothing then I'd have judged that his parenting was lacking too.

kawliga · 19/05/2014 01:20

A boy aged 5/6 (could be younger, we don't know his actual age) came down the slide too quickly. How is that proof that his dad's parenting is at fault? Confused I wouldn't judge a parent based on that only.

I stand at the slide doing Loud Parenting while DD is on the slide 'Careful DD, wait until the Nice Baby moves before you slide down' but not all parents like doing that, some like standing nearby and just letting the kids play and that's ok too.

monkeymamma · 19/05/2014 08:19

Good grief. Your dfil wnbu in my view and I've had done exactly the same if a five year old had ploughed into my ds like that. (Admittedly I'd have done it in as gentle a tone as possible, putting it in terms a 5yo would understand - but from your verbatim account it doesn't sound like your dfil was shout your nasty.) The man was clearly a thug for 1) giving anyone the finger, especially in a 'family' space, 2) not intervening to make sure his kid didn't hurt yours and 3) not joining your fil in telling his ds what he'd done was not right.

monkeymamma · 19/05/2014 08:20

Sorry, 'shouty or nasty' not 'shout your nasty' - bloody autocorrect

Morloth · 19/05/2014 08:28

This sort of thing happens all the time in playgrounds.

I just go for the 'whoops a bit slower next time matey' approach.

Much easier and less confrontational.

Original poster
puntasticusername · 19/05/2014 13:44

Thanks again for all your replies. Not a clear cut case - and as we've said, both sides could have handled it better. DPIL do get upset when they see their precious grandchild getting roughed up in any way! They claim to understand that he's just as capable of misbehaving as the next child, but actually I'm not sure they quite do...

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LingDiLong · 19/05/2014 13:48

Wow, grips needed all round I think. Your FIL was way over the top with his 'your father should have told you that' bollocks. Kids are impulsive! A simple 'careful there, let him get off the slide first' was all the situation called for. And as for the other bloke flipping the bird - an even bigger over reaction! Absolutely ridiculous.